Jump to content

"Stealing" friends?

  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 wonder woman

Posted 15 November 2012 - 09:50 AM

My good friend Kate introduced me to one of her good friends, Victoria, and we have hit it off so well that we exchanged details to catch up more.  Unfortunately, Kate is not always available when we are, and we are finding that we might perhaps click even better with each other than with Kate.

What can we do to reduce any ill-feeling from Kate that she might have towards us due to her thinking that her friendship with each of us might be being somewhat supplanted?

If you were Kate, how would you feel and react?

Of course I want all my friends to get along well with each other, but discovering that some might become closer with each other than with me can be unsettling...

#2 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:01 AM

I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.

I am just taking a step back and letting them do their thing. It's a little hurtful, but we have not fallen out over it and I still see her when I can and our conversations are the same.

I would try and include Kate as much as possible. It's great you recognise this might be hard on her as I don't think my BF does.

#3 unicycle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:05 AM

Same. Try to always invite Kate, even when you think she might be unavailale. Maybe mention a " wish you could have been ther" or a " it's not quite the same without you". You sound very kind.

#4 tle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

I love it when my friends all get along together and I'm not fazed if they see each other more than me. So long as I get to see them sometimes I'm fine.

#5 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.

yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

#6 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:29 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 11:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.

#7 HRH Countrymel

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:35 AM

Is this actually an issue with adults?

The only people I know who get weird about that kind of thing are either very, very insecure or children.

Hell I introduced my one of my closest friends to another friend of mine and the buggers ended up getting married!

(thank heavens - it would have desperately uncomfortable for me if they had just become lovers and then broken up acrimoniously!)

#8 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:40 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 10:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

Same here

This has also happened to me, except the Kate went off her rocket at both me and the Victoria girl.  As a result, Kate lost both friendships (well, me for a time, until Kate settled down.  Kate and Victoria still have very little to do with each other).

Include Kate whenever you can.  Let her know that you still value her friendship and keep in contact as you used to.  But of course you will make new friends through your life, that's to be expected.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 15 November 2012 - 10:53 AM.

#9 Fluster

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:46 AM

At our wedding my DH and I sat one of his single friends with one of my single friends.  They hit it off and are now better friends with each than they are with us.  I'm really happy for them, and know that they have a lot in common (fortyish, independent, long term single).

#10 TopsyTurvy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:00 PM

Just be sure to keep extending the invitations to Kate.

Also try and make time on the odd occasion to catch up with Kate without Victoria so she knows you still value her friendship independently of Victoria.

#11 miriams

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:10 PM

If Kate actually had a problem with it at all, I would tell her that she is not in Year 8 anymore.

#12 FiveAus

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:14 PM

Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.

#13 steppy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:16 PM

I don't understand why there is an issue? Are you both just going to dump Kate or something?

#14 Ally'smum

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:23 PM

I have been Kate and sometimes I am fine with it (quite proud that two of my friends hit it off with each other) and other times I find it weird. I agree that you should invite Kate as much as possible.

It has happened to DH a lot and he wouldn't even think twice about it "why can't everyone just be friends with everyone?" life is so much simpler for him!

#15 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:27 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 15/11/2012, 12:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.

I agree with this.  I think not thinking of others feelings is the Year 8 stuff and shows immaturity.

#16 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:34 PM

QUOTE (andyk @ 15/11/2012, 11:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.

Apologies, I didn't direct the rest of it at you, it was just general.  But it probably wouldn't even enter into my head to do such a thing as 'step back', I'd just engage with my friend as I always had and if she was busy doing other stuff I wouldn't even think about it as being because of another person, it wouldn't be any different than if she was busy with work or family stuff or whatever.  I don't overthink or overanalyse my relationships, what is just is.

#17 kittennic

Posted 15 November 2012 - 02:49 PM

I'd try to include her whenever you can, but don't stress if you've organised a date for you all to catch up on that Kate can't make, just as they shouldn't stress if you're the one who can't make the date this time.

