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Stealing their thunder
Announcing a pregnancy before BIL's wedding


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#1 Betty_D

Posted 16 November 2012 - 10:54 AM

DH and I are planning number two and have decided to start TTC next month. We're keen on a 2-3 yr gap between kids.


If all goes well (and trust me, I'm well aware that it often doesn't) I will be 14 weeks pregnant at my BIL's wedding. Given it's my second pregnancy, I'm sure I'll pop a lot sooner, so I doubt that I'd be able to keep it under wraps by that point.

I didn't foresee any issues with this, until my MIL came over yesterday and, in the context of another discussion about someone else, made the following comment:

"I hate it when people steal other people's thunder. It would be like you and DH getting pregnant before or after BIL's wedding. You just don't do that!"

I think I went a little pale, because that's exactly what we're planning on doing. I never thought of it in that way. Their wedding is a wonderful, family celebration and I would hate to think that anyone, particularly the bride and groom, would think of us as stealing the focus away from them.

So, my questions are:

Am I being selfish?

If yes, how long should we wait so we're not "stealing the limelight"?

Or, is this just hogwash and we should conceive when WE want to? unsure.gif

#2 Mpjp is feral

Posted 16 November 2012 - 10:58 AM

OMG how utterly ridiculous. I've never heard anyone say anything like that. Plus, being your second, and only 14 weeks (good planning by the way) you may find there is not as much fuss anyway! I assumee you are not going to get up and make some huge announcement at the wedding? I'd ignore her...

#3 Lyn29

Posted 16 November 2012 - 10:59 AM

QUOTE (Betty_D @ 16/11/2012, 11:54 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Or, is this just hogwash and we should conceive when WE want to? unsure.gif

This. Some people overthink it. There's no need to synchronise everyones' lives!

#4 bakesgirls

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:00 AM

You're not being selfish. Your MIL on the other hand sounds like a twit.

I personally would take issue with someone else telling me and my DH when it would be OK to fall pregnant. It happens when it happens. It doesn't happen to anyone else schedule, and I wouldn't hold off just to fit into somebody else idea of when it would be a good time for us to concieve. The decision doesn't involve them.

So yes, your MIL's idea is hogwash. Good luck original.gif

#5 His Boy Elroy

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:01 AM

What a load of cr@p.

Giving birth at the wedding however would be stealing their thunder.



#6 Propaganda

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:02 AM

I think you'd only be being rude and stealing the thunder if you announced it at their wedding.

#7 MintyBiscuit

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:02 AM

Just TTC when it works for you. I think unless you plan on giving a wedding speech that is all about your pregnancy, it's just a non issue wink.gif

When I got pregnant with DS, it turned out that I would be 12 weeks the weekend of my sister's wedding. I was a bit worried about stealing her thunder, particularly as we've had some issues in the past around weddings and family stuff, but it was all good. We ended up telling close family at about 10 weeks once we'd seen a heartbeat and just got them to stay quiet until 12 weeks. I got lots of congratulations at the wedding, but it certainly wasn't a matter of stealing her thunder - in fact she mentioned it to a few of her friends at the wedding because she was excited about becoming an aunty!

If it were me I'd just try to tell your BIL as early as you're comfortable, and maybe other family who will be involved with the wedding.

Good luck with your TTC journey original.gif

Edited by HollyOllyOxenfree, 16 November 2012 - 11:02 AM.


#8 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:03 AM

I think you and your MIL need to go to Control Freaks Anonymous - you are both getting waaaaaaaaaaay ahead of yourselves here.

#9 missy78

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:03 AM

Uh, that is ridiculous. I would also assume you aren't planning on making a huge announcement at the wedding.

#10 Velouria

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:03 AM

I feel sad that this is something you even have to worry about! Whilst her comment is ludicrous I can understand you mulling over it. Please don't let it affect your plans - maybe do the old 'why would you say something like that?' line next time she cracks out another helpful remark.

#11 darcswan

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:03 AM

QUOTE (Betty_D @ 16/11/2012, 10:54 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DH and I are planning number two and have decided to start TTC next month. We're keen on a 2-3 yr gap between kids.


If all goes well (and trust me, I'm well aware that it often doesn't) I will be 14 weeks pregnant at my BIL's wedding. Given it's my second pregnancy, I'm sure I'll pop a lot sooner, so I doubt that I'd be able to keep it under wraps by that point.

I didn't foresee any issues with this, until my MIL came over yesterday and, in the context of another discussion about someone else, made the following comment:

"I hate it when people steal other people's thunder. It would be like you and DH getting pregnant before or after BIL's wedding. You just don't do that!"

I think I went a little pale, because that's exactly what we're planning on doing. I never thought of it in that way. Their wedding is a wonderful, family celebration and I would hate to think that anyone, particularly the bride and groom, would think of us as stealing the focus away from them.

So, my questions are:

Am I being selfish?

If yes, how long should we wait so we're not "stealing the limelight"?

Or, is this just hogwash and we should conceive when WE want to? unsure.gif



I don't think anyone should be deterred from living life because someone is getting married.  

Just don't plan to announce your pregnancy at the wedding and you'll be fine.

#12 Apageintime

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:04 AM

QUOTE (Propaganda @ 16/11/2012, 12:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you'd only be being rude and stealing the thunder if you announced it at their wedding.


This. Wear a loose dress, and hold off announcing until after if you really think it'll cause trouble. If you dress right it shouldn't be too obvious. people might suspect but at that stage it could just be weight gain so I doubt anyone will actually ask.

#13 lozoodle

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:06 AM

The only idiot in this scearnio is your MIL.

