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Do you make grandparents/carers stick to rules?
When breaking habits


23 replies to this topic

#1 minidiamond

Posted 16 November 2012 - 01:23 PM

Im in the process of trying to get DS to sleep without being in our arms - he's 14 weeks.  Having mixed success but my rule is putting him in bassinet awake BT drowsy /calm, but not letting him cry for more than 3 minutes if he starts to fuss.

So when he is minded occasionally by nanas, would you give them strict instructions ? Last week I returned to pick him up from MIL and he was asleep on her chest, this week he's with my mum and I didn't want to out her through the hassle of explaining the "rules" - best to just have him asleep while I'm out.

Is this occasional deviation from trying to break the habit likely to set me back ?

Edited by Liltuss, 16 November 2012 - 01:24 PM.


#2 Bottom

Posted 16 November 2012 - 01:41 PM

14 weeks! Why on earth would you be doing that at 14 weeks? How lovely for him to get to do what normal 14 weeks olds do and fall asleep on someones chest.

#3 Jekaho

Posted 16 November 2012 - 01:47 PM

In a broader sense, yes I like consistency, so my parents, inlaws and my sister all know our routines etc (and changes as he grew) when they look after our son.
I don't think at 14 weeks that the occasional falling asleep wherever/whenever will do damage... I guess I'd just make sure they are on a similar page to you though regarding CIO or whatever.

#4 BabeBlossom

Posted 16 November 2012 - 01:48 PM

Yes our rules with putting DD to sleep are to stay with her until she is asleep and no leaving her to cry, she's 22 months.
At 14 weeks old the rules weren't much different except for an emphasis on getting her to sleep however it happens.
I wouldn't be imposing rules on grandparents, it's not their job to sleep train your baby.

#5 becstar101

Posted 16 November 2012 - 01:55 PM

I rarely left mine for more than an hour or two at that age, but a little older I gave people a rough idea of what we did just to make things easier. Eg feeds at xyz, usually has x mL of ebm, up for approx 1.5 hours altogether. This was to make it easier for those looking after the baby. If they decided to get baby to sleep in arms or pram as it was easier, I wouldn't mind. If you're only doing it once every few days, I don't think it would harm any routine you were trying to get into.

#6 sarahec

Posted 16 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

I think that's a nice way for him to fall asleep while with grandparents!
Generally I think sticking with the rules is good, consistency etc, but some rules you need to be flexible with. Chose your battles.

#7 mandala

Posted 16 November 2012 - 02:00 PM

Babies are pretty good at working out how to fall asleep for different people. However, I've found that people are often pretty keen to try to do things they way you want them to, so why not try asking for what you want?

I also don't think there is anything wrong with trying to let your DS fall asleep in his cot/bassinet rather than in your arms.

#8 nen-c

Posted 16 November 2012 - 02:01 PM

I tend to tell them what I do and/or what works and let them do whatever is easiest. I can imagine that a "nap on nanna" would be nice for both of them, and probably isn't going to undermine your "sleep training" so I wouldn't worry about it if that what she chooses to do. Better that than what my MIL likes to do - which is to keep tiny babies awake playing with them until they are a total overstimulated/overtired horror show!!!!

#9 PrincessPeach

Posted 16 November 2012 - 02:04 PM

From the other side of the equation as the babysitter - it's increadibly handy to have instructyions, but also the words - just do whatever you have to so they sleep!

I know for my nephew when he was with us the only way he would sleep for us was if we put him in the pram & took him for a very long walk - he was just too excited to sleep otherwise. Being a bit older now he is more excited to nap in the big bed!

#10 hm6

Posted 16 November 2012 - 02:06 PM

Generally all being well they will  pick up on what you do with your child and mostly do similar - after all they don't want a crying unsettled baby anymore than you. But what I expect of a GP or aunt maybe is slightly more relaxed then what I would expect off a professional carer who I am  paying. At 14 weeks I didnt really have big rules and if they feel asleep in arms or on chest (mine included ) I didn't worry too much. Never wanted them to sort problems out - that was mine & my DH's job (eg I didn't want them left crying was my only thing) - if baby was asleep and hadn't cried or got upset then I was happy.

