Jump to content

dumb jokes
who's got some?


  • Please log in to reply
66 replies to this topic

#51 i-love-my-son

Posted 21 April 2013 - 09:09 PM

How do you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
By the big 'E' embroidered on his pyjamas.

#52 BadCat

Posted 22 April 2013 - 07:25 AM

How do you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

Why did the elephant paint the bottom of his feet yellos?
So he could hide upside down in the custard.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

#53 i-love-my-son

Posted 22 April 2013 - 08:59 AM

What's thick, yellow and deadly.
Shark-infested custard.

Why did the elephant wear blue pyjamas to bed?
Because his red ones were dirty.

How do you fit 4 elephants in a Mini Minor?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.

How do you tell if an elephant's been in your fridge?
There's one footprint in the butter.

How do you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge?
There's two footprints in the butter.

How do you tell if three elephants have been in your fridge?
There's three footprints in the butter.

How do you tell if four elephants have been in your fridge?
There's a Mini Minor parked outside.

#54 cb2

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:07 PM

3 people were on a quiz show.
The quiz master asked the question:
Old Mc Donald had a ....??
Please say you answer and spell it
The first person said:

Ranch ....R a n  c h

The second said

Barn....B a r n

The third person said
Farm.....E I E I O!!

#55 cb2

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:09 PM

The 3 little pigs went to the pub.
They consumed quite a lot and the first pig said I need to go to the toilet, so off he went
the second said I need to go to the toilet, so off he went
the thrid little piggie was sitting alone at the bar when the bar tender said to him " I bet you need the toilet to?" to which the third pig answerd " No I don't I wee wee wee all the way home!
Yep dumb joke !!

#56 DEVOCEAN

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:21 PM

Koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard , helps him to the side, and then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, so he walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

#57 mel43

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:30 PM

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

What goes broom screech broom screech broom screech?
A blonde at a red flashing light.


#58 DEVOCEAN

Posted 03 May 2013 - 05:51 PM

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a freakinโ€™ accident either!'

#59 2puzzled

Posted 03 May 2013 - 06:14 PM

two snakes lying in the grass. one says to the other "are we poisonous?" The other says "no, why?".

"Coz I just bit my tongue".


#60 terri01

Posted 04 July 2013 - 03:31 PM

Why did the cow cross the road? Because it wanted to go to the moooovies. (my DD loves this joke)


There were three children playing in a play ground when a fairy came along and said to them,
"when you go down the slippery dip whatever you say on your way down you will land in at the end", the first child went down and said "Chocolate" the second child went down and said "treasure" the third child went down but forgot about what the fairy said as he was having so much fun and yelled out "weeeeeeee".

#61 Lou-bags

Posted 04 July 2013 - 03:48 PM

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "why the long face?".

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a bourbon and..*a few minutes pass*................. coke thanks".
Bartender "what's with the big pause?".

What did the mumma tomato say to the baby tomato when he was lagging behind?
Ketchup




#62 babyadvocate

Posted 14 October 2014 - 10:14 PM

Two fish in a tank... one says to the other "You drive while I man the guns..."

What did the buffalo say to his son as he was leaving to go to college?
Bi-son

Thank you fans... try the cheesecake. :)

#63 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 15 October 2014 - 02:33 PM

What did the chicken say to the duck?



Whatever you do, don't cross the road or you'll never hear the end of it.

#64 Greeniewannabe

Posted 15 October 2014 - 07:12 PM

What happens when a clown farts?


It smells funny.

#65 TrifectaOfTerrors

Posted 15 October 2014 - 07:38 PM

What will everyone call Bob the Builder when he retires?


Bob

:rofl:

#66 lazycritterisferal

Posted 15 October 2014 - 07:51 PM

I love elephant jokes!

Q: How does an elephant ๐Ÿ˜ get down from a tree?
A: sits on a leaf ๐Ÿƒ and waits til autumn.

Q: why does an Elephant paint his toenails red?
A: to hide in the strawberry ๐Ÿ“ jam

#67 maman de singe

Posted 15 October 2014 - 08:32 PM

View PostBadCat, on 22 April 2013 - 07:25 AM, said:

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

And what's the moral of the story?
Never buy a red woolly jumper.




2 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 2 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Finding baby name inspiration in unusual places

Sometimes the greatest baby name ideas come from the most unexpected places, as these EB members show.

The case for inducing at 37 weeks

While we often think of pregnancy as a 40 week affair, experts agree that 37 weeks is actually “full term". So is there an argument for inducing all births at 37 weeks?

Does controlled crying really work?

Controlled-crying techniques may help some babies sleep through the night, but for many exhausted new parents, it's just a recipe for more tears all round.

How I taught my infant to use a toilet

As people become more aware of these benefits, I hope more parents will practice this method, so we can cut down on nappies and improve baby bonding.

'I thought it was impossible': Emily Symons pregnant at 45

Aussie actress Emily Symons has announced she is pregnant with her first baby.

