Jump to content

Have you changed your parenting styles?


  • Please log in to reply
37 replies to this topic

#1 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:01 PM

I was thinking today about how much my DS has grown and what a journey it has been. I found myself reflecting on parenting styles and how much they can change.

For example, to begin with I was very narrow in my thinking and believed there was one optimum way to parent, which for me was attachment style parenting.

Now TBH I still love the ideologies around attachment parenting BUT I believe there are also other ways to do things, and at the end of the day as long as your child is loved and cared for then that is the main thing, and there are many ways to achieve this.

I would defiantly say I'm far less judgemental now with a toddler than when I was trying to be perfect first time Mum. I also find I care a lot less about the politics of parenting.

The main parenting style that changed for me, *puts on flame suit* was that I ended up doing sleep training with my DS at 16 months. I always said I wouldn't, in fact I was outwardly against it, but in the end the sleep deprivation and importance of my studies took over. Not to mention the strain it was having on the whole family.

So have you found yourself parenting in a completely different way than you expected, maybe from pregnancy or later down the track?

Look forward to hearing your replies original.gif


#2 PurpleWitch

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:05 PM

Oh hell yes.

And the more children I have, the more I change.

Some things I just don't bend on though, my ideals are the same but you learn to pick your battles.

That's why I LOL when people say "When I have kids, they;ll never do xyz"

Yeah. Right.

#3 BadCat

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:07 PM

Well I had a few ideas before they were born but essentially no, I haven't really changed styles along the way.  I started out laid back and I stayed that way.

I could never be bothered with the perfect way to parent.  I just make it up as I go along.

Edited by BadCat, 15 November 2012 - 07:08 PM.


#4 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:14 PM

I agree, there are some fundamental things that haven't changed for me and other things that I used to care about, that I no longer give a one toss about.

So often now I'm seeing different debates or judgements on pro this and pro that pages on FB (parenting related) and I just roll my eyes and how militant people can be about how other peoples kids should be raised. It also scares me a bit to think at one point a small part of my brain was wired to that kind of conversation.

Seems like the more you parent the more empathy and open-minded you become (or can become).

#5 raven74

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:17 PM

I just do what works for me and sits within my beliefs.  I'm a pretty chilly parent.

#6 LookMumNoHands

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:20 PM

I think my parenting style is constantly changing, depending on what stage the kids are going through. The one thing that I've said throughout their lives, is that I won't back down, and I won't give in. Other than that, I'm pretty flexible.

#7 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:24 PM

QUOTE (LookMumNoHands @ 15/11/2012, 08:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think my parenting style is constantly changing, depending on what stage the kids are going through. The one thing that I've said throughout their lives, is that I won't back down, and I won't give in. Other than that, I'm pretty flexible.


I think they are good qualities to have original.gif My personal mantra with my DS is 'Gentle but firm'.

#8 Duck-o-lah

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:25 PM

QUOTE
Seems like the more you parent the more empathy and open-minded you become (or can become).
I believe this is true in most cases however I do know parents of multiple children who believe their way is THE only way and insist on proclaiming that they raised x children this way therefore it HAS to be the right and only way rolleyes.gif

I was very regimented with DS when he was a newborn. I had no idea about kids and followed instruction from MACH nurses without question. Not helpful when given conflicting advice at times sad.gif When I look back on how I was killing myself trying to get things right with DS it makes me sad. I will definitely be taking the newborn stage with #2 more in my stride.



#9 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:31 PM

QUOTE (duck-o-lah @ 15/11/2012, 08:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I believe this is true in most cases however I do know parents of multiple children who believe their way is THE only way and insist on proclaiming that they raised x children this way therefore it HAS to be the right and only way rolleyes.gif

I was very regimented with DS when he was a newborn. I had no idea about kids and followed instruction from MACH nurses without question. Not helpful when given conflicting advice at times sad.gif When I look back on how I was killing myself trying to get things right with DS it makes me sad. I will definitely be taking the newborn stage with #2 more in my stride.


I feel exactly the same about the idea of a second baby. At least second time round you know what you're in for and you know that even after 4 hours of crying, you will live and the world will not cease to exist.

#10 FiFo

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:34 PM

I have definitely changed my view of parenting from when I was pregnant. I was one of those "I'll never do..." type people and would dismiss others who told me that would change... but since DD has come along guess what...she does use a dummy and she does leave the house with snot on her nose and the world hasn't ended. LOL

Parenting is all about learning as you go!

