Jump to content

dumb jokes
who's got some?


  • Please log in to reply
66 replies to this topic

#51 i-love-my-son

Posted 21 April 2013 - 09:09 PM

How do you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
By the big 'E' embroidered on his pyjamas.

#52 BadCat

Posted 22 April 2013 - 07:25 AM

How do you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

Why did the elephant paint the bottom of his feet yellos?
So he could hide upside down in the custard.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

#53 i-love-my-son

Posted 22 April 2013 - 08:59 AM

What's thick, yellow and deadly.
Shark-infested custard.

Why did the elephant wear blue pyjamas to bed?
Because his red ones were dirty.

How do you fit 4 elephants in a Mini Minor?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.

How do you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?
There's one footprint in the butter.

How do you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge?
There's two footprints in the butter.

How do you tell if three elephants have been in your fridge?
There's three footprints in the butter.

How do you tell if four elephants have been in your fridge?
There's a Mini Minor parked outside.

#54 cb2

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:07 PM

3 people were on a quiz show.
The quiz master asked the question:
Old Mc Donald had a ....??
Please say you answer and spell it
The first person said:

Ranch ....R a n  c h

The second said

Barn....B a r n

The third person said
Farm.....E I E I O!!

#55 cb2

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:09 PM

The 3 little pigs went to the pub.
They consumed quite a lot and the first pig said I need to go to the toilet, so off he went
the second said I need to go to the toilet, so off he went
the thrid little piggie was sitting alone at the bar when the bar tender said to him " I bet you need the toilet to?" to which the third pig answerd " No I don't I wee wee wee all the way home!
Yep dumb joke !!

#56 DEVOCEAN

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:21 PM

Koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard , helps him to the side, and then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, so he walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

#57 mel43

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:30 PM

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

What goes broom screech broom screech broom screech?
A blonde at a red flashing light.


#58 DEVOCEAN

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:51 PM

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a freakinโ€™ accident either!'

#59 2puzzled

Posted 03 May 2013 - 06:14 PM

two snakes lying in the grass. one says to the other "are we poisonous?" The other says "no, why?".

"Coz I just bit my tongue".


#60 terri01

Posted 04 July 2013 - 03:31 PM

Why did the cow cross the road? Because it wanted to go to the moooovies. (my DD loves this joke)


There were three children playing in a play ground when a fairy came along and said to them,
"when you go down the slippery dip whatever you say on your way down you will land in at the end", the first child went down and said "Chocolate" the second child went down and said "treasure" the third child went down but forgot about what the fairy said as he was having so much fun and yelled out "weeeeeeee".

#61 Lou-bags

Posted 04 July 2013 - 03:48 PM

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "why the long face?".

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a bourbon and..*a few minutes pass*................. coke thanks".
Bartender "what's with the big pause?".

What did the mumma tomato say to the baby tomato when he was lagging behind?
Ketchup




#62 babyadvocate

Posted 14 October 2014 - 10:14 PM

Two fish in a tank... one says to the other "You drive while I man the guns..."

What did the buffalo say to his son as he was leaving to go to college?
Bi-son

Thank you fans... try the cheesecake. :)

#63 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 15 October 2014 - 02:33 PM

What did the chicken say to the duck?



Whatever you do, don't cross the road or you'll never hear the end of it.

#64 Greeniewannabe

Posted 15 October 2014 - 07:12 PM

What happens when a clown farts?


It smells funny.

#65 TrifectaOfTerrors

Posted 15 October 2014 - 07:38 PM

What will everyone call Bob the Builder when he retires?


Bob

:rofl:

#66 lazycritterisferal

Posted 15 October 2014 - 07:51 PM

I love elephant jokes!

Q: How does an elephant ๐Ÿ˜ get down from a tree?
A: sits on a leaf ๐Ÿƒ and waits til autumn.

Q: why does an Elephant paint his toenails red?
A: to hide in the strawberry ๐Ÿ“ jam

#67 maman de singe

Posted 15 October 2014 - 08:32 PM

View PostBadCat, on 22 April 2013 - 07:25 AM, said:

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

And what's the moral of the story?
Never buy a red woolly jumper.




2 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 2 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

How a pregnancy contract could work for you and your partner

The idea of making a 'pregnancy contract' with your partner may sound a bit silly at first, but it can help make the transition to parenthood a lot smoother.

Finding a mum-friendly personal trainer

Burping babies vs burpees – yes, new mums and personal trainers live in different worlds. But they can work together - once you find the right match for you and your lifestyle.

Ambulance service under fire: baby seats to go, response times 'worse than ever'

The NSW Ambulance Service is removing child-safety seats from ambulances, while the Victorian service is facing criticism over lengthy response times following the death of a three-year-old.

Alleged baby snatch incident a ?misunderstanding?, say police

Police say that an incident in which a man pulled on a woman?s pram while walking a popular Sydney route late last month was a misunderstanding.

