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"Stealing" friends?


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#1 wonder woman

Posted 15 November 2012 - 09:50 AM

My good friend Kate introduced me to one of her good friends, Victoria, and we have hit it off so well that we exchanged details to catch up more.  Unfortunately, Kate is not always available when we are, and we are finding that we might perhaps click even better with each other than with Kate.

What can we do to reduce any ill-feeling from Kate that she might have towards us due to her thinking that her friendship with each of us might be being somewhat supplanted?

If you were Kate, how would you feel and react?

Of course I want all my friends to get along well with each other, but discovering that some might become closer with each other than with me can be unsettling...


#2 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:01 AM

I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.

I am just taking a step back and letting them do their thing. It's a little hurtful, but we have not fallen out over it and I still see her when I can and our conversations are the same.

I would try and include Kate as much as possible. It's great you recognise this might be hard on her as I don't think my BF does.

#3 unicycle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:05 AM

Same. Try to always invite Kate, even when you think she might be unavailale. Maybe mention a " wish you could have been ther" or a " it's not quite the same without you". You sound very kind.

#4 tle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

I love it when my friends all get along together and I'm not fazed if they see each other more than me. So long as I get to see them sometimes I'm fine.

#5 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

QUOTE
I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.



yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

#6 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:29 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 11:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.


She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.

#7 countrymel

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:35 AM

Is this actually an issue with adults?

The only people I know who get weird about that kind of thing are either very, very insecure or children.


Hell I introduced my one of my closest friends to another friend of mine and the buggers ended up getting married!

(thank heavens - it would have desperately uncomfortable for me if they had just become lovers and then broken up acrimoniously!)

#8 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:40 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 10:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

Same here

This has also happened to me, except the Kate went off her rocket at both me and the Victoria girl.  As a result, Kate lost both friendships (well, me for a time, until Kate settled down.  Kate and Victoria still have very little to do with each other).

Include Kate whenever you can.  Let her know that you still value her friendship and keep in contact as you used to.  But of course you will make new friends through your life, that's to be expected.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 15 November 2012 - 10:53 AM.


#9 Fluster

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:46 AM

At our wedding my DH and I sat one of his single friends with one of my single friends.  They hit it off and are now better friends with each than they are with us.  I'm really happy for them, and know that they have a lot in common (fortyish, independent, long term single).

#10 TopsyTurvy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:00 PM

Just be sure to keep extending the invitations to Kate.

Also try and make time on the odd occasion to catch up with Kate without Victoria so she knows you still value her friendship independently of Victoria.

#11 miriams

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:10 PM

If Kate actually had a problem with it at all, I would tell her that she is not in Year 8 anymore.

#12 FiveAus

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:14 PM

Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.

#13 steppy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:16 PM

I don't understand why there is an issue? Are you both just going to dump Kate or something?

#14 Ally'smum

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:23 PM

I have been Kate and sometimes I am fine with it (quite proud that two of my friends hit it off with each other) and other times I find it weird. I agree that you should invite Kate as much as possible.

It has happened to DH a lot and he wouldn't even think twice about it "why can't everyone just be friends with everyone?" life is so much simpler for him!

#15 Laborious Nicety

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:27 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 15/11/2012, 12:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.



I agree with this.  I think not thinking of others feelings is the Year 8 stuff and shows immaturity.

#16 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:34 PM

QUOTE (andyk @ 15/11/2012, 11:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.


Apologies, I didn't direct the rest of it at you, it was just general.  But it probably wouldn't even enter into my head to do such a thing as 'step back', I'd just engage with my friend as I always had and if she was busy doing other stuff I wouldn't even think about it as being because of another person, it wouldn't be any different than if she was busy with work or family stuff or whatever.  I don't overthink or overanalyse my relationships, what is just is.

#17 kittennic

Posted 15 November 2012 - 02:49 PM

I'd try to include her whenever you can, but don't stress if you've organised a date for you all to catch up on that Kate can't make, just as they shouldn't stress if you're the one who can't make the date this time.

I think it's nice that you're thinking about it. No matter how old you are, if you have two friends who you see socially individually who suddenly start seeing each other socially instead of seeing you, it can hurt.

Edited by kittennic, 15 November 2012 - 02:50 PM.


#18 brangisnotaword

Posted 15 November 2012 - 03:36 PM

Oh, we're all grown ups here.  We can handle it.

#19 Guest_CaptainOblivious_*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:10 PM

I would continue to make plans with Kate by herself but would also do plans with Victoria by herself and with both together.

Problem solved.

#20 *Lib*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:12 PM

Egh I hate the term stealing friends. We are adults. We make friends. I have a friend who claims I stole her friends, its pathetic. So much so her  child asked her friend (who is now my friend and  no longer her friend because of her stupid behaviour) why she stole me......

Edited by *Lib*, 16 November 2012 - 09:13 PM.


#21 Magnus

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:24 PM

I was a "friend-stealer" once. I really hit it off with my friend's best friend and then became good friends with him. It ended up ruining the friendship with her, because one night she got really snappy (and it was all aimed at me) when we were all at a party together. She was so rude I ended up leaving.

I hadn't actually thought at all about the friendship dynamic, so if the situation happened again, I guess I'd make more of an effort to include her. We all still did stuff together, though, so it wasn't as if she'd been completely ignored.

#22 -Emissary-

Posted 17 November 2012 - 12:15 AM

I wouldn't care. I don't catch up with my friends as often as I would like to due to having just every 2nd weekend to do this.

I introduced some friends, one of them was one of my close guy friend. He ended up hooking with one of the girl I introduced him to. I rarely see or talk to him now.

Personally it doesn't faze me, I'm too busy most of the time. I'm glad they are happy.

#23 Julie3Girls

Posted 17 November 2012 - 06:48 PM

Remember to invite her, if she can't come, at least she still knows she was invited. That said, you don't need to invite her all the time.

And make sure you still have time with Kate without Victoria.

It's not childish or "high school" to feel a bit left out. It's how you react to those feelings that makes the difference.

#24 epl0822

Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:45 PM

Several posters said to invite Kate anyway. I don't really see the point in inviting her for the sole purpose of not hurting her feelings. Of course you should invite her if that is what you actually want to do, but if you click more with Victoria and want to spend more time with her that's fine.

I was in your situation where A introduced me to her friend B. B and I had the platonic version of instant chemistry and we still meet up every week. A and I not so much anymore. But I never really clicked that well with A and our friendship would have drifted apart regardless so it's not like my friendship with B interfered in any way.

As long as you guys all act like grown ups I don't see why there should be a problem. Kate (presumably) has her own life and a set of friends and the two of her friends hitting it off should not cause her any upset. If it does she probably needs a healthy dose of reality.




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