Jump to content

dumb jokes
who's got some?


  • Please log in to reply
66 replies to this topic

#1 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 10:56 PM

these are some of my all time faves:

1.whats the diff between broccoli and snot?a:kids dont eat broccoli!

2: what's yellow, brown and hairy?a:cheese on toast dropped on the carpet.


3:  a guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. when asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, "i'm a turtle, n this is michelle!"

4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif

#2 Lazycow

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:11 PM

One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif roll2.gif

#3 kez71

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:18 PM

whats brown and sticky?
a stick

how do you make a bear cross?
get 2 bears and nail them together

why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

#4 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:26 PM

QUOTE (kez71 @ 20/11/2012, 11:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree? it thought the others were playing a game.

hehe what do you call a man in a pile of leaves?Russell!

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.

#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You're under a vest!   roll2.gif roll2.gif  

I heard it when I was 5 and it's been my favourite joke of all time ever since.

#6 Barefoot

Posted 21 November 2012 - 05:57 AM

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a red elephant? (pause while waiting for them to say red elephant gun)

Hold his nose until he turns blue then shoot him with the blue elephant gun

#7 causeway

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:18 AM

What's red & looks like a bucket?
A red bucket!

Why were the bakers hands brown?
Cause he kneaded a poo.....

The second joke I heard from a very confident 4 year old who came up to our table and introduced himself & told us a joke!

#8 Leggy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:42 AM

What do you call a guy in a deep pool?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no shovel?
Douglas

A little known fact about Jerry Bruckheimer, the action movie director, is that his first love is actually classical music. So when he was sufficiently famous, he called together his leading men and pitched his idea to them: an action movie about the lives of the great composers. To his joy, they all start nodding and speaking up: Bruce Willis says how he's always admired Mozart and if he can play Mozart he's in. Sly Stallone professes a great love for the music of Handel and asks to play him. Steven Segal jumps in and says that he'd be honoured to sign up to play Brahms. They all turn to the last man to speak, Arnold Schwatzenegger, and he just nods curtly and says, "I'll be Bach."

#9 Escapin

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:48 AM

Hahaha, these are terrible. Just my sort of thing original.gif But of course now I can't think of any myself to add to the list sad.gif

#10 noi'mnot

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

Why couldn't Eric ride a bike? Because Eric was a fish.

#11 Tooties

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

What's green and sits in the corner? A naughty frog.

#12 laridae

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

QUOTE (lazycow @ 21/11/2012, 12:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif  roll2.gif


Change that to:
The boy had a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.



What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

#13 Feral_Pooks

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:08 AM

My cousin made a joke.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because he got his socks!

It's still my favourite.

#14 yellowtulips74

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:23 AM

What should you do if you see a space man?
Park your car, man!

What do you call a chocolate covered teddy bear biscuit which wears a leather jacket and rides a Harley Davidson?
A bikkie

What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
Barbie

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt

#15 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/11/2012, 11:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
these are some of my all time faves:


4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif



5. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill ?

Nothing. He didn't recognise them......

and my all time, "make the kids cringe" joke:

There were two snowmen standing in a field. One turned to the other and said" Funny you should say that, I can smell carrots too".

#16 Bobbypoppa

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 AM

The Italian Funeral Dog    


An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store  with her espresso when  she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral  procession approaching the nearby  cemetery. A black hearse was followed by  a second black hearse about 50  feet behind the first one.  

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman  walking a dog on a  leash.

Behind her, a short  distance back, were about 200 women walking single  file.

The woman  couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the  Italian  woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and  this may  be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral  like  this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

''What happened  to him?"

"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed  him."

She inquired further, "But who is in the second  hearse?"

The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was  trying to help my  husband when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence  passed  between the two women.  



"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman  replied, "Get in  line."



#17 Neko NoNo

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:36 AM

some of these jokes are very good and don't belong in this thread

to lower the tone

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartenders says "We don't allow your kind in here"

the mushrooms says, "Oh, but I'm a fun-guy (fungi- get it! happy.gif )

#18 Broxie

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

Three guys walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A baby seal walked into a club. Boom tish.

#19 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

What;s green and has wheels?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.


How do you catch a pink elephant?
You get binoculars, tweezers and a matchbox.  You look at him the wrong way through the binoculars so he's really small, pick him up with the tweezers, and stick him in the matchbox.


