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How do you handle announcements?

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#1 jai*

Posted 27 November 2012 - 11:45 AM

It is getting harder and harder for me to politely smile and say congratulations when someone announces their pregnancy to me.

Especially hard when the woman knows you have had a failed IVF cycle, where you would have been the exact same weeks along, and they're sitting there telling you how great it is  sad.gif

#2 Bwok~Bwok

Posted 27 November 2012 - 12:11 PM

Annoucements are hard - I've had 3 family teenage announcements and they all came the day after a failed cycle (the last one was after a chemical pg from my IVF). But I've accepted life doesn't stop because I had failed cycles - even though sometimes I'd like it if it did.

Also to make it easier on yourself, stop comparing.

where you would have been the exact same weeks along

Please stop doing that to yourself!

I don't allow myself to think 'well today I would have been x weeks pg if it wasn't a  chemical pg' or 'I would have a 9 year old  if I hadn't of m/c in 2003' - I was being cruel to myself by doing that.

Edited by Bwok~Bwok, 27 November 2012 - 12:13 PM.

#3 Iliketoflounce

Posted 27 November 2012 - 03:20 PM

QUOTE (Bwok~Bwok @ 27/11/2012, 12:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Annoucements are hard - I've had 3 family teenage announcements and they all came the day after a failed cycle (the last one was after a chemical pg from my IVF). But I've accepted life doesn't stop because I had failed cycles - even though sometimes I'd like it if it did.

Also to make it easier on yourself, stop comparing.

Please stop doing that to yourself!

I don't allow myself to think 'well today I would have been x weeks pg if it wasn't a  chemical pg' or 'I would have a 9 year old  if I hadn't of m/c in 2003' - I was being cruel to myself by doing that.

this Bwok you have said it so beautifully

I also second what Bwok said about not going "I would be x weeks by now' if I did that then I would be 30+ weeks now. It is hard and just want to send you hugs and hope you and Bwok get a sticky one soon

#4 jai*

Posted 28 November 2012 - 08:45 PM

Thank you both.
Of course applying those techniques is easier said then done.
I was off sick (depressed) for 3 days after my BFN in August and I was only really just starting to have days where I wasn't an emotional wreck.
I think it's time to go back to the counsellor.

#5 Bwok~Bwok

Posted 29 November 2012 - 11:13 AM

Yes it is easier said than done and I think that is where counselling will help.

#6 Hoping2BaMummy

Posted 01 December 2012 - 03:39 PM

Agreed that's it's easier said than done! I had a friend announce their pregnancy, and after the conversation turned to me and I didn't want to lie, I decided to let these couple if close friends know about my difficulties as one has young twins and the other is nix preg and I thought they may understand. Wrong! They had no idea about how the whole conception process even works as they tried to tell me to go to the dr and get some drugs!! I was baffled, as all they knew is that you have unprotected sex and that leads to falling pregnant. Hmmm.... It's a tough and lonely journey

#7 baileysmummy73

Posted 02 January 2013 - 06:38 PM

I'm afraid I don't handle hearing pregnancy news very well inside...on the outside I smile and happy for my friends and family members..but it's not easy..I will be 40 this June and decided last June that if we don't concieve by June there's no more trying for us..we have a son who is 3.. So have been very lucky..I think the worse thing that has ever been said by a friend was that her husband just have to look at her and she falls pregnant..then in the 2nd breath said..oh how's things going with your ttc..ohh it must be hard..sorry not much help to u, just know your not alone all the best for ttc journey huni xx

#8 Otis the Pug

Posted 03 January 2013 - 09:37 PM

QUOTE (Hoping2BaMummy @ 01/12/2012, 04:39 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Agreed that's it's easier said than done! I had a friend announce their pregnancy, and after the conversation turned to me and I didn't want to lie, I decided to let these couple if close friends know about my difficulties as one has young twins and the other is nix preg and I thought they may understand. Wrong! They had no idea about how the whole conception process even works as they tried to tell me to go to the dr and get some drugs!! I was baffled, as all they knew is that you have unprotected sex and that leads to falling pregnant. Hmmm.... It's a tough and lonely journey

Unfortunately only the people who have gone through infertility understand what it is like to struggle to concieve. Guess that's why we are on EB, because on here we can talk to people who understand.

