Jump to content

dumb jokes
who's got some?


  • Please log in to reply
66 replies to this topic

#1 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 10:56 PM

these are some of my all time faves:

1.whats the diff between broccoli and snot?a:kids dont eat broccoli!

2: what's yellow, brown and hairy?a:cheese on toast dropped on the carpet.


3:  a guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. when asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, "i'm a turtle, n this is michelle!"

4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif

#2 Lazycow

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:11 PM

One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif roll2.gif

#3 kez71

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:18 PM

whats brown and sticky?
a stick

how do you make a bear cross?
get 2 bears and nail them together

why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

#4 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:26 PM

QUOTE (kez71 @ 20/11/2012, 11:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree? it thought the others were playing a game.

hehe what do you call a man in a pile of leaves?Russell!

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.

#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You're under a vest!   roll2.gif roll2.gif  

I heard it when I was 5 and it's been my favourite joke of all time ever since.

#6 Barefoot

Posted 21 November 2012 - 05:57 AM

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a red elephant? (pause while waiting for them to say red elephant gun)

Hold his nose until he turns blue then shoot him with the blue elephant gun

#7 causeway

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:18 AM

What's red & looks like a bucket?
A red bucket!

Why were the bakers hands brown?
Cause he kneaded a poo.....

The second joke I heard from a very confident 4 year old who came up to our table and introduced himself & told us a joke!

#8 Leggy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:42 AM

What do you call a guy in a deep pool?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no shovel?
Douglas

A little known fact about Jerry Bruckheimer, the action movie director, is that his first love is actually classical music. So when he was sufficiently famous, he called together his leading men and pitched his idea to them: an action movie about the lives of the great composers. To his joy, they all start nodding and speaking up: Bruce Willis says how he's always admired Mozart and if he can play Mozart he's in. Sly Stallone professes a great love for the music of Handel and asks to play him. Steven Segal jumps in and says that he'd be honoured to sign up to play Brahms. They all turn to the last man to speak, Arnold Schwatzenegger, and he just nods curtly and says, "I'll be Bach."

#9 Escapin

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:48 AM

Hahaha, these are terrible. Just my sort of thing original.gif But of course now I can't think of any myself to add to the list sad.gif

#10 noi'mnot

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

Why couldn't Eric ride a bike? Because Eric was a fish.

#11 Tooties

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

What's green and sits in the corner? A naughty frog.

#12 laridae

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

QUOTE (lazycow @ 21/11/2012, 12:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif  roll2.gif


Change that to:
The boy had a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.



What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

#13 Feral_Pooks

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:08 AM

My cousin made a joke.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because he got his socks!

It's still my favourite.

#14 yellowtulips74

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:23 AM

What should you do if you see a space man?
Park your car, man!

What do you call a chocolate covered teddy bear biscuit which wears a leather jacket and rides a Harley Davidson?
A bikkie

What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
Barbie

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt

#15 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/11/2012, 11:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
these are some of my all time faves:


4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif



5. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill ?

Nothing. He didn't recognise them......

and my all time, "make the kids cringe" joke:

There were two snowmen standing in a field. One turned to the other and said" Funny you should say that, I can smell carrots too".

#16 Bobbypoppa

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 AM

The Italian Funeral Dog    


An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store  with her espresso when  she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral  procession approaching the nearby  cemetery. A black hearse was followed by  a second black hearse about 50  feet behind the first one.  

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman  walking a dog on a  leash.

Behind her, a short  distance back, were about 200 women walking single  file.

The woman  couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the  Italian  woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and  this may  be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral  like  this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

''What happened  to him?"

"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed  him."

She inquired further, "But who is in the second  hearse?"

The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was  trying to help my  husband when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence  passed  between the two women.  



"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman  replied, "Get in  line."



#17 Neko NoNo

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:36 AM

some of these jokes are very good and don't belong in this thread

to lower the tone

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartenders says "We don't allow your kind in here"

the mushrooms says, "Oh, but I'm a fun-guy (fungi- get it! happy.gif )

#18 Broxie

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

Three guys walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A baby seal walked into a club. Boom tish.