#11 PurpleWitch

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:34 PM

I said I wouldn't back down too. Until he hit the teens.

Someone has to thrown down their weapon first though.

#12 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:38 PM

Purplewitch that made me giggle.

Yep I said he wont have a dummy, at 18 months he still has a dummy!

#13 Ice Queen

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:55 PM

My basic fundamentals have not changed but I have somewhat 'softened' and I am so much less judgemental of others with their own kids.  I would never judge the parent of a toddler in the midst of a toddler public meltdown!  

OP, prekids I was the opposite of the attachment mother and thought I would be routine, let them cry etc etc.  As it turned out I was much softer, much more flexible, happy to follow my own instincts not a book, breastfed on demand (I never ever thought I would!) amoungst other things.  Although I did do sleep training without a second thought!

I am a chilled mum.  Which I always hoped I would be and am thankful I am.

#14 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:07 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 15/11/2012, 08:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
But what if you know you're wrong?  I think I bigger lesson can be learnt in teaching your kids that it's ok to admit you are wrong.

Back to the OP, I did change for a short while.  When my second was born and I didn't have the patience or time for an attachment style of parenting.  I needed 'quick fixes' (ie sending to room) But if felt wrong and was not successful at all.  I forgot all my previous readings and experience and kept trying to be stricter instead of going back to how I've always parented.  Anyway I finally had a 'light bulb' moment and went back.  At least I am true to my ideals even if I don't have well behaved angels.


Madame Catty, I have seen your post and I would say we probably share similar idea's about some things. In fact you commented on one of my sleep issue threads a while back when I was struggling with DS.

I think it can be about balance, I still love my babywearing, still using cloth nappies, really enjoy reading different gentle parenting authors but at the same time have intervened with DS sleep in a way that wouldn't be viewed as 'AP'.

But I guess now I don't mind, I can still see great value in my old way of thinking but am more open and flexible perhaps?  I think in the beginning, being so lost in Motherhood there was a sense of identity in carrying a strong ideology about certain parenting aspects.


#15 Lady Excentrique

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:15 PM

I was going to be a stay at home mum.

Can't finish this degree soon enough to get the hell out of the daily grind!

#16 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:19 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 15/11/2012, 09:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
See I think you can sleep train and be AP.  I know some hard-core AP mums don't believe you can, but sometimes it's best for baby and family.  Plus you can 'gentle' sleep train.


Indeed, it's still about using your instincts. At the end of the day, and in my case the lack of sleep was more detrimental to my relationship and feelings towards my son than 3 days of sleep training.

I look back at the hell that was and can't think of one good reason why I wish I didn't do it. After 18 months of struggle to a kid who sleeps 7-7 every night and sometime sleeps in later I feel human. Resentment vanished and a lot more fun and positive playtime.

#17 mysonsmum

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:21 PM

Yep & my son is 9 months. When he was born I was just doing what I needed to do to get through the day, my midwife said the first month (at least) is survival mode & u just do what ever is easiest for u & it worked well for us. When my son seemed hungry I feed him, he cluster fed for 3 hours most afternoon, when he was tired I wrapped him & put him down, by the end of most feds he had fallen asleep so I put him in bed & it was an easy & beautiful time. Then every human I came into contact with that had kids or knew someone who had kids started to tell me that letting him fall asleep while feeding is the worst thing u can do, it will create terrible sleeping habits that I can't break, same with the cluster feeding I should stop letting him snack all afternoon because he will do it forever instead I should feed him for 10 mins because that's all he needs then just let him cry. Buy 3 months started to buy into this & decided I should do as I was told & put him into a routine, not let him fall asleep on me anymore ect (feeding times shortened on their own) so I got my son into a routine & he was fine with it (he's fairly easy going) but I hated it. I never felt relaxed I was too busy worrying about what he should be doing, so I decided to just do what I wanted & follow his lead & if I created bad habits I would worry about it then. So I went back to letting him fall asleep on me when he wanted to, he fed whenever he wanted & he slept when he wanted & he continued to sleep through the night & at 9 months he still sleeps through the night. I just needed to do what worked for us & not worry about what might happen, just deal with what is happening. Next time I might have a 'routine" because #2 might have different needs. I'll just follow my babies lead & relax & enjoy (I HOPE) biggrin.gif

#18 bambiigrrl

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:24 PM

QUOTE (Mung bean @ 15/11/2012, 07:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was thinking today about how much my DS has grown and what a journey it has been. I found myself reflecting on parenting styles and how much they can change.

