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Changed friendships during pregnancy


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#1 MarilynM

Posted 25 November 2012 - 09:36 PM

Hi ladies, just wanted to share something with you.
I am almost 12 weeks pregnant, and I am getting the idea that some of my friendships are changing. I had dinner with a friend on Friday and somehow it felt a little bit awkward. I don't talk about my pregnancy a lot, because I understand that it is probably not as exciting for other people as it is for me. But I don't think this friend asked me ANY questions about it at all! It was like nothing had happened. I considered this friend my best friend, but now I don't know if that might change.

I reallydon't expect constant cooing, but it would be nice if she showed some interest; it is a major thing that is happening to me right now! I don't know if she is just not interested, or if she has difficulty adjusting to this new position I'm in, or who knows maybe she's jealous. But I don't have a lot of friends here (the past four years I've gone back and forth between here and Europe, where I was born) so I really valued her friendship.

Another 'new' friend who lives a single girl life shocked me too the other day. I showed her a photo from a phone app, of how my baby looked that week, and her reply was 'ew...... Are you going to show me this every week now?'I feel a bit lonely, not being able to share this with my girlfriends. I do have friends that I can talk to, but it does make me sad that some friendships seem to change when I need their support the most.

Anyone experienced a similar thing?

Edited by MarilynM, 25 November 2012 - 09:38 PM.


#2 little lion

Posted 25 November 2012 - 09:50 PM

Sorry to hear that. Tonight I have been feeling a little sad in a similar way. I just realized a friend of mine had not seen me pregnant and despite an invitation she hasn't visited our baby yet. I know she is busy with something exciting in her life, and from afar I have shown my support, but I am upset she hasn't shown an interest in my baby (especially since she is a mum too). So no advice from me, just understanding.

#3 cinnabubble

Posted 25 November 2012 - 09:55 PM

I think it's pretty standard for childfree people not to be into pregnancy and babies. Before I had children I was all yuck, why would you want to ruin your life by doing that, it's revolting. I think pregnancy is intrinsically  boring to those who haven't experienced it.

Since having children, I have accepted that my path has diverged from those of my childfree friends. You tend to make friends based on the stage of life you're at, so expect to make parent friends soon.

#4 dakotaskys

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:00 PM

Funny you should mention that, I am about 7 weeks preg and have a bit of a belly now (bloating I am sure)  and I had my so called best friend  comment on my belly and then go onto say "your a$$ is getting fat too, I bet it's a boy" mad.gif (I am size 8-10)
I am thinking of giving up this friendship, my a$$ doesn't look any different to me and at 7 weeks its doubtful there would be such a change to warrant such a cruel remark. All I can think about now is wanting to loose weight on account of my so called fat a$$ sad.gif


#5 babyinabackpack

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:01 PM

I found this aswell early on with my pregnancy, and until about week 16 found pregnancy to be a very lonely experience for that reason. However, I have since found some lovely new friendships with other mums-to-be.. something I NEVER would have thought myself doing and am much happier now. I have also found that since have my mums-to-be friends to talk and share baby with, that I have been able to regain my prior friendships, just with less expectations from them. As my pregnancy has progressed I have found that for the most part things have improved and the have started to show an interest. According to them, they were afraid that it was going to change the friendship so they didn't want to hear about it.. If that makes sense. Now they are more comfortable with it.
Good luck!

#6 MarilynM

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:04 PM

Thanks little lion and cinnabubble.

I guess it's inevitable that friendships change, but it's a bit sad as well. I hope it'll feel different once I meet people who are in the same stage of life. I'll start pregnancy yoga soon, hopefully I can meet some new people through that.

#7 Feral WibbleWobble

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:05 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 25/11/2012, 10:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's pretty standard for childfree people not to be into pregnancy and babies. Before I had children I was all yuck, why would you want to ruin your life by doing that, it's revolting. I think pregnancy is intrinsically  boring to those who haven't experienced it.

Since having children, I have accepted that my path has diverged from those of my childfree friends. You tend to make friends based on the stage of life you're at, so expect to make parent friends soon.


This. Some friendships will wax and wane through out your life, depending on where you are both at. Some will just slowly fade away.

You may also find that the people you least expect it from take the most interest in your pregnancy, and make some new friends.

One of my friends when I sent an email announcement didn't even reply. The next time I saw her all she said was "where's the baby going to sleep". I think that was the only comment she made for my whole pregnancy.biggrin.gif She is pretty self absorbed at the best of times, so I expected it from her.

