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WWYD in this situation?
9yr girls sleepover disaster!

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#1 DM36

Posted 22 November 2012 - 12:19 AM

My DD is 9 and a half, but she is a very naive 9, she still believes 100% in Santa, the Tooth Fairy etc and is very afraid of the dark.

She has no trouble having sleepovers at friends houses, or going to other kids houses for a play and was invited to a sleepover party last weekend by a girl in her class.
She was quite anxious all week about going as there was another girl going (I'll call her Amy) who DD does not like - she thinks Amy is very mean and says a lot of nasty things to most kids in their year group.

After asking DD about a million times if she really wants to go, she decided that she did want to, so I assured her that the friends Mum could ring me any time of the day or night if she wanted to come home.

DD came home Saturday morning after the sleepover and seemed really emotional and overtired, which I expected anyway as that usually happens after a sleepover. But then she kept crying and crying over the smallest things and I realised it was something more than just being overtired.

She finally told me that the night before they had gone skating at the skating rink and on the way home they stopped at the local shopping centre to get a few things. The mother of the birthday girl left the kids in the car by themselves in the dark while she ran into the supermarket.
As I mentioned before, DD is quite scared of the dark so to be left alone in the car with the other kids was a little bit scary for her.
The part I'm struggling with is this - 'Amy' wound down the window and told DD that 'someone was going to get DD out of the car and rape her'

For a start, DD doesn't even know what rape means (She knows about sex, periods etc, but nothing about sexual assault, I think she may actually think that rape means kidnapping). She told me the next day that she was so scared she was crying, and that Amy then teased her for crying and added that she just saw a man come out of the chemist near them with a balaclava on, just to frighten her even more.
Later on at back at the house, after the parents had gone to bed, Amy opened a window and again told DD that someone was going to come in and rape her. DD told me the next day that she was too frightened to get out of bed and ask the mum to ring me.

I am going to speak to DD's teacher about this tomorrow as she just hasn't been herself these past few days and I wanted to know if she's been ok in class. Amy hasn't been at school this week at all so there haven't been any issues there, but I don't know what else I should do. Do I confront this girls mum and tell her what happened, or does that make it worse for DD at school? Amy has never bothered her at school before but I know of many other instances where she has targeted particular kids - one has even left the school after Amy asked her 'if her parents have sex as she see's her Mum and Dad having sex on the couch all the time'.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but surely this isn't normal 9 yr old behaviour?? I know girls talk about periods and things like that but I think this has gone too far.

What would you do if this was your 9 yr old and they were told that something like this, purely for the scare factor? Am I overreacting in thinking this was so wrong, or am I just as naive as my daughter and this is normal behaviour for some 9 year olds? Please don't flame, as I am really struggling to know what to do here - I don't want to over react and cause a fuss for no reason.

#2 butterflydreaming

Posted 22 November 2012 - 12:39 AM

No Amy's behaviour is far from normal and to me all that rape/sex talk rings alarm bells. I would at the very least discuss what Amy is saying with her teacher.

No Amy's behaviour is far from normal and to me all that rape/sex talk rings alarm bells. I would at the very least discuss what Amy is saying with her teacher.

#3 Fright bat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 01:29 AM

QUOTE (butterflydreaming @ 22/11/2012, 01:39 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No Amy's behaviour is far from normal and to me all that rape/sex talk rings alarm bells. I would at the very least discuss what Amy is saying with her teacher.

This a million times. I know your daughter has been upset but I think your primary concern should be for Amy, even though she has been the 'perpetrator' in this instance. It may be that Amy thinks 'rape' is kidnapping or something similar, or she may know what it is from innocent sources (my mother explained it to me when I was eight and decided to read 'To Kill a Mockingbird'). But it may well be the case that she has been assaulted or has witnessed sexual assault.

As an aside, I was a shy and scared kid too, and I still don't especially like the dark. But I your daughter is so scared that she would consider missing a party, or can't sit in a car with a bunch of other people, then perhaps you need to start working through her concerns with her. This sounds like its interfering in her enjoyment of day to day life and rather at the pointy end of normal.