Ebola killed my aunt and is shutting down my country

Three weeks ago, my auntie, a midwife, developed a fever. Sitting here in Sydney basked in Australian sunshine, that shouldn't be big news.

The night my ovary burst

One mum shares her frightening experience and vows to never take her health for granted again.

Is e-reading to your toddler story time or just screen time?

When reading increasingly means swiping pages on a device, and we're advised to read to their children early and often, should parents be turning to e-readers for storytime?

Community mourns inspiring young dad

A young dad who fought a five-year battle with cancer has been remembered for his inspiring legacy at a funeral service attended by hundreds of family and friends this week.

Meningococcal kills Queensland toddler

Public health authorities say the death of a toddler in north Queensland from meningococcal disease highlights the danger the illness poses.

Nicole Kidman: 'I hope every month that I'm pregnant'

Nicole Kidman is hoping to add to her family, but says she's doubtful it will happen.

Recall: Aldi Wooden London Bus play set

Aldi has announced a recall of their popular Wooden London Bus play set.

Great gift ideas for first birthdays

From soft toys to balance bikes, here are some great ideas for first birthday gifts.

Mum learnt she was pregnant hours before giving birth

Kim Walsh arrived at the doctor with abdominal cramps. Hours later, she was cradling the baby experts told her she could never have.

How cancer has made me a better, happier person

I'm a far better person post-cancer than I ever was before. The goal now is to stay around long enough to find out who I can become, and what I can achieve.

Pete Evans says a paleo diet can prevent autism. He's wrong

Pete Evans is not a paediatrician or even a nutritionist or dietitian. So why should we believe his extreme views and remove food groups from our children's diets over the advice from those more qualified?

Let's get back to commonsense parenting

Forget the new 'Lawnmower' parenting trend; try using plain old-fashioned commonsense instead.

Woman sues after having a mixed-race baby

A US woman is suing a sperm bank after it sent her vials from African-American man, instead of the white donor she had selected.

Bonding ideas dad will love

Dad may not say it, but he could be feeling lost, confused and seriously left out. However, there are lots of things new fathers can do to be more included in the excitement of pregnancy and new parenthood.

The house that hope built for childhood cancer

Baby Laelani Baker was diagnosed with cancer before she was even born. Her heartbreaking story is just one of the reasons the Build for a Cure project is raising money for vital research into childhood cancer.

Does stay-at-home parenting get better?

Parenting doesn’t ever get easier; the challenges just change. But the challenges of caring for young children definitely lessens as they get older.

Inquest into the short and tragic life of Chloe Valentine

As the first phase of an inquest into the death of Chloe Valentine drew to a close, there was no doubt Chloe's life was marred by appalling neglect.

When mothers kill

The act of killing one's child is unthinkable for most, and a mother who kills her offspring has a special power to inspire shock and revulsion.

6 beauty tips for tired mums

For those of us with young children, eight hours sleep is a distant memory. And while we can’t do much to secure more shut-eye, there are some ways to fake it.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

16 parenting truths you won't find in the baby books

I am five years into this parenting gig and I’ve learnt that sleepless nights and changing dirty nappies are child’s play.

Win 1 of 5 Canon Powershot D30 cameras

Capture life more easily with the Canon Powershot D30. Shockproof, waterproof and dustproof, you can take it almost anywhere and shoot beautiful images, time after time. Enter now!

Best and worst potty party cakes

It's nice to celebrate a child making the shift from nappies to 'big kid' undies, but do we really need a semi-realistic used toilet cake to do it? Here are some of the best and worst cakes parents have used at 'potty parties' around the world.

7 tips for a financially festive Christmas

Plan ahead - and do it now - to ensure festive season expenses don't break the bank.

'Go the F*** to Sleep' author's new book for frustrated parents

A sequel is coming soon to the 2011 hit book 'Go the F*** to Sleep' - and this time, it's about mealtimes.

Great birthday party buys from Etsy

Handmade crafts to decorate and personalise your child's next birthday - from banners to cake decorations, we've got gorgeous party finds from Etsy.

Creative storage ideas for the kids' rooms

Creative and practical storage ideas for the kids' toys and books can also add some stylish decor to your home. Visit babyology.com.au for more stylish modern finds for hip kids & parents.

Awkward grandparents

When Grandma and Grandpa pose for a snap with the kids, things can get very weird, very quickly.

To the mum in the doctor's waiting room

Maybe the mum I saw in that waiting room, seemingly disconnected from her baby, doesn’t have the support she needs.

10 space-saving nursery ideas

Starting a family doesn't always mean moving into a bigger house - not yet, anyway.

 

What's in a name?

Baby Names

Looking for a classic name, or an unusual name? Our Baby Name Finder is for you, search or browse to refine your shortlist.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.