#8 MarilynM

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:09 PM

Wow dakotaskys, that sounds very harsh for a friend to say something like that! Probably good to get some distance from her, and please don't worry about your bum! There's other things to focus your attention and energy on.

Babyinabackpack, that is very consoling to hear, and it makes sense. I hope I'll find a similar set up.
xx

#9 kez71

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:09 PM

maybe she is taking her cues from you. You said you don't talk about it much, so maybe she doesn't think you want to talk about it.
My bestie was super quiet about my pregnancy announcment too and never asked questions, not even when i told her we were doing IVF. But I saw her yesterday (im almost 21 weeks) and she says shes soo excited about our baby and has already started shopping, she was talking to my belly etc. So I don't know what the deal was early on. My advise is to bring it up occasionally and see what happens. Failing that, find some friends who are also expecting..one of my other friends is a few weeks behind me and its fun talking to her about it all!

#10 dakotaskys

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:15 PM

QUOTE
Wow dakotaskys, that sounds very harsh for a friend to say something like that! Probably good to get some distance from her, and please don't worry about your bum! There's other things to focus your attention and energy on.


Yes it was very harsh! I expected a haha or something but nope it didn't happen. ohmy.gif I am going to get as much distance from her as I can don't you worry! I really don't need to be made to feel bad about my weight. Especially so early into a pregnancy when my clothes still fit.
Best of luck with your friendships. Xxx

#11 Mum_of_five

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:16 PM

Sadly friendships will change, and some friends will one day dissapear, which is devistating... I have a few friends who have stayed in my life, and they will always be very dear to me original.gif



Some of the friends i dont hear from anymore are my childrens God parents which is really sad and shows how close we once were... The one thing to look forward to is that  you will also gain friends... They will be mums the same as you, who you will get together for coffees with amd have playdates with. and you can chat with about sleepless nights, teething ect and theywill listen and care because they are going through the same thing..

#12 epl0822

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:17 PM

Hi, I'm sorry your friends haven't been supportive of a major life change you're going through. You're right, it's not like you're expecting them to constantly coo and gaze at ultrasounds with you - but it's not unreasonable to expect a little bit of interest and excitement for you.

I was the first of all my friends to get pregnant and fortunately most of them were far more supportive. But one close friend had zero interest - she still doesn't - and it stung. Since becoming a mum I've made so many more mum friends to share my parenthood experience and I really appreciate that. I am still good friends with the aforementioned friend - I enjoy meeting up with her especially when I feel like taking a break from all the mummy stuff. But I can't really share my motherhood experience with her and I've come to accept that.

#13 sarkazm76

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:20 PM

I know exactly how you feel.  My BFF lives in a different city so it's not like we talk all the time but I think I heard from her once my whole pregnancy, when she was in town and came to visit.  She happenned to be passing through not long after I had him and stopped in to say hi - she wouldn't hold him and really wasn't interested in listening to anything I said (I was actually having a very difficult time).
When I found out she was pregnant I made a huge effort to contact her much more and ask how she was going and what not and mostly got no reply.  I went down to see her when bubs was a few months old - a 24 hour visit requiring nothing on her part, I got myself there, entertained myself, helped her out, maybe spent a few hours with her total.  But in that time she told me about her friend that she was making all this effort with and gettign nothing back and the ironic slap in the face about knocked me over... but I said nothing.  

My other BF was living with us when I fell pregnant and at first was great and bought things for the baby and was excited and really great.  I'd been there for her son for 15 years so was exciting to share me finally going to have kids too.  We had high risk 1:24 for downs syndrome - she said "oh you'll be OK" and never asked again about it.  She just suddenly wanted no involvement.  I had my gall bladder out at 17 weeks - she rang me in hospital very concerned and wonderful.  She moved out of our place ( I knew this was happenning) that weekend.  She sent me moeny for bills as they came in, for about 4 weeks maybe.  Then I never heard from her again.  She said "I'll be over on the weekend to fix the hole my son put in the wall and clean the carpets" and that was it.  Never returned a phone call, email, ntohing.  I have no idea what changed.  We got our locks changed.

