Jump to content

dumb jokes
who's got some?


  • Please log in to reply
66 replies to this topic

#1 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 10:56 PM

these are some of my all time faves:

1.whats the diff between broccoli and snot?a:kids dont eat broccoli!

2: what's yellow, brown and hairy?a:cheese on toast dropped on the carpet.


3:  a guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. when asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, "i'm a turtle, n this is michelle!"

4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif

#2 Lazycow

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:11 PM

One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif roll2.gif

#3 kez71

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:18 PM

whats brown and sticky?
a stick

how do you make a bear cross?
get 2 bears and nail them together

why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

#4 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:26 PM

QUOTE (kez71 @ 20/11/2012, 11:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree? it thought the others were playing a game.

hehe what do you call a man in a pile of leaves?Russell!

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.

#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You're under a vest!   roll2.gif roll2.gif  

I heard it when I was 5 and it's been my favourite joke of all time ever since.

#6 Barefoot

Posted 21 November 2012 - 05:57 AM

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a red elephant? (pause while waiting for them to say red elephant gun)

Hold his nose until he turns blue then shoot him with the blue elephant gun

#7 causeway

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:18 AM

What's red & looks like a bucket?
A red bucket!

Why were the bakers hands brown?
Cause he kneaded a poo.....

The second joke I heard from a very confident 4 year old who came up to our table and introduced himself & told us a joke!

#8 Leggy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:42 AM

What do you call a guy in a deep pool?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no shovel?
Douglas

A little known fact about Jerry Bruckheimer, the action movie director, is that his first love is actually classical music. So when he was sufficiently famous, he called together his leading men and pitched his idea to them: an action movie about the lives of the great composers. To his joy, they all start nodding and speaking up: Bruce Willis says how he's always admired Mozart and if he can play Mozart he's in. Sly Stallone professes a great love for the music of Handel and asks to play him. Steven Segal jumps in and says that he'd be honoured to sign up to play Brahms. They all turn to the last man to speak, Arnold Schwatzenegger, and he just nods curtly and says, "I'll be Bach."

#9 Escapin

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:48 AM

Hahaha, these are terrible. Just my sort of thing original.gif But of course now I can't think of any myself to add to the list sad.gif

#10 noi'mnot

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

Why couldn't Eric ride a bike? Because Eric was a fish.

#11 Tooties

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

What's green and sits in the corner? A naughty frog.

#12 laridae

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

QUOTE (lazycow @ 21/11/2012, 12:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif  roll2.gif


Change that to:
The boy had a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.



What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

#13 Feral_Pooks

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:08 AM

My cousin made a joke.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because he got his socks!

It's still my favourite.

#14 yellowtulips74

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:23 AM

What should you do if you see a space man?
Park your car, man!

What do you call a chocolate covered teddy bear biscuit which wears a leather jacket and rides a Harley Davidson?
A bikkie

What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
Barbie

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt

#15 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/11/2012, 11:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
these are some of my all time faves:


4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif



5. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill ?

Nothing. He didn't recognise them......

and my all time, "make the kids cringe" joke:

There were two snowmen standing in a field. One turned to the other and said" Funny you should say that, I can smell carrots too".

#16 Bobbypoppa

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 AM

The Italian Funeral Dog    


An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store  with her espresso when  she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral  procession approaching the nearby  cemetery. A black hearse was followed by  a second black hearse about 50  feet behind the first one.  

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman  walking a dog on a  leash.

Behind her, a short  distance back, were about 200 women walking single  file.

The woman  couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the  Italian  woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and  this may  be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral  like  this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

''What happened  to him?"

"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed  him."

She inquired further, "But who is in the second  hearse?"

The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was  trying to help my  husband when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence  passed  between the two women.  



"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman  replied, "Get in  line."



#17 Neko NoNo

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:36 AM

some of these jokes are very good and don't belong in this thread

to lower the tone

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartenders says "We don't allow your kind in here"

the mushrooms says, "Oh, but I'm a fun-guy (fungi- get it! happy.gif )

#18 Broxie

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

Three guys walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A baby seal walked into a club. Boom tish.

#19 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

What;s green and has wheels?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.


How do you catch a pink elephant?
You get binoculars, tweezers and a matchbox.  You look at him the wrong way through the binoculars so he's really small, pick him up with the tweezers, and stick him in the matchbox.


How do you catch a grey elephant?  (wait for them to say binoculars, tweezers...)
Well, it'a well known fact that grey elephants can't resist raisins.  So you bake a cupcake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a big double layer cake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a cake as big as a car and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The nest day you bake a cake the size of a house and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.   The next day you bake a cake the size of a football stadium and you DON'T  put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, pulls it apart, stomps around looking for that yummy raisin, bellows, sifts through the crumbs getting more and more frustrated looking for the raisin.  Eventually he gets so frustrated he turns pink.  Then you catch him with tweezers, binoculars and a matchbox.

#20 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:47 AM

A blonde woman is on a plane flying to Melbourne.  She's sick of being squished in ecomomy and sneaks up to business class.  The flight attendant sees her and tells her she will have to go back to her own seat.  The blonde refuses to move.  The flight attendant sends the senior attendant over who tells the blonde she didn't pay for business class and will have to move back to economy.  Again the blonde refuses.  Several other flight attendants attempt to make her move back to her seat but she steadfastly refuses to budge.  Then a passenger steps forward.  "Excuse me, but my wife is blonde and I may be able to help."  The fligh attendants stand back and let the passenger have a go.  He bends over and whispers in her ear.  The blonde jumps up and dashes back to economy.  Stunned, the flight attandants ask the man what he said to make her move.  "I told her that business class doesn't go to Melbourne."