#4 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 22 November 2012 - 01:35 AM

I dont think thats 'normal' at all, definitely let the teacher know!

#5 R2B2

Posted 22 November 2012 - 05:40 AM

Just thought I would echo what the others have said.

this does not sound like normal behaviour.
"Amy" seems to be fixated on rape. i'd certainly be speaking to the teacher - and also broaching if/how/when to approach the mother.
I would want to know if my child was saying things like that.

hope your little girl is back to her normal self soon,OP sad.gif

#6 JingleBlitzenBells

Posted 22 November 2012 - 05:58 AM

I would definitely have a talk to the teacher  as it sounds this experience could very well impact her at school.   If Amy sees her as someone easy to target then I would be very surprised if she didnt keep teasing your DD

Did the mother know of your DD's problems?  I find it odd tbh, that the birthday girl didnt dob on Amy or that the mum didnt pick up on the fact that your DD was upset - I'm pretty sure I would have noticed if one of my party girls was crying when I got back to the car.

I think I would have a "I just have to let you know waht happened..." talk with the party girls mum and let her know of Amys actions.   She may not GAF, but most normal parents would be horrified at this type of behaviour.

#7 SplashingRainbows

Posted 22 November 2012 - 06:07 AM

Am I the only one who would ring docs and alert them to my concerns for Amy?

This is definitely not normal behaviour for a 9 yo (or any age really) but those kinds of statements about rape and watching her parents have sex are very concerning.

Sure, mention it to the teacher as well - no doubt as a mandatory reporter she'd need to report it anyway - but surely a secon hand report to docs is better than a third hand report?

#8 mumto3princesses

Posted 22 November 2012 - 06:24 AM

I agree, its not normal behaviour.

One of my twins would probably have the same reaction as your DD while the would have screamed at her (she has a very high pitch scream that hurts your ears) and then hit her over the head. Lol

I did initially think it was unusual for the mum not to have noticed that your DD was upset but then I remembered that one of my DD's is very good at hiding emotions in front of people so it is possible the mum might not have noticed.

#9 Sophie11

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:26 PM

I have a 9 yr old and I can visualise that being my dd....

Me I would just not let her have anything to do with that girl...

I would talk to the some of the other mums that girls were at the same paty and asked their thoughts if I knew them well enough.

My DD often has people scare her at sleep ovas...My DD would definetly make it known to an adult that she was upset and ask to go home....hopefully.  Where do these horrible 9yr olds come from they seem to be a lot of them.  Then you look at their mums and they seems so sweet....

#10 kiam

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:33 PM

Not normal behaviour from Amy at all.

Doesn't always mean alarm bells as for her personal situation, it may be, or it could just be parents who want her to "grow up" before her time and treat her as a teenager rather than a 9yr old (when I worked in a school there was a pair of brothers for who this was the case).

I would let the party girl's mother know too. Just so she knows next time that Amy is over to keep an extra eye on her. I would assume that the party host child may be a little unsettled by all this too.

Edited by kiam, 22 November 2012 - 07:34 PM.

#11 llg

Posted 22 November 2012 - 08:26 PM

I would have a number of questions.

1.  What is happening in Amy's house that she would tell your daughter someone is going to rape her and ask others if their mother and father has sex?    That needs to be expressed to the teacher.

2.   Does she have older siblings.  Perhaps they are telling her things and she is too young to understand and they are not fully explaining.

3.   If she has older siblings do they have a go at each other?   Perhaps that is the way her family thinks their being funny.  Perhaps that is the way she works... sees a weakness and then keeps at it.  Like a child poking and picking a scab.

4.   Why is the OP child so scared?   Is there anything that can be done about that?  At this age she may still get away with it but it will not be soon until other kids take advantage of it.    I'm surprised kids have not picked on her before now.    This is not to say that I believe they should but from experience overly sensitive children are often bullied and learning to have a little inner strength or at least how to put  on a good act is very helpful.

