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Husband wants to go on holidays with his mates in last tremester

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#1 key_gal

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:28 PM

Hi all,

Just a little venting off time from me.

My husbands been talking about going on holidays with his mates either during April or in Sep next year. Im due 5th of June which means its either about 32week of my pregnancy or just 3 mth after baby born.

I have told him i think I will need support and especially when I become more heavy I will b more likely to be in pain or cramping. To which he reckons I am being OTT and being all spoilt. He wants his time out and alone time with boys and argues that I have had mine before the pregancy so its not fair. If the single moms can do it so should I be able to.

I can definitely see how he is not really attached emotionally to the baby and he just see it as a change in his life that he has to deal with. He wants his life to go on as usual and be able to spend time with his friends who he doesnt see as much because everyone is busy with work.

I am feeling quite upset but torn between decisions. If I force him to stay I think he will take grudges against the baby and think he is losing his freedom because of baby. If I let him go with his friends then I will be looking at probably surviving by myself for i think about 2 weeks either in late pregnancy or early after birth bonding periods. It is my 1st pregnancy and I am feeling quite nervous about everything. My parents in law are saying I should be allowing him to go because he will lose his freedom soon.

#2 key_gal

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:30 PM

Oh and I have asked him previously to go in this Dec since I will be in 2nd tremester and is able to cope better. He said his friends are too busy with work and their family and will not be able to go. So he wants to go in either April or Sep next year instead.

#3 melaine

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:34 PM

Plenty of women survive the whole pregnancy and post natal period without their partners present (if they are away with work, deployed overseas etc).

HOnestly? I think you'd be fine at either of those time periods.

Where is he going?

#4 Ice Queen

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:34 PM

April would be fine.  Nothing happening trust me unless you are advised by your OB you have a high risk pregnancy.  Would be awesome in fact....noone to clean up after, noone to cook for.  Go and stay with a friend or your mum or something.  No biggie trust me.  My DH was in Melb for work a week before my due date.

#5 Mrs Lannister

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:35 PM

I would send him in sep. you would prob enjoy the peace with just you and bub

#6 idignantlyright

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:36 PM

I couldn't see a problem with him going in April. You are asking him to go because of how you might be feeling. Truthfully, you may feel fantastic at that stage.

#7 nakedrhubarb

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:38 PM

Do you live near your family or have support near by and is your pregnancy free of complications to date? If so, I would let him go before the baby is born. Qualify it by saying that if your doctor puts you on bed rest then you will need him to stay and look after you.

I think that once your baby is born you will need him more as 3 month old babies still wake up in the night and sleep a lot during the day.

I'll also add that my husband didn't bond with any of our babies until they were in his arms. It didn't feel real until that point.

#8 SophieBear

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:38 PM

QUOTE (key_gal @ 27/11/2012, 12:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If the single moms can do it so should I be able to.


I would not be happy about that comment!

#9 CountryBumpkin

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:39 PM

Xmas is a bad time for families, April is great, and you'll get to enjoy some time on your own! It's not long, you're only 32 weeks.

#10 Buck Naked

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:39 PM

You should be able to cope alone at 32weeks if your having an uneventful pregnancy. I didn't get uncomfortable until the last couple of weeks and even then dh being there is not really helpful.

#11 BetteBoop

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:41 PM

I'd be saying fine but only if he's happy for you to have the same amount of time off for yourself.

Oh, and single dads do that all the time so it should be okay.

#12 key_gal

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:44 PM

Well problem is i dont have any family near me besides parents in law. My family lives overseas. He is going to either south america or japan for about 2 weeks with his group of friends.

I dont have high risk pregnancy but I did conceive after rounds of IVF which is why i am nervous about things. Also had extended bleeding time during 1st tremester.

I would I understand it more if it is about work. But I guess I am upset that he sees time with his friends more important. Plus his friends see their family more important than him obviously since they refused to go in Dec hols because of that. I have asked him to go earlier this year too before the IVF and he rejected the idea because his friends are too busy.

#13 boatiebabe

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:44 PM

I am another who thinks he should be able fine to go in April.

Where is he going and for how long?

I think you sound a little bit precious. If you have no complications and the pregnancy is going well there should be no reason he can't take a bit of time away with friends.

I think the bigger issue here though is you two have very different expectations of what having a baby is all about. It will only continue to cause friction in the future.

#14 outdoorgirl81

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:45 PM

Hi Op,

I can sympathise with you regarding feeling that your partner is not emotionally involved with your pregnancy. I am now 29 weeks with my second, and both times I have felt a little disppointed with my husband's relative lack if interest during the pregnancy. I have now come to the conclusion that the old saying is true, "A woman becomes a mother the day she becomes pregnant, a man becomes a father the day the baby is born," or words to that effect. We live and breathe every moment of our pregnancy, our lives change dramatically, and it is normal to be a little resentful that their lives don't really change at all during pregnancy, when we're both  the ones expecting a baby. It is the reality though, we are the pregnant ones, and it isn't really their fault that they can't help with that bit! :-)

Unless you are having a difficult or complex pregnancy, I don't see any reason why your husband shouldn't go away for a couple of weeks with his mates at the beginning of the 3rd trimester, you shouldn't be feeling too bad at that stage, and there isn't really much he can do anyway of you are. There certainly isn't any medical reason for him not to go.  I'd certainly prefer that to after the baby arrived.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy, maybe try and spoil yourself with a bit of time out while he's away if he goes, a pregnancy pampering package or something.