#9 Hoping2BaMummy

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:45 AM

Yes, definentley Otis! Thank goodness we have each other to talk to and understand what it's like original.gif

#10 HRH Countrymel

Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:04 PM

QUOTE (Otis the Pug @ 03/01/2013, 10:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Unfortunately only the people who have gone through infertility understand what it is like to struggle to concieve. Guess that's why we are on EB, because on here we can talk to people who understand.

You said it sister!

#11 A.K.A

Posted 09 January 2013 - 03:00 PM

I am terrible with announcements, I have to run away as soon as possible  wink.gif

I've had my brother try and tell me about ovulation and when to have sex, I was just gobsmacked.

Back to the psych for me lol

#12 Veryclucky

Posted 09 January 2013 - 03:34 PM

On the outside I can smile and congratulate them etc as I am usually genuinely happy for them.

My hardest one was my brother and his wife telling me when they had only been trying for about 2 months (just married). I was really happy for them but my heart was breaking inside for me.

As soon as they left, I burst into tears and sobbed in my husbands arms for ages.

One of the hardest parts was my best friend is her sister so she was torn between being happy for them and sad for me because she knew how devestating the news would be to me as I have always expected to be the first one in my family to have a baby ever since the same brother broke off with his ex about 8 years ago.

I find it much easier to be around them once I have had my chance to cry and feel sorry for myself (and DH) over it not being us once again.

What I find harder is when they whinge about things constantly(don't mind the occasional whinge as that is to be expected as pregnancy does take a toll). For examply the cost of doctors visits. At one point, I had to tell them that I didn't want to hear the constant whinging because the $$ value they were talking about was cheaper then my FS and ultrasounds etc and that is not even for IVF. At least they get a baby at the end of it when I may not. After that I think they realised how hard it is for me to hear their whinging about something I want so much and can't have yet.

I also hate when people tell me all the time...you will be next, just relax and it will happen when it is time.

#13 miss_heidi

Posted 09 January 2013 - 07:47 PM

I used to smile and congratulate, and then cry and cry until i felt i had cried it out when I got home.

When we were successful with our IVF/ICSI baby, I didnt know how to "announce" it to people, as I know how I felt when i heard it from others.

So i never made a Facebook/public announcement, and still haven't, i just let people know when I see them, and Im super super sensitive about telling friends who are still trying and who i know have been having problems (like we did).  When i speak to them, i try to reassure them that they arent alone - there can be success at the end of the tunnel, and that i understand how it feels, I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND like many others may not, and then change the subject to talking about them rather than us - yes it can be hard, and Im definitely not going to say "oh just RELAX, it will happen to you next!"  Because thats certainly not how it happened for us!  

There isnt really a simple answer, not one that I know of.  I still dont know how to break the news to my friends who are still trying or if i even broke the news in the most sensitive way I could have, I wish i did but I dont know...   i just think about how I felt when i was still trying, and how I felt so happy for them yet so sad for myself...

I think counselling can be very helpful.  Whatever it takes, whatever you need to get you through.

#14 milliebaby

Posted 09 January 2013 - 10:54 PM

Veryclucky: I feel your pain as I'm in the same boat.
I find it so hard. As soon as they mention it, my chest starts tightening & face feels like it's on fire. I feel like I'm about to burst into tears but hold it together to say congratulations & smile away. I usually leave the get-together earlier than I would & get out to the car to depart & burst into tears.
Your happy for them but start wondering why & you just want answers.
Been TTC for 19 months. Friends started trying 8 months after we started & they got pregnant first go. They have since had their baby & we still arn't pregnant. They know how much we want kids & never thought to spare a thought how we might feel about there luck & just boast about it & all they talked about was how easy it was & talked about the pregnancy & asking us why we haven't had one yet. Breaks my heart every time I see them. It's making it hard seeing them.
Sister-in law is about to start & I just know they'll be pregnant within 3 months & it's going to tip me up.

#15 content1

Posted 09 January 2013 - 11:27 PM

Another one here that use to be dying on the inside smiling on the outside at the wonderful news. And I don't say that with sarcasim I do mean wonderful news. I am truely happy for them but heart breakingly devastated for myself & DH. As unfair as it is I had to forced myself to accept that my journey is just that, mine and everyone else has to continue on with their own. In saying that as soon as we got in the car DH would hand me a tissue and I would cry loudly & ugly from deep in my soul.

