Jump to content

Am I being unreasonable?
bit long and venty sorry


  • Please log in to reply
42 replies to this topic

#1 Fastrunnydog

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:29 PM

I am 32 weeks pregnant and I have a just-turned 3yr old and a 19 mth old, both of whom are terrible sleepers and are really quite a handful.  I have pregnancy insomnia lately so when they have been waking in the night it is DH who gets up to them so that I can get a little sleep each night (he can go straight back to sleep and I can't).   I am also anemic so am more exhausted than usual.   I work part time and the kids go to daycare 3 days a week.

DH asked me about 4 months ago if I would mind if he went on a holiday with mates for 5 days in November (now) and even though I told him I'd be heavily pregnant and would likely struggle with the kids and everything else,  he decided I'd be fine  went ahead and booked it anyway.  I've known it was coming and have been dreading it, especially after the last few weeks of stress and exhaustion.


SO he left tonight, and I am angry - really angry that I will be facing 6 nights with minimal sleep, pregnancy exhaustion and dealing with fighting screaming toddlers and trying to work, while he is living it up with mates.  I am also quite jealous that he is doing this and it's not practical for me to do anything similar - even if it was practical it won't be an option for a long while as the new baby will be here soon.

Admittedly he's a very hands on father and has been very supportive in the last few weeks especially. The kids will be in daycare 3 of the 5 days he's away. But there is still the early morning drop off and then pick up, preparation, making lunches,  bathing and feeding, housework etc and then the endless sleepless nights in between.

So am I justified in feeling this p888ed off or am I being a bit hormonal and unreasonable (read naggy, sour old fishwife).  I should add that he does have a reasonable social life anyway, going to the pub or the cricket with mates at least once a fortnight or so.


#2 Expelliarmus

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:32 PM

Did you actually say "no, that's not fine" or just say you'd be heavily pregnant and it would be hard?

#3 WYSIWYG

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:35 PM

QUOTE (howdo @ 21/11/2012, 04:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Did you actually say "no, that's not fine" or just say you'd be heavily pregnant and it would be hard?

My thoughts too.

It's hard to say OP. I'd perhaps would have compromised and cut it down to 2-3 nights. I would also be booking myself in for a pregnancy massage for when he gets home and go get pampered followed by shopping, child free.

#4 HurryUpAlready

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:41 PM

Yes, I imagine you would be feeling a bit p!ssed off right about now! I guess if you thought it would be too much you either needed to put your foot down when the idea came up, or at least at some point prior to his departure.

Just make sure that DH is well aware that as soon as baby is able to be left, he is on his own whilst you have your own get away! Easier said than done, I know... but it might make it easier to live with.

Do you have a mum / sister close by that could come & stay with you whilst DH is away? At least they could help with lunches / dinners, bath time etc or mind the kids whilst you grab a nap if the opportunity arises.

Re bath time, can you plonk the kids in the bottom of the shower rather than having to lift in/out of the bath?

Re housework, I'd definitely be leaving that for DH when he gets home!!!

ETA: re the kids' lunches... Can you make a weeks worth of sandwiches in one hit and freeze them, then just get them out on the day? That would save some time each morning. They probably won't be the best lunch they have ever had, but it's only for a few days, they'll survive.


Edited by HurryUpAlready, 21 November 2012 - 06:45 PM.


#5 The Old Feral

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:44 PM

I think you probably are being a touch unreasonable but let me be quick to point out I'd be feeling exactly the same in your shoes!

Firstly, can you take a day off work while he's away and the kids are in care, so you can rest and just escape the relentlessness for a few hours?

Second, don't be a martyr...plan your own mini break or weekend away. You have two whole months to organise it... No excuses, OK? wink.gif

#6 Fastrunnydog

Posted 21 November 2012 - 07:55 PM

thanks for the replies, I was looking for a bit of perspective!

