Jump to content

Normal Fears?


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 MissDodger

Posted 30 November 2012 - 10:52 AM

Hi All,

DP and I are 'kind of' TTC. I say 'kind of' because although we are technically meant to be trying, but over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling very confused about it and I think I have worked it out in my head, but I feel like a complete nutter for feeling this way.

I have never considered our future would be without children, it have always been a given in my mind that one day I would have at least one child. (DP does have 2 from his previous marriage) I have realised (yes, only now that I am 40) that this could be unlikely to happen. Let's face it, I have an 'old incubator' that just may not work anymore.

I have realised my fear and confusion stems from the fact that it may not happen, so why bother trying! What if we can't concieve? I am not sure I could face that reality. I would be utterly devastated.

I know we won't know until we give it a really good go at TTC, but right now the thought of it not happening it so frightening that I would rather not try, because then (in my head) there would always be that glimmer of hope that it will happen and that we will be blessed with a child.

Has anyone else felt this way? It is a real tug of war mentally and emotionally. I have discussed this with my DP and he totally understands the fears I have, but he isn't a woman who would understand the burning materal desire and the fear that goes along with it and it just may not work out how we planned.

A bit of gobbilygoop vent - sorry for that! But your thoughts would be appreciated!

N.

#2 MissDodger

Posted 30 November 2012 - 02:32 PM

Anyone?

#3 bearmum

Posted 30 November 2012 - 02:49 PM

Hi Miss Dodger

I'm not from this section (came in through We are Discussing) but didn't want to leave you with no replies... Feel free to ignore my advice.

I completely get where you are coming from that confronting something like this is scary. Not just this but anything really, when it comes to jumping off point and everything changes from theory to actually happening and all your plans and expectations have to be put to the test. It is hard to get started and get over the initial inertia - the place where you have been has been happy and has hope to soften any stress whereas once you get going, you risk that.

Personally, I think it is perfectly rational to be a bit apprehensive about it all!

Unfortunately, you know as well as everyone else that time isn't really on your side here. I think you just need to take one of those deep breaths that life requires sometimes and jump on in with fingers crossed and hope for the best. Are you a planner? I am so in this situation I would be making plans i.e. if in x months, nothing then I will go and see Dr Z and get a referral and make an appointment for Y. Then if this happens, this and if that happens, that. Planning my next steps and scenarios helps me - it does NOT work for everyone!!

Good luck with everything - I really hope it all works out for you!

#4 milkwood

Posted 30 November 2012 - 11:23 PM

I am not from around here either, (although I will eventually achieve valid status), but I like bearmum's suggestions.  You are at the beginning for a four year plan here.  
Simple tricks might be to "not try" for a year, but not be on contraception.  This might work against you if you are not giving yourselves opportunities "on the day", and you might falsely think something is wrong, when in reality you may just be busy.
There are many things you can do to statistically significantly improve your changes of conceiving at every age, and the rituals associated with these changes, dietary, supplements, every cup of non-coffee herbal yuck, and add to a sense of being part of the plan, rather than feeling like it is beyond you.
Info/usual practice as I understand it includes;
Try for 6 - 12 months post/pre tests of "bits".  Most enthusiastic would be testing, six months of effort, IVF.

But actually you are right.  This is the first of many challenges, risks, uncontrollable moments and disappointments that lie before you if you want children. The ability to manage these uncertainties, and problems as they arise is the daily job of parenting.  Is it worth finding someone you can talk to about every disappointment or worry, and set-back if they happen?


#5 SeaPrincess

Posted 30 November 2012 - 11:39 PM

I would suggest doing everything to stack the deck in your favour.  Start taking your temperature and charting to get to know your cycle, make sure everything is doing what it should be doing. Start taking folate.  Don't wait too long to seek help if it doesn't happen.

I can remember AF coming late before we were TTC.  When it finally came, I was so upset, I thought I wouldn't be able to go through the stress of actually TTC, so I do get what you're saying.  But if you don't try, you'll never know.

Best of luck!

#6 Sancti-mummy

Posted 06 December 2012 - 10:08 PM

I can understand where you are coming from - only in our situation it was reversed, as I had a child and my husband had none.

We decided that we would "see what happens" for a while, and then work out how intensely we were willing to work towards the baby thing.

It was actually when I bought a thermometer to see when I was ovulating (and start contemplating level 1 of seriousness) and the darned thing never changed, that I thought "hmmm" and then my boobs definitely told me "hey hey hey" and I was already up the duff.

I do hope that the guesswork is taken out of the equation for you also, but if not then honest and open communication with co-contributor and work out the balance of effort/stress you want to contemplate.

Good luck on whatever you (or fate) end up deciding to do.

(Oh - and I was 40 when I had my little one)

#7 ABabyPlease

Posted 07 December 2012 - 06:44 PM

Hi I started TTC at 41 and had my 1st baby at 42. I know the odds aren't great but I do know lots of women who had a first baby over 40. It's not the incubator but finding a good egg that is tricky as you get older.

