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Am I being unreasonable?
bit long and venty sorry


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#1 Fastrunnydog

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:29 PM

I am 32 weeks pregnant and I have a just-turned 3yr old and a 19 mth old, both of whom are terrible sleepers and are really quite a handful.  I have pregnancy insomnia lately so when they have been waking in the night it is DH who gets up to them so that I can get a little sleep each night (he can go straight back to sleep and I can't).   I am also anemic so am more exhausted than usual.   I work part time and the kids go to daycare 3 days a week.

DH asked me about 4 months ago if I would mind if he went on a holiday with mates for 5 days in November (now) and even though I told him I'd be heavily pregnant and would likely struggle with the kids and everything else,  he decided I'd be fine  went ahead and booked it anyway.  I've known it was coming and have been dreading it, especially after the last few weeks of stress and exhaustion.


SO he left tonight, and I am angry - really angry that I will be facing 6 nights with minimal sleep, pregnancy exhaustion and dealing with fighting screaming toddlers and trying to work, while he is living it up with mates.  I am also quite jealous that he is doing this and it's not practical for me to do anything similar - even if it was practical it won't be an option for a long while as the new baby will be here soon.

Admittedly he's a very hands on father and has been very supportive in the last few weeks especially. The kids will be in daycare 3 of the 5 days he's away. But there is still the early morning drop off and then pick up, preparation, making lunches,  bathing and feeding, housework etc and then the endless sleepless nights in between.

So am I justified in feeling this p888ed off or am I being a bit hormonal and unreasonable (read naggy, sour old fishwife).  I should add that he does have a reasonable social life anyway, going to the pub or the cricket with mates at least once a fortnight or so.


#2 Expelliarmus

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:32 PM

Did you actually say "no, that's not fine" or just say you'd be heavily pregnant and it would be hard?

#3 WYSIWYG

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:35 PM

QUOTE (howdo @ 21/11/2012, 04:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Did you actually say "no, that's not fine" or just say you'd be heavily pregnant and it would be hard?

My thoughts too.

It's hard to say OP. I'd perhaps would have compromised and cut it down to 2-3 nights. I would also be booking myself in for a pregnancy massage for when he gets home and go get pampered followed by shopping, child free.

#4 HurryUpAlready

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:41 PM

Yes, I imagine you would be feeling a bit p!ssed off right about now! I guess if you thought it would be too much you either needed to put your foot down when the idea came up, or at least at some point prior to his departure.

Just make sure that DH is well aware that as soon as baby is able to be left, he is on his own whilst you have your own get away! Easier said than done, I know... but it might make it easier to live with.

Do you have a mum / sister close by that could come & stay with you whilst DH is away? At least they could help with lunches / dinners, bath time etc or mind the kids whilst you grab a nap if the opportunity arises.

Re bath time, can you plonk the kids in the bottom of the shower rather than having to lift in/out of the bath?

Re housework, I'd definitely be leaving that for DH when he gets home!!!

ETA: re the kids' lunches... Can you make a weeks worth of sandwiches in one hit and freeze them, then just get them out on the day? That would save some time each morning. They probably won't be the best lunch they have ever had, but it's only for a few days, they'll survive.


Edited by HurryUpAlready, 21 November 2012 - 06:45 PM.


#5 The Old Feral

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:44 PM

I think you probably are being a touch unreasonable but let me be quick to point out I'd be feeling exactly the same in your shoes!

Firstly, can you take a day off work while he's away and the kids are in care, so you can rest and just escape the relentlessness for a few hours?

Second, don't be a martyr...plan your own mini break or weekend away. You have two whole months to organise it... No excuses, OK? wink.gif

#6 Fastrunnydog

Posted 21 November 2012 - 07:55 PM

thanks for the replies, I was looking for a bit of perspective!

And no, I didn't say no to him or that I flat out wouldn't cope but I know if I had have asked him not to go, he would have resented it.  I guess I just sort of hoped he'd work out that 5 days away is a bit too much at this point in time.

#7 ZombieFerretOfDoom

Posted 21 November 2012 - 07:58 PM

I'd be feeling pretty hard done by in your case.

It's a real bugbear for me when DH asks me if I mind if he does something and then goes and does it when I say I'm not keen, I feel like there was no point in him asking if he was going to do it anyway.

And under the circumstances I think you're entirely justified in thinking it's unfair that he gets to go off and do this, while you're pregnant now and likely to be tied to a newborn for quite some time after that, so realistically can't do something similar.