And no, I didn't say no to him or that I flat out wouldn't cope but I know if I had have asked him not to go, he would have resented it.  I guess I just sort of hoped he'd work out that 5 days away is a bit too much at this point in time.

#7 FeralFerretOfDoom

Posted 21 November 2012 - 07:58 PM

I'd be feeling pretty hard done by in your case.

It's a real bugbear for me when DH asks me if I mind if he does something and then goes and does it when I say I'm not keen, I feel like there was no point in him asking if he was going to do it anyway.

And under the circumstances I think you're entirely justified in thinking it's unfair that he gets to go off and do this, while you're pregnant now and likely to be tied to a newborn for quite some time after that, so realistically can't do something similar.


#8 QueenIanthe

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:00 PM

I read your first sentence and had already decided you weren't being unreasonable. Nothing changed my mind as I read the rest of your post.

Can you get a weekend away maybe before the baby comes?

Edited by Ianthe, 21 November 2012 - 08:01 PM.


#9 FeralFerretOfDoom

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:03 PM

QUOTE (Fastrunnydog @ 21/11/2012, 08:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And no, I didn't say no to him or that I flat out wouldn't cope but I know if I had have asked him not to go, he would have resented it.  I guess I just sort of hoped he'd work out that 5 days away is a bit too much at this point in time.



That's exactly the problem that I have - I'm the bad guy if I flat out say no, but if I just say I'd prefer it if he didn't but leave the choice to him he'll do what he wants. I'd rather he just said "I've decided to do this" because that's really what he means, and then I'm not damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Hope it goes ok for you OP. Make sure he does somthing incredibly nice for you when he gets back.

#10 jayskette

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:03 PM

women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!

#11 Cath42

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:11 PM

No, you're not being unreasonable.

And I'm going to get flamed here, but what he ought to be doing is (a) helping his anaemic wife to get as much rest as she can and (b) focussing on sleep training those toddlers so that they're not such an issue when number three arrives. I would have thought he should be prioritising sorting out the sleep issues ahead of pinging off with his mates.



#12 LambChop

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:11 PM

You knew it was coming for weeks, why didn't you take the week off work or ask a family member for help ?

Or take some sick leave to get some rest but still send them to day care ?

You can always choose to give yourself some down time, don't have to stay independent working perfect woman.... prioritise yourself original.gif

#13 Chelli

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:12 PM

Wow that is a long time away when you have so much going on. Yes, I would be upset to be left in that situation, especially when you are not feeling the best, the children's behaviour is not great and you are exhausted.

I get the need for him to have time with his mates but surely a compromise could have been reached if you pointed out the impact this would have on you and the kids. A weekend away might have been ok, but a whole week is a much bigger burden for you sad.gif

Hopefully when he returns he will give you a nice long break.

Take care



#14 FeralZombieMum

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:14 PM

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, but you should have been direct to your DH because some men need to be told, not left to their own to work these things out. wink.gif

Plus wouldn't it have been better for him to be resentful, than for you to be resentful, angry and on your own now? Maybe if you'd said "OMG I can't believe you're even asking that! What kind of husband would do that to his wife!" wink.gif

Hope his mates tell him off and he comes back early!

#15 mum201

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:23 PM

QUOTE (jayskette @ 21/11/2012, 09:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!


Nor subtleties! I think you had to flat out tell him what you wanted.
Or maybe it's like me and DH. Because I never externalise when I am at the end of my tether, DH always thinks everything is peachy and a piece of cake. So in this circumstance unless I specifically said 'I don't think I could cope', he would think I would be a-ok.

#16 Gentrified

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:29 PM

I wouldn't like the situation either - but I've been learning to be more forthright about these things up front when we have the initial discussion.

Given that he's already going, I really hope you can find ways to make it easier on yourself. I would feel justified spending lots of extra money on takeaway food and activities for the kids or babysitters if needed - anything to make it easier (if he can afford to go away...you can afford to make your life easier too, I hope).

