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Teenager with bad attitude and behaviour
Don't know just quite what to do with her :(


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#1 jadeann

Posted 14 November 2012 - 11:23 AM

Long time member gone anon for privacy reasons...

I'm at my wits end with my 13 year old dd. I just don't now what to do with her behaviour and her bad attitude and would appreciate any advice.

She is lazy, will not complete chores and she only has one basic chore that is to unpack dishwasher, other chores are punishments and she doesn't do them. She doesn't pick up after herself and this morning dh discovered her sanitary bin overflowing with dirty pads shoved behind it, we have a toddler ffs this is not on! She has exams coming up doesn't bother studying, regularly doesn't do her homework. Everything is such an effort for her, she has no work ethic. She has forever got her head stuck in a book.

She is a smartarse, mouthy, stroppy and b**chy. Always mouthing off at her younger brother, yelling at him calling him a moron and will yell at me when I pull her up on it. She often hurts her 6 year old brother lashing out at him seeing it as her duty to punish him. Yes he does antagonise her and I do my best to deal with it but it is hard to punish him when shes has decided that if he hurts her she will hurt him 10 times worse and I am dealing with a crying injured 6 year old.

She is a liar, I swear she thinks we are stupid she lied about cutting her hair, she lies so much I have lost any trust I had in her.

She is ungrateful, the amount of time and money we spend on her activities is well quite a lot and we get it thrown in our faces. She goes to a private girls school which she hates because they are really strict and she wants to go to a school with boys because she wants a boyfriend she thinks it is tragic she is 13 and still not had a boyfriend. She does a lot of sports and youth group and has plenty of contact with boys just "no hot ones". We don't want her going to the local public high school it is very rough and their are girls she had issues with in primary school attending that will in their words 'make her life a living hell" I spend 10+ hrs a week just doing the school commute for her. Add another 15 - 20 hrs of chauffering her ungrateful a*se around to her sports and activities and take in to consideration my other 2 kids and it is fecking exhausting.

She is sneaky and deceptive, she will be sent to bed at 9pm and reads for a while and knows its lights out by 9.30 but she has been known to be up well past midnight on her phone or reading and when she is busted she will lie about it. She goes onto websites she is not allowed to and again lies about it. She is always staying up too late and as a result waking up with too little sleep and being an even more tired and cranky b**ch than usual.

She is defiant and rebellious, she will deliberately break school rules or rules at home just to see how far she can push it.

That is a brief summary of her behaviour, I could keep going on and on....I am just over her. We do so much for her and make sacrifices for her because she is our daughter, we love her and think she is worth it. We still love her but starting to think she is not so much worth it now. We have been disclipling her, tried many approaches. I have tried sitting down and having a mature talk to her, have tried letting her choose her own punishments, have tried to reward good behaviour. We have given her various punishments at different stages including;

Taken away her smart phone and given her a 'dumb' old style that does nothing but make calls and sms no internet.

Taken away her pc and internet access, changed our router password so she can no longer access it only under strict supervision for school work.

Taken away her tv.

Refused to take her to certain activities using the excuse 'I can't be bothered' or 'I have better stuff to do' giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Given her extra chores, eg. if shes doesn't unpack dishwasher then she will have to load it as well.

Grounded her.

Taken her door off the hinges.

Nothing seems to work she will behave for a while to get what she wants then revert back to her bad behaviour and attitude. No matter what we take from her she will find something else to distract herself with. It is not unusual for her to when she is supposed to be doing something take a book and go lock herself in the toilet for an hour here and there. I just don't know what is left to discipline her with. I can't see many options left, I could take her books and activities away but is that a bit too harsh? Even prisoners get to have these. I've even broken down in front of her and completely lost it. That changed her behaviour that night... until the next day. I'm on the verge of pulling her our of her school enrolling her in the local high school and telling her here you go this is what you wanted now fend for yourself. I've thought of cutting out all her activities and telling her you want to go then you take yourself there and pay for it yourself. I've just had enough mad.gif I love my daughter but don't like her very much at the moment.