How do you catch a grey elephant?  (wait for them to say binoculars, tweezers...)
Well, it'a well known fact that grey elephants can't resist raisins.  So you bake a cupcake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a big double layer cake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a cake as big as a car and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The nest day you bake a cake the size of a house and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.   The next day you bake a cake the size of a football stadium and you DON'T  put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, pulls it apart, stomps around looking for that yummy raisin, bellows, sifts through the crumbs getting more and more frustrated looking for the raisin.  Eventually he gets so frustrated he turns pink.  Then you catch him with tweezers, binoculars and a matchbox.

#20 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:47 AM

A blonde woman is on a plane flying to Melbourne.  She's sick of being squished in ecomomy and sneaks up to business class.  The flight attendant sees her and tells her she will have to go back to her own seat.  The blonde refuses to move.  The flight attendant sends the senior attendant over who tells the blonde she didn't pay for business class and will have to move back to economy.  Again the blonde refuses.  Several other flight attendants attempt to make her move back to her seat but she steadfastly refuses to budge.  Then a passenger steps forward.  "Excuse me, but my wife is blonde and I may be able to help."  The fligh attendants stand back and let the passenger have a go.  He bends over and whispers in her ear.  The blonde jumps up and dashes back to economy.  Stunned, the flight attandants ask the man what he said to make her move.  "I told her that business class doesn't go to Melbourne."

#21 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:07 PM

QUOTE (laridae @ 22/11/2012, 11:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.


A sunburnt nun.

#22 iheartu

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 PM

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love & got married, the ceremony wasn't very good but the reception was excellent!


#23 MummaBirdy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What do you get if you shove disco balls up your nose?
Boogies.

What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?
Warren.

#24 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 23 November 2012 - 03:00 AM

what flies in the sky going 'wobble wobble wobble'?
A jellycopter

#25 Gumbette

Posted 23 November 2012 - 01:23 PM

What did the 1st snowman say to the 2nd snowman?

'Can you smell carrots?'




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler ticket!

Get your free tickets to the Sydney The Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27! Register online for your free ticket now!

A solo birth, a wasp swarm and a forest fire: mum and baby's amazing story of survival

Desperate, out of petrol and low on food, a new mother lit a fire in the hope of attracting attention.

Boy found on swing died of hypothermia and dehydration, autopsy finds

The story was chilling and heartbreaking: a three-year-old boy was found dead in a Southern Maryland park, his mother pushing him on the swing.

Child's play and laughter help battle fatigue

Feeling fatigued? Uh-huh, thought as much. Join the queue.

Dad shares entertaining 'how to hold a baby' clip

For many new dads, their own child is the first baby they have ever held. So one dad has posted an instructive YouTube video titled "How to Hold a Baby".

The Australian baby with 100,000 Facebook fans

She may be only eight months old, but Egypt has already amassed more than 100,000 fans and received a letter from royalty - Hollywood royalty that is.

Public welcome outside church for Princess Charlotte's christening

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have invited well-wishers to see Princess Charlotte outside church in Sandringham on day of her baptism.

Tongue tie: what you need to know

Tongue and lip tie can lead to many problems for babies - and their parents. Here are the signs of tongue tie and how it's treated.

My daughter is small but that doesn't matter

My daughter may be small, but it's my job as her parent to refocus back where it belongs - on who she is as a person

Wet wipes linked to rise in allergic reactions

The government has issued a health warning after a rise in allergic skin reactions has been linked to a preservative found in some wet wipes.

Gay couple in their 80s first to wed in Dallas after Supreme Court ruling

Love may have won, but it came with quite the wait.

William Tyrrell's family marks birthday with cake and renewed appeal

The family of missing boy William Tyrrell will mark his fourth birthday on Friday making a cake to share with friends and family as NSW police renewed their public appeal for information on his disappearance.

What all parents should know about safe babywearing

A picture of Ryan Reynolds always gets the girls talking, and a recently shared photo has done exactly that - but this time, it's for all the wrong reasons.

Baby's head shape reveals potentially fatal condition

Thinking her baby just had an unusually shaped head, a mother was shocked to discover it was instead linked to a dangerous condition.

'Help - my toddler hits me!'

My toddler has started hitting when he gets frustrated, is feeling ignored, or just thinks it might be fun.

Why IVF success rates may not be what you think

Transparency, accountability and responsibilityare essential measures to protect IVF vulnerable patients.

On the 10th anniversary of my son's death

This day marks a significant day. Today marks 10 years since I lost my son Kai.

Mother-in-law 'from hell' inspires survival guide

The happily ever after Nicola Milan had imagined wasn't to be – and she blames her mother-in-law.

Name your baby Quinoa, win a $10K gift card

Choosing a name for your little bundle of joy is always a major decision. It can be something traditional, trendy, creative … or inspired by the menu of your favourite chain restaurant.

