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dumb jokes
who's got some?


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63 replies to this topic

#1 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 10:56 PM

these are some of my all time faves:

1.whats the diff between broccoli and snot?a:kids dont eat broccoli!

2: what's yellow, brown and hairy?a:cheese on toast dropped on the carpet.


3:  a guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. when asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, "i'm a turtle, n this is michelle!"

4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif

#2 Lazycow

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:11 PM

One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif roll2.gif

#3 kez71

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:18 PM

whats brown and sticky?
a stick

how do you make a bear cross?
get 2 bears and nail them together

why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

#4 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:26 PM

QUOTE (kez71 @ 20/11/2012, 11:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree? it thought the others were playing a game.

hehe what do you call a man in a pile of leaves?Russell!

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.

#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You're under a vest!   roll2.gif roll2.gif  

I heard it when I was 5 and it's been my favourite joke of all time ever since.

#6 Barefoot

Posted 21 November 2012 - 05:57 AM

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a red elephant? (pause while waiting for them to say red elephant gun)

Hold his nose until he turns blue then shoot him with the blue elephant gun

#7 causeway

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:18 AM

What's red & looks like a bucket?
A red bucket!

Why were the bakers hands brown?
Cause he kneaded a poo.....

The second joke I heard from a very confident 4 year old who came up to our table and introduced himself & told us a joke!

#8 Leggy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:42 AM

What do you call a guy in a deep pool?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no shovel?
Douglas

A little known fact about Jerry Bruckheimer, the action movie director, is that his first love is actually classical music. So when he was sufficiently famous, he called together his leading men and pitched his idea to them: an action movie about the lives of the great composers. To his joy, they all start nodding and speaking up: Bruce Willis says how he's always admired Mozart and if he can play Mozart he's in. Sly Stallone professes a great love for the music of Handel and asks to play him. Steven Segal jumps in and says that he'd be honoured to sign up to play Brahms. They all turn to the last man to speak, Arnold Schwatzenegger, and he just nods curtly and says, "I'll be Bach."

#9 Escapin

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:48 AM

Hahaha, these are terrible. Just my sort of thing original.gif But of course now I can't think of any myself to add to the list sad.gif

#10 noi'mnot

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

Why couldn't Eric ride a bike? Because Eric was a fish.

#11 Tooties

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

What's green and sits in the corner? A naughty frog.

#12 laridae

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

QUOTE (lazycow @ 21/11/2012, 12:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif  roll2.gif


Change that to:
The boy had a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.



What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

#13 PooksALotLikeXmas

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:08 AM

My cousin made a joke.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because he got his socks!

It's still my favourite.

#14 yellowtulips74

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:23 AM

What should you do if you see a space man?
Park your car, man!

What do you call a chocolate covered teddy bear biscuit which wears a leather jacket and rides a Harley Davidson?
A bikkie

What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
Barbie

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt

#15 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/11/2012, 11:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
these are some of my all time faves:


4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif



5. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill ?

Nothing. He didn't recognise them......

and my all time, "make the kids cringe" joke:

There were two snowmen standing in a field. One turned to the other and said" Funny you should say that, I can smell carrots too".

#16 Bobbypoppa

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 AM

The Italian Funeral Dog    


An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store  with her espresso when  she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral  procession approaching the nearby  cemetery. A black hearse was followed by  a second black hearse about 50  feet behind the first one.  

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman  walking a dog on a  leash.

Behind her, a short  distance back, were about 200 women walking single  file.

The woman  couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the  Italian  woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and  this may  be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral  like  this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

''What happened  to him?"

"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed  him."

She inquired further, "But who is in the second  hearse?"

The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was  trying to help my  husband when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence  passed  between the two women.  



"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman  replied, "Get in  line."



#17 Neko NoNo

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:36 AM

some of these jokes are very good and don't belong in this thread

to lower the tone

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartenders says "We don't allow your kind in here"

the mushrooms says, "Oh, but I'm a fun-guy (fungi- get it! happy.gif )

#18 Broxie

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

Three guys walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A baby seal walked into a club. Boom tish.

#19 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

What;s green and has wheels?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.


How do you catch a pink elephant?
You get binoculars, tweezers and a matchbox.  You look at him the wrong way through the binoculars so he's really small, pick him up with the tweezers, and stick him in the matchbox.


How do you catch a grey elephant?  (wait for them to say binoculars, tweezers...)
Well, it'a well known fact that grey elephants can't resist raisins.  So you bake a cupcake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a big double layer cake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a cake as big as a car and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The nest day you bake a cake the size of a house and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.   The next day you bake a cake the size of a football stadium and you DON'T  put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, pulls it apart, stomps around looking for that yummy raisin, bellows, sifts through the crumbs getting more and more frustrated looking for the raisin.  Eventually he gets so frustrated he turns pink.  Then you catch him with tweezers, binoculars and a matchbox.

#20 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:47 AM

A blonde woman is on a plane flying to Melbourne.  She's sick of being squished in ecomomy and sneaks up to business class.  The flight attendant sees her and tells her she will have to go back to her own seat.  The blonde refuses to move.  The flight attendant sends the senior attendant over who tells the blonde she didn't pay for business class and will have to move back to economy.  Again the blonde refuses.  Several other flight attendants attempt to make her move back to her seat but she steadfastly refuses to budge.  Then a passenger steps forward.  "Excuse me, but my wife is blonde and I may be able to help."  The fligh attendants stand back and let the passenger have a go.  He bends over and whispers in her ear.  The blonde jumps up and dashes back to economy.  Stunned, the flight attandants ask the man what he said to make her move.  "I told her that business class doesn't go to Melbourne."

#21 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:07 PM

QUOTE (laridae @ 22/11/2012, 11:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.


A sunburnt nun.

#22 iheartu

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 PM

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love & got married, the ceremony wasn't very good but the reception was excellent!


#23 MummaBirdy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What do you get if you shove disco balls up your nose?
Boogies.

What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?
Warren.

#24 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 23 November 2012 - 03:00 AM

what flies in the sky going 'wobble wobble wobble'?
A jellycopter

#25 Gumbette

Posted 23 November 2012 - 01:23 PM

What did the 1st snowman say to the 2nd snowman?

'Can you smell carrots?'




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