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Normal Fears?

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#1 MissDodger

Posted 30 November 2012 - 10:52 AM

Hi All,

DP and I are 'kind of' TTC. I say 'kind of' because although we are technically meant to be trying, but over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling very confused about it and I think I have worked it out in my head, but I feel like a complete nutter for feeling this way.

I have never considered our future would be without children, it have always been a given in my mind that one day I would have at least one child. (DP does have 2 from his previous marriage) I have realised (yes, only now that I am 40) that this could be unlikely to happen. Let's face it, I have an 'old incubator' that just may not work anymore.

I have realised my fear and confusion stems from the fact that it may not happen, so why bother trying! What if we can't concieve? I am not sure I could face that reality. I would be utterly devastated.

I know we won't know until we give it a really good go at TTC, but right now the thought of it not happening it so frightening that I would rather not try, because then (in my head) there would always be that glimmer of hope that it will happen and that we will be blessed with a child.

Has anyone else felt this way? It is a real tug of war mentally and emotionally. I have discussed this with my DP and he totally understands the fears I have, but he isn't a woman who would understand the burning materal desire and the fear that goes along with it and it just may not work out how we planned.

A bit of gobbilygoop vent - sorry for that! But your thoughts would be appreciated!


#2 MissDodger

Posted 30 November 2012 - 02:32 PM


#3 bearmum

Posted 30 November 2012 - 02:49 PM

Hi Miss Dodger

I'm not from this section (came in through We are Discussing) but didn't want to leave you with no replies... Feel free to ignore my advice.

I completely get where you are coming from that confronting something like this is scary. Not just this but anything really, when it comes to jumping off point and everything changes from theory to actually happening and all your plans and expectations have to be put to the test. It is hard to get started and get over the initial inertia - the place where you have been has been happy and has hope to soften any stress whereas once you get going, you risk that.

Personally, I think it is perfectly rational to be a bit apprehensive about it all!

Unfortunately, you know as well as everyone else that time isn't really on your side here. I think you just need to take one of those deep breaths that life requires sometimes and jump on in with fingers crossed and hope for the best. Are you a planner? I am so in this situation I would be making plans i.e. if in x months, nothing then I will go and see Dr Z and get a referral and make an appointment for Y. Then if this happens, this and if that happens, that. Planning my next steps and scenarios helps me - it does NOT work for everyone!!

Good luck with everything - I really hope it all works out for you!

#4 milkwood

Posted 30 November 2012 - 11:23 PM

I am not from around here either, (although I will eventually achieve valid status), but I like bearmum's suggestions.  You are at the beginning for a four year plan here.  
Simple tricks might be to "not try" for a year, but not be on contraception.  This might work against you if you are not giving yourselves opportunities "on the day", and you might falsely think something is wrong, when in reality you may just be busy.
There are many things you can do to statistically significantly improve your changes of conceiving at every age, and the rituals associated with these changes, dietary, supplements, every cup of non-coffee herbal yuck, and add to a sense of being part of the plan, rather than feeling like it is beyond you.
Info/usual practice as I understand it includes;
Try for 6 - 12 months post/pre tests of "bits".  Most enthusiastic would be testing, six months of effort, IVF.

But actually you are right.  This is the first of many challenges, risks, uncontrollable moments and disappointments that lie before you if you want children. The ability to manage these uncertainties, and problems as they arise is the daily job of parenting.  Is it worth finding someone you can talk to about every disappointment or worry, and set-back if they happen?

#5 SeaPrincess

Posted 30 November 2012 - 11:39 PM

I would suggest doing everything to stack the deck in your favour.  Start taking your temperature and charting to get to know your cycle, make sure everything is doing what it should be doing. Start taking folate.  Don't wait too long to seek help if it doesn't happen.

I can remember AF coming late before we were TTC.  When it finally came, I was so upset, I thought I wouldn't be able to go through the stress of actually TTC, so I do get what you're saying.  But if you don't try, you'll never know.

Best of luck!

#6 Sancti-mummy

Posted 06 December 2012 - 10:08 PM

I can understand where you are coming from - only in our situation it was reversed, as I had a child and my husband had none.

We decided that we would "see what happens" for a while, and then work out how intensely we were willing to work towards the baby thing.

It was actually when I bought a thermometer to see when I was ovulating (and start contemplating level 1 of seriousness) and the darned thing never changed, that I thought "hmmm" and then my boobs definitely told me "hey hey hey" and I was already up the duff.