Just see what happens original.gif

No one is that interested in subsequent pregnancies anyway lol (dont mean that in a bad way, just that i don't think its really going to steal anyone's thunder in terms of the wedding).

Edited by lozoodle, 16 November 2012 - 11:07 AM.


#14 julz78

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:07 AM

That is just plain stupid you can't be expected to put yoru life on hold just because someone in your family is getting married. What a load of rubbish. If you do happen to conceive around the same time he gets married then yes it would probably be good manners to let them have their moment in the sun and hold off making any announcements until a short while after the wedding.

#15 I'm Batman

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:12 AM

Its your life, your life is about you. Get pregnant whenever you want, if your body allows. Pregnancy, conception is such a marvellous miracle when you get down to it, I find it hard to believe someone would think you need to pace the milestones and life events around in the family so people dont get jealous.    

MIL is a twit.

#16 Three Of Hearts

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:12 AM

QUOTE (His Boy Elroy @ 16/11/2012, 12:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What a load of cr@p.

Giving birth at the wedding however would be stealing their thunder.


tthumbs.gif

#17 Gruffalo's Child

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:13 AM

That is just madness OP, you would be crazy to wait if this timing suits you best.     A wedding is such a big event, that your pregnancy is not going to steal their thunder, especially on the actual day, which will still all be about them.   There is no way I would be taking anyone's wedding into consideration when planning when to expand my family.

FWIW, I fell pregnant with my third just as my SILs were both due to have their 1st babies, and didn't want to steal their thunder, so just kept quiet as they enjoyed showing off their babies to everyone.    I was able to keep it a secret for 20 weeks, mainly because I still looked pregnant after DS, who was born 2 years beforehand, but also because everyone was so preoccupied by their own lives with the new babies coming along that they were too busy to notice my tummy expanding slightly.      

Perhaps you could wait until a couple of weeks after their wedding to announce the pregnancy if you feel that saying anything beforehand will make things tense, and just wear clothes that don't reveal your bump (particularly at the wedding!).     Personally, I don't think you should need to go to that amount of effort, especially as I don't think announcing a pregnancy should have any impact on their wedding, but I know that in some families anything that can be done to keep the peace is worth it.

#18 DaddysGurl

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:14 AM

OMG.. this is RIDICULOUS!!!
Of course you are not being selfish..

You can't put your life on hold cuz of something like that.. and if they are family.. they would be happy for you..not petty about you stealing "someone's thunder"...

I say.. plan it according to what works for you and DH..

Good Luck xx original.gif

#19 Betty_D

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:14 AM

Thanks for the sanity check, everyone. I thought her POV was a little strange.

If all goes well, we definitely won't be making any announcements at the wedding itself.  

And trust me, I'm well aware that the TTC journey can be a little unpredictable!

#20 Ianthe

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:14 AM

What a load of bollocks. I was pregnant at two of my brother's weddings. Of course I totes only did this to steal the thunder from them.

#21 la di dah

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:19 AM

I think waterbirthing at the reception would be gauche.

Really I wouldn't announce it at the wedding, choosing either a few weeks before or at least some other occasion after. Beyond that I would not stress it. You are not doing it to showboat.

#22 FeralZombieMum

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:22 AM

Oh yes, I totally agree with your MIL and she has a very logic and valid point.

How dare you have more children whilst a family member has a wedding!!! Don't you know that should take centre stage for the next 5 years!

Now, presuming the new couple want to start a family straight away, you also don't want to steal their thunder when they have their first child, so you should do the right thing and postpone from having kids for another 10+ years.

Actually, how selfish of you to even have a child now! You must put current child up for adoption asap, you don't want to have guests at the wedding taking some focus off the bride and groom and ask about your little one, I am sure your MIL will be most upset at you for stealing their thunder on the day!

If you don't own a home at the moment and are planning on doing so in the near future, make sure you also postpone that. Same goes for job promotions!!!

Now getting back to planning your family, it just occurred to me that:
Each child should be spaced at least 10 years apart - that way when these kids are grown up, they have a window of 10 years to be the only one doing these things - it will make it so much easier when you think about it.

Oh...come to think of it..maybe space the first generation of kids 20 year apart - that then allows the next generation to have their kids 10 years apart, this will ensure the 3rd generation then have a big enough gap - 4th generations won't matter as they will be distant relatives.
That is assuming of course that you're all only planning on 2 kids per family.


As you seem so clueless in all this, you must consult your MIL asap about your sex life.
Ask her when would be a good time to have your next child, because you had planned to have your kids about 2-3 years apart like so many other people (oh, maybe it's your BIL stealing YOUR thunder???? Perhaps pose that Q to your MIL?)

Ask your wonderful MIL if it would be wrong for you to be expecting when SIL's also expecting? What about when their child has their first birthday? Would you be stealing their thunder to be pregnant then?


Oh dear...it's just way too complicated. I think you should forget about having any more kids. It's just so wrong of you to be wanting to "steal" someone else's thunder like this! Can't believe you were even considering it! How rude!

#23 gemgirl

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:26 AM

I like how she said 'before or after' - that means you can never get pregnant! Ignore her.

#24 Relish*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:27 AM

QUOTE (Betty_D @ 16/11/2012, 08:54 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
"I hate it when people steal other people's thunder. It would be like you and DH getting pregnant before or after BIL's wedding. You just don't do that!"

So when is it okay for you to get pregnant if not before OR after the wedding?! wink.gif I think it's ridiculous. You can plan a wedding but you can't plan the exact time you'll get pregnant. Good luck TTC!

#25 gemgirl

Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:27 AM

That said, someone brought framed ultrasound pictures to our wedding!




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