Jump to content

dumb jokes
who's got some?


  • Please log in to reply
60 replies to this topic

#1 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 10:56 PM

these are some of my all time faves:

1.whats the diff between broccoli and snot?a:kids dont eat broccoli!

2: what's yellow, brown and hairy?a:cheese on toast dropped on the carpet.


3:  a guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. when asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, "i'm a turtle, n this is michelle!"

4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif

#2 Lazycow

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:11 PM

One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif roll2.gif

#3 kez71

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:18 PM

whats brown and sticky?
a stick

how do you make a bear cross?
get 2 bears and nail them together

why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

#4 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:26 PM

QUOTE (kez71 @ 20/11/2012, 11:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was holding onto the first koala

what do you call a man with a spade?
Doug

why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree? it thought the others were playing a game.

hehe what do you call a man in a pile of leaves?Russell!

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.

#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 20 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You're under a vest!   roll2.gif roll2.gif  

I heard it when I was 5 and it's been my favourite joke of all time ever since.

#6 Barefoot

Posted 21 November 2012 - 05:57 AM

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a red elephant? (pause while waiting for them to say red elephant gun)

Hold his nose until he turns blue then shoot him with the blue elephant gun

#7 causeway

Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:18 AM

What's red & looks like a bucket?
A red bucket!

Why were the bakers hands brown?
Cause he kneaded a poo.....

The second joke I heard from a very confident 4 year old who came up to our table and introduced himself & told us a joke!

#8 Leggy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:42 AM

What do you call a guy in a deep pool?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no shovel?
Douglas

A little known fact about Jerry Bruckheimer, the action movie director, is that his first love is actually classical music. So when he was sufficiently famous, he called together his leading men and pitched his idea to them: an action movie about the lives of the great composers. To his joy, they all start nodding and speaking up: Bruce Willis says how he's always admired Mozart and if he can play Mozart he's in. Sly Stallone professes a great love for the music of Handel and asks to play him. Steven Segal jumps in and says that he'd be honoured to sign up to play Brahms. They all turn to the last man to speak, Arnold Schwatzenegger, and he just nods curtly and says, "I'll be Bach."

#9 Escapin

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:48 AM

Hahaha, these are terrible. Just my sort of thing original.gif But of course now I can't think of any myself to add to the list sad.gif

#10 noi'mnot

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

Why couldn't Eric ride a bike? Because Eric was a fish.

#11 Tooties

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

What's green and sits in the corner? A naughty frog.

#12 laridae

Posted 22 November 2012 - 10:53 AM

QUOTE (lazycow @ 21/11/2012, 12:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
One of my kids' favourite.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

The boy had a bath.

roll2.gif  roll2.gif


Change that to:
The boy had a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.



What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

#13 Feral_Pooks

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:08 AM

My cousin made a joke.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because he got his socks!

It's still my favourite.

#14 yellowtulips74

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:23 AM

What should you do if you see a space man?
Park your car, man!

What do you call a chocolate covered teddy bear biscuit which wears a leather jacket and rides a Harley Davidson?
A bikkie

What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
Barbie

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt

#15 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/11/2012, 11:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
these are some of my all time faves:


4:what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "look, here come the elephants over the hill!"

yeeeeeeeees, corny, i know. but i cant help it, they make me laugh. anyone got better ones? biggrin.gif



5. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill ?

Nothing. He didn't recognise them......

and my all time, "make the kids cringe" joke:

There were two snowmen standing in a field. One turned to the other and said" Funny you should say that, I can smell carrots too".

#16 Bobbypoppa

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 AM

The Italian Funeral Dog    


An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store  with her espresso when  she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral  procession approaching the nearby  cemetery. A black hearse was followed by  a second black hearse about 50  feet behind the first one.  

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman  walking a dog on a  leash.

Behind her, a short  distance back, were about 200 women walking single  file.

The woman  couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the  Italian  woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and  this may  be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral  like  this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

''What happened  to him?"

"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed  him."

She inquired further, "But who is in the second  hearse?"

The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was  trying to help my  husband when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence  passed  between the two women.  



"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman  replied, "Get in  line."



#17 Neko NoNo

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:36 AM

some of these jokes are very good and don't belong in this thread

to lower the tone

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartenders says "We don't allow your kind in here"

the mushrooms says, "Oh, but I'm a fun-guy (fungi- get it! happy.gif )

#18 Broxie

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

Three guys walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A baby seal walked into a club. Boom tish.

#19 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:40 AM

What;s green and has wheels?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.


How do you catch a pink elephant?
You get binoculars, tweezers and a matchbox.  You look at him the wrong way through the binoculars so he's really small, pick him up with the tweezers, and stick him in the matchbox.


How do you catch a grey elephant?  (wait for them to say binoculars, tweezers...)
Well, it'a well known fact that grey elephants can't resist raisins.  So you bake a cupcake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a big double layer cake and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The next day you bake a cake as big as a car and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.  The nest day you bake a cake the size of a house and put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, eats the raisin and leaves.   The next day you bake a cake the size of a football stadium and you DON'T  put a raisin in the middle.  Then you call out "Grey elephant!  There's a cake with a raisin in the middle!"  The grey elephant comes rushing down, smashes up the cake, pulls it apart, stomps around looking for that yummy raisin, bellows, sifts through the crumbs getting more and more frustrated looking for the raisin.  Eventually he gets so frustrated he turns pink.  Then you catch him with tweezers, binoculars and a matchbox.