#15 jeska~and~her~secret

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:46 PM

Agree with PPs - April is a good time. At 32 weeks you shouldn't be feeling too awful, and it is a good idea for your DH to go on a trip with his mates. He will be needed at home for some time after that. wink.gif

As with PPs, though, that is assuming that your pregnancy is normal and healthy.

For me, 3 months after bubs was born, would not have been a good time. I was exhausted and emotional and needed my DP around.

I know that I imagined my DP would be as involved in our pregnancies as I was... but it just hasn't been that way. He is getting excited about this one now... with less than a month to go... but I've realised I couldn't really expect anything else. Can you share your feelings/excitement/preparations with your girlfriends or family more? He will come on board eventually but if you need support earlier than that, maybe it would be better to look elsewhere?

Good luck.

#16 winkywonkeydonkey

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:46 PM

I would just let him go in april. You will be fine by yourself and you may even enjoy the peace and quiet . I had a week alone at 8 months.  Even if you are very uncomfortable there is nothing he can do about it.
Let him have some fun before bub is born as he may not want to go in sepember.  

Maybe you should compromise and he takes you away on a little holiday when he gets back  too before baby arives.

Edited by winkywonkeydonkey, 27 November 2012 - 12:47 PM.

#17 BadCat

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:48 PM

While you should be able to manage on your own it's clear that you would prefer him there to support you.  I understand that.

I think it's probably best to let him go without fuss though.  Better to get by without him for a couple of weeks even if it worries you, than put up with the stress of having him pssibly resent you and the baby.

The business about giving up his freedom on the other hand makes me feel just a little bit sick.  It's appalling that his family, and by the sounds of it him as well, look at the birth of his child as losing his freedom.  I'd be pretty unimpressed by that attitude.

#18 mibi

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:48 PM

I'd be encouraging him to go before the baby is born. Maybe just suggest it would be nice if he didn't go too far away - just in case.  If it was when you were 38 weeks - that would be a different story, but at 32 weeks you should be fine. If it were me, I'd be looking forward to some time on my own too and it will be nice for him to have some time out before the baby is born.

#19 Oriental lily

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:49 PM

I think it's fine.

You do sound a bit precious.

#20 adl

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:50 PM

Yes its sucky the comments that he has made, and of course its upsetting....  but from one that has gone through this,  its true he isnt connected to the pregnancy like you are, and men do react differently and feel that you dont need to be wrapped in coton wool - thats tv/movie land fantasy !!

Me - I would let him go in April.  I would if I needed to,  have a girlfriend come and stay with me for some company.  I would relish the quiet time as the more into the pregnancy the more annoying men can get,  even my DH breathing can raise my temper  biggrin.gif  !!!

Say fabulous - I am organising a fun time for me too  .....then organise some fun outings ,  like a pedicure w a friend, or a movie... I would also love the fact I can eat whatever for dinner,  no cooking if I didnt feel like it.    Go stay with your parents?   Most of us are still at work at 32weeks so you should be fine to do these.

Sometimes ,  when you let go,  you may find he actually misses you more and may regret a tiniest bit being away  ( although he will never tell you that ) and his attitude may change in the future.

By 3 months,  you will feel more settled,  but by that time he will have fallen in love with his little poppet, and you dont want any feelings of " you stopped me" hanging around in the relationship once baby is here,  its hard enough.

#21 bakesgirls

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:50 PM

I think your husand is sounding very selfish, especially in his comments to you such as you are being OTT and spoilt and if single mothers can do it, then so can you. I would certainly not be a happy camper if my DH ever said this to me.

My parents in law are saying I should be allowing him to go because he will lose his freedom soon.

WTF! You didn't make this baby by yourself, he also has a responsibility to you and your child. It's not just all about him and what he wants. He is not losing his freedom. What a crock. They make it sound as though his life is over and he will be chained to his home forever.

I think if he wants to go, he needs to come up with a date that is mutually agreeable to you both, not just when it suits him and his mates.

ETA- I'd start feeling a little resentful myself if my DH resented me and our child because I/we needed his support, including emotional support.

Edited by bakesgirls, 27 November 2012 - 12:56 PM.

#22 livvie7586

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:51 PM

QUOTE (melaine @ 27/11/2012, 01:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Plenty of women survive the whole pregnancy and post natal period without their partners present (if they are away with work, deployed overseas etc).

HOnestly? I think you'd be fine at either of those time periods.

This sorry OP.  my DH won't post back to where the kids and i are until i'm somewhere in the 32-34 week mark, so i get to do the whole lot by myself (and unfortunately i've got no family support here)

let him go, take it as a break yourself (no need to cook a meal every night, a whole bed to yourself, eating food that you like), and enjoy some time just to yourself.

#23 key_gal

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:51 PM

Ah.. lack of connection is an understatement. He has been frequently reminding me it is very ok and normal to miscarry. Before my NT scan he was talking about abortions and how he doesnt want his family to know about the pregnancy because he doesnt want to talk about it and just in case I have a m/c in 2nd tremester or still born. Always quick to point to me how many people have still borns and its quite normal. Hes fears about the pregnancy is that its gonna ruin his life.

#24 niggles

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:52 PM

I'd be fine with either of those times. Before the baby is born is likely to be easier if everything is going smoothly.

#25 idignantlyright

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:52 PM

Would you rather he started resenting you and the baby because you wouldn't let him go on a trip away?

Just make sure he is contactable in case something happens, and he is of the understanding that if something does happen. Then he comes back straight away.

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