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Losing my 4th baby
*update..good news today.


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#1 ihope82

Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:52 AM

Just started bleeding today after positive blood test but low hcg .... my Third IVF miscarriage...after losing my beautiful girl at birth to anencephaly....how much more do I have to go through?? I'm so angry...at no one and everyone  unsure.gif
I'm hurting so much.... I have only just stopped wailing...dh took DS into the backyard so he couldn't hear me...that hurts too...I feel like a freakshow. sad.gif
The physical pain is getting worse by the minute.,,and my head is pounding like hell. mad.gif
I wish someone or something could just knock me out...I don't want to feel anything, I don't want to see anyone, do anything, be anything. I don't want to get out of bed but I don't want to lay here awake..
It's not fair  sad.gif

Update: Now ( Sunday) the cramping has stopped, I just feel uncomfortable - and nauseous. There's been no more bleeding...could it possibly mean they're wrong? Another blood test to check HCG level...but not willing to get my hopes up. Hate just waiting, it's torture..

Edited by ihope82, 23 November 2012 - 01:21 PM.


#2 jai*

Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:56 AM

I'm so sorry.
Do you have anyone to talk to IRL to help you get through this tough time?

#3 Eirinn

Posted 17 November 2012 - 10:00 AM

Oh my darling that is awful, I am so sorry. You are not a freakshow, your grief and pain are normal reactions, and the fact that you are still thinking of your son in the midst of all of it shows what a wonderful mother you are.

It's not fair - at all - but you are not a freak and you are not alone. There are unfortunately plenty of women who know that bad, devastating things happen to good people.

Thinking of you  bbighug.gif

#4 beaglebaby

Posted 17 November 2012 - 10:08 AM

I'm so sorry.  Let your husband take DS out for a while and give yourself time.  Your feelings and emotions are totally understandable.  If you aren't coping though please call the counsellor from your clinic.  hugs.

#5 *Lib*

Posted 17 November 2012 - 10:21 AM

I am sure that you are not a freakshow. You are human, and your reaction is perfectly human. I am sorry you have to be doing this sad.gif Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through it.

#6 Riotproof

Posted 17 November 2012 - 10:28 AM

ihope, I'm so sorry.

#7 kiwi-girl

Posted 17 November 2012 - 10:50 AM

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I remember after my MC that I just wanted to shut down and hide away from everything. Do whatever you need to do to get through.

#8 librablonde

Posted 17 November 2012 - 11:16 AM

What a terrible, ghastly time. Your feelings are completely understandable, I don't know how I'd cope with all that.  I'm so very sorry, OP  sad.gif

#9 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 17 November 2012 - 11:23 AM

Oh ihope82 sad.gif I am so, so sorry for your loss and your pain.

#10 Glittery Fairy

Posted 17 November 2012 - 12:03 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss op. Please be gentle on yourself.

#11 flyingfree

Posted 18 November 2012 - 09:58 AM

Ihope, I am so sorry you are going through the heartache of another loss.

I wish I could say something to take your pain away, just take it minute by minute and do what you need to do to get through each day at the moment.

Thinking of you xxxx

#12 Swarley

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:04 AM

So very sorry for your loss OP.
Thinking of you ♥

#13 ihope82

Posted 18 November 2012 - 04:32 PM

No more bleeding...was only spotting yday & symptoms are so confusing.. Feel sooooo nauseous & tired. Don't know what to think now. Part of my brain wants the nurse to be wrong...she said on fri given my history I shouldn't get my hopes up for HCG to rise tomorrow....but then I can't let myself hope. Hate this tortuous waiting around...

#14 flyingfree

Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:20 PM

It sounds like their is still hope, wishing you the best of luck with rising resul,ts tomorrow.
Please let us know how you go

#15 Soontobegran

Posted 19 November 2012 - 12:39 PM

QUOTE (ihope82 @ 18/11/2012, 05:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No more bleeding...was only spotting yday & symptoms are so confusing.. Feel sooooo nauseous & tired. Don't know what to think now. Part of my brain wants the nurse to be wrong...she said on fri given my history I shouldn't get my hopes up for HCG to rise tomorrow....but then I can't let myself hope. Hate this tortuous waiting around...