Shallow water blackout kills fit, healthy dad

A little girl will grow up without her father after the fit and healthy 34-year-old passed away while doing something he had practised his whole life.

Afternoon naps may be bad for toddlers' sleep

You could be doing yourself a disservice by encouraging your toddler to have an afternoon nap, according to new research.

Best gifts for newborns, new mums and christenings

We've compiled a guide to some of the most popular presents for newborns and new mums, and for christenings and naming days.

Jaime King to be a mum again

Actress Jaime King is pregnant with her second child, giving 16-month-old James a sibling.

Nannies should receive government funding

The Abbott government should extend funding to nannies, and direct childcare payments to low and middle income families, a landmark study on childcare has found. 

Common skin irritations in newborns (and how to treat them)

As many as one in two newborn babies suffer from skin irritations in their first few weeks. So what are the most common rashes and irritations to look out for?

10 wall decals for the nursery or playroom

Wall decals are the answer to creating a beautiful nursery or children's space without lifting a paint brush, a spirit level or even a hammer.

Preschooler walks 2.4km home alone

Three-year-old Cain Trainor headed off home after his first day at a new preschool without telling anyone.

Video: Why mums get nothing done

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

The middle name game

The middle name is no longer an afterthought, and parents' inspiration comes from many places.

Have a baby or your money back - but there's a catch

A new IVF scheme offers couples the chance to fall pregnant and give birth - or get their money back. But there's more to it than you might think.

A rare glimpse inside the womb

A baby born still inside the amniotic sac gave US doctors a rare glimpse at life inside the womb.

Battered mum forced to write to her attacker ex in jail

Three years ago Jason Hughes viciously attacked his ex-partner. Now she has to write to him three times a year.

Woman pleads not guilty to ultrasound scam

A West Australian woman will fight allegations that she scammed expectant mums by selling them fake ultrasound pictures of babies.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Brain damaged mum receives compensation

A Sydney mother who suffered brain damage when she was hit by a car while pushing her newborn baby in a pram has reached a confidential out-of-court settlement with the driver's insurance company.

Indigenous midwives break down the barriers

A culturally sensitive midwifery service has gained the trust and respect of Aboriginal women.

The Katering Show's next big delivery

Most mums-to-be plan to take things easy and perhaps have a little break from work as the birth of their baby draws near. Not Kate McCartney.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

Why I have mixed feelings about Cindy Crawford's leaked photo

Last week an un-retouched photo of model Cindy Crawford surfaced, showing the 48-year-old mother-of -two posing in underwear.

How to create a Peppa Pig pancake

Thought your toddler could not love pancakes any more than they already do? How about if the breakfast treat came in the shape of every two-year-old's favourite cartoon character?

'It's a little life, not a little loss': pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought I was never going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I decided that I wasn't going to form an emotional attachment with this baby.

Bonds Baby Search 2015: what you need to know

February 18 marks the start of one of the most prolific annual baby competitions in Australia: the Bonds Baby Search. And this year is going to be more special than ever.

Who will manage your Facebook account when you're gone?

This is not something that people like to talk about, but Facebook has announced that it will grant users more control over what happens to their pages after they die.

Struggling mum of four wins $188 million

Mother of four Marie Holmes was financially struggling after quitting her jobs at Walmart and McDonald's in order to care for her children.

Pregnant obese women a 'relatively new problem', coroner hears

A first-time mother whose daughter died hours after her frightening birth insists she was never told of the risks of being obese and pregnant.

'I'm angry as hell': the story behind mum's passionate vaccination plea

She has labelled parents who do not vaccinate their children "misinformed imbeciles" - and for that, she makes no apologies.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

8 different kinds of tantrums

I never thought I’d say this, but for a brief moment last week, Kim Kardashian and I had something in common: both our kids had public tantrums.

Polycystic ovary syndrome: symptoms, treatment and your fertility

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female hormonal condition, affecting roughly one in 12 Australian women.

What's the best position for giving birth?

If doing it on your back is out, what's the best position for labour and birth?

Wife forgives snake catcher husband for car surprise

With Valentine's Day coming up, Nat Gilbert could be forgiven for thinking her husband might be planning a surprise for her.

Kids who meet milestones at their own pace

We usually only hear the success stories: tales of the two-year-old who’s talking, running and completely toilet trained. But other stories need to be told too.

Ruby shines as Bonds Baby

Sarah Kiss has a word of advice for proud mums and dads who are keen to enter their babies in this year's Bonds Baby Search Competition - just have fun.

Why dads should go to sleep school

If your family needs to go to sleep school, go with them. You are part of that family and you are part of the solution.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Win a KitchenAid Mixer

Let's celebrate 300,000 fans on Facebook

To celebrate, and to thank our amazing fans, we?re giving away a KitchenAid Artisan Tilt-Head Stand Mixer.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.