You know what I realise - if this is the way grown women are going to run their relationships then I don't need them in my life.  If you invest so much time and love into a friendship only to have people just up and leave rather than have it out with you if there was a problem... then let them go. ...... even thought it hurts.  You will find new friends in the most unexpected ways once you have your children original.gif  Perhaps it's a cycle of life original.gif



#14 SnazzyFeral

Posted 25 November 2012 - 10:48 PM

I think that pregnancy can be a difficult topic for many people especially given the taboo about miscarriage ect. There are lots of things we don’t share with even our really good friends. Pregnancy also  is not only about the pregnant person having to change but also their friends have to decide if they want to have a child in their lives ....and maybe they don’t.  when you are pregnant is all consuming really and it is difficult to remember that other people have no interest what so ever not because they are bad people but because they are not in the baby head space.

#15 Koobie83

Posted 26 November 2012 - 05:44 AM

My friends have been ok - its my sister who as been acting strange. We've always been in competition with each other (well so my DH says) and all her friends are getting married and having babies now with no signs that her boyfriend is ready to settle down yet. I thought she would be excited at least about becoming an aunty, but she's just feeling jealous. It makes me feel sad sometimes.

#16 MegzG

Posted 26 November 2012 - 06:07 AM

just another perspective for you, i find it hard to talk to my pregnant friends as it reminds me of the fact that im still not pregnant, and it upsets me

whenever i hear a pregnancy announcment i do get a little teary and have to be by myself for a while. a guy a work told me on friday that his wife is pregnant, actually 19 weeks but he hadnt said anything yet as he was worried it would upset me.

#17 MarilynM

Posted 26 November 2012 - 06:21 AM

Thank you all so much for your replies. It seems like everyone's had at least one similar experience. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Megz, I understand it must be really hard for you. Being jealous is such a yukkie feeling but you can't help it! I hope it happens for you soon.

I understand that some people are just not in baby mode and I respect that. I still think that they could show some interest though, isn't that what you do with friends, you show empathy and interest in their lives? I don't particularly care about the hot guy in the kitchen of the pub every Wednesday night when she goes to trivia, but I still show interest because she is my friend and it is important to her.

The first friend I mentioned first was actually talking a while ago about how she and her partner were planning on trying for a baby by the end of this year. They've moved their plans a bit because of her work and because they want to travel in August. But you'd think she would actually be interested seen as she had been thinking about it as well.

Oh well. I'm repeating myself. Best thing is to find some new friends in similar situations, from what I gather from your replies.

#18 Guest_Dinah_Harris_*

Posted 26 November 2012 - 06:33 AM

I can only further suggest, apart from your friends possibly being a little shallow, is that they may be struggling.
I was on infertility treatment for 5 years before I had my first baby, and every single baby announcement was just fresh pain.  I found that while I would congratulate my friends, I found it very very hard to talk about.  I also found it very difficult to articulate what I was feeling, because infertility for me was a lonely journey.  So perhaps some of my friends (not my best friends who knew everything), thought I was rude and disinterested.  I wasn't.  I was just trying to prevent a massive breakdown in public.
Another friend of mine hasn't had children and has had very difficult relationships.  I know that she finds it difficult to hang around my kids because she is still grieving what she can't have.  She would never say anything to me, but I know.  On the surface, she talks a lot about hot guys she's met or clubs she's been to, but that is just surface stuff.  What she is really feeling is a far different matter.
Just another suggestion.  I do hope you find some support though, to share your exciting news with.

#19 Natttmumm

Posted 26 November 2012 - 07:04 AM

Some of my single friends without kids have been like that over my 3 pregnancies. I remember being really hurt when neither of them came to visit DD2 is hospital. When I think about it I still get upset. Over the years I have kept up the friendships as much as I can but its just not the same as it was pre kids. To be fair it does go both ways as I couldnt go to one of their birthdays as I had one of the kids sick. The friend did understand.

On the bright side I have made new friends with kids. It takes time but it happens easily when you have kids the same age. I was never close to my SIL before kids at all. Now we are much closer as we both have kids the same age and the kids love each other. It was not the place i expected to make a close friend.

I would join mothers group and playgroup once you have the bub as it can be a great place to make life long friends.

I would still keep in contact with your single friends as its just a time in your lives that probably doesnt "gel" together. That can change so easily too. One of my friends took a long time to fall pregnant and didnt want much contact for years with people who had kids (she was open about how hard that was for her) - now we are both pregnant together and because we did keep in contact (even though it was a lot less) its easy for things to get back on track.

#20 miajas

Posted 26 November 2012 - 08:13 AM

My BFF for 15yrs hardly contacted me after our first child and has still never acknowledged our second who is now 2.5yrs old. Yes she is single with no children but when i see photos of her on facebook with her other friends children it really hurts. I gave up contacting her after she text me a lame excuse about not being able to visit us at the hospital. It still hurts and I am finding it hard to make new friends as I just don't want the rejection again. I have other friends who i see occasionally who i have known for over 10yrs and also have had children the same time but its not the same type of friendship i had with BF which is what i miss the most.

