Jump to content

how to offer without offending


  • Please log in to reply
31 replies to this topic

#1 emnut

Posted 17 November 2012 - 03:39 PM

SIL is one of many affected by the changes to the parenting payment.  As a result she is planning on quitting her study that she has one year of a 4 year degree left to do since financially she just can't do it.  DH & I have decided that we would love to see her finish her degree as that would give her & her two children a far better future.  PIL would also like to help her but don't have the funds to whereas we do.

We have decided that we would like to offer to somehow provide enough funds to help her through, maybe by covering some of her rent or utility bills or something for the year.  We are happy to give her the money outright but know that she won't accept that.  So we are essentially looking to loan it to her without any expectation that it will be repaid, but having said that if she wanted it set up in a way where it was to be repaid when she is working we would do that too..  Our only expectation for her would be that she finish the degree.

How would you approach this without causing offence to her or making her feel inadequate as we know she is very upset by the whole scenario?

#2 idignantlyright

Posted 17 November 2012 - 03:57 PM

I would probably just sit down and discuss it straight out. Then tell her if she feels bad about you paying the money, then she can babysit or something when she has the time. Just let her know there are no expectations or anything.

You and your DH are wonderfull people.

#3 Cherish

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:01 AM

If you could afford it can you pay/loan her what she will lose in parenting payment? That way things can continue on for her as they have been. Might be easier for her and you?

What a generous thing for you and your husband to do, heart warming op original.gif

Could you simply sit down with her and say 'dh and I would really love to see you complete your studies. We would like to offer you some assistance by providing xyz. We hope you aren't offended but we think you've worked too hard to just have to give up now.

#4 MrsW87

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:13 AM

I would just say everything you have just said. Tell her you don't want to offend, but are happy to help. Perhaps say your PIL are in on it too, even if they cant afford it as she might be more likely to accept if it is from all of you?

How lovely OP, that's an amazing gesture original.gif

#5 Guest_AllegraM_*

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:19 AM

That is lovely Op.

I would dscuss it frankly and also try to mention examples of where you and your DH may have accepted much-needed help in difficult times.

#6 Lalliana

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:27 AM

What a wonderful thing you are doing, she is so lucky to have such an amazing family. I would sit down and tell her exactly what you have just told us. I don't think she would be at all offended, she has worked hard and you are simply offering to help her finish what she started.

#7 Chelli

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:34 AM

That is such a lovely thing to do original.gif

#8 cantthinkofone

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:48 AM

That sounds like a great thing to do.

I don't know too much about centrelink payments or your sister in laws situation but could she go onto newstart?

#9 Sentient Puddle

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:49 AM

What a lovely thing to do OP - good on you!

#10 LynnyP

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:02 AM

It sounds wonderful of you.  I would be upfront with her.  Maybe you could say you were going to buy her something big when she graduated and now you would prefer to spend the money to enable her to graduate?

Can't she work part time and study part time?  It doesn't have to mean not completing her degree.  I worked full time, studied part time while having children and most of the women I was friendly with at university did the same?  Quite a few were single mothers too?

#11 happening

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:06 AM

This is such a kind and loving thing to do.  A genuine offer made with love and acceptance feels and sounds nothing like pity or 'duty'.  I'm sure your SIL will hear the love in your offer and repay you a thousand times over with the brilliant and happy life she creates for her children and herself with this help.

Bless.

#12 madmother

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:08 AM

What a lovely thing for you to do! Many people could afford this, not many would offer.



#13 dorkalicious

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:35 AM

Just be straight up- it is a truly lovely offer.

#14 Guest_zeus359_*

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:56 AM

Perhaps, if you have kids, you could ask her to babysit on occasion to "repay" the debt. It's a lovely gesture, but it may make her feel indebted to you, and some people do not like this.

#15 DS1979

Posted 18 November 2012 - 11:04 AM

Wow, you and your husband sound like wonderful people. original.gif

Maybe just tell her that you have some extra savings that you would love for her to loan to see out the end of her study as you feel like she has worked so hard and it would just be such a shame to stop now when the end of the tunnel is so close. Or would she be more likely to accept money from your PIL rather than you? If that is the case then maybe let them make the offer with your money instead?

I know if someone offered this to me I would be reluctant to take them up on it as I hate owing people BUT if it was an offer from my parents they would possibly be the two people I would accept it from.

I hope she accepts the offer, to work so hard with your sudy only to have to give it up at the final hurdle would just be heartbreaking.



