Jump to content

"Stealing" friends?


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 wonder woman

Posted 15 November 2012 - 09:50 AM

My good friend Kate introduced me to one of her good friends, Victoria, and we have hit it off so well that we exchanged details to catch up more.  Unfortunately, Kate is not always available when we are, and we are finding that we might perhaps click even better with each other than with Kate.

What can we do to reduce any ill-feeling from Kate that she might have towards us due to her thinking that her friendship with each of us might be being somewhat supplanted?

If you were Kate, how would you feel and react?

Of course I want all my friends to get along well with each other, but discovering that some might become closer with each other than with me can be unsettling...


#2 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:01 AM

I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.

I am just taking a step back and letting them do their thing. It's a little hurtful, but we have not fallen out over it and I still see her when I can and our conversations are the same.

I would try and include Kate as much as possible. It's great you recognise this might be hard on her as I don't think my BF does.

#3 unicycle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:05 AM

Same. Try to always invite Kate, even when you think she might be unavailale. Maybe mention a " wish you could have been ther" or a " it's not quite the same without you". You sound very kind.

#4 tle

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

I love it when my friends all get along together and I'm not fazed if they see each other more than me. So long as I get to see them sometimes I'm fine.

#5 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:15 AM

QUOTE
I am currently the 'Kate' in your situation and it's hard. My BF has become very close with another lady who lives much closer than I do and is more social than I am. Also they are much closer financially.



yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

#6 andyk

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:29 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 11:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
yeah but this other lady isn't one of your friends, so your situation is a bit different.  I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.


She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.

#7 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:35 AM

Is this actually an issue with adults?

The only people I know who get weird about that kind of thing are either very, very insecure or children.


Hell I introduced my one of my closest friends to another friend of mine and the buggers ended up getting married!

(thank heavens - it would have desperately uncomfortable for me if they had just become lovers and then broken up acrimoniously!)

#8 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:40 AM

QUOTE (Tigerdog @ 15/11/2012, 10:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't mind this at all, is has happened to me but I believe people don't 'own' other people, you can't control another person's life and who they associate with.

Same here

This has also happened to me, except the Kate went off her rocket at both me and the Victoria girl.  As a result, Kate lost both friendships (well, me for a time, until Kate settled down.  Kate and Victoria still have very little to do with each other).

Include Kate whenever you can.  Let her know that you still value her friendship and keep in contact as you used to.  But of course you will make new friends through your life, that's to be expected.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 15 November 2012 - 10:53 AM.


#9 Fluster

Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:46 AM

At our wedding my DH and I sat one of his single friends with one of my single friends.  They hit it off and are now better friends with each than they are with us.  I'm really happy for them, and know that they have a lot in common (fortyish, independent, long term single).

#10 TopsyTurvy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:00 PM

Just be sure to keep extending the invitations to Kate.

Also try and make time on the odd occasion to catch up with Kate without Victoria so she knows you still value her friendship independently of Victoria.

#11 miriams

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:10 PM

If Kate actually had a problem with it at all, I would tell her that she is not in Year 8 anymore.

#12 FiveAus

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:14 PM

Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.

#13 steppy

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:16 PM

I don't understand why there is an issue? Are you both just going to dump Kate or something?

#14 Ally'smum

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:23 PM

I have been Kate and sometimes I am fine with it (quite proud that two of my friends hit it off with each other) and other times I find it weird. I agree that you should invite Kate as much as possible.

It has happened to DH a lot and he wouldn't even think twice about it "why can't everyone just be friends with everyone?" life is so much simpler for him!

#15 sad small umbrella

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:27 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 15/11/2012, 12:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being sensitive to someone else's feelings is never childish or immature.



I agree with this.  I think not thinking of others feelings is the Year 8 stuff and shows immaturity.

#16 Tigerdog

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:34 PM

QUOTE (andyk @ 15/11/2012, 11:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She was a person we both knew vaguely. Anyway not sure if the rest of your post was directed at me or just in general, but for the record I would never claim to 'own' anybody which is why as I said I was taking a step back and letting them do their thing.


Apologies, I didn't direct the rest of it at you, it was just general.  But it probably wouldn't even enter into my head to do such a thing as 'step back', I'd just engage with my friend as I always had and if she was busy doing other stuff I wouldn't even think about it as being because of another person, it wouldn't be any different than if she was busy with work or family stuff or whatever.  I don't overthink or overanalyse my relationships, what is just is.

#17 kittennic

Posted 15 November 2012 - 02:49 PM

I'd try to include her whenever you can, but don't stress if you've organised a date for you all to catch up on that Kate can't make, just as they shouldn't stress if you're the one who can't make the date this time.

I think it's nice that you're thinking about it. No matter how old you are, if you have two friends who you see socially individually who suddenly start seeing each other socially instead of seeing you, it can hurt.