#21 Schmig

Posted 26 November 2012 - 08:36 AM

I agree with a lot of opinions in here. It can be hard when your friends get pregnant and you can't or aren't ready quite yet.  It is worth trying to think about it from the friends point of view. You don't know if they are having struggles of their own TTC and you may be talking about your pregnancy more than you realise.It doesn't necessarily mean that as the non pregnant friend you no longer want the friendship but it can be hard when your friend's focus changes to be all about her family.

I also struggled to get pregnant and as the last of my friends it was hard to see their lives change and me unable to have my own family. I couldn't get excited for them as I felt left out and like I no longer had anything in common with them. I still tried to maintain the friendship and as their children grew out of the baby phase we were able to resume our friendships. I didn't see them as often but we are still good friends. I now have one child of my own and am glad I persisted with trying to make it work as it would be sad now to have given up some great friendships.

#22 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 26 November 2012 - 08:49 AM

I have oa few pregnant friends at the moment, one being a first time mum, who knows everything.

I am finding it hard to be around her because she is so annoying and obnoxious and thinks she is the first pregnant person ever to have existed. God I hope I wasn't that annoying.

OP true friends should show an interest because they are friends, but I think babies and pregnancy is one subject that can really be touchy for many because of their own struggles. You will probably find you end up  making new friendships.

#23 noi'mnot

Posted 26 November 2012 - 08:52 AM

I'm a little bit different to others here. When I'm pregnant, it's not really a big deal in my day to day life. Sure I'm excited about having a baby (which is exciting and wonderful) but it's not something that I talk about on a day-to-day basis. It's just a normal part of life for me. So, I rarely talk about it unless asked and even then it takes me a little while to remember how many weeks along I am, or whatever. I know that a lot of people are different to me - everybody's pregnancy and parenting journey is different - I'm just letting you know how mine is.

So, if your friend has friends like me then perhaps they're just used to not talking about it much. Pregnancy just doesn't take a big role in my everyday life, personally, and I've normally go a lot of other thing that I want to talk about just as much or more than my gestation.

I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt, though. I think you should let your friends know how you're feeling and how you'd like to share your excitement with them - if they're the good friends that you describe I'm sure they'll take the opportunity to make you feel better. original.gif

#24 MissButtercup

Posted 26 November 2012 - 09:39 AM

I think friendships change at different stages of life and pregnancy is just one of them. However it doesn't make it any easier. sad.gif

I am having a few issues with a friend at the moment that I use to see everyday that I am now avoiding. I've had a difficult pregnancy full of a lot of worry (IUGR). When I originally told her we have a small baby her response was "well your not exactly huge and neither are your girls" hmm ok. Then things got a little worse and I sent her a msg explaining everything in detail and asking if she could be on stand by to watch out girls for us if needed until my mum could come to watch them and I didn't get a reply. sad.gif

Everytime I've seen her since she asks how I am ect but everything I say seems to go in one ear and out the other, isn't as bad as or is related back to her SIL who is also pregnant and she is clearly very jealous of.

Now this chick has 3 children of her own who everyone has made a fuss about before and after birth even though there has been TTC issues etc... I just don't get it so I've tried to distance myself from getting too involved with her. Probably a little selfish but I just don't have the energy for it with all the dramas we're having.

ETA - I don't expect her to drop everything and turn all her attention to me just to show some understanding or even just say 'it will be ok' once every now and again.

Edited by MissButtercup, 26 November 2012 - 09:43 AM.


#25 robot sm

Posted 26 November 2012 - 10:47 AM

We don't have many friends here who have kids, and a lot of our closest friends are men, so my general tactic when they ask the obligatory 'how's everything going?' is to tell them something that they can relate to, or a really weird pregnancy fact that isn't too gross but starts the conversation.  I've found that often people are interested, but maybe don't know how to show it - I know that's how I used to feel when I spoke to pregnant friends or colleagues.  
I'm lucky that I haven't had any friends back off since I've been pregnant, but I can sympathise with needing support early in the pregnancy.  We didn't tell our families until about 9 weeks, then only our parents until we told close friends at 12 weeks, so for a while I felt pretty isolated without much support or excitement.  Stay close to the people who support you!




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