I think it's nice that you're thinking about it. No matter how old you are, if you have two friends who you see socially individually who suddenly start seeing each other socially instead of seeing you, it can hurt.

Edited by kittennic, 15 November 2012 - 02:50 PM.

#18 Guest_CaptainOblivious_*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:10 PM

I would continue to make plans with Kate by herself but would also do plans with Victoria by herself and with both together.

Problem solved.

#19 *Lib*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:12 PM

Egh I hate the term stealing friends. We are adults. We make friends. I have a friend who claims I stole her friends, its pathetic. So much so her  child asked her friend (who is now my friend and  no longer her friend because of her stupid behaviour) why she stole me......

Edited by *Lib*, 16 November 2012 - 09:13 PM.

#20 Magnus

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:24 PM

I was a "friend-stealer" once. I really hit it off with my friend's best friend and then became good friends with him. It ended up ruining the friendship with her, because one night she got really snappy (and it was all aimed at me) when we were all at a party together. She was so rude I ended up leaving.

I hadn't actually thought at all about the friendship dynamic, so if the situation happened again, I guess I'd make more of an effort to include her. We all still did stuff together, though, so it wasn't as if she'd been completely ignored.

#21 -Emissary-

Posted 17 November 2012 - 12:15 AM

I wouldn't care. I don't catch up with my friends as often as I would like to due to having just every 2nd weekend to do this.

I introduced some friends, one of them was one of my close guy friend. He ended up hooking with one of the girl I introduced him to. I rarely see or talk to him now.

Personally it doesn't faze me, I'm too busy most of the time. I'm glad they are happy.

#22 Julie3Girls

Posted 17 November 2012 - 06:48 PM

Remember to invite her, if she can't come, at least she still knows she was invited. That said, you don't need to invite her all the time.

And make sure you still have time with Kate without Victoria.

It's not childish or "high school" to feel a bit left out. It's how you react to those feelings that makes the difference.

#23 epl0822

Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:45 PM

Several posters said to invite Kate anyway. I don't really see the point in inviting her for the sole purpose of not hurting her feelings. Of course you should invite her if that is what you actually want to do, but if you click more with Victoria and want to spend more time with her that's fine.

I was in your situation where A introduced me to her friend B. B and I had the platonic version of instant chemistry and we still meet up every week. A and I not so much anymore. But I never really clicked that well with A and our friendship would have drifted apart regardless so it's not like my friendship with B interfered in any way.

As long as you guys all act like grown ups I don't see why there should be a problem. Kate (presumably) has her own life and a set of friends and the two of her friends hitting it off should not cause her any upset. If it does she probably needs a healthy dose of reality.

1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users


9 things I need to thank my parents for

You really don't realise everything your parents did for you until you find yourself doing them for your own children ... vomit catching and all.

The adventurous baby who's already putting safety first

When you're a baby, even getting off a bed and onto the floor can be a tricky procedure.

The story behind the love video that went viral

It is a quiet video, less than a half-minute long. It features no flourishes to speak of. It has no kittens doing kitten things. None of the things that often make a video go viral.

Anthony and Elle Watmough's joyous news as baby cleared of fatal condition

Rugby league star Anthony Watmough and his wife Elle have shared their joy at learning their unborn baby, who was thought to have Trisomy 18, was cleared of the fatal condition.

Win a family farmstay with Shaun the Sheep

To celebrate the Home Entertainment release of Shaun the Sheep Movie, Essential Kids and Universal Sony Pictures Home Entertainment are offering one winner and their family a holiday to a farm.

How I learnt to be a better friend

I may have lost that particular friend years ago, but I have gained so much from that experience.

What goes in the nappy bag?

It's far more than just a bag for nappies - it's the travel companion for your baby that should contain all the things you might need when away from home base.

The nature naming trend

The biggest joy of our daughter's name is that people really light up when they hear it (pun intended).

Win a Justine Clarke Pyjama Jam! prize pack

The Pyjama Jam! tour will see Justine Clarke returning to more intimate venues around Australia, creating the perfect comfy and cozy atmosphere for a PJ party.