I would probably have to have a conversation about my anger before he left. If it was me, that would help me know that he's acknowledged my feelings (even if he still decides to go) and then perhaps I would find it easier to be ok with the situation. Maybe he'll have some ideas about strategies you can use to cope?

I think the most dangerous thing is for you to be feeling utterly resentful for the whole time - so do whatever you can to make it easier, and talk to him about it as much as you can first in the most mature way you can manage given how you are feeling.




#17 bakesgirls

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:32 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable. His responsibilities are to his wife and family, not to his mates. I think his actions are very self indulgent, especially considering what a tough time you are having at the moment.

Is there any way you can take time off work, call in sick or something? That way you can rest when the two little ones are in childcare.

#18 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:35 PM

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be p*ssed off. He can see you're struggling yet still decides to go off without any consideration for you.

#19 mollybot

Posted 21 November 2012 - 10:22 PM

QUOTE (jayskette @ 21/11/2012, 06:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!


This. I find that if I feel I am being uncomfortably blunt that it may just get through to DH. (Who is a lovely bloke)

I also think that as Mum I am the centre of the household*. Happy Wife, happy life. Happy Mum, Happy kids etc, so it is actually my *duty* to make sure that I am happy with all the household arrangements.

Your DH is going to come home to an exhausted wife ready to chew chunks out of him (I know I would be !). Better to have said "No. I cannot cope. Book a holiday 6 months after the baby comes and we'll all come with you. I want somewhere where they give you massages everyday"

Next time, just say "no".

When he comes home, I wouldn't sulk, I would just lay it out "I am upset and annoyed that you took off for a holiday when you knew I was struggling and exhausted. I expected you to realise that I would find it hard and unpleasant to cope with you away".... and just leave it at that. Oh and hire a cleaner. I did that when I had #3 - made all the difference !!

xxx


#20 *JAC*

Posted 21 November 2012 - 10:41 PM

I don't understand why you didn't speak up in the first place. If you didn't want him to go, why didn't you tell him? Your husband probably thinks you're the best wife ever - he knows you are struggling, yet you didn't stop him from going. Maybe he isn't a mind reader and takes what you say as how you're really feeling?

How is it his fault if you didn't tell him how you really felt?

By that I mean saying you didn't want him to go.

Edited by *JAC*, 21 November 2012 - 10:45 PM.


#21 Spa Gonk

Posted 22 November 2012 - 06:00 AM

I think it is okay to be annoyed at the situation.  But at the same time I think you are being a bit unreasonable.  He asked you ages ago about going and you did not say no.  Saying no is not about being the bad guy, it is being honest about the situation.  I feel he was in a no win situation.  If he did cancel, I imagine you would have told him it was his decision and not to blame you if he was angry?

The real clincher for me was that he asked four months ago.  If dh did this I imagine it would be for something that was quite special to him.  And he has committed to it.

#22 threeinnyc

Posted 22 November 2012 - 06:53 AM

He's leaving his 32 weeks pregnant wife with 2 handful children under 3 so that he can spend time with his mates for 5 days? Sorry OP, but that's a no no for me. He needs to grow up OP.

We only have one child, an easy going child and yet DH would never ask things like that.

#23 amaza

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:05 AM

I'm going to go against the grain and say there is a level or unreasonable on your part here.

He asked 4 MONTHS ago. That's a long time. That means that it would have been booked for ages too. Why couldn't you organise annual leave for at least 1 or 2 of those days? Organise somebody else to come and help you? Put the kids into occasional care every day for this week only if available?

You had lots of options, including telling him back then that he couldn't go. You chose to keep quiet and now when the time is here you are resentful because it's going to be too hard.

I understand why it is hard now and why you are struggling but I don't think you have any right to be angry at your DH for that.

That said, I hope the next few days flies by with well behaved and sleep through the night children for you.

#24 Bart.

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:12 AM

OP, I'd be completely p!ssed off, too.  However, I would have let him go like you did because I'm a fool who keeps hoping he'll get it.  He never will.

