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How would you react?
Teenager dating older man

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43 replies to this topic

#1 TwoHeadedGirl

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:27 PM

Without going into too much detail, I am wondering how other people would react if a close female family member (daughter/sister/cousin etc), who is only a teenager (16-17), told you she was dating a much older man (mid-thirties)?
Just need some perspective. Cheers.

#2 Escapin

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:29 PM

I think I'd ask to meet the guy. (While internally plotting the removal of his testicles...)

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:30 PM

I would think it horrible, and I wouldn't be shy about letting it be known either. A. man in his mid-thirties has no business having a romance with a 16-17 year old girl.  sick.gif

#4 Taff

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:31 PM

statutory rape.

How would I feel - I'd make sure he would  never  want to see her again - ( ie he would be beaten to a pulp)

Edited by Taff, 18 November 2012 - 08:36 PM.

#5 idignantlyright

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:31 PM

Talk to her and try and find out exactly what it is about this man that makes her want to go out with him. Sometimes it just runs it's course and doesn't last very long at all.

I know for me it was a mix of him being a father type figure, plus he didn't treat me like a stupid naughty schoolgirl with a baby.

I was 17 and he was 39.

If they are over 16 it is not statutory rape.

Edited by idignantlyright, 18 November 2012 - 08:35 PM.

#6 adl

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:31 PM

Honestly I find it a bit creepy... Any father issues?

.would I say that probably not....good article last week in Sunday papers how women with older men ended up as carers....perhaps the novelty will wear off???

Edited by adl, 18 November 2012 - 08:32 PM.


Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:39 PM

Well my parents openly disapproved of my relationship with DF. I was 17 and he was 24. I certainly wouldn't go about it the way my parents did, it just made me want the relationship more.
I'd probably want to meet him, and get to know him, and hope that with time the relationship will end, if not (like DF and I) then I'd like to think I'd have gotten to know him and can put the age difference aside (give it a few years and no one would blink at the age difference).

#8 noonehere

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:41 PM

At that age i wouls not be happy...

I would meet him and grill.

He has no need to be seeing a child and i would be making a police report.

I was 18 and he was 25.

18 or over i would butt out

Edited by duckasorus, 18 November 2012 - 08:44 PM.

#9 idignantlyright

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:45 PM

QUOTE (duckasorus @ 18/11/2012, 09:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
He has no need to be seeing a child and i would be making a police report.

If she is over 16 there is legally nothing that can be done. Sometimes nothing will even be done if the girl is 14-16.

#10 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:49 PM

There's nothing to be gained by a police report.

#11 TwoHeadedGirl

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:52 PM

Thanks for the replies! Mostly seem to be along the same lines of my thinking but after being branded the "bad guy" for feeling uncomfortable with this relationship I was beginning to wonder if I really was the odd one out!

#12 annasue

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:57 PM

I'd tread very carefully.

I met my ex husband at the ripe old age of 18. He was 44. Everyone said he was too old, it would never last, he'd never marry me.

I wasted 14 years in a relationship, the last 7 of them I was aware I was in the wrong relationship.

But I had something to prove.........................................I was a naive little girl, who thought she knew everything.

By their very nature young people, bar a rare few, all think they know everything.

There is nothing that can be done by family or friends, except maybe hang around and be there when she works out it's not the right relationship.

Edited by annasue, 18 November 2012 - 08:58 PM.

#13 LambChop

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:58 PM

How did she meet him ?  Is he a teacher ?

#14 Taff

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:59 PM

QUOTE (idignantlyright @ 18/11/2012, 09:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If she is over 16 there is legally nothing that can be done. Sometimes nothing will even be done if the girl is 14-16.

it  depends on what state Tas and SA  the age of consent is 17, not 16 , and in qld here you have to be over 18 to have anal sex.

not one law is  Aus wide

Kind regards

Edited by Taff, 18 November 2012 - 09:00 PM.

#15 Born Slippy

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:11 PM

I would imagine most men would be (and should be) uncomfortable dating a school-aged girl. A 16/17 year old and a man in his mid-thirties seem a world apart, in terms of life experience and life stages.

