Jump to content

Have you changed your parenting styles?


  • Please log in to reply
37 replies to this topic

#1 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:01 PM

I was thinking today about how much my DS has grown and what a journey it has been. I found myself reflecting on parenting styles and how much they can change.

For example, to begin with I was very narrow in my thinking and believed there was one optimum way to parent, which for me was attachment style parenting.

Now TBH I still love the ideologies around attachment parenting BUT I believe there are also other ways to do things, and at the end of the day as long as your child is loved and cared for then that is the main thing, and there are many ways to achieve this.

I would defiantly say I'm far less judgemental now with a toddler than when I was trying to be perfect first time Mum. I also find I care a lot less about the politics of parenting.

The main parenting style that changed for me, *puts on flame suit* was that I ended up doing sleep training with my DS at 16 months. I always said I wouldn't, in fact I was outwardly against it, but in the end the sleep deprivation and importance of my studies took over. Not to mention the strain it was having on the whole family.

So have you found yourself parenting in a completely different way than you expected, maybe from pregnancy or later down the track?

Look forward to hearing your replies original.gif


#2 PurpleWitch

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:05 PM

Oh hell yes.

And the more children I have, the more I change.

Some things I just don't bend on though, my ideals are the same but you learn to pick your battles.

That's why I LOL when people say "When I have kids, they;ll never do xyz"

Yeah. Right.

#3 BadCat

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:07 PM

Well I had a few ideas before they were born but essentially no, I haven't really changed styles along the way.  I started out laid back and I stayed that way.

I could never be bothered with the perfect way to parent.  I just make it up as I go along.

Edited by BadCat, 15 November 2012 - 07:08 PM.


#4 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:14 PM

I agree, there are some fundamental things that haven't changed for me and other things that I used to care about, that I no longer give a one toss about.

So often now I'm seeing different debates or judgements on pro this and pro that pages on FB (parenting related) and I just roll my eyes and how militant people can be about how other peoples kids should be raised. It also scares me a bit to think at one point a small part of my brain was wired to that kind of conversation.

Seems like the more you parent the more empathy and open-minded you become (or can become).

#5 raven74

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:17 PM

I just do what works for me and sits within my beliefs.  I'm a pretty chilly parent.

#6 LookMumNoHands

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:20 PM

I think my parenting style is constantly changing, depending on what stage the kids are going through. The one thing that I've said throughout their lives, is that I won't back down, and I won't give in. Other than that, I'm pretty flexible.

#7 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:24 PM

QUOTE (LookMumNoHands @ 15/11/2012, 08:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think my parenting style is constantly changing, depending on what stage the kids are going through. The one thing that I've said throughout their lives, is that I won't back down, and I won't give in. Other than that, I'm pretty flexible.


I think they are good qualities to have original.gif My personal mantra with my DS is 'Gentle but firm'.

#8 Duck-o-lah

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:25 PM

QUOTE
Seems like the more you parent the more empathy and open-minded you become (or can become).
I believe this is true in most cases however I do know parents of multiple children who believe their way is THE only way and insist on proclaiming that they raised x children this way therefore it HAS to be the right and only way rolleyes.gif

I was very regimented with DS when he was a newborn. I had no idea about kids and followed instruction from MACH nurses without question. Not helpful when given conflicting advice at times sad.gif When I look back on how I was killing myself trying to get things right with DS it makes me sad. I will definitely be taking the newborn stage with #2 more in my stride.



#9 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:31 PM

QUOTE (duck-o-lah @ 15/11/2012, 08:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I believe this is true in most cases however I do know parents of multiple children who believe their way is THE only way and insist on proclaiming that they raised x children this way therefore it HAS to be the right and only way rolleyes.gif

I was very regimented with DS when he was a newborn. I had no idea about kids and followed instruction from MACH nurses without question. Not helpful when given conflicting advice at times sad.gif When I look back on how I was killing myself trying to get things right with DS it makes me sad. I will definitely be taking the newborn stage with #2 more in my stride.


I feel exactly the same about the idea of a second baby. At least second time round you know what you're in for and you know that even after 4 hours of crying, you will live and the world will not cease to exist.

#10 FiFo

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:34 PM

I have definitely changed my view of parenting from when I was pregnant. I was one of those "I'll never do..." type people and would dismiss others who told me that would change... but since DD has come along guess what...she does use a dummy and she does leave the house with snot on her nose and the world hasn't ended. LOL

Parenting is all about learning as you go!

#11 PurpleWitch

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:34 PM

I said I wouldn't back down too. Until he hit the teens.

Someone has to thrown down their weapon first though.

#12 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:38 PM

Purplewitch that made me giggle.

Yep I said he wont have a dummy, at 18 months he still has a dummy!

#13 Ice Queen

Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:55 PM

My basic fundamentals have not changed but I have somewhat 'softened' and I am so much less judgemental of others with their own kids.  I would never judge the parent of a toddler in the midst of a toddler public meltdown!  