Parents of baby born without part of his skull stand up to critics

When Brittany and Brandon Buell's son Jaxon was born missing much of his brain and skull, doctors said he only had days to live.

Baby plans are 'none of your business'

Emily Bingham had been asked about her baby making plans one too many times. 

Diet shakes to lose weight? Think again

Thinking of investing in meal replacement shakes to slim down ahead of summer?

Study offers support for cancer treatment during pregnancy

It is among the most delicate and difficult dilemmas in medicine: Should a pregnant woman who has received a cancer diagnosis begin treatment before her child is born?

Awards 2015: Vote now for a chance to win $2000

Vote for your favourite pregnancy, baby and toddler products for your chance to win your share of $2500 in cash prizes.

64 baby names based in nature

Looking for a baby name with a nod to nature, or one with an organic meaning? Check out our list to get inspired.

What coffee does to your body

That cup of Joe is just the boost your body needs.

Mum leaves triplets at hospital because she can't afford them

An illiterate and poverty stricken mother has abandoned her newborn triplets at hospital because she cannot afford to care for them.

I gave my daughter up for adoption - then tried to be her mum

The first time my oldest daughter called me 'Mum', she was 17.

Rainbow Babies lighting up the internet

A recent Facebook photo post is prompting widespread discussion of an emotional topic for many parents: rainbow babies.

The new wave of virgins giving birth

Dozens of young women have had virgin births after undergoing IVF in Britain, it has been reported.

'It sort of became an addiction': parents buying, reselling Bonds Wondersuits

Your baby might be crawling around in hundreds of dollars worth of clothing.

Adjusting your child to daylight savings time

A one-hour difference to the day is pretty big deal when you're little.

Born too soon: life on the margins of existence

The frontiers of life are advancing ever further into uncharted territory.


What's hot on EB

Stella McCartney honours mum with lacy bra

Fashion designer Stella McCartney has honoured her late mum, Linda McCartney, by designing a special bra for post-mastectomy patients.

Don't panic: A granddad midwife's guide for dads-to-be

Mark Harris has helped deliver 500 babies. And he's now telling fathers what to expect.

How to be a calm parent when you're feeling anything but

Being a calm parent takes a lot of work, sometimes more than is obvious to those around us.

The joy and isolation of being a stay-at-home dad

It's cool, kind of like a second childhood. I love him to bits and think, on average, I'm an okay dad. But I also want to talk about the other stuff.

How baby Teddy's short life is helping save thousands of lives

He may have only lived for 100 minutes, but that didn't stop baby Teddy from saving the lives of others.

A heartbreaking trail of missed chances in death of baby forgotten in car

A haunting reminder to stay mindful about babies in cars, especially as we approach summer.

What to do if your baby has tongue-tie

Tongue-tie can cause feeding problems. However once it is diagnosed, the condition can be easily treated.

How to move house without losing your mind

Some people move frequently, while others like to stay put. But everyone finds it stressful.

'She had nowhere to go': how new mum's life began to unravel

The birth of her first child should have been happiest of times for Campsie mother Phuong Cao, but friends say it marked the beginning of when her life began to unravel. 

Women giving birth to a son keep some of his Y chromosomes

It was an experiment doomed to failure - they were looking for male cells in female bodies. And their search was stunningly successful.

Photos: How babies fit in the womb

A gorgeous photo series shows babies in the first hours after their birth - as they were positioned in the womb.

Baby tries to persuade stubborn bulldog to walk, fails

We don't know what he's saying, but this baby has a very clear message for his bulldog pal: let's walk - NOW.

The best toddler gift ever? Nine gender-neutral play kitchen picks

Without a doubt, one of the best gifts for a toddler turning two or three is a play kitchen.

9 easy steps to improve your baby photography

With a few simple tips you can take your images from random happy snaps to lovely clean images that create beautiful lasting memories.



What are your favourite baby products?

The Essential Baby Awards are on now, and we need your help! Have your say on your top picks and you'll go in the draw to win a share of $2500.

Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.