I was 19 and DP was 30 when we met. Despite mutual interests, spark, attraction etc -  he was very hesitant about entering into a relationship with a teenager (even one who was technically an adult).

#16 grand poobah

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:23 PM

For all those leaping to make a police report -- while it's not certainly outside the bounds of possibility that they are having sex, you can't just assume that it's absolutely the case.

But no, I don't think it's a great situation.

Edited to remove pointless waffle.

Edited by The Gentle Kitteh, 18 November 2012 - 09:35 PM.

#17 harryboy

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:34 PM

I was 24 when I started dating my now DH who was 39. as per previous poster, even then, he was very hesitant about the age difference. You would definitely have to be wary of this guy's motives. As others have said, be there for the fall out.

There's some US show on relationship counselling on right now where she is around 19 and he is in his early 50's. He seems so pathetic, threatened and desparate.

#18 Kafkaesque

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:34 PM

I was 17 when I started seeing my kids dad, he was 28. My parents never said anything about it but I imagine they weren't happy.

I can't imagine what my parents could of done, I was working fulltime and while I was living at home when it started I had previously lived out of home. We were past point of them being able to dictate who I saw and what I did.

My relationship with him lasted 12 years.

#19 Tea~for~two

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:43 PM

QUOTE (annasue @ 18/11/2012, 09:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd tread very carefully.

I met my ex husband at the ripe old age of 18. He was 44. Everyone said he was too old, it would never last, he'd never marry me.

I wasted 14 years in a relationship, the last 7 of them I was aware I was in the wrong relationship.

But I had something to prove.........................................I was a naive little girl, who thought she knew everything.

By their very nature young people, bar a rare few, all think they know everything.

There is nothing that can be done by family or friends, except maybe hang around and be there when she works out it's not the right relationship.

This was my experience as well. The more people warned me about him, the more determined I was that I was right. Unfortunately I didn't realise how bad it was until DS was born sad.gif It's a hard one, because honestly, I don't think anyone could have said anything to change my mind. But I would have appreciated a non-judgemental older adult to look out for me, as when things started to go bad, I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it without getting a massive 'I told you so'

#20 *Lib*

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:47 PM

I was 17 and dating a 34 year old...

#21 Fr0g

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:48 PM

I think the age gap pushes the boundaries (laws aside). I'd be uncomfortable with it - it's practically a generation gap!

19 years ago when I was 4 months shy of 18, I started seeing my now-husband, who was 25. My parents might have secretly disapproved, but never expressed it to me. In retrospect, there was nothing they could have said or done as I was too old to be told, lol.

I had matriculated at 16, so I was working and getting ready for uni, anyway. 16/ 17 can be grown up, but I'd just encourage the family member to not get too serious, too early.

#22 Fenrir

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:03 PM

I was 19. He was 48. Come next year we will have been together for 20 years. It can, and does, work for many people.

Meet the guy. Don't let the age be the only thing you judge him on.

#23 aprilrain

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:12 PM

I can remember reading 1960's/70's Mills and Boons that had under 20 women and 30-40 men. All that supposed maturity and status etc.

My own experience 17 &35 - he was harmless, bit shy and a non-event.

21 & 39 - he always liked young 17^, was controlling and violent.  I needed to work it out myself though.

#24 EsmeLennox

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:32 PM

The thing is 19 is an adult, 16 or 17 is not. While a relationship with that sort of age difference can work, i suspect that more do not, despite your assertions BW.

What does he do for a living? In some cases he may be breaking the law by having a relationship with someone under 18.

#25 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:34 PM

Well just how controlling do you think you get to be Debspotatohead?

I had a 36yo boyfriend when I was 17.  He was a bad bad boyfriend.  My 18yo boyfriend was also a bad bad boyfriend.  The 27yo also did not rock the kasbah as a good boyfriend.

Creeper guy in his 30's taking photos of her and putting them on the web?  Ick.  Guy who is utterly controlling no matter what his age?  Ick.

It's not an ideal relationship from the outside looking in and an adult who was able to talk to her levelly without judgment would be a good thing.  It would have helped me.

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