For example, to begin with I was very narrow in my thinking and believed there was one optimum way to parent, which for me was attachment style parenting.

Now TBH I still love the ideologies around attachment parenting BUT I believe there are also other ways to do things, and at the end of the day as long as your child is loved and cared for then that is the main thing, and there are many ways to achieve this.

I would defiantly say I'm far less judgemental now with a toddler than when I was trying to be perfect first time Mum. I also find I care a lot less about the politics of parenting.

The main parenting style that changed for me, *puts on flame suit* was that I ended up doing sleep training with my DS at 16 months. I always said I wouldn't, in fact I was outwardly against it, but in the end the sleep deprivation and importance of my studies took over. Not to mention the strain it was having on the whole family.

So have you found yourself parenting in a completely different way than you expected, maybe from pregnancy or later down the track?

Look forward to hearing your replies original.gif


i was just talking about this the other day, i totally agree 100%...now i roll my eyes at all the first time mums with new borns and remember i was like that once lol

#19 belindarama

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:25 PM

I think my ideas about parenting have changed a lot. Some of the fundamentals have remained the same but I have become more interested in more child led parenting, for want of a better term. I have relaxed a bit.

I don't back down either but by that I mean if I say no, it means no and if you have a consequence it will be followed through.

Equally I don't like letting my kids down, if I say we will do something we do it. I hate it when people tell kids something to get their cooperation or to save themselves the bother of saying no but don't follow through and disappoint them. There is one person in their lives who does this and it drives me crazy. DH and I don't let it happen anymore but it did go on for a while.

I think your kids have to be able to take you at your word.

Other than that lots of things have evolved in ways that sometimes surprise me.

#20 PurpleWitch

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:39 PM

Good point Madame Catty,

When I'm wrong, I admit I'm wrong.

I think it's good for my kids to learn that I'm human and I eff up.



#21 Duck-o-lah

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:48 PM

QUOTE
I feel exactly the same about the idea of a second baby. At least second time round you know what you're in for and you know that even after 4 hours of crying, you will live and the world will not cease to exist.
True. Except I will be writing these sentiments down before #2 arrives, so during those desperately sleepless nights I can read back on my own convictions and try to believe that the world will not cease to exist! laughing2.gif

#22 Feral_Pooks

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:50 PM

My new parenting style is to get to know my son as much as possible and work with him instead of against him.

I have learned that I need to let go of what might be 'generally' best and focus on what is best for us.

It's the only tip I will ever give a new mum without her asking wink.gif

#23 bambiigrrl

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:52 PM

i think there is just alot of stuff that first time parents get told they should do which is seemingly so incredibly important at the time (dummy/no dummy, sleep training, breastfeeding etc etc the list goes on) but what you discover as you go along is that these things arnt really important at all in the grand scheme of things and they all still manage to grow up eventually just the same weather they breastfed till they were 4 or coslept till they were 10 ate only organic etc etc or not.

the important things i havnt changed my mind about at all - i am honest with my kids about everything and make sure we have a totally open relationship, i dont tell them white lies or sugur coat stuff because i dont want them to decide one day they cant trust me or be open and honest with me in return. and that totally works for me, but may not for other mind you..


i dont take crap and my kids know how far they can push the boundries, but in saying that im a pretty laidback mum, i dont put a million rules on my kids i just let them run wild in the backyard or whatever..i just make sure if they do something they know they shouldnt have done then its off to the bedroom for a time out! gotta love super nanny lol

i definatly do some things i would have frowned upon pre children...like letting people smoke around them (dh smokes), i sometimes still swear around them, i let them go outside without a hat on sometimes..some days im having an off day and wont bother giving them a bath lol but i do still make sure they dont eat too much junk and i never give them softdrink, i still breastfed them till they were one, and i make sure they play nice together, share and respect each other and dh and i.

and its working really well for us...our kids are well behaved the majority of the time, they are happy, sociable and relaxed, confident little kids...so we must be doing something right!

#24 kay11

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:57 PM

QUOTE (Excentrique @ 15/11/2012, 09:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was going to be a stay at home mum.

Can't finish this degree soon enough to get the hell out of the daily grind!