#11 CallMeFeral

Posted 16 November 2012 - 02:11 PM

When I'm trying to get something established (eg. toilet training), then yes I think sticking to rules are important. It also depends how frequent the deviations will be, like 1 in 4 is quite a lot, 1 in 10 not so much.
Once something is well established, I'm not so strict, unless there's signs of relapse showing.

#12 Ice Queen

Posted 16 November 2012 - 02:18 PM

QUOTE (mbfw @ 16/11/2012, 12:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
14 weeks! Why on earth would you be doing that at 14 weeks? How lovely for him to get to do what normal 14 weeks olds do and fall asleep on someones chest.


Not a very helpful response when you answer the OP's question with judgements.

OP, no I wouldnt worry.  You could mention it but most grandma's probably wouldnt to let baby cry at all so might be scared to try.  Also you get to cuddle your bub all the time, she can only do it once a week so let her enjoy this special time.  My MIL has always held both my babies while they slept when they were tiny.  She needed her 'fix' and would never have put them in the cot!

BTW both my babies settled in the cot on their own at this age.  'cudding' them to sleep isnt compulsory.  Do whatever works for you  biggrin.gif .

#13 minidiamond

Posted 16 November 2012 - 03:48 PM

QUOTE (mbfw @ 16/11/2012, 02:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
14 weeks! Why on earth would you be doing that at 14 weeks? How lovely for him to get to do what normal 14 weeks olds do and fall asleep on someones chest.

Because that's what I've chosen to do.  
When do babies start forming habits/sleep habits ?
When will I need to transition him from his bassinet to cot because he's grown out of it ?
When am I going back to work ?

Happy for you to answer all those questions for me but in the meantime ...

Judge away ....

#14 minidiamond

Posted 16 November 2012 - 03:56 PM

QUOTE (Ehill @ 16/11/2012, 03:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Also you get to cuddle your bub all the time, she can only do it once a week so let her enjoy this special time.  My MIL has always held both my babies while they slept when they were tiny.  She needed her 'fix' and would never have put them in the cot!

Yes, MIL looked so happy when I got there with him asleep !! :-)

#15 Bottom

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:03 PM

Yes, I guess I am being judgmental. Just over a lot of the topics I have been reading where it is all about what the mother wants and not what the baby needs. Obviously baby still needs to be cuddled to sleep or baby would not scream for three minutes when left alone. 14 week old baby expected to be a mature, independent adult and fall asleep alone. Ridiculous. Let babies be babies. Enjoy the cuddles and opportunity to nurture- so many people long for such an opportunity. Motherhood is for loving and caring, not controlling.

#16 JoMarch

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:12 PM

QUOTE (mbfw @ 16/11/2012, 01:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
14 weeks! Why on earth would you be doing that at 14 weeks? How lovely for him to get to do what normal 14 weeks olds do and fall asleep on someones chest.


Really NOT helpful.

OP, I think it depends on how often the person is looking after baby.  Is it occassional as in once a month or more regular, say a couple times a week?  I think if its occassional, its fine for whoevers babysitting to just do what they need to do, but if its regular babysitting, then consistency is important.

I've seen my sister go through just aweful sleep troubles with her 2 kids, leaving her sleep deprived for years, so I think what you're doing is good, trying to get into good habits from an early age.  But I don't think you need to be super strict if its a once off.  Thats my opinion anyway.

#17 Mum2TwoDSs

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:16 PM

QUOTE (**Lucy** @ 16/11/2012, 05:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Really NOT helpful.

OP, I think it depends on how often the person is looking after baby.  Is it occassional as in once a month or more regular, say a couple times a week?  I think if its occassional, its fine for whoevers babysitting to just do what they need to do, but if its regular babysitting, then consistency is important.

I've seen my sister go through just aweful sleep troubles with her 2 kids, leaving her sleep deprived for years, so I think what you're doing is good, trying to get into good habits from an early age.  But I don't think you need to be super strict if its a once off.  Thats my opinion anyway.