I can't help with your concerns as I knew what I wanted and was determined to give it a go. I always knew that it might not happen and we had a plan B - lots of travel, less work etc.

It might be helpful to talk to a counsellor. TTC is a challenging journey and it could be helpful to have someone to help you get through the emotional rollercoaster.

If you do want to give it a go I recommend you google the "sperm meets egg" plan. It worked for us.

Good luck.

#8 MissDodger

Posted 10 December 2012 - 02:58 PM

Thank you all for your replies. It is good to know there are other older people out there who have successfully had babies.

I will definitely look at the 'Egg Meets Sperm - thank you for your suggestion!

I don't think I need counselling as such, maybe just a good chat with a GP in regards to it. I haven't got a regular GP for a number of reasons. I think one of my fears in regards to having a child is all the check ups, the exams etc. I know I shouldn't as it is all routine, but I have such a fear of pap smears and internals etc...

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your replies.

xx

#9 Mum_of_five

Posted 10 December 2012 - 10:10 PM

I am going to give you hope original.gif I am 42 and am 39 weeks pregnant due 17th Dec.... I wasnt TTC and this little bubs just happened...


For me i got my months mixed up and missed my depo injection, and was on depo because i had extremely low iron and my cycles were causing this... I decided to do a pregnancy test, because the gp would have done one anyway, and being 42 i never thought it would show up 'positive' but the test did...

I have worried the whole pregnancy because of my age but i have not had high blood pressure or gestational diabetes... Bubs is going to be under 3kg, and will be around 6 pounds 12 which is still an ok weight original.gif I have been closely monitored with ultrasounds and there are no markers for down syndrome... Every app has been at the hospital but i have found that staff have been very caring and supportive original.gif

Admit that i am worried about how i will go in labour, but i began this pregnancy at a healthy weight ect... i just hope that i make it to the hospital in time for an epidural... I have given birth without pain reliefe and did at 38 years, but i would rather have an epidural this time...

#10 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:32 PM

I had my son at 39.  I didn't feel they way you do about TTC, but have felt that way about other things (exams, job applications, relationships).  Sometimes it seems easier to not try (and pretend not to care) than try really hard, fail and feel like a disappointment to everyone.

It's a bit unorthodox, but in your situation, if you have a bit of money to spare, I'd get some basic tests done up front.  Like making sure you are ovulating, that your tubes are open, that there is nothing structurally amiss with you, get some idea of your ovarian reserve, and do the basic assessment of your partner's sperm.  

This would be particularly the case if you have any funny symptoms/niggling doubts/instincts about your fertility.

It would be devastating to mess around for a year or two, and then find out there was an issue which could have been addressed, but you've run out of time to do so.

If all comes back clear then you can relax for a bit and see what happens.

#11 PurpleWitch

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:16 PM

Fingers crossed for you!!

Normal fears.

I'm 38 and considering another. original.gif

#12 Svennebanan

Posted 03 January 2013 - 06:32 PM

hey MissDodger,

i guess we're in similar situations. i am this year 37, no children and now just started trying for a baby with my partner.

until now i have never really thought much about kids, didn't know i wanted to have one until i met my partner a few years ago. i've also been confused but now i know in my heart that i really would like to have one baby, and one baby is enough.

people around me are very optimistic, while i consider myself being realistic. as much as i would like to concieve i am very aware of my age and that the likelihood of it happening is small. especially since i never ever been pregnant, i just have this idea that i've never been very fertile.

however, i'm determined to try my best to concieve. if it doesn't happen i'll be sad but hopefully not devastated. what i know for sure though is that in the future i will regret not trying while i had the chance. i think that will be a bigger loss to me, feeling that regret compared to living without a child (i hope). if we do end up childless i am sure i will still live a happy life. i love my partner, we both have good jobs, hobbies we enjoy doing together, we live in a beautiful place and we could always get a dog.

hope you get your hopes and goals sorted out, but don't let that fear of not concieving stop you from trying 100%. we can never be guaranteed on the outcome but we can both at least give it a good try.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

How to talk about your pregnancy at work

The workplace isn't always a friendly place for pregnant women. Yet working women inclined to conceal a pregnancy from prying coworkers may be better off opening up and carrying on, according to a new study.

Tell us your story to win!

To celebrate Mother's Day this year we are giving you the chance to win one of five great prizes simply by telling us your story.

Where to get help to help your baby sleep

There is so much pressure about having a baby who sleeps 'all night' , it's no wonder you worry about your baby if she wakes in the night.

Vintage baby names having a comeback

What makes some names have comebacks while others silently fade into oblivion? A few factors come into play.

When your partner doesn't want you to breastfeed

Dads can have many reasons for not wanting their partners to breastfeed their baby, but both parents should learn more about it before making a final decision.