#21 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:07 PM

QUOTE (laridae @ 22/11/2012, 11:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.


A sunburnt nun.

#22 iheartu

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 PM

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love & got married, the ceremony wasn't very good but the reception was excellent!


#23 MummaBirdy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What do you get if you shove disco balls up your nose?
Boogies.

What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?
Warren.

#24 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 23 November 2012 - 03:00 AM

what flies in the sky going 'wobble wobble wobble'?
A jellycopter

#25 Gumbette

Posted 23 November 2012 - 01:23 PM

What did the 1st snowman say to the 2nd snowman?

'Can you smell carrots?'




2 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users


    Yahoo (1)
 

Tot meets his heroes, falls apart with excitement

Two-year-old Quincy finished his potty training last week, and as part of his reward he was able to meet his idols.

Beautiful in our eyes: Georgia's story

I will never deny the fact that grief has a place when you give birth to a child who brings a set of circumstances very different to what you imagined. Because for nine months, I thought I knew my Georgie.

'It's been phenomenal': widower dad of quads thankful for support

There was nothing Erica and Carlos wanted more than a baby.

Vin Diesel names daughter after actor Paul Walker

The actor said there was "no other person" he was thinking about when he chose the name.

How midwives can help women who experience domestic violence

More than half of women who live with abusive partners experience violence during pregnancy.

Mum describes giving birth during Cyclone Pam

A new mother was told she must flee Port Vila hospital with her baby as Cyclone Pam bore down.

6 signs you're done having babies

There were a few signs I'm never going back to the land of maternity jeans, breast pumps and bassinets.

Marta Dusseldorp reveals breastfeeding cost her an acting job

Australian actress Marta Dusseldorp has revealed she was forced to withdraw from a Sydney Theatre Company production because a director did not approve of her breast feeding.

Female celebs (or their babies) with traditionally male names

Looking for a name that's a little bit different for a girl? Turn to names that have been traditionally used for males, as these celebs (or their parents) did.

'If you're anti-immunisation ... take a look at this picture of my son'

Greg Hughes is "an absolute shell of a man" as he and his wife Catherine struggle to come to terms with the loss of their newborn son Riley to whooping cough.

How an extrovert can raise an introvert

Introverts are often misunderstood as shy, and sometimes even rude. A timid child can be difficult to build rapport with, but it's important we nurture their sensitive natures.

Sheryl Sandberg's advice

'Choreplay': Help out at home to get more sex, Sandberg tells men

Forget foreplay. The new and improved route to intercourse is "choreplay" - it's good for your spouse, good for your house, and comes with the imprimatur of feminist du jour Sheryl Sandberg.

How to play with your baby

The first time your child learns a new skill at playtime is very exciting - for both you and your baby! Play is important to your child's development for a variety of reasons - here are some simple ideas for you to try at home.

I'm a single mother by choice

For me, being the best mother I can be means being a mum alone, at least for now. Thinking of my friends with inadequate partners, I wonder why more people don’t choose single motherhood.

Awkward wedding photos

Weird poses, surprise photobombs, bizarre editing: these are the wedding photos that should have never seen the light of day.

Four-week-old baby Riley Hughes dies of whooping cough

The mother of a four-week-old Perth baby who died after contracting whooping cough says her family has been left devastated by the loss of her "gorgeous, sweet" son.

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Oh boy! Video shows family's reaction to baby surprise

Little Peyton Williams thought she was getting a baby sister named Charlee. But the two-year-old has had to settle for a doll dressed in pink after her baby "sister" turned out to be a boy.

How to help build up your baby's immune system

We all know that having a strong immune system is the best way to stay healthy – but what can we do to help it along?

'Nick, you need to call an ambulance': home birth mum's tragic death

A Melbourne mum who died after the home birth of her baby pleaded with her husband to call an ambulance because she felt she was going to die, the Victorian Coroners Court has heard.

When dads believe their baby doesn't 'like' them

Q: My two-month-old baby doesn't like me. He's perfectly content with my wife, but when I try to hold him, he gets upset and cries. I've backed off a little, thinking that he just needs a little time to get used to me, but that doesn't seem to be working. I'm starting to think I'm just not a very good dad. Is it too late for me to build a relationship with my baby?

When was the last time a stranger praised your parenting?

Wouldn’t it be great to get some nice feedback every now and then? After all, everyone likes to hear positive praise, particularly when it comes to parenting.

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

15 names on the verge of extinction

If you're looking to revive an older name, or don’t want anything near the top 1000 list, check out these rare monikers for your unique baby.

5 characteristics of great dads

It’s great to see a generation of dads who are more actively involved with caring, nurturing and loving their kids.

Why doesn't Australia have more breast milk banks?

When there’s no question that milk banks are important, why don’t we have more of them in Australia?

Carrie Bickmore announces birth of daughter

Television personality Carrie Bickmore has given birth to her second child.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

The place just for dads of multiples

When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.

Brave mum calls for domestic violence law reform

A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.

Why I had the new test for Down syndrome

Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

2015: the year of the sheep

According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.

Breakthrough genetic testing now available in Australia

Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

Family kicked off flight after toddler seatbelt drama

An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.

Stolen baby found after 17 years

A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.