HAHAHAHA - me too ph34r.gif

Attachment parenting and breastfeeding - both out the window within three weeks!

In the end I did whatever minimised the crying and maximised the sleeping and the smiles (from baby and from myself).

It was the only way to stay sane. And yes it was different again for number two.

#25 Cath42

Posted 15 November 2012 - 09:07 PM

Before my first child was born, I was adamant that my children weren't going to eat junk food or watch TV. Now I have four kids. At least once per week I can be heard to say something like, "Eat your chips and do not MOVE from that television set while I do this phone conference". Yes, my parenting style changed over time. I was anal with my first child, and am so easy-going with my fourth child that I can't believe the two kids have the same mother.

What else have I learned? It IS possible to go without a single unbroken night's sleep for over 11 years and not completely lose your mind. It IS possible to anticipate an unbroken night's sleep in the near future with the same fervour with which many people await the Second Coming. That motherhood involves light and darkness, and it's important for the sake of new mothers to acknowledge both. And that when you look at the kids in your child's class at school, it's impossible to identify who was breast fed and who was bottle fed; who wore cloth nappies and who wore disposables; who slept with their parents for years and who slept in their own room from day 1; and who lives with two married parents, who lives with a sole parent, who lives with their grandparents and who lives with two parents of the same gender. The things that seem to matter so much when kids are little stop mattering as time goes by. Really, all that matters is that kids are loved and wanted, and equipped with a moral compass they can use to navigate their way through the vicissitudes of life.






1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

The day my daughter almost drowned

We had six adults standing there, so I felt like I could relax a bit. After all, what could go wrong with so much supervision?

Sydney siege survivor names baby after victim Katrina Dawson

A Sydney barrister who survived the Lindt cafe siege has named her newborn daughter after her best friend who died in the tragedy.

Banishing bloat

How to avoid a bloated tummy

Here are some foods to eat in order to escape feeling ghastly and gassy.

The great new picture book for anxious kids

My son is a worrier by nature. I learnt long ago that it was completely pointless to say to him "Don't worry about it!".

Budget stripped more than $15b from families

The combined impact of the two budgets for low and middle income people was "devastating", new analysis by the Australian Council of Social Service shows.

Pregnant women urged to get flu shots

As the winter chill starts to arrive, NSW Health is urging pregnant women to get their flu shots.

65-year-old gives birth to quadruplets

A 65-year-old German woman, who already has 13 children, has given birth to quadruplets.

What you need to know about pregnancy and health insurance

It's not just waiting periods that couples need to consider - there are other factors to consider when thinking about health insurance.

Yummy mummy

Nicole Trunfio breastfeeds baby on Elle magazine cover

Australian model Nicole Trunfio has taken the concept of multitasking to a fashionable new level for Elle Australia.

Warnings after baby girl died while sleeping in bouncer

Parents have been warned about the dangers of letting babies sleep in bouncers and swings following the death of a three-month-old girl.

Coping with fatigue as a parent

Sleep deprivation is a real hazard of caring for a baby. But there are ways to manage the challenges of fatigue better.

A very 21st century issue: parents, parks and smart phones

It's not all the parents, and it's not all the time, but there is often at least one doing it. And sometimes, that 'one' is me.

Appliances

Faulty washing machines linked to house fires

More than 80,000 faulty Samsung washing machines pose a fire threat in homes throughout Australia despite a nationwide recall of the machines.

'I had a lotus birth and I loved it'

Lotus birthing is not all that common, but for a number of women it feels like the most natural thing to do.

7 things you might not know about postnatal depression

Despite its widespread nature, there is still a great amount of mystery surrounding PND - and it's important to try unravelling as much of that as we can.

Is your family's car part of the world's biggest safety recall?

More than 50 million vehicles recalled for potentially lethal airbag fault - is your car affected?

Why drinking water can be deadly for babies

H2O is one of the necessities of life, but for babies a seemingly harmless amount of water can be fatal.

Mother-in-law faceplants during proposal

He had it all planned: a romantic proposal on a windswept beach. The whole family would be there so they'd all be able to celebrate the joyous moment together.

A preschooler suddenly goes mute - and it's not just shyness

When our son stopped talking, our sense of loss was painful and acute.

The mums who ask for a 'wife bonus'

They run their homes like domestic CEOs and work tirelessly to improve their family's social standing. And now, according to a new book, they want an annual perk from their husbands.