Model mum Sarah Stage shares post-baby selfie

Most new mums would recoil at the thought, but Sarah Stage has shared a post-pregnancy selfie just four days after giving birth.

I'll admit it: I have last child parenting fatigue

If you're a new mum and feeling ignored by the older mum/the old hand/the has-been, please know, it's not you, it's me. Blame the last child parenting fatigue.

Exhaustion is not the same as tiredness

Having a new baby isn't tiring - it can be downright exhausting.

Five posterior babies, four home births

I was on a high. I'd done it all by myself with no help from anyone.

Mum's list of birthday gift demands goes viral

We're big fans of kids' birthday parties - but this is one bash we're glad we didn't get an invite to.

Kate Middleton to receive 'loyalty discount' for second birth

Everybody loves a bargain - including the Duchess of Cambridge.

Fish & chip shop owner's sad note goes viral

A lengthy note put on the window of a fish & chip shop has gone viral due to the writer's serious doubts about the romance of travel.

Pregnant women need good nutrition advice, not judgment

Pregnant women are under pressure to do all the "right things" to have a healthy child. It results in women feeling judged about their decisions.

When your child wants you to have another baby

Giving your child a sibling when you don't want to have another baby can be a complex issue.

William Tyrrell's mum speaks out: 'We hope he is still alive'

The mother of missing toddler William Tyrrell says she has a vision that somebody "picked him up and moved him on ... that's the only way ... to explain for him not to be there".

Family comes first for 23-year-old Tommy Connolly

Most 23-year-old blokes spend their hard earned cash on fun times with mates or romantic dinners with their girlfriend, but not Tommy Connolly.

Newborn all-girl quintuplets 'doing great'

The first all-female quintuplets born in the United States were delivered last week, at 28 weeks and two days.

Model mum's big baby silences critics

He may be less than a week old, but baby James Hunter has already helped his model mum silence her critics.

Jammy, Hula Hoop, Rage: Reddit reveals most unusual baby names

A recent Reddit thread has revealed some of the more creative names in the world.

Woman awakens from coma, learns she gave birth

A US woman awakened this week from a four-month-long coma that doctors had feared would be permanent and learned that she had given birth to a baby boy, according to her family.

'Give us a break': mum sent shocking letter over Facebook baby pics

Posting a lot of baby photos doesn't make you a bad person. It may make your Facebook feed a little irritating, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

In defense of the dads who do so much

It's time to shift the focus off what dads aren’t doing and shine it on what they are.

The modern cloth nappies too cute to cover up

If you're only just joining the modern cloth nappy movement, or would like to spruce up your collection, we have to introduce you to Designer Bums.

How breastfeeding can affect your libido

When you’ve just had a baby, having sex isn’t usually top priority. In fact, for a lot of women it rates about as appealing as changing another dirty nappy.

Should pregnant women be allowed to use 'parent and child' car parking spots?

Is it acceptable to use these car parking spots when pregnant? How many of us would admit to doing it?

Healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man died

Fertility doctors have described their "most extraordinary case" - creating a healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man had died.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Last chance to win a year's supply of toys

You have less than a week left to win your child one of five Fisher-Price toy packs valued at over $600 each - hurry, enter today!

Childcare is a big problem, but there's more to it

Let’s keep talking about these issues and not allow them to be put into a neat little box that’s labelled ‘Fix childcare and everything is solved’.

Pink's awesome response to body-shaming trolls

When trolls felt the need to comment on 35-year-old singer-songwriter Pink's weight, her answer was an awesome ode to body love.

Fertility clinic offers egg donors $5000

A national chain of fertility clinics is offering egg donors a $5000 payment to cover their expenses, a first for Australia which is raising concerns the money could act as an inducement.

Baby boy abandoned in India amid fresh surrogacy concerns

Australian officials could do nothing to stop an Australian couple from abandoning their baby son, born through surrogacy in India, after they decided they did not want to bring him to Australia.

Herd immunity and community responsibility: how free-riders can make kids suffer

Individual choice works for haircuts and handbags, but not for preventing infectious diseases that kill kids.

Photographer captures 'unexpected beauty' of birth

If there is one thing Leilani Rogers knows about childbirth, it is that no two deliveries are ever the same.

Expectations vs the reality of making a toddler's clothes

Note to self: less sewing, more life. Not the party dress, but the party. The toddler, as usual, has it all figured out.

Mum meets 'dead' daughter 49 years after birth

In 1965, Zella Jackson-Price was told her premature baby girl had died shortly after birth.

How pregnancy probiotics can help you and your baby

New research suggests that taking specific pregnancy probiotics could be the answer to a range of common pregnancy side effects.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

 

ENTER NOW!

Win a year's worth of toys

Last week to submit a picture of your baby at play for your chance to win. Visit the Play Wall to view our recent entries.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.