I think habbits are hard to break, we have been successful & are now parents but I still feel my chest tighten when someone annoucnes they are pg  huh.gif .

All of you ladies are amazing, wishing all your dreams come true xox

#16 ~polly~

Posted 10 January 2013 - 08:13 AM

I've only been TTC for 9 months and I already hate announcements.  I love that my friends are happy and getting pg but I hate how I feel.  It always ends in tears.
Other ppl just dont understand.  I told one friend when I had a mc cos I missed her wedding ceremony and needed to explain why.  She then complained about not conceiving first try  shrug.gif

#17 Thalandria

Posted 17 January 2013 - 03:20 PM

It is such a hard thing to deal with as there are so many conflicting emotions. My SIL recently announced that she is pg with her second (both times fell first month trying). Then a couple of weeks she calls back to tell me its twins. And I am genuinely happy for her. I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone. But that doesn't make it any easier to see so many people have what you want so badly.

I usually end up going home and having a good little cry to myself. unsure.gif
When the conversation comes up in family get togethers (of which dh's family has a lot) about her pregnancy and all its details, if I am feeling particularly emotional I excuse myself and join a different conversation if I can. Usually leaving the girls chat and joining the guys standing around the 4WDs. wink.gif Sometimes you just have to grin a bear it though. I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about one of the happiest times of their lives in front of me.

#18 MegzG

Posted 06 February 2013 - 08:56 AM

of course you are happy for them but in the same breath you feel selfish and hate them for getting something you want so bad

#19 goodart

Posted 11 February 2013 - 08:40 AM

Currently more than a little hung over after hearing last night that my SIL, one of two, is pregnant after conceiving in her first week off birth control. My other SIL made her big announcement just before Xmas. Last night I did a count and figured out that only TWO other female friends my age are not either pregnant or recently delivered. One of them is TTC and the other is TTTC.

This particular announcement was pretty hard to hear since both my SILs and I stuck together in the face of multiple aunties and the MIL who were all politely pressuring us to give them babies to play with. Now it's just me.

We've been TTC for 4 years. I recently had the full health work up done and the docs found "nothing wrong" and no particular reason why I don't seem to carry past eight weeks when I do manage to conceive at all. Spent Oct and Nov 2012 bleeding almost non-stop and Dec and Jan not bleeding at all with multiple negative pregnancy tests. Now facing the decision on what to do next - have to do it soon as I am turning 34 in a fortnight. Medical care is not helped by the fact that I live in a regional area.

Announcements are getting harder and harder to handle. I've started actively avoiding pregnant people and look forward to avoiding family gatherings for the next little while, watching my SILs grow bumps and get fussed over while fielding questions about when I'm going to be joining them. I'm not a drinker at all but last night an entire bottle of Riesling seemed like an entirely logical response to the situation.

I do feel happy for them, and for my husband's family for whom this is a pretty big deal, my MIL's first grandkids when she's desperate to be a grandma. It just gets harder every month to stay smiling.

#20 Tari

Posted 18 February 2013 - 11:02 AM

I’ve been a quite reader to EB for a long time, but I’ve got something to say here. Announcements are hard. I’ve been trying for #2 for over two years now, and this made me absolutely aware of how unbelievably lucky I was to have my daughter basically at the first attempt five years ago. But that also mislead me into thinking I’d have another one as easily so I was putting it off until I was “sure I was ready”.

I felt ready almost three years ago, and – nothing. Four of my close girlfriends have had their babies since we started, one even being a “miracle baby”, a natural pregnancy after the doctors said she was infertile. I’m genuinely happy for my girls but oh my God, I envy so much! It’s really not helping that for some reason quite a few people (mostly older family members) have selected me to be the target of their “when are you gonna give your daughter a sibling after all” campaign. I keep smiling and saying we are not ready yet while inside I want to scream “leave me alone!!!”.

On top of this all, my husband is not too enthusiastic about having another baby. Not that he minds, but being an only child to his parents he’s happy to have our little girl and doesn’t want another child as desperately as I do – you know what I mean. He says “yes I wouldn’t mind another kid” but I can see he still remembers the sleepless nights and inability to travel and everything we had with our daughter who was quite a difficult baby, so he’s not overly supportive – even though not mean or anything like it of course.