#19 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

What;s green and has wheels?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.


How do you catch a pink elephant?
You get binoculars, tweezers and a matchbox.  You look at him the wrong way through the binoculars so he's really small, pick him up with the tweezers, and stick him in the matchbox.


How do you catch a grey elephant?  (wait for them to say binoculars, tweezers...)
Well, it'a well known fact that grey elephants can't resist raisins.  So you bake a cupcake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a big double layer cake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a cake as big as a car and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The nest day you bake a cake the size of a house and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.   The next day you bake a cake the size of a football stadium and you DON'T  put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, pulls it apart, stomps around looking for that yummy raisin, bellows, sifts through the crumbs getting more and more frustrated looking for the raisin.  Eventually he gets so frustrated he turns pink.  Then you catch him with tweezers, binoculars and a matchbox.

#20 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:47 AM

A blonde woman is on a plane flying to Melbourne.  She's sick of being squished in ecomomy and sneaks up to business class.  The flight attendant sees her and tells her she will have to go back to her own seat.  The blonde refuses to move.  The flight attendant sends the senior attendant over who tells the blonde she didn't pay for business class and will have to move back to economy.  Again the blonde refuses.  Several other flight attendants attempt to make her move back to her seat but she steadfastly refuses to budge.  Then a passenger steps forward.  "Excuse me, but my wife is blonde and I may be able to help."  The fligh attendants stand back and let the passenger have a go.  He bends over and whispers in her ear.  The blonde jumps up and dashes back to economy.  Stunned, the flight attandants ask the man what he said to make her move.  "I told her that business class doesn't go to Melbourne."

#21 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:07 PM

QUOTE (laridae @ 22/11/2012, 11:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.


A sunburnt nun.

#22 iheartu

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 PM

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love & got married, the ceremony wasn't very good but the reception was excellent!


#23 MummaBirdy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What do you get if you shove disco balls up your nose?
Boogies.

What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?
Warren.

#24 Feralishous

Posted 23 November 2012 - 03:00 AM

what flies in the sky going 'wobble wobble wobble'?
A jellycopter

#25 Gumbette

Posted 23 November 2012 - 01:23 PM

What did the 1st snowman say to the 2nd snowman?

'Can you smell carrots?'




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Finding baby name inspiration in unusual places

Sometimes the greatest baby name ideas come from the most unexpected places, as these EB members show.

The case for inducing at 37 weeks

While we often think of pregnancy as a 40 week affair, experts agree that 37 weeks is actually “full term". So is there an argument for inducing all births at 37 weeks?

Does controlled crying really work?

Controlled-crying techniques may help some babies sleep through the night, but for many exhausted new parents, it's just a recipe for more tears all round.

How I taught my infant to use a toilet

As people become more aware of these benefits, I hope more parents will practice this method, so we can cut down on nappies and improve baby bonding.

'I thought it was impossible': Emily Symons pregnant at 45

Aussie actress Emily Symons has announced she is pregnant with her first baby.

Shallow water blackout kills fit, healthy dad

A little girl will grow up without her father after the fit and healthy 34-year-old passed away while doing something he had practised his whole life.

Afternoon naps may be bad for toddlers' sleep

You could be doing yourself a disservice by encouraging your toddler to have an afternoon nap, according to new research.

Best gifts for newborns, new mums and christenings

We've compiled a guide to some of the most popular presents for newborns and new mums, and for christenings and naming days.

Jaime King to be a mum again

Actress Jaime King is pregnant with her second child, giving 16-month-old James a sibling.

Nannies should receive government funding

The Abbott government should extend funding to nannies, and direct childcare payments to low and middle income families, a landmark study on childcare has found. 

Common skin irritations in newborns (and how to treat them)

As many as one in two newborn babies suffer from skin irritations in their first few weeks. So what are the most common rashes and irritations to look out for?