Woman shares photo of dimple on breast to warn others of cancer risk

A widely-shared Facebook photograph of a British woman's breast has raised awareness of a more subtle breast cancer symptom.

Starting a family despite a low sperm count

"I'd never really failed a test - how could I fail this particularly manly test?"

It's official: we must better protect our kids from toxic lead exposure

New guidelines have been released, aimed at reducing children's harmful exposure to lead. But they still don't go far enough.

Trouble-shooting toddler social skills

Chances are your toddler's behaviour is all completely normal - but here's how to tackle some common social problems.

Helping your first-born welcome a sibling

We did sigh with joy at the arrival of a royal princess - but, mostly, we sighed with pity at the sight of Prince George being taken to meet her.

Farewell, daytime nap

I've been in denial and I'm not too proud to beg, but it appears I must accept the fact that you have gone. I need to let you go.

The identical triplets who are one in 50 million

The father of identical triplets born in a Texas hospital says his three daughters, including conjoined twins, are "a miracle" sent by God.

Seven questions you should be asking about your health cover

If the last time you assessed your health cover was five years ago, there?s a chance it may no longer suit your needs. To ensure it?s still right for your family, click here for seven questions to ask.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

How to use gas effectively in labour

Many women in labour don't use gas effectively and suffer more side effects than benefits. Here's how to get the most out of this pain relief option.

'He has gastro but that's okay, right?': sick kid etiquette

We cannot place all children who are sick in a bubble till they recover, but we can give other parents a choice about exposing their kids to them.

Welcome to Winter

Now that the colder months are here, Essential Baby as all the information you need for staying healthy and happy during the chilly season.

Ada Nicodemou: 'I can never be completely happy again'

Home and Away actress Ada Nicodemou has opened up about the loss of her stillborn baby.

10 things to consider when you're thinking about trying for a baby

Before you start tracking your menstrual cycle and reading up on the best positions to get pregnant, there are a few other things you may want to consider.

How special surgery and IVF can create a post-vasectomy baby

Cricket legend Glenn McGrath and his second wife Sara are expecting their first child together, thanks to IVF and a delicate surgical sperm retrieval process that helped the couple to conceive.

Belle Gibson's mother 'disgusted and embarrassed'

The mother of disgraced wellness blogger Belle Gibson has accused her daughter of lying about her childhood in an attempt to garner public sympathy.

Doctor's mobile phone 'left inside c-section mum'

A new mum claims a doctor left his mobile phone inside her after delivering her baby via caesarean section.

I'm a mum and I'm following my dreams

I want my kids to know that no matter what happens in life, you can still be who it is that you've always wanted to be.

Those first daycare days

I had this innate 'mum' moment the other day.

'If one person had listened, my life would have been so different'

Katherine's father will die in prison for the horrifying sexual abuse of his daughter. Yet she is the one with the true life sentence.

This new plan undermines breastfeeding and baby health at everyone's expense

Mothers, babies, the health system and the wider society are going to pay the price of this new budget.

Couple to celebrate terminally ill baby's birthday in unique way

Baby Jai Bishop has lived at Starship Hospital for the past seven months, with his parents flying back and forth from Hokitika, 1100km away, to be by his side.

Life On Mars

It's men who need 'retraining', not women

We are all responsible for our own behaviour. Telling victims to harden up is wrong.

Baby Gammy's dad tries to claim charity money

The biological father of baby Gammy has reportedly tried to access charity money raised for the little boy's medical costs.

Where are the childcare places?

It?s all very well to encourage women to work if they choose to, but how can the measures lead to increased workforce participation when women are once again left holding the baby?

The pain of not having babies and not knowing why

After seven years of wishing, hoping, crying, punching pillows and shouting "why me?!", the end result is more than I ever thought possible.

Getting your family finances in order

Whether you're after a new car for a growing family, a bigger house, or are just fixing up your finances, here are the basics on borrowing.

Mum shares graphic selfie to warn against tanning

A mum has shared a graphic photo of her skin cancer treatment as a warning to others.

Does parenthood make us happier?

We can certainly gain higher levels of happiness when we become parents, but the trick is to not get overwhelmed by the pressures of raising our kids.

No, having a dog is not like having a human child

It's obvious these people dote on their pets, but they're barking up the wrong tree.

 

Top baby names

Baby Names

The numbers are in and we can now bring you the 2014 top baby name list for Australia.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.