Jump to content

"Stealing" friends?


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 wonder woman

Posted 15 November 2012 - 09:50 AM

My good friend Kate introduced me to one of her good friends, Victoria, and we have hit it off so well that we exchanged details to catch up more.  Unfortunately, Kate is not always available when we are, and we are finding that we might perhaps click even better with each other than with Kate.

What can we do to reduce any ill-feeling from Kate that she might have towards us due to her thinking that her friendship with each of us might be being somewhat supplanted?

If you were Kate, how would you feel and react?

Of course I want all my friends to get along well with each other, but discovering that some might become closer with each other than with me can be unsettling...


#2 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:01 AM

I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.

I am just taking a step back and letting them do their thing. It's a little hurtful, but we have not fallen out over it and I still see her when I can and our conversations are the same.

I would try and include Kate as much as possible. It's great you recognise this might be hard on her as I don't think my BF does.

#3 unicycle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:05 AM

Same. Try to always invite Kate, even when you think she might be unavailale. Maybe mention a " wish you could have been ther" or a " it's not quite the same without you". You sound very kind.

#4 tle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

I love it when my friends all get along together and I'm not fazed if they see each other more than me. So long as I get to see them sometimes I'm fine.

#5 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

QUOTE
I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.



yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

#6 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:29 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 11:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.


She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.

#7 HRH Countrymel

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:35 AM

Is this actually an issue with adults?

The only people I know who get weird about that kind of thing are either very, very insecure or children.


Hell I introduced my one of my closest friends to another friend of mine and the buggers ended up getting married!

(thank heavens - it would have desperately uncomfortable for me if they had just become lovers and then broken up acrimoniously!)

#8 Queen Yoda

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:40 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 10:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

Same here

This has also happened to me, except the Kate went off her rocket at both me and the Victoria girl.  As a result, Kate lost both friendships (well, me for a time, until Kate settled down.  Kate and Victoria still have very little to do with each other).

Include Kate whenever you can.  Let her know that you still value her friendship and keep in contact as you used to.  But of course you will make new friends through your life, that's to be expected.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 15 November 2012 - 10:53 AM.


#9 Fluster

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:46 AM

At our wedding my DH and I sat one of his single friends with one of my single friends.  They hit it off and are now better friends with each than they are with us.  I'm really happy for them, and know that they have a lot in common (fortyish, independent, long term single).

#10 TopsyTurvy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:00 PM

Just be sure to keep extending the invitations to Kate.

Also try and make time on the odd occasion to catch up with Kate without Victoria so she knows you still value her friendship independently of Victoria.

#11 miriams

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:10 PM

If Kate actually had a problem with it at all, I would tell her that she is not in Year 8 anymore.

#12 FiveAus

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:14 PM

Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.

#13 steppy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:16 PM

I don't understand why there is an issue? Are you both just going to dump Kate or something?

#14 Ally'smum

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:23 PM

I have been Kate and sometimes I am fine with it (quite proud that two of my friends hit it off with each other) and other times I find it weird. I agree that you should invite Kate as much as possible.

It has happened to DH a lot and he wouldn't even think twice about it "why can't everyone just be friends with everyone?" life is so much simpler for him!

#15 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:27 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 15/11/2012, 12:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.



I agree with this.  I think not thinking of others feelings is the Year 8 stuff and shows immaturity.

#16 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:34 PM

QUOTE (andyk @ 15/11/2012, 11:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.


Apologies, I didn't direct the rest of it at you, it was just general.  But it probably wouldn't even enter into my head to do such a thing as 'step back', I'd just engage with my friend as I always had and if she was busy doing other stuff I wouldn't even think about it as being because of another person, it wouldn't be any different than if she was busy with work or family stuff or whatever.  I don't overthink or overanalyse my relationships, what is just is.

#17 kittennic

Posted 15 November 2012 - 02:49 PM

I'd try to include her whenever you can, but don't stress if you've organised a date for you all to catch up on that Kate can't make, just as they shouldn't stress if you're the one who can't make the date this time.

I think it's nice that you're thinking about it. No matter how old you are, if you have two friends who you see socially individually who suddenly start seeing each other socially instead of seeing you, it can hurt.

Edited by kittennic, 15 November 2012 - 02:50 PM.


#18 Guest_CaptainOblivious_*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:10 PM

I would continue to make plans with Kate by herself but would also do plans with Victoria by herself and with both together.

Problem solved.

#19 *Lib*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:12 PM

Egh I hate the term stealing friends. We are adults. We make friends. I have a friend who claims I stole her friends, its pathetic. So much so her  child asked her friend (who is now my friend and  no longer her friend because of her stupid behaviour) why she stole me......

Edited by *Lib*, 16 November 2012 - 09:13 PM.


#20 Magnus

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:24 PM

I was a "friend-stealer" once. I really hit it off with my friend's best friend and then became good friends with him. It ended up ruining the friendship with her, because one night she got really snappy (and it was all aimed at me) when we were all at a party together. She was so rude I ended up leaving.

I hadn't actually thought at all about the friendship dynamic, so if the situation happened again, I guess I'd make more of an effort to include her. We all still did stuff together, though, so it wasn't as if she'd been completely ignored.