Totally my thoughts too! original.gif

#18 PigNewton

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:16 PM

I didn't make rules with DS, but mainly because my parents had a similar approach to me with babies and small children

#19 minidiamond

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:22 PM

QUOTE (mbfw @ 16/11/2012, 05:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yes, I guess I am being judgmental. Just over a lot of the topics I have been reading where it is all about what the mother wants and not what the baby needs. Obviously baby still needs to be cuddled to sleep or baby would not scream for three minutes when left alone. 14 week old baby expected to be a mature, independent adult and fall asleep alone. Ridiculous. Let babies be babies. Enjoy the cuddles and opportunity to nurture- so many people long for such an opportunity. Motherhood is for loving and caring, not controlling.

I don't really need to justify myself here and I would never label a complete stranger (ie 'controlling') without knowing more about their specific situation, and about their mothering overall.  However, a couple of things:-

DS has actually never cried for 3 minutes.  I said I would not let him cry (this includes grizzling, moaning etc) for MORE than 3 minutes or so, generally I can tell if he's going to get too upset after a minute or so.  He has never 'screamed' when I put him down awake because I wouldn't never let him get to the point of screaming.

Bubs is never left alone.  I put him down awake, I stay and talk to him, sing him his little song, pat him, rock his bassinet.  If he doesn't start to fall asleep quickly, I pick him up & cuddle him again.

And as for longing for such an opportunity, I am over 40, had 9 IVF transfers & two miscarriages before finally welcoming our son into the world.  So yes, I longed pretty hard to love & nuture my son - which I do.  But I would never claim to be more 'deserving' than the next person, nor would I judge someone else's choices.

#20 minidiamond

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:26 PM

QUOTE (**Lucy** @ 16/11/2012, 05:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Really NOT helpful.

OP, I think it depends on how often the person is looking after baby.  Is it occassional as in once a month or more regular, say a couple times a week?  I think if its occassional, its fine for whoevers babysitting to just do what they need to do, but if its regular babysitting, then consistency is important.

I've seen my sister go through just aweful sleep troubles with her 2 kids, leaving her sleep deprived for years, so I think what you're doing is good, trying to get into good habits from an early age.  But I don't think you need to be super strict if its a once off.  Thats my opinion anyway.

Yes it's maybe once a week or maybe every 10 days or so & it's usually only one or two sleeps max in that day.  Both DH & I love to have him fall asleep on us, (esp DH) and we haven't 'banned' that altogether by any means, but it's just not something I'd do every nap time.

#21 minidiamond

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:28 PM

Thanks everyone for all of your input !!  biggrin.gif
As it happens, DS is fast asleep on his snoring grandma right now so I guess I bent the 'rules' a bit happy.gif  !

#22 Wahwah

Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:38 PM

QUOTE (mbfw @ 16/11/2012, 05:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yes, I guess I am being judgmental. Just over a lot of the topics I have been reading where it is all about what the mother wants and not what the baby needs. Obviously baby still needs to be cuddled to sleep or baby would not scream for three minutes when left alone. 14 week old baby expected to be a mature, independent adult and fall asleep alone. Ridiculous. Let babies be babies. Enjoy the cuddles and opportunity to nurture- so many people long for such an opportunity. Motherhood is for loving and caring, not controlling.

What a silly comment. Doesn't help the conversation at all. I guess I'm expecting my 5yo to be a mature independent adult then because I expect her to fall asleep alone.

For the OP. I think consistency helps but I cut the grandparents a little slack. Nannies I have always asked that they follow my preferences because that's why I've hired them.

#23 FreeRangeMum

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:10 PM

Nah. If they are willing to give up their time to babysit, and my kids are happy, then they can pretty much do what they like original.gif

#24 Mum2TwoDSs

Posted 17 November 2012 - 04:40 AM

QUOTE (Liltuss @ 16/11/2012, 05:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't really need to justify myself here and I would never label a complete stranger (ie 'controlling') without knowing more about their specific situation, and about their mothering overall.

And as for longing for such an opportunity, I am over 40, had 9 IVF transfers & two miscarriages before finally welcoming our son into the world.  So yes, I longed pretty hard to love & nuture my son - which I do.  But I would never claim to be more 'deserving' than the next person, nor would I judge someone else's choices.


Good on you Liltuss!!!:)

Edited by Mum2TwoDSs, 17 November 2012 - 04:41 AM.




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