QUOTE
QUOTE (Fastrunnydog @ 21/11/2012, 08:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thanks for the replies, I was looking for a bit of perspective!

And no, I didn't say no to him or that I flat out wouldn't cope but I know if I had have asked him not to go, he would have resented it.  I guess I just sort of hoped he'd work out that 5 days away is a bit too much at this point in time.



QUOTE (jayskette @ 21/11/2012, 09:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!



I'm afraid Jayskette is correct.  But, if we make everything obvious, then we nag; if we don't, we get walked over.  Your DH really wanted to go, so he would have been ignoring your subtle clues and you should have been honest about how much you really need him around right now (play the 'knight in shining armor' card - always works).  But it's too late for that now.

Do whatever you can to survive these next few days and be sure to book some time for yourself when he gets back (preferably at night wink.gif ).

All the best.


(Edited for grammar)

Edited by Bartholomew, 22 November 2012 - 07:13 AM.


#25 SMforshort

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:20 AM

He has gone now so I think you need a plan to get through the next few days.

Ring daycare and see if you can book them in for the two days you don't work.  Have a break and some time for yourself during those two days.

If you have a family member who will help out, ring and see if they can mind the kids for a few hours on the weekend at their place while you run some erands (because having a nap at 32 weeks pregnant is an erand!).

Order some food in.

Take them to the video store and borrow half a dozen weekly videos.

And plan a day out for your husband and kids next weekend and make sure you have the house to yourself for at least 6 hours.  Then you have something to look forward to.

Good luck. SM




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

What you need to know about pregnancy and health insurance

It's not just waiting periods that couples need to consider - there are other factors to consider when thinking about health insurance.

Yummy mummy

Nicole Trunfio breastfeeds baby on Elle magazine cover

Australian model Nicole Trunfio has taken the concept of multitasking to a fashionable new level for Elle Australia.

Warnings after baby girl died while sleeping in bouncer

Parents have been warned about the dangers of letting babies sleep in bouncers and swings following the death of a three-month-old girl.

Coping with fatigue as a parent

Sleep deprivation is a real hazard of caring for a baby. But there are ways to manage the challenges of fatigue better.

A very 21st century issue: parents, parks and smart phones

It's not all the parents, and it's not all the time, but there is often at least one doing it. And sometimes, that 'one' is me.

Appliances

Faulty washing machines linked to house fires

More than 80,000 faulty Samsung washing machines pose a fire threat in homes throughout Australia despite a nationwide recall of the machines.

'I had a lotus birth and I loved it'

Lotus birthing is not all that common, but for a number of women it feels like the most natural thing to do.

7 things you might not know about postnatal depression

Despite its widespread nature, there is still a great amount of mystery surrounding PND - and it's important to try unravelling as much of that as we can.

Is your family's car part of the world's biggest safety recall?

More than 50 million vehicles recalled for potentially lethal airbag fault - is your car affected?

Why drinking water can be deadly for babies

H2O is one of the necessities of life, but for babies a seemingly harmless amount of water can be fatal.

Mother-in-law faceplants during proposal

He had it all planned: a romantic proposal on a windswept beach. The whole family would be there so they'd all be able to celebrate the joyous moment together.

A preschooler suddenly goes mute - and it's not just shyness

When our son stopped talking, our sense of loss was painful and acute.

The mums who ask for a 'wife bonus'

They run their homes like domestic CEOs and work tirelessly to improve their family's social standing. And now, according to a new book, they want an annual perk from their husbands.

Woman shares photo of dimple on breast to warn others of cancer risk

A widely-shared Facebook photograph of a British woman's breast has raised awareness of a more subtle breast cancer symptom.

Starting a family despite a low sperm count

"I'd never really failed a test - how could I fail this particularly manly test?"

It's official: we must better protect our kids from toxic lead exposure

New guidelines have been released, aimed at reducing children's harmful exposure to lead. But they still don't go far enough.