#8 Magi Ianthe

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:00 PM

I read your first sentence and had already decided you weren't being unreasonable. Nothing changed my mind as I read the rest of your post.

Can you get a weekend away maybe before the baby comes?

Edited by Ianthe, 21 November 2012 - 08:01 PM.


#9 ZombieFerretOfDoom

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:03 PM

QUOTE (Fastrunnydog @ 21/11/2012, 08:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And no, I didn't say no to him or that I flat out wouldn't cope but I know if I had have asked him not to go, he would have resented it.  I guess I just sort of hoped he'd work out that 5 days away is a bit too much at this point in time.



That's exactly the problem that I have - I'm the bad guy if I flat out say no, but if I just say I'd prefer it if he didn't but leave the choice to him he'll do what he wants. I'd rather he just said "I've decided to do this" because that's really what he means, and then I'm not damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Hope it goes ok for you OP. Make sure he does somthing incredibly nice for you when he gets back.

#10 jayskette

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:03 PM

women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!

#11 Cath42

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:11 PM

No, you're not being unreasonable.

And I'm going to get flamed here, but what he ought to be doing is (a) helping his anaemic wife to get as much rest as she can and (b) focussing on sleep training those toddlers so that they're not such an issue when number three arrives. I would have thought he should be prioritising sorting out the sleep issues ahead of pinging off with his mates.



#12 LambChop

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:11 PM

You knew it was coming for weeks, why didn't you take the week off work or ask a family member for help ?

Or take some sick leave to get some rest but still send them to day care ?

You can always choose to give yourself some down time, don't have to stay independent working perfect woman.... prioritise yourself original.gif

#13 Chelli

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:12 PM

Wow that is a long time away when you have so much going on. Yes, I would be upset to be left in that situation, especially when you are not feeling the best, the children's behaviour is not great and you are exhausted.

I get the need for him to have time with his mates but surely a compromise could have been reached if you pointed out the impact this would have on you and the kids. A weekend away might have been ok, but a whole week is a much bigger burden for you sad.gif

Hopefully when he returns he will give you a nice long break.

Take care



#14 FeralZombieMum

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:14 PM

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, but you should have been direct to your DH because some men need to be told, not left to their own to work these things out. wink.gif

Plus wouldn't it have been better for him to be resentful, than for you to be resentful, angry and on your own now? Maybe if you'd said "OMG I can't believe you're even asking that! What kind of husband would do that to his wife!" wink.gif

Hope his mates tell him off and he comes back early!

#15 mum201

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:23 PM

QUOTE (jayskette @ 21/11/2012, 09:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!


Nor subtleties! I think you had to flat out tell him what you wanted.
Or maybe it's like me and DH. Because I never externalise when I am at the end of my tether, DH always thinks everything is peachy and a piece of cake. So in this circumstance unless I specifically said 'I don't think I could cope', he would think I would be a-ok.

#16 SufficesToSay

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:29 PM

I wouldn't like the situation either - but I've been learning to be more forthright about these things up front when we have the initial discussion.

Given that he's already going, I really hope you can find ways to make it easier on yourself. I would feel justified spending lots of extra money on takeaway food and activities for the kids or babysitters if needed - anything to make it easier (if he can afford to go away...you can afford to make your life easier too, I hope).

I would probably have to have a conversation about my anger before he left. If it was me, that would help me know that he's acknowledged my feelings (even if he still decides to go) and then perhaps I would find it easier to be ok with the situation. Maybe he'll have some ideas about strategies you can use to cope?

I think the most dangerous thing is for you to be feeling utterly resentful for the whole time - so do whatever you can to make it easier, and talk to him about it as much as you can first in the most mature way you can manage given how you are feeling.




#17 bakesgirls

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:32 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable. His responsibilities are to his wife and family, not to his mates. I think his actions are very self indulgent, especially considering what a tough time you are having at the moment.

Is there any way you can take time off work, call in sick or something? That way you can rest when the two little ones are in childcare.

#18 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 21 November 2012 - 08:35 PM

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be p*ssed off. He can see you're struggling yet still decides to go off without any consideration for you.

#19 mollybot

Posted 21 November 2012 - 10:22 PM

QUOTE (jayskette @ 21/11/2012, 06:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!


This. I find that if I feel I am being uncomfortably blunt that it may just get through to DH. (Who is a lovely bloke)

I also think that as Mum I am the centre of the household*. Happy Wife, happy life. Happy Mum, Happy kids etc, so it is actually my *duty* to make sure that I am happy with all the household arrangements.