Edited by kittennic, 15 November 2012 - 02:50 PM.


#18 Guest_CaptainOblivious_*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:10 PM

I would continue to make plans with Kate by herself but would also do plans with Victoria by herself and with both together.

Problem solved.

#19 *Lib*

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:12 PM

Egh I hate the term stealing friends. We are adults. We make friends. I have a friend who claims I stole her friends, its pathetic. So much so her  child asked her friend (who is now my friend and  no longer her friend because of her stupid behaviour) why she stole me......

Edited by *Lib*, 16 November 2012 - 09:13 PM.


#20 Magnus

Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:24 PM

I was a "friend-stealer" once. I really hit it off with my friend's best friend and then became good friends with him. It ended up ruining the friendship with her, because one night she got really snappy (and it was all aimed at me) when we were all at a party together. She was so rude I ended up leaving.

I hadn't actually thought at all about the friendship dynamic, so if the situation happened again, I guess I'd make more of an effort to include her. We all still did stuff together, though, so it wasn't as if she'd been completely ignored.

#21 -Emissary-

Posted 17 November 2012 - 12:15 AM

I wouldn't care. I don't catch up with my friends as often as I would like to due to having just every 2nd weekend to do this.

I introduced some friends, one of them was one of my close guy friend. He ended up hooking with one of the girl I introduced him to. I rarely see or talk to him now.

Personally it doesn't faze me, I'm too busy most of the time. I'm glad they are happy.

#22 Julie3Girls

Posted 17 November 2012 - 06:48 PM

Remember to invite her, if she can't come, at least she still knows she was invited. That said, you don't need to invite her all the time.

And make sure you still have time with Kate without Victoria.

It's not childish or "high school" to feel a bit left out. It's how you react to those feelings that makes the difference.

#23 epl0822

Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:45 PM

Several posters said to invite Kate anyway. I don't really see the point in inviting her for the sole purpose of not hurting her feelings. Of course you should invite her if that is what you actually want to do, but if you click more with Victoria and want to spend more time with her that's fine.

I was in your situation where A introduced me to her friend B. B and I had the platonic version of instant chemistry and we still meet up every week. A and I not so much anymore. But I never really clicked that well with A and our friendship would have drifted apart regardless so it's not like my friendship with B interfered in any way.

As long as you guys all act like grown ups I don't see why there should be a problem. Kate (presumably) has her own life and a set of friends and the two of her friends hitting it off should not cause her any upset. If it does she probably needs a healthy dose of reality.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reaction to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Empowering bikini photo of 46-year-old mum goes viral

When a group of teenagers made rude remarks about her body as she walked past them in a bikini at the local beach, Julie Cross refused to cover up.

Devastated widow discovers she's pregnant the day before husband's funeral

They had been trying to conceive a baby for seven years. Tragically Kristy Kirchner found out she was pregnant the day before her husband Royce's funeral.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Gabriella Goat sues Peppa Pig

Every toddler's favourite television pig is being sued by an Italian woman who shares a name with a Peppa Pig character.

Meet the Mpregs, the male pregnancy enthusiasts

"Men can't have babies - that's something only women can do! But our community is full of like-minded people who wish otherwise."

Your new motherhood survival kit

Forget about the bright, pretty baby things - while you're in survival mode, all you'll need are the essentials.

More than 100,000 cars recalled globally after death of pregnant woman

The announcement of a mass recall comes as Malaysian police investigate the death of pregnant woman in July.

I had a 'good baby' but still suffered from postnatal depression

I had a much wanted precious baby girl, a 'good baby' who slept well, self settled and was mostly content. It just seemed implausible to think I could succumb to depression.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Eating ice may give mental boost to the iron deficient: study

A new study proposes that, like a strong cup of coffee, ice may give those with insufficient iron a much-needed mental boost.

Tiny lives in caring hands: Thank U NICU Day

Each year in Australia, over 40,000 newborns need the help of a special care nursery or neonatal intensive care unit. One day a year, the staff are honoured by the parents they help through those dark days.

I paid $50,000 to have a girl

This time my husband and I hadn't taken any chances. We had paid $50,000 and travelled 13,000 kilometres to make sure the baby growing inside me was female.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you're doing.

A trace of sesame could kill my son

Helen Richardson son's had two anaphylactic reactions in a month. It's traumatic for everyone.

When you know before the test says yes

It wasn't a pregnancy test or missed period that told me I was pregnant with my second baby; it was too early for those things. A doner kebab told me I was going to be a mum again.

What not to do when your partner is in labour

Robbie Williams stole the show during his wife Ayda's labour, pretty much demonstrating everything on the "what not to do when your partner is in labour" list.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

'Chopstick Baby' born at 23 weeks

Given the nickname of 'Chopstick Baby' by local media, a baby born weighing 660g has survived a week outside the womb.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.