I do hope that the guesswork is taken out of the equation for you also, but if not then honest and open communication with co-contributor and work out the balance of effort/stress you want to contemplate.

Good luck on whatever you (or fate) end up deciding to do.

(Oh - and I was 40 when I had my little one)

#7 ABabyPlease

Posted 07 December 2012 - 06:44 PM

Hi I started TTC at 41 and had my 1st baby at 42. I know the odds aren't great but I do know lots of women who had a first baby over 40. It's not the incubator but finding a good egg that is tricky as you get older.

I can't help with your concerns as I knew what I wanted and was determined to give it a go. I always knew that it might not happen and we had a plan B - lots of travel, less work etc.

It might be helpful to talk to a counsellor. TTC is a challenging journey and it could be helpful to have someone to help you get through the emotional rollercoaster.

If you do want to give it a go I recommend you google the "sperm meets egg" plan. It worked for us.

Good luck.

#8 MissDodger

Posted 10 December 2012 - 02:58 PM

Thank you all for your replies. It is good to know there are other older people out there who have successfully had babies.

I will definitely look at the 'Egg Meets Sperm - thank you for your suggestion!

I don't think I need counselling as such, maybe just a good chat with a GP in regards to it. I haven't got a regular GP for a number of reasons. I think one of my fears in regards to having a child is all the check ups, the exams etc. I know I shouldn't as it is all routine, but I have such a fear of pap smears and internals etc...

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your replies.


#9 Mum_of_five

Posted 10 December 2012 - 10:10 PM

I am going to give you hope original.gif I am 42 and am 39 weeks pregnant due 17th Dec.... I wasnt TTC and this little bubs just happened...

For me i got my months mixed up and missed my depo injection, and was on depo because i had extremely low iron and my cycles were causing this... I decided to do a pregnancy test, because the gp would have done one anyway, and being 42 i never thought it would show up 'positive' but the test did...

I have worried the whole pregnancy because of my age but i have not had high blood pressure or gestational diabetes... Bubs is going to be under 3kg, and will be around 6 pounds 12 which is still an ok weight original.gif I have been closely monitored with ultrasounds and there are no markers for down syndrome... Every app has been at the hospital but i have found that staff have been very caring and supportive original.gif

Admit that i am worried about how i will go in labour, but i began this pregnancy at a healthy weight ect... i just hope that i make it to the hospital in time for an epidural... I have given birth without pain reliefe and did at 38 years, but i would rather have an epidural this time...

#10 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:32 PM

I had my son at 39.  I didn't feel they way you do about TTC, but have felt that way about other things (exams, job applications, relationships).  Sometimes it seems easier to not try (and pretend not to care) than try really hard, fail and feel like a disappointment to everyone.

It's a bit unorthodox, but in your situation, if you have a bit of money to spare, I'd get some basic tests done up front.  Like making sure you are ovulating, that your tubes are open, that there is nothing structurally amiss with you, get some idea of your ovarian reserve, and do the basic assessment of your partner's sperm.  

This would be particularly the case if you have any funny symptoms/niggling doubts/instincts about your fertility.

It would be devastating to mess around for a year or two, and then find out there was an issue which could have been addressed, but you've run out of time to do so.

If all comes back clear then you can relax for a bit and see what happens.

#11 PurpleWitch

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:16 PM

Fingers crossed for you!!

Normal fears.

I'm 38 and considering another. original.gif

#12 Svennebanan

Posted 03 January 2013 - 06:32 PM

hey MissDodger,

i guess we're in similar situations. i am this year 37, no children and now just started trying for a baby with my partner.

until now i have never really thought much about kids, didn't know i wanted to have one until i met my partner a few years ago. i've also been confused but now i know in my heart that i really would like to have one baby, and one baby is enough.

people around me are very optimistic, while i consider myself being realistic. as much as i would like to concieve i am very aware of my age and that the likelihood of it happening is small. especially since i never ever been pregnant, i just have this idea that i've never been very fertile.

however, i'm determined to try my best to concieve. if it doesn't happen i'll be sad but hopefully not devastated. what i know for sure though is that in the future i will regret not trying while i had the chance. i think that will be a bigger loss to me, feeling that regret compared to living without a child (i hope). if we do end up childless i am sure i will still live a happy life. i love my partner, we both have good jobs, hobbies we enjoy doing together, we live in a beautiful place and we could always get a dog.

hope you get your hopes and goals sorted out, but don't let that fear of not concieving stop you from trying 100%. we can never be guaranteed on the outcome but we can both at least give it a good try.

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