#16 emnut

Posted 18 November 2012 - 02:59 PM

QUOTE (cantthinkofone @ 18/11/2012, 10:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That sounds like a great thing to do.

I don't know too much about centrelink payments or your sister in laws situation but could she go onto newstart?


she will go to Austudy instead but it means that she would only have $400/fortnight after paying for rent to pay literally everything else.  Essentially what we want to do is cover the extra each fortnight that she will no longer be getting.

QUOTE (LynnyP @ 18/11/2012, 11:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Can't she work part time and study part time?  It doesn't have to mean not completing her degree.  I worked full time, studied part time while having children and most of the women I was friendly with at university did the same?  Quite a few were single mothers too?


In her case, there are medical reasons as one thing that prevents this, but also that her degree next year requires almost 6 months of full time placement.  She has no childcare options for working out of usual business hours (she lives too far away from us for us to be able to help by looking after her kids for her if she could have somehow coped with the study/work (which is doubtful anyway).

QUOTE (zeus359 @ 18/11/2012, 11:56 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Perhaps, if you have kids, you could ask her to babysit on occasion to "repay" the debt. It's a lovely gesture, but it may make her feel indebted to you, and some people do not like this.


This is a good idea thanks given that is one of our concerns with offering if - that she will feel indebted even though we don't want her to.

We are having dinner with her tonight so will probably talk it over with her tonight.  The suggestion of using PIL's won't work as she knows they are struggling to cope on the Aged Pension atm so she would never accept anything from them.

#17 Nicole-Bris

Posted 18 November 2012 - 05:13 PM

Can we please have an update after you've discussed it.  Would love to hear what happened.

#18 mitty82

Posted 18 November 2012 - 05:23 PM

I would discretly visit and find her bills....an old paid telstra account, and ergon account....and perhaps pay a lump sum of them and go and get a woolies gift card with a lump sum amount on it for groceries. This is where she will need it most.

I have a lovely sister who has offered to help pay our deposit for our house. She knows how hard we worked to save for it. We didnt accept however were very greatful if we did need it that the offer was there.

Take her out for lunch and tell her how proud you are of her study and her family and you know she is thinking about quitting and with only a year out of finishing that you would love if you could help her achieve that goal. and then make your offer.
You are so selfless!!!

#19 Sabine75

Posted 18 November 2012 - 06:44 PM

Tell her it is for her children's  future along with all the rest

#20 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:34 PM

Tell her she can pay you back if your teenagers turn into hormonal monsters they can go visit their aunt wink.gif

I think you are doing a lovely thing in offering OP. Hopefully she takes you up on it original.gif

#21 Feral_Pooks

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:42 PM

She can repay you by giving your niece/nephews the advantages in their upbringing that her education and employment will bring them. She can repay you by working really ****ing hard on her final year.

Bless you, OP.

#22 ~BumbleBeeeee~

Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:52 PM

whatever happens, I think that's such a lovely thing to do original.gif

#23 emnut

Posted 19 November 2012 - 05:52 PM

QUOTE (PussyDids @ 18/11/2012, 09:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell her she can pay you back if your teenagers turn into hormonal monsters they can go visit their aunt wink.gif



If only I thought of that before talking to her last night (though I have boys - they are somewhat easier than girls aren't they as I think back to how horrid I was).

We started with an outright refusal & ended the night with her thinking about it.  She has applied for a job which she thinks she would probably take if she is offered it (we are hoping not since we can't see her being happy doing it) but otherwise we have told her the offer is unconditional other than continuing her study and is on the table until uni returns next year, or if she decides to continue study but finds it too hard financially.  I think she understands our reasoning for the offer - DH's family is very close & really we just want to see her continue to be happy as she has been working towards her goal.

#24 Therese

Posted 19 November 2012 - 06:59 PM

What a lovely offer OP. Even if she doesn't accept you have done a lovely thing.

#25 katrina24

Posted 19 November 2012 - 07:05 PM

You are doing a great thing OP. I hope you SIL realises what a special offer this is and is able to accept the help. I agree with the others that you can leave it open to discuss ways of her paying it back (I like the babysitting one and the idea that she will be a positive role model for her children and yours as well by finishing her study).




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

WIN a $500 Visa debit card

Are you a parent? Simply take our survey for your chance to win a $500 pre-paid VISA debit card.

Dads' smoking before conception increases asthma risk

Fathers who smoke are more likely to have children with asthma even if they quit the habit before their baby is conceived, according to new research.