Your DH is going to come home to an exhausted wife ready to chew chunks out of him (I know I would be !). Better to have said "No. I cannot cope. Book a holiday 6 months after the baby comes and we'll all come with you. I want somewhere where they give you massages everyday"

Next time, just say "no".

When he comes home, I wouldn't sulk, I would just lay it out "I am upset and annoyed that you took off for a holiday when you knew I was struggling and exhausted. I expected you to realise that I would find it hard and unpleasant to cope with you away".... and just leave it at that. Oh and hire a cleaner. I did that when I had #3 - made all the difference !!

xxx


#20 *JAC*

Posted 21 November 2012 - 10:41 PM

I don't understand why you didn't speak up in the first place. If you didn't want him to go, why didn't you tell him? Your husband probably thinks you're the best wife ever - he knows you are struggling, yet you didn't stop him from going. Maybe he isn't a mind reader and takes what you say as how you're really feeling?

How is it his fault if you didn't tell him how you really felt?

By that I mean saying you didn't want him to go.

Edited by *JAC*, 21 November 2012 - 10:45 PM.


#21 Spa Gonk

Posted 22 November 2012 - 06:00 AM

I think it is okay to be annoyed at the situation.  But at the same time I think you are being a bit unreasonable.  He asked you ages ago about going and you did not say no.  Saying no is not about being the bad guy, it is being honest about the situation.  I feel he was in a no win situation.  If he did cancel, I imagine you would have told him it was his decision and not to blame you if he was angry?

The real clincher for me was that he asked four months ago.  If dh did this I imagine it would be for something that was quite special to him.  And he has committed to it.

#22 threeinnyc

Posted 22 November 2012 - 06:53 AM

He's leaving his 32 weeks pregnant wife with 2 handful children under 3 so that he can spend time with his mates for 5 days? Sorry OP, but that's a no no for me. He needs to grow up OP.

We only have one child, an easy going child and yet DH would never ask things like that.

#23 amaza

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:05 AM

I'm going to go against the grain and say there is a level or unreasonable on your part here.

He asked 4 MONTHS ago. That's a long time. That means that it would have been booked for ages too. Why couldn't you organise annual leave for at least 1 or 2 of those days? Organise somebody else to come and help you? Put the kids into occasional care every day for this week only if available?

You had lots of options, including telling him back then that he couldn't go. You chose to keep quiet and now when the time is here you are resentful because it's going to be too hard.

I understand why it is hard now and why you are struggling but I don't think you have any right to be angry at your DH for that.

That said, I hope the next few days flies by with well behaved and sleep through the night children for you.

#24 Bart.

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:12 AM

OP, I'd be completely p!ssed off, too.  However, I would have let him go like you did because I'm a fool who keeps hoping he'll get it.  He never will.

QUOTE
QUOTE (Fastrunnydog @ 21/11/2012, 08:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thanks for the replies, I was looking for a bit of perspective!

And no, I didn't say no to him or that I flat out wouldn't cope but I know if I had have asked him not to go, he would have resented it.  I guess I just sort of hoped he'd work out that 5 days away is a bit too much at this point in time.



QUOTE (jayskette @ 21/11/2012, 09:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
women need to understand males need to be given exact instructions. They don't get hints!



I'm afraid Jayskette is correct.  But, if we make everything obvious, then we nag; if we don't, we get walked over.  Your DH really wanted to go, so he would have been ignoring your subtle clues and you should have been honest about how much you really need him around right now (play the 'knight in shining armor' card - always works).  But it's too late for that now.

Do whatever you can to survive these next few days and be sure to book some time for yourself when he gets back (preferably at night wink.gif ).

All the best.


(Edited for grammar)

Edited by Bartholomew, 22 November 2012 - 07:13 AM.


#25 SMforshort

Posted 22 November 2012 - 07:20 AM

He has gone now so I think you need a plan to get through the next few days.

Ring daycare and see if you can book them in for the two days you don't work.  Have a break and some time for yourself during those two days.

If you have a family member who will help out, ring and see if they can mind the kids for a few hours on the weekend at their place while you run some erands (because having a nap at 32 weeks pregnant is an erand!).

Order some food in.

Take them to the video store and borrow half a dozen weekly videos.

And plan a day out for your husband and kids next weekend and make sure you have the house to yourself for at least 6 hours.  Then you have something to look forward to.

Good luck. SM




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