#12 Jenno

Posted 22 November 2012 - 08:33 PM

Dd2 has a girl in her class who is like "Amy" , turns out she has a 15 yr old brother who she is alone with every afternoon after school  as both parents worked in the family business.

I keep telling dd to stay away but she is still upset most days.

Try talking to the teacher about keeping them separated as much as possible and next time ask the other mother if "Amy" is going to be at the sleepover as well..

#13 Fr0g

Posted 22 November 2012 - 08:42 PM

It's worrying that Amy is talking about rape, but I wonder whether Amy is throwing around 'grown up' words that she has heard older siblings use/ overheard on the news etc? I'm just trying to keep it in perspective. I work with youth (troubled youth, granted), and they threaten 'rape' quite loosely amongst themselves - I know how shocking that sounds , but I just wonder whether Amy has older siblings that she's overheard? Not that it excuses it, I'm NOT implying that, but it might explain why Amy has chosen this phrase?

It's not ok that she has scared your daughter, I'd probably have a quiet word with the teacher - I wouldn't bring in other parents - I'd hate for assumptions to be made which lead itself to gossip.

Or, if in doubt - choose a quiet time to phone child protection in your state and ask whether it's worth notifying.

#14 yellowtulips74

Posted 22 November 2012 - 08:51 PM

My younger daughter had some issues with being too afraid to go upstairs by herself (we live in a very small 2 storey unit) and a few visits with a child psychologist really helped.  She's fine now.

If I was Amy's mother I'd want to know.

If I was the sleepover host mother I'd definitely want to know too.

How many other children were at the sleepover?  They might possibly have been a little traumatised by all this too, but are too embarrassed to say anything.

I'd also be calling child protection.  Of course it might be nothing, but if she does need help, this might be the 'missing link' final piece of information they need to help her.

I hope your DD recovers from the experience soon.

#15 Julie3Girls

Posted 22 November 2012 - 08:59 PM

My first guess is that Amy has older siblings, and has been exposed to a much older scene (particularly movies/tv)

It is probably worth mentioning it to the teacher, as you DD is obviously still bothered by it all. The teacher might know the child a bit and might have a better idea if this is something to be concerned about (for Amy's sake)

I would also be chatting to the host mother, just letting her know what was going on in case any of the other girls are upset by it.

And lastly, I'd be having a good chat with my daughter about how some people can be mean, and say things that aren't true. And be actively working on ways to build up her resiliance a bit.  Easier said than done I know .. my DD1 (11yrs) tends to be very naive and takes things very much at face value and to heart. We are working on it, and she has improved immensely. And until recently, DD2 (almost 9yrs)  has ended her sleepovers at 10-11pm with my picking her up, in tears just because she is "missing mummy". I'm very proud of the fact that she has just come home from a 2 night camp.

#16 Feral Becky

Posted 22 November 2012 - 09:08 PM

I agree with you, Julia3girls.

I really wouldn't flag this as behaviour that Amy had been raped, rather exposed to more adult material in books, film, etc. As I child I always read books aimed at older readers and coupled with a very good imagination, I could probably have told those stories. Luckily I was shy.

I went on a Scout camp as a parent helper when DD was 10 and the girls were telling ghost stories similar to what Amy said (without the rape aspect)

Keep and eye on it, I would mention it to the sleepover mum, not Amys mum.

Going to run this by a child psych friend too. as I am no expert.

#17 Dylan's Mummy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 09:18 PM

It would be a good idea to speak to the teacher first. She may know what kind of parents Amy has. There are parents out there who really don't care what they discuss around their kids, who probably aren't careful about when and where they have sex while there are children in the house who may be awake and who pass their cruel naturesto to their kids. The teacher probably has an idea of the type of parents they are. If the teacher thinks the parents are reasonable, caring parents then it would be ok for you to speak to them. If the parents are the not caring type then you could speak to the principal and/or guidance officer who may be able to speak to the parents.

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