#birthjusthappened: the photos changing the way we see labour

There's no doubt that post-birth photos can have a powerful effect on women. But are they enough to change the way pregnant women feel about their own impending labours?

Tips for roadtripping with a baby

Techniques that served me well as a baby-free traveller have been rendered useles - but here’s how you can make this season’s road trips smoother than your newborn’s skin.

Gluten and nut-free lunchboxes made easy

Traditionally, packed lunches are packed with gluten (think breads, wraps and biscuits). One mum has created a gluten and nut-free solution.

Is this the new royal baby's name?

This traditional girl's name is the favourite among punters in Britain.

6 creative ways to save childhood memories

For some parents, recording facts like their child’s first word, first tooth and first steps isn’t enough. They’re taking memory collections to the next level.

Breastfeeding mum escorted off plane

Virgin Australia has come under fire after a breastfeeding mum and her 10-month-old son were escorted off a flight.

If toddlers gave performance reviews

Hello there, Mummy. I've been looking forward to this meeting for a while now. Overall, I'd like to say that you've been a great addition to the team so far. You've really been working your tail off. So, kudos to you.

A sweet proposal video worth watching

'The Special Proposal' tells the story of Salvatore asking his girlfriend Caterina a big question.

Why is it taboo for women to breastfeed each other's babies?

Why is the idea of nursing someone else's baby so socially unacceptable?

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Genetic 'miracle baby' born after trailblazing IVF

A new method that screens embryos for more than 200 disorders is already making dreams come true.

Mum-of-three's bikini body inspiration

Rachel Hollis wanted to share a photo of herself in a bikini to encourage other mums to be proud of their bodies.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Adopting a child in or out of Australia is far from simple

Australians have wildly different experiences on their journeys to adopting children.

Breastfeeding doesn't make you a better mum - feeding your baby does

Given my immense dislike of Hopkins and her opinions, I was genuinely shocked to discover that last week she actually said something that I agreed with.

'Toni, another baby has died': the anguish of watching governments fail our babies

It has been six years since whooping cough claimed the life of four-week-old Dana McCaffery. Her parents are angry that lessons learnt weren't enough to save other babies.

Longer breastfeeding linked to higher IQ

A study of 3500 infants has found that babies who are breastfed grow up to be more intelligent and wealthy.

The 2015 flu vaccine: what's new, who should get it

For certain members of the community, catching flu can lead to severe illness or death. A vaccination can be lifesaving.

Dealing with a nappy escape artist

I hear about the tots that have a penchant for ripping their nappies off and the odd one that even smears the brown stuff on the walls and fine home furnishings, and I shudder.

Hospital apologises for 'traumatising' baby mix-up

St Vincent's Hospital has apologised "unreservedly" for a baby mix-up that left one new mum traumatised.

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Tips for flying with a baby

Travelling with kids requires a whole other set of skills - ones that I have learned through (sometimes unfortunate) trial and error.

How to stay calm in an emergency

I’m not expecting you to be as calm as you might be right now. What I mean is that if your panic levels are through the roof during a stressful situation, let’s bring them down to just under the ceiling.

Toddler gets 'drunk' after cranberry juice mix-up

A toddler was taken to hospital after a waitress served her sangria instead of cranberry juice at a US restaurant.

We need to stop using this word when we talk about childbirth

Is it shaming to point out that women are often being let down in birth?

The certificate helping parents deal with pregnancy loss

For some people, this certificate will offer a sense of validation that their child was acknowledged as being here and now gone, and will help them with life post-loss.

The phenomenon of phantom pregnancy kicks

'Phantom pregnancy kicks’ are encountered by many mums months - or even years - after their pregnancy is over.

The health insurance advice you can't afford to ignore

There's one simple switch that could save you hundreds of dollars a year in private health insurance.

4D scans show how smoking affects babies still in the womb

The harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy on unborn babies may be seen in tiny movements in their faces using 4D ultrasound scans, research has found.

The most dangerous toddler food trends

Pete Evans' paleo cookbook for kids caused a storm, but there are plenty of other unsafe food trends for babies and toddlers.

Infection killed new mum of twins

Modern medicine could not save 19-year-old Sophie Burgess who died 48 hours after giving birth to twins in the UK.

How to babyproof your job interview

Once upon a time, I was a fan of job interviews. That all changed after I'd switched careers, had a baby and decided to spend the first year at home with her.

Grieving families give warnings after toddler deaths

Two Queensland families are grieving the loss of their toddler sons after the boys drowned in separate incidents last week.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.