I have everything I can cross crossed for you ihope82.
Very best of luck for a positive rise in HCG.

#16 Ireckon

Posted 19 November 2012 - 12:45 PM

Just popping in to see if you have had any news from the latest bloods.... I am hoping for good news for you. Kee safe in there little one.

#17 nasty roses

Posted 19 November 2012 - 12:55 PM

Another one hoping for good news.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. It is terribly unfair.

Be gentle on yourself; you are not a freak show, you are experiencing very deep pain and fear and you need to give yourself the time and the space to handle it the way you need to.

Edited to remove sig. Sorry - I thought I had but had ticked the wrong box.

Edited by roses99, 19 November 2012 - 12:57 PM.


#18 Mose

Posted 19 November 2012 - 01:30 PM

Another one who still has fingers crossed.  Hope your phonecall comes soon.

This whole journey is horribly unfair.  But one thing is for sure - you are not a freak show.  When I got my "inconclusive" result, I went straight back to "staring at the wall and crying"...which is what I did every month for years before DS was conceived.  I thought I was in a psychologically better place, but this journey really takes it out of you.

Don't at all recommend my method of "getting over it" either - DS gave me gastro and I was too horribly sick for 3 days to even think about it!

Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel - feelings are never wrong, even if there are some judgey mcjudgey's around who like to tell you how you "should" feel, and when you "should" get over things.  They are what is technically known as "nuff nuffs" and if you know any, this week is probably a good week to avoid them.

#19 ihope82

Posted 19 November 2012 - 06:46 PM

Thanks everybody....it's so nice to have some support. My blood test today showed HCG at 178, from 36 on Friday. Progesterone is still low too, only 26 I think. So it's not all rosy but doesn't seem as doom and gloom as Friday..
Having said that though, the nurse was quite pessimistic & said it could still go either way...which I get - but when I asked if its poss due to late implant she said " oh I guess you can think that if you like" which I think was rude...and my FS STILL hasn't called...
Anyway...thanks for reading & ur support...will keep u updated xo

#20 Soontobegran

Posted 19 November 2012 - 06:51 PM

Still have everything crossed for you x

#21 Jjbeanz

Posted 19 November 2012 - 06:54 PM

Stay positive and I'm crossing everything for you too

#22 katrina24

Posted 19 November 2012 - 07:01 PM

Another one waiting with fingers and toes crossed hoping you get some good news soon.

#23 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 19 November 2012 - 08:09 PM

Am praying everything works out ihope.

#24 josh2003

Posted 20 November 2012 - 12:44 PM

Are you on any progesterone support? I had a low hcg count and persistently low progesterone when I was pregnant (IVF also) and it appears that the regular pessaries and crinone just aren't enough for me. I had to have Gestone injections and estrogen tablets to get my progesterone to a suitable level.

I also had bleeding early on (I too thought I had lost the baby), and I also had a massive bleed at about 8 weeks due to a sub-chorionic hematoma.

I know a lot of FS don't believe in supplementing pregnancies with progesterone, but if my FS didn't get me onto those injections, then my son wouldn't be here today.

Good luck... I hope things turn out well for you.

#25 ihope82

Posted 20 November 2012 - 05:02 PM

Thanks...

Josh2003 I've never heard of those injections...if things aren't looking up by Friday I might ask, thank you for sharing ur story, gives me some hope.

Finally spoke to my FS today & I have progesterone pessaries to start tonight ...another BT on Fri to check levels again and have a scan booked in early Dec. he said we really won't know much til the scan.

When I asked about low levels perhaps being due to late implant he said no, it usually indicates there's something wrong with the embryo and that it will not be a viable pg...however he also said that he's surprised I didn't lose the baby over the weekend. He said levels are more about the genetics of the embryo than the timing of implant....so now of course DH and I thinking...though I haven't said it out loud yet, that this little bub might be carrying the same genetic makeup as its big sister who we found out at 20 wks had anencephaly... Just to add more tension to it all..  sad.gif

The wait is excruciating...but then I'm thankful for each hour that goes by and I'm still pregnant.

Thanks for reading...it's so nice to know I'm not alone..xx

Edited by ihope82, 20 November 2012 - 08:59 PM.



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