Unfortunately, as said above, it’s such a lonely journey for many of us. But being here on EB is so, so, so much help – thank you all girls for being so kind and wishing each and every of you the best of luck.

#21 AmberSpark

Posted 19 February 2013 - 09:15 AM

It is always hard, I smile that stupid clunched teeth smile, like I am frozen to the spot. I hate the unexpected announcements, they hit like a knife. If people tell me they are trying, then I expect it at some point.

I have had the announements where people ring me directly to tell me in private first, which is lovely and I truly appreciate that, to the announcements in public with everyone looking at me, waiting for my response. I hate those.

I've had the just relax, your time will come, I can just feel it. To the 'put your legs in the air' and 'hump like rabbits on every surface in your house'. Really do you think after nearly 3 years of trying for a baby, two failed IVF cycles and numerous natural remedies that putting my legs in the air and getting drunk would help. Believe me I have tried more than once. Let me give you the tip.

My poor DH is the one that looks like a deer in the headlights when an announcement happens, not because he is hurting, (he is) but becuase he knows he is the one that will have to pick me up off the floor afterwards.  blush.gif

#22 Yogi36

Posted 02 May 2013 - 10:54 AM

Gosh, I 100% agree with what you are all saying. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings.
I have been TTC for 3 years and have had about 8 people close to me fall preg. The worst was my sister-in-law who I can't help but want to scratch her face off. Seriously, I am a positive and happy person - usually... but this TTC crap is turning me nasty. :-(
My SIL was done having kids, she had her perfect 2 kids, 2 years apart, she was happy. THE DAY I told her we had decided to go through IVF (after 2 years TTC) she told me they decided to try for a 3rd. I was so upset I couldn't see straight. The worst thing was, she knows our journey, knows our pain. She kept asking if I was ok and looking at me waiting for me to break down. She even said that if she were me she would be so angry. Pfffft. Anyway, after her not falling straight away, she started to panic and make appointments with specialists... needless to say, she fell in the her 3rd month.
I'm sick of trying to stay happy and positive for other people because admitting how I really feel is uncomfortable for them! WOW, I feel so much better after that vent, I have NEVER said that out loud. :-)
P.S. What I wrote still isn't as bad as what I think..

Edited by Yogi36, 02 May 2013 - 10:58 AM.

#23 Mrscarlton

Posted 28 May 2013 - 04:58 PM

One of my closest friends and i sat down for a chat 2 months ago. She cried to me about her struggle to conceive (after 4 months). Last week i got attached to a group message that they are pregnant. That was very hard to deal with. When you are going through something like we are it is so easy to torture ourselves, blame ourselves and feel like everyone is falling pregnant at the drop of a hat. I dont have any answers as to how to heal the pain....in fact i retreat to bed and sob. But i do try and find comfort in the progress we are making every day. I try to look at the positive side of things well at least until next week when there is another announcement (in my church people have babies young and quickly) and i retreat back to my bed and feel like the world is out to get me. It is OKAY to cry and feel sad, and there is no quick fix. Starting IVF next month.....yay free counselling!  hheart.gif

#24 hopelessromantic

Posted 28 May 2013 - 05:16 PM

Unfortunately only the people who have gone through infertility understand what it is like to struggle to concieve. Guess that's why we are on EB, because on here we can talk to people who understand.

OP - This comment is the truth!  I have a loving family who have NEVER struggled with infertility.  NEVER.  In fact it is the other way for them.  I am the only one in a huge family.
If your family doesn't understand and occasionally says things that sting like a slap in the face, than even well meaning friends will do it.  
They just don't know unless they've been there. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

But I look at it this way, I have said things in ignorance to people about stuff I really did not comprehend at the time, well meaning, but I am sure now that it did not come across that way.  Everyone does at some point.
With long term TTC, you will have to find a way to be tough.  Cause this whole process just sucks.  All of it, including the stuff other people say.
I hope you don't have to do this too much longer.  original.gif

#25 hopelessromantic

Posted 28 May 2013 - 05:19 PM

P.S. mrs Carlton.  Come on over to RSGG Buddy group.  (we are more fabulous than counselling)    original.gif  original.gif

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