10 wall decals for the nursery or playroom

Wall decals are the answer to creating a beautiful nursery or children's space without lifting a paint brush, a spirit level or even a hammer.

Preschooler walks 2.4km home alone

Three-year-old Cain Trainor headed off home after his first day at a new preschool without telling anyone.

Video: Why mums get nothing done

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

The middle name game

The middle name is no longer an afterthought, and parents' inspiration comes from many places.

Have a baby or your money back - but there's a catch

A new IVF scheme offers couples the chance to fall pregnant and give birth - or get their money back. But there's more to it than you might think.

A rare glimpse inside the womb

A baby born still inside the amniotic sac gave US doctors a rare glimpse at life inside the womb.

Battered mum forced to write to her attacker ex in jail

Three years ago Jason Hughes viciously attacked his ex-partner. Now she has to write to him three times a year.

Woman pleads not guilty to ultrasound scam

A West Australian woman will fight allegations that she scammed expectant mums by selling them fake ultrasound pictures of babies.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Brain damaged mum receives compensation

A Sydney mother who suffered brain damage when she was hit by a car while pushing her newborn baby in a pram has reached a confidential out-of-court settlement with the driver's insurance company.

Indigenous midwives break down the barriers

A culturally sensitive midwifery service has gained the trust and respect of Aboriginal women.

The Katering Show's next big delivery

Most mums-to-be plan to take things easy and perhaps have a little break from work as the birth of their baby draws near. Not Kate McCartney.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

Why I have mixed feelings about Cindy Crawford's leaked photo

Last week an un-retouched photo of model Cindy Crawford surfaced, showing the 48-year-old mother-of -two posing in underwear.

How to create a Peppa Pig pancake

Thought your toddler could not love pancakes any more than they already do? How about if the breakfast treat came in the shape of every two-year-old's favourite cartoon character?

'It's a little life, not a little loss': pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought I was never going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I decided that I wasn't going to form an emotional attachment with this baby.

Bonds Baby Search 2015: what you need to know

February 18 marks the start of one of the most prolific annual baby competitions in Australia: the Bonds Baby Search. And this year is going to be more special than ever.

Who will manage your Facebook account when you're gone?

This is not something that people like to talk about, but Facebook has announced that it will grant users more control over what happens to their pages after they die.

Struggling mum of four wins $188 million

Mother of four Marie Holmes was financially struggling after quitting her jobs at Walmart and McDonald's in order to care for her children.

Pregnant obese women a 'relatively new problem', coroner hears

A first-time mother whose daughter died hours after her frightening birth insists she was never told of the risks of being obese and pregnant.

'I'm angry as hell': the story behind mum's passionate vaccination plea

She has labelled parents who do not vaccinate their children "misinformed imbeciles" - and for that, she makes no apologies.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

8 different kinds of tantrums

I never thought I’d say this, but for a brief moment last week, Kim Kardashian and I had something in common: both our kids had public tantrums.

Polycystic ovary syndrome: symptoms, treatment and your fertility

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female hormonal condition, affecting roughly one in 12 Australian women.

What's the best position for giving birth?

If doing it on your back is out, what's the best position for labour and birth?

Wife forgives snake catcher husband for car surprise

With Valentine's Day coming up, Nat Gilbert could be forgiven for thinking her husband might be planning a surprise for her.

Kids who meet milestones at their own pace

We usually only hear the success stories: tales of the two-year-old who’s talking, running and completely toilet trained. But other stories need to be told too.

Ruby shines as Bonds Baby

Sarah Kiss has a word of advice for proud mums and dads who are keen to enter their babies in this year's Bonds Baby Search Competition - just have fun.

Why dads should go to sleep school

If your family needs to go to sleep school, go with them. You are part of that family and you are part of the solution.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Win a KitchenAid Mixer

Let's celebrate 300,000 fans on Facebook

To celebrate, and to thank our amazing fans, we?re giving away a KitchenAid Artisan Tilt-Head Stand Mixer.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.