Owning a pair of nail scissors does not make me a hairdresser

It's been a whole year since sleeping in until 10am. A whole year since having a peaceful shower.

The 83 children who were tragically let down in the last decade

Over a 10-year period, 83 children died from domestic violence abuse in NSW, with three quarters of the victims aged five years or under, the NSW Ombudsman has revealed.

Expert Q&A: Gross motor skill development in toddlers and preschoolers

Dr Katie Heathershaw answers questions about jumping, toe walking, riding a bike and being pigeon toed.

WIN A $500 VISA DEBIT CARD

Are you a parent, or are you planning to be? Tell us what you think and you'll go in the draw to win a $500 gift card!

Is it reasonable to expect your partner to give up drinking in pregnancy?

From the moment that I fell pregnant with my son, I realised just how much my life had already started to change.

Stroke victim joins class action against makers of popular contraceptive pill

"I was terrified I would always be this way. The pill needs to come with a much higher warning."

Sexy time

Why you should get excited about scheduling sex

Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth. It just isn't.

When newborn photoshoots get messy

When it comes to newborn photoshoots, it is all about the timing.

Orphaned baby daughter Ayla wakes from coma

Former All Black Jerry Collins' critically injured orphaned daughter has awoken from her coma and is able to bottle-feed.

Dad takes miraculous catch while feeding baby

One American father has taken multitasking to a new level at a Cubs-Dodgers baseball game at Wrigley Field.

'Samuel is our firstborn, and he will never be forgotten'

Having lost their firstborn at one day old, the Carrolls were overjoyed to welcome their daughter Isobel into the world a year later.

Channel 10's Sarah Harris expecting first child

The Studio host Sarah Harris doesn't mind if her first baby is a boy or girl, but she does hope it is born with one thing in particular.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

27 funny ultrasound pictures

Ultrasounds give you a look at your growing baby ... and sometimes what appears to their womb-buddy, or your bub in an amusing position.

The top 6 misleading parenting terms

From 'morning sickness' to 'the terrible twos', there are many parenting terms that are misleading.

When 'good' nannies go bad

While most nannies take pride in their work, there can be some who have a hidden side.

Woman hospitalised for skinny jeans injury

Beware: skinny jeans might be bad for your health.

Gauze seeding: the bacteria-breeding birth trend

A number of women having caesarean deliveries are now taking steps to give their baby a better 'microbiome' start in life.

Jimmy Fallon writes new children's book for dads

Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC's The Tonight Show, recently wrote a children's book about every father's secret wish for their baby's first word to be "dada" - not "mama".

28 names for babies born in winter

Looking for some baby name inspiration for a bub born during the colder months? Here are 28 options from around the world to consider.

The horrible act that sparked a brawl at child's birthday party

The uncle of the seven-year-old girl at the centre of the brawl at child's birthday party in Sydney's west has described the events leading up to the alarming show of violence.

Babies 'benefit from iPads at a young age': study

More often than not, you'll read that screen time for children should be kept to a minimum - but some scientists are now challenging this way of thinking.

Do mums really just obsessively talk about their children?

Natalie Reilly describes three main types of conversations mothers have. And, surprise, they're not all about kids.

Why some dogs might attack babies or young kids

A baby's smell, the noises it makes and even its gaze can contribute to the potential for a dog attack.

Mum demands refund for 'beargina' christening cake

It was meant to be a tasteful cake to help celebrate a three-year-old's christening.

5 things no one warns you about after giving birth

How many times have you been warned about all the sleepless nights you have to 'look forward to' when you become a parent?

Police officer sang nursery rhyme as heartbreaking photo was taken

A police officer arrived at a devastating scene on Thursday: a car crash resulting in all passengers being thrown from the vehicle.

Don't worry, working mums: Just leave Dad in charge at home

Want to open the boardroom doors for women? Encourage - heck, praise - dads who stay home with their children.

Hilaria Baldwin shares post-baby selfie

Just two days after giving birth, actor Alec Balwin's wife posted a post-baby picture on social media.

'Help - my child won't ever do what I ask!'

Compliance is part of the parent-child relationship, but so is resistance. It's all natural.

Postnatal depression support gets $23 million boost in NSW

The Baird government will include $22.8 million in Tuesday's NSW budget to expand a program designed to help parents at risk of postnatal depression (PND).

'I'm just as tired, scared and stressed as you': stay-at-home dad's plea

I'm really lucky to have two great kids, but I found it really tough with so much being aimed at the mothers and not the fathers.

 

Win $500

WIN A $500 VISA DEBIT CARD

Are you are parent or planning to be? We want to know what you think - let us know and you'll be in the draw to win a $500 gift card.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.