Trouble-shooting toddler social skills

Chances are your toddler's behaviour is all completely normal - but here's how to tackle some common social problems.

Helping your first-born welcome a sibling

We did sigh with joy at the arrival of a royal princess - but, mostly, we sighed with pity at the sight of Prince George being taken to meet her.

Farewell, daytime nap

I've been in denial and I'm not too proud to beg, but it appears I must accept the fact that you have gone. I need to let you go.

The identical triplets who are one in 50 million

The father of identical triplets born in a Texas hospital says his three daughters, including conjoined twins, are "a miracle" sent by God.

Seven questions you should be asking about your health cover

If the last time you assessed your health cover was five years ago, there?s a chance it may no longer suit your needs. To ensure it?s still right for your family, click here for seven questions to ask.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

How to use gas effectively in labour

Many women in labour don't use gas effectively and suffer more side effects than benefits. Here's how to get the most out of this pain relief option.

'He has gastro but that's okay, right?': sick kid etiquette

We cannot place all children who are sick in a bubble till they recover, but we can give other parents a choice about exposing their kids to them.

Ada Nicodemou: 'I can never be completely happy again'

Home and Away actress Ada Nicodemou has opened up about the loss of her stillborn baby.

10 things to consider when you're thinking about trying for a baby

Before you start tracking your menstrual cycle and reading up on the best positions to get pregnant, there are a few other things you may want to consider.

How special surgery and IVF can create a post-vasectomy baby

Cricket legend Glenn McGrath and his second wife Sara are expecting their first child together, thanks to IVF and a delicate surgical sperm retrieval process that helped the couple to conceive.

Belle Gibson's mother 'disgusted and embarrassed'

The mother of disgraced wellness blogger Belle Gibson has accused her daughter of lying about her childhood in an attempt to garner public sympathy.

Doctor's mobile phone 'left inside c-section mum'

A new mum claims a doctor left his mobile phone inside her after delivering her baby via caesarean section.

I'm a mum and I'm following my dreams

I want my kids to know that no matter what happens in life, you can still be who it is that you've always wanted to be.

Those first daycare days

I had this innate 'mum' moment the other day.

'If one person had listened, my life would have been so different'

Katherine's father will die in prison for the horrifying sexual abuse of his daughter. Yet she is the one with the true life sentence.

This new plan undermines breastfeeding and baby health at everyone's expense

Mothers, babies, the health system and the wider society are going to pay the price of this new budget.

Couple to celebrate terminally ill baby's birthday in unique way

Baby Jai Bishop has lived at Starship Hospital for the past seven months, with his parents flying back and forth from Hokitika, 1100km away, to be by his side.

Life On Mars

It's men who need 'retraining', not women

We are all responsible for our own behaviour. Telling victims to harden up is wrong.

Baby Gammy's dad tries to claim charity money

The biological father of baby Gammy has reportedly tried to access charity money raised for the little boy's medical costs.

Where are the childcare places?

It?s all very well to encourage women to work if they choose to, but how can the measures lead to increased workforce participation when women are once again left holding the baby?

The pain of not having babies and not knowing why

After seven years of wishing, hoping, crying, punching pillows and shouting "why me?!", the end result is more than I ever thought possible.

Getting your family finances in order

Whether you're after a new car for a growing family, a bigger house, or are just fixing up your finances, here are the basics on borrowing.

Mum shares graphic selfie to warn against tanning

A mum has shared a graphic photo of her skin cancer treatment as a warning to others.

Does parenthood make us happier?

We can certainly gain higher levels of happiness when we become parents, but the trick is to not get overwhelmed by the pressures of raising our kids.

No, having a dog is not like having a human child

It's obvious these people dote on their pets, but they're barking up the wrong tree.

 

Top baby names

Baby Names

The numbers are in and we can now bring you the 2014 top baby name list for Australia.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.