#20 BadCat

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:47 AM

A blonde woman is on a plane flying to Melbourne.  She's sick of being squished in ecomomy and sneaks up to business class.  The flight attendant sees her and tells her she will have to go back to her own seat.  The blonde refuses to move.  The flight attendant sends the senior attendant over who tells the blonde she didn't pay for business class and will have to move back to economy.  Again the blonde refuses.  Several other flight attendants attempt to make her move back to her seat but she steadfastly refuses to budge.  Then a passenger steps forward.  "Excuse me, but my wife is blonde and I may be able to help."  The fligh attendants stand back and let the passenger have a go.  He bends over and whispers in her ear.  The blonde jumps up and dashes back to economy.  Stunned, the flight attandants ask the man what he said to make her move.  "I told her that business class doesn't go to Melbourne."

#21 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:07 PM

QUOTE (laridae @ 22/11/2012, 11:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What's black & white & red all over?
A newspaper.
A sunburnt zebra.
A penguin in a blender.


A sunburnt nun.

#22 iheartu

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:27 PM

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love & got married, the ceremony wasn't very good but the reception was excellent!


#23 MummaBirdy

Posted 22 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

What do you get if you shove disco balls up your nose?
Boogies.

What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?
Warren.

#24 Feralishous

Posted 23 November 2012 - 03:00 AM

what flies in the sky going 'wobble wobble wobble'?
A jellycopter

#25 Gumbette

Posted 23 November 2012 - 01:23 PM

What did the 1st snowman say to the 2nd snowman?

'Can you smell carrots?'




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

'Tired' mum dies of undiagnosed diabetes

New mum Nicky Rigby thought her exhaustion was due to the demands of looking after her baby. But the 26-year-old was seriously ill with diabetes, and died due to her condition not being diagnosed.

20 signs of a great relationship

The secret to a perfect relationship is admitting you are wrong after an argument, five kisses a day and sex twice a week, a new survey suggests.

Video: emotional 60-second Robin Williams tribute

Take a minute to remember some of the greatest films of your childhood ... and have a few tissues close at hand.

The realities of escaping domestic violence

?Why doesn?t she just leave?? is the common question people ask when trying to understand domestic violence. For many, leaving the relationship is far from straightforward.

Home truths: the DIY dos and don'ts

A professional renovator gives advice on which jobs you should do yourself, and which you should outsource.

Parenting lessons I?ve yet to learn

Instead of writing about the stuff I do know since becoming a mum, I thought I'd share some of the things I don't. These are the lessons that motherhood hasn't taught me.

Will I be wrecked 'down there' after birth?

Did you worry about how you would look "down there" after giving birth? This mum-to-be found plenty of women willing to share their knowledge.

The new weekend playgroup for working mums

Playgroups are great for kids and parents alike - but the downside is that they often meet during the week, leaving working mums out of the loop.

Letting your toddler be the boss at bedtime

Sick of spending hours trying to get your toddler to sleep? These experts say giving your child more of a say at bedtime might be the answer.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

Ezra's tragic death not in vain, mum says

Little Ezra was a "Harry Houdini" who loved trying to escape the family home. Now, after his tragic death, his parents are doing what they can to help others.

Consulting 'Dr Google' when you're pregnant

We're all guilty of turning to the internet for a quick answer when we need medical advice, but Dr Google should be approached with caution - especially when you're pregnant.

16 ways to tie a scarf

Scarfs are the perfect winter accessory. Whether you're freezing at soccer training or wanting to add a splash of colour to a monochrome top, the right scarf will sort you out in no time. Just ask Nina Proudman.

Video: When adults act like children

Ever wondered what would happen if adults were allowed to act like children? This dad's hilarious video clip will give you an idea of what life would be like.

The simple way to support other parents

We may be raising children of different ages and sexes, with different personalities, but we, as parents, aren't that different - we all have similar struggles, fears, doubts, responsibilities.

Seeing the big picture when it comes to parenting

Sometimes it feels like hundreds of tiny cracks are spreading across the surface of our lives, creeping slowly into the foundations and threatening to make them crumble. How do we hold it all together?

How to spot a lactaboobiephobia sufferer

Lactation consultant Meg Nagle refused to stay silent when Facebook removed two photos of her breastfeeding. Instead, she coined a term to describe those who don't recognise breastfeeding for the natural and non-sexual act that it is.

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Do you suffer from Precious Firstborn Syndrome?

Testing ?no more tears? shampoo in your own eyes, warming cucumber sticks so they're not cold straight from the fridge, waking a sleeping baby to check they?re still breathing: these are all symptoms of Precious Firstborn Syndrome.

Ezra's tragic death not in vain, mum says

Little Ezra was a "Harry Houdini" who loved trying to escape the family home. Now, after his tragic death, his parents are doing what they can to help others.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

Video: When adults act like children

Ever wondered what would happen if adults were allowed to act like children? This dad's hilarious video clip will give you an idea of what life would be like.

Mums hit hardest as flu cases skyrocket

The number of confirmed cases of influenza in Australia has doubled the number for the same time last year - and women are 25 per cent more likely to get it.

The mum who had four babies in nine months

Feeling exhausted due to the demands of caring for a baby? Imagine the life of this mum, who gave birth to three boys and one girl in just nine months.

Everything baby at Big W

Lowest prices on everything baby, only at Big W. Sale starts August 4 and ends August 20 2014.

Smiggle is painting the town red!

We have 3 Red Smiggle prize packs to give away! Enter by posting a photo of something red to your Instagram.

Mum gives birth at school

Most kids have their own personal brand of oddity. Others, like these 10 weird habits, crop up again and again.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.