#2 hellsmail

Posted 14 November 2012 - 11:34 AM

teenagers, I have a 14 year old boy like that but my 17 year old son is so much better now that his brain isn't soup anymore.  Hang in there they are having bigger brain rewiring than happened in the first year of life, It is horrid but it does get better.

#3 miriams

Posted 14 November 2012 - 11:44 AM

Nothing to say except you have my full sympathies. We could have written this post almost word for word. We are dealing with almost exactly the same behaviours with our twelve year old DD (minus the boys bit ...as yet). I used to stay up reading at the same age too though and my mum just gives me a cryptic smile if I complain about all this  laugh.gif

#4 Sweet like a lemon

Posted 14 November 2012 - 11:48 AM

Okay, I don't have a teenager yet, but 13yo s are notoriously difficult.

Personally I would ensure there are web filters in place to prevent her from a: visiting websites that are off limits and b: limit the amount of time she gets on the PC. There are heaps of free to use, user friendly  tools out there.

I also would not allow electronics in the bedroom after bedtime. Period. Not something that can be negotiated with good or bad behaviour. There have been plenty of studies done which all conclude it's
simply not good for them.

The part of her brain that measures consequence is still very much under development and will be for a few more years.

A sympathetic female GP will be able to give support and guidance with hormonal and behavioural issues.

Edited by ForsakenTruth, 14 November 2012 - 11:48 AM.


#5 BadCat

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:04 PM

Sounds like you have given her an awful lot, phone, tv, private school, activities galore, and she has never had to earn anything.

It might be time to sit her down and redress the balance.  Explain to her that these things are privileges many of which you are now removing.  She can earn back her phone, her tv, her internet and her activities by behaving appropriately and doing her chores.

You can make allowances for some disturbances due to puberty but it can't be an excuse to ride roughshod over the rest of the family.

#6 idignantlyright

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:15 PM

I have 13yr old & have 2 other older girls.
I understand what you are going through and others have given great advice, but do you really have to refer to your teenage DD the way you have?
Our now 13yr old is more a handfull than the others were, but b**chy and b**ch are not words I would use to describe her.

#7 EsmeLennox

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:16 PM

^

I agree with BadCat. Also PET is well worth a look.

#8 Funwith3

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:18 PM

I haven't got a teenager yet, but if its any consolation, this is explaining exactly what I was like as a 13 year old. I was a parent's nightmare!! When I look back I wonder what my parents did wrong because they tried SOOOO hard with me. Nothing worked.

I think I saw them as my enemies, not my friends. Perhaps you could try to befriend her. Find out what's really going on in her life, how she feels, what her insecurities are, what's worrying her etc. How about SHE set some rules. You could all sit down together and work out some rules that everyone agrees on (curfew times for example).

I think that's the one thing I will take from my parents and use in my own parenting - don't become their enemies. Try to stay friends...but that doesn't mean giving in to everything.

It's so hard. Please be assured, I was such a ratbag (seriously!!) and I turned out fine. I came to my senses when I was about 17.  happy.gif

#9 EsmeLennox

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:23 PM

b**ch and b**chy have been used as descriptors of behaviour. The OP hasn't said anywhere that she has called her daughter a b**ch - surely we are allowed, as parents, to recognise and comment on the less savoury aspects of behaviour, or is it just nor PC enough for you?

#10 FiveAus

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:24 PM

She sounds a lot like my eldest daughter at that age, throw in incredibly, unbelievably rude to her step father, and stealing money from my purse and they could be clones. Mine didn't go to a private school though.