OP, prekids I was the opposite of the attachment mother and thought I would be routine, let them cry etc etc.  As it turned out I was much softer, much more flexible, happy to follow my own instincts not a book, breastfed on demand (I never ever thought I would!) amoungst other things.  Although I did do sleep training without a second thought!

I am a chilled mum.  Which I always hoped I would be and am thankful I am.

#14 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:07 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 15/11/2012, 08:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
But what if you know you're wrong?  I think I bigger lesson can be learnt in teaching your kids that it's ok to admit you are wrong.

Back to the OP, I did change for a short while.  When my second was born and I didn't have the patience or time for an attachment style of parenting.  I needed 'quick fixes' (ie sending to room) But if felt wrong and was not successful at all.  I forgot all my previous readings and experience and kept trying to be stricter instead of going back to how I've always parented.  Anyway I finally had a 'light bulb' moment and went back.  At least I am true to my ideals even if I don't have well behaved angels.


Madame Catty, I have seen your post and I would say we probably share similar idea's about some things. In fact you commented on one of my sleep issue threads a while back when I was struggling with DS.

I think it can be about balance, I still love my babywearing, still using cloth nappies, really enjoy reading different gentle parenting authors but at the same time have intervened with DS sleep in a way that wouldn't be viewed as 'AP'.

But I guess now I don't mind, I can still see great value in my old way of thinking but am more open and flexible perhaps?  I think in the beginning, being so lost in Motherhood there was a sense of identity in carrying a strong ideology about certain parenting aspects.


#15 Bluestocking

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:15 PM

I was going to be a stay at home mum.

Can't finish this degree soon enough to get the hell out of the daily grind!

#16 Mung bean

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:19 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 15/11/2012, 09:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
See I think you can sleep train and be AP.  I know some hard-core AP mums don't believe you can, but sometimes it's best for baby and family.  Plus you can 'gentle' sleep train.


Indeed, it's still about using your instincts. At the end of the day, and in my case the lack of sleep was more detrimental to my relationship and feelings towards my son than 3 days of sleep training.

I look back at the hell that was and can't think of one good reason why I wish I didn't do it. After 18 months of struggle to a kid who sleeps 7-7 every night and sometime sleeps in later I feel human. Resentment vanished and a lot more fun and positive playtime.

#17 mysonsmum

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:21 PM

Yep & my son is 9 months. When he was born I was just doing what I needed to do to get through the day, my midwife said the first month (at least) is survival mode & u just do what ever is easiest for u & it worked well for us. When my son seemed hungry I feed him, he cluster fed for 3 hours most afternoon, when he was tired I wrapped him & put him down, by the end of most feds he had fallen asleep so I put him in bed & it was an easy & beautiful time. Then every human I came into contact with that had kids or knew someone who had kids started to tell me that letting him fall asleep while feeding is the worst thing u can do, it will create terrible sleeping habits that I can't break, same with the cluster feeding I should stop letting him snack all afternoon because he will do it forever instead I should feed him for 10 mins because that's all he needs then just let him cry. Buy 3 months started to buy into this & decided I should do as I was told & put him into a routine, not let him fall asleep on me anymore ect (feeding times shortened on their own) so I got my son into a routine & he was fine with it (he's fairly easy going) but I hated it. I never felt relaxed I was too busy worrying about what he should be doing, so I decided to just do what I wanted & follow his lead & if I created bad habits I would worry about it then. So I went back to letting him fall asleep on me when he wanted to, he fed whenever he wanted & he slept when he wanted & he continued to sleep through the night & at 9 months he still sleeps through the night. I just needed to do what worked for us & not worry about what might happen, just deal with what is happening. Next time I might have a 'routine" because #2 might have different needs. I'll just follow my babies lead & relax & enjoy (I HOPE) biggrin.gif

#18 bambiigrrl

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:24 PM

QUOTE (Mung bean @ 15/11/2012, 07:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was thinking today about how much my DS has grown and what a journey it has been. I found myself reflecting on parenting styles and how much they can change.

For example, to begin with I was very narrow in my thinking and believed there was one optimum way to parent, which for me was attachment style parenting.

Now TBH I still love the ideologies around attachment parenting BUT I believe there are also other ways to do things, and at the end of the day as long as your child is loved and cared for then that is the main thing, and there are many ways to achieve this.

I would defiantly say I'm far less judgemental now with a toddler than when I was trying to be perfect first time Mum. I also find I care a lot less about the politics of parenting.

The main parenting style that changed for me, *puts on flame suit* was that I ended up doing sleep training with my DS at 16 months. I always said I wouldn't, in fact I was outwardly against it, but in the end the sleep deprivation and importance of my studies took over. Not to mention the strain it was having on the whole family.

So have you found yourself parenting in a completely different way than you expected, maybe from pregnancy or later down the track?