#21 -Emissary-

Posted 17 November 2012 - 12:15 AM

I wouldn't care. I don't catch up with my friends as often as I would like to due to having just every 2nd weekend to do this.

I introduced some friends, one of them was one of my close guy friend. He ended up hooking with one of the girl I introduced him to. I rarely see or talk to him now.

Personally it doesn't faze me, I'm too busy most of the time. I'm glad they are happy.

#22 Julie3Girls

Posted 17 November 2012 - 06:48 PM

Remember to invite her, if she can't come, at least she still knows she was invited. That said, you don't need to invite her all the time.

And make sure you still have time with Kate without Victoria.

It's not childish or "high school" to feel a bit left out. It's how you react to those feelings that makes the difference.

#23 epl0822

Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:45 PM

Several posters said to invite Kate anyway. I don't really see the point in inviting her for the sole purpose of not hurting her feelings. Of course you should invite her if that is what you actually want to do, but if you click more with Victoria and want to spend more time with her that's fine.

I was in your situation where A introduced me to her friend B. B and I had the platonic version of instant chemistry and we still meet up every week. A and I not so much anymore. But I never really clicked that well with A and our friendship would have drifted apart regardless so it's not like my friendship with B interfered in any way.

As long as you guys all act like grown ups I don't see why there should be a problem. Kate (presumably) has her own life and a set of friends and the two of her friends hitting it off should not cause her any upset. If it does she probably needs a healthy dose of reality.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Abbott's childcare changes will 'reduce access and add complexity'

The government's childcare assistance package threatens to confuse and intimidate many parents, experts say.

Be careful what you wish for

Remember that chubby little baby who rocked on all fours? Remember how you wished he would start to crawl? Then remember how you felt once he did?

William Tyrrell's parents plead for information as anniversary looms

As the one-year anniversary of William Tyrrell's disappearance draws near, the missing four-year-old's parents have again pleaded with the public for information that could help bring their son home.

Family sleepovers: a tribute to my 1970s childhood

My memories of those nights in my childhood are all about fun: sleepover excitement, staying up late, watching movies we probably weren't supposed to watch ... freedom.

43 minutes of terror: family's agonising wait for ambulance for toddler

It was terrifying. As the minutes ticked by little Cooper Harrison's parents felt more and more frantic.

What not to say to a new mum

Some phrases just pop out before you really think about them, but there are some things you should try to not say to a new mum.

Mummydesking: the new hotdesking

It is a paradise that only working parents of small children can understand: a place to sit for three hours without any interruptions while someone looks after the kids.

Charlize Theron adopts baby girl

A few months after splitting from Sean Penn, the actress Charlize Theron has adopted a baby girl.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg shares painful truth behind wife's pregnancy

Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg has shared a brutally honest truth about pregnancy in the hope it will help others through dark periods.  

Sugary drinks blamed for removal of toddlers' rotten teeth

Children as young as 18 months are having multiple rotten teeth pulled out as parents feed toddlers soft drinks through sipper bottles, and chocolate biscuits and Milo as bedtime treats.

Mum accidentally fake tans baby

Many of us have fallen foul of a bad fake tan or two, but this little guy's started a bit earlier than most.

Does this three-month-old say 'I love you'?

YouTube user Ted Moskalenko was filmed by his wife, Michelle, as his baby son, Ben, engaged in some baby chat.

Kids break out of daycare centre, cross busy highway

Two children broke out of an early childhood centre and wandered across a four-lane road.

Why I'm glad to be an indulgent granny

The phone calls started a couple of weeks ago. At about 5.30 each evening - if I am lucky - I will be greeted by a sweet, excited voice declaring: "'Allo Annie".

Newborn found in toilet at German airport

A newborn baby found abandoned and extremely ill in a bathroom in the Munich airport is doing well.

Is this the worst relationship advice ever published?

You sometimes have to wonder whether relationship/sex advice from magazines is designed to help or humiliate.

How you talk to your baby now can impact social skills later

People used to think that social skills were something kids were born with, not taught.

Three truths about C-section mums

Lately I've been thinking about the caesarean stories and the brave women who birth their children with strength and beauty.

Scientists predict when you should start a family

Scientists have calculated at exactly what age you need to start trying to get pregnant to have the best chance of realising your dream. 

Differently abled child

When 'protecting' a child is really a cover for judgement

Why are people so concerned for this happy child and his mother?

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

When toddlers have strange obsessions

When it comes to two-year-olds and birthday cakes there are a few requests that are usually at the top of the list. But a cake featuring a local personal injury lawyer?

When Mama Bear strikes

When we become mums, our instinct to protect our children and keep them safe from harm is so strong we're often likened to a Mama Bear protecting her cubs.  

Immunity boosters for kids

There are no guaranteed ways to avoid the dreaded winter illnesses completely, but there are ways we can boost our children's immunity.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Mum shares portrait of her proudly breastfeeding three-year-old

Jade Beall usually chooses to breastfeed her son, now 3, in private. This week, however, she shared portraits of her breastfeeding her preschooler.

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.