Look forward to hearing your replies original.gif


i was just talking about this the other day, i totally agree 100%...now i roll my eyes at all the first time mums with new borns and remember i was like that once lol

#19 belindarama

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:25 PM

I think my ideas about parenting have changed a lot. Some of the fundamentals have remained the same but I have become more interested in more child led parenting, for want of a better term. I have relaxed a bit.

I don't back down either but by that I mean if I say no, it means no and if you have a consequence it will be followed through.

Equally I don't like letting my kids down, if I say we will do something we do it. I hate it when people tell kids something to get their cooperation or to save themselves the bother of saying no but don't follow through and disappoint them. There is one person in their lives who does this and it drives me crazy. DH and I don't let it happen anymore but it did go on for a while.

I think your kids have to be able to take you at your word.

Other than that lots of things have evolved in ways that sometimes surprise me.

#20 PurpleWitch

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:39 PM

Good point Madame Catty,

When I'm wrong, I admit I'm wrong.

I think it's good for my kids to learn that I'm human and I eff up.



#21 Duck-o-lah

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:48 PM

QUOTE
I feel exactly the same about the idea of a second baby. At least second time round you know what you're in for and you know that even after 4 hours of crying, you will live and the world will not cease to exist.
True. Except I will be writing these sentiments down before #2 arrives, so during those desperately sleepless nights I can read back on my own convictions and try to believe that the world will not cease to exist! laughing2.gif

#22 ShamelesslyPooks

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:50 PM

My new parenting style is to get to know my son as much as possible and work with him instead of against him.

I have learned that I need to let go of what might be 'generally' best and focus on what is best for us.

It's the only tip I will ever give a new mum without her asking wink.gif

#23 bambiigrrl

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:52 PM

i think there is just alot of stuff that first time parents get told they should do which is seemingly so incredibly important at the time (dummy/no dummy, sleep training, breastfeeding etc etc the list goes on) but what you discover as you go along is that these things arnt really important at all in the grand scheme of things and they all still manage to grow up eventually just the same weather they breastfed till they were 4 or coslept till they were 10 ate only organic etc etc or not.

the important things i havnt changed my mind about at all - i am honest with my kids about everything and make sure we have a totally open relationship, i dont tell them white lies or sugur coat stuff because i dont want them to decide one day they cant trust me or be open and honest with me in return. and that totally works for me, but may not for other mind you..


i dont take crap and my kids know how far they can push the boundries, but in saying that im a pretty laidback mum, i dont put a million rules on my kids i just let them run wild in the backyard or whatever..i just make sure if they do something they know they shouldnt have done then its off to the bedroom for a time out! gotta love super nanny lol

i definatly do some things i would have frowned upon pre children...like letting people smoke around them (dh smokes), i sometimes still swear around them, i let them go outside without a hat on sometimes..some days im having an off day and wont bother giving them a bath lol but i do still make sure they dont eat too much junk and i never give them softdrink, i still breastfed them till they were one, and i make sure they play nice together, share and respect each other and dh and i.

and its working really well for us...our kids are well behaved the majority of the time, they are happy, sociable and relaxed, confident little kids...so we must be doing something right!

#24 kay11

Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:57 PM

QUOTE (Excentrique @ 15/11/2012, 09:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was going to be a stay at home mum.

Can't finish this degree soon enough to get the hell out of the daily grind!


HAHAHAHA - me too ph34r.gif

Attachment parenting and breastfeeding - both out the window within three weeks!

In the end I did whatever minimised the crying and maximised the sleeping and the smiles (from baby and from myself).

It was the only way to stay sane. And yes it was different again for number two.

#25 Cath42

Posted 15 November 2012 - 09:07 PM

Before my first child was born, I was adamant that my children weren't going to eat junk food or watch TV. Now I have four kids. At least once per week I can be heard to say something like, "Eat your chips and do not MOVE from that television set while I do this phone conference". Yes, my parenting style changed over time. I was anal with my first child, and am so easy-going with my fourth child that I can't believe the two kids have the same mother.

What else have I learned? It IS possible to go without a single unbroken night's sleep for over 11 years and not completely lose your mind. It IS possible to anticipate an unbroken night's sleep in the near future with the same fervour with which many people await the Second Coming. That motherhood involves light and darkness, and it's important for the sake of new mothers to acknowledge both. And that when you look at the kids in your child's class at school, it's impossible to identify who was breast fed and who was bottle fed; who wore cloth nappies and who wore disposables; who slept with their parents for years and who slept in their own room from day 1; and who lives with two married parents, who lives with a sole parent, who lives with their grandparents and who lives with two parents of the same gender. The things that seem to matter so much when kids are little stop mattering as time goes by. Really, all that matters is that kids are loved and wanted, and equipped with a moral compass they can use to navigate their way through the vicissitudes of life.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.