No answers sorry, except time. And some advice that will fly in the face of everything anyone else will suggest.…dont ever let her get a part time job. A teenager who has an attitude such as yours does, gets a thousand times worse when they have their own money. My daughter got a job at 14 and 10 months, she was a model employee, courteous, efficient, always on time, her co workers loved her.
Her attitude at home went from awful to unbelievably appalling. All because she had her own money. As long as you control the purse strings, you'll have a modicum of control over the child.

We cheered when she moved out, and now at 23 she is actually a really nice person. And has complete memory loss of what she was like as a teenager. I haven't though, and under no circumstances do I ever want her living back with me.

Edited by FiveAus, 14 November 2012 - 12:25 PM.


#11 idignantlyright

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:25 PM

QUOTE (Jemstar @ 14/11/2012, 01:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
b**ch and b**chy have been used as descriptors of behaviour. The OP hasn't said anywhere that she has called her daughter a b**ch - surely we are allowed, as parents, to recognise and comment on the less savoury aspects of behaviour, or is it just nor PC enough for you?

I am just tired of things like this being okay for some and not for others. You know, one rule for some and one for others. So I guess no, not good enough describing their daughter this way.

#12 kpingitquiet

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:27 PM

She sounds exactly like me (aside from the sibling stuff). Is she gifted, by any chance?

Cracking down on the rules was the exact opposite of what worked for me, in fact it caused a fair bit of my defiant attitude. What I needed was more responsibility and more freedom. But all kids are different and that takes a big leap of faith from the parent. Should add, I got my freedom by moving to a different parent's house. No net, limited phone (not because of me, just because of money/location) but I had nearly complete freedom outside of that and also had a lot of responsibility for getting myself up no matter how late I'd stayed awake, helping with dinners about half the time, etc.

#13 Apageintime

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:27 PM

I was like this too at 13.

I look back now and feel so bad about it, one of the things that really helped was going on Dad dates. Dad would take me out once a week for some one on one time. It was awkward for a while, but he stuck with it and eventually I really trusted him and could unburden on him a little. Then when he said stuff like 'clean your room up' I would (mostly) do it, cause we had established a good rapport. He never once cancelled on me.

If there's a toddler in the house she probably doesn't get much time individually, and a lot of the attention she gets from you both is negative. Its a crap age and she'll probably still be moody and cranky and self important a lot, but maybe try and break the current cycle with some positive stuff.

Eta - I agree with giving her a little more freedom. Can she catch the bus to or from school? Be responsible for the cooking?

Edited by Apageintime, 14 November 2012 - 12:31 PM.


#14 jadeann

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:33 PM

I think I will mention her behaviour to my pysch at our next session and see if she can offer any advice or suggest a good counsellor to help her through this stage, and oh gawd do I hope it is only a stage.

I agree she has had a lot given to her and she does have a lot of priveleges. We have had this talk with her many times. We have taken away her priveleges several times, each for longer periods but when she gets them back she just throws it back in our face and just doesn't seem to learn.

She has no electronics in her room after bedtime now, previously she was using mobile phone as an alarm and to listen to music to help her get to sleep and she was fine with doing that. Now she must leave phone on kitchen bench before bed. But instead of being up facebooking she will be up reading. Same problem she is still not getting enough sleep. DH has threatened to take her light bulbs out.

I will look into the PET stuff it looks interesting and it can't hurt to try.

I did not mean to call her a b**ch, I guess I was just venting so my apologies for that one I am just extremely frustrated and at the end of my tether. I would never say that to her. I'm dealing with a lot more than just her attitude, currently dealing with my own depression.

Don't know if I am scared or relieved to read others are dealing with similar issues with teens. I mean its great that her behaviour is in the realm of the norm but damn I have other kids and hope they don't follow her lead when they hit teenagerhood. Terrible twos they say, give me a 2 year old over a 13 yr old any day.

#15 EsmeLennox

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:35 PM

QUOTE
I am just tired of things like this being okay for some and not for others.


Context is everything.

#16 FiveAus

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:41 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 14/11/2012, 01:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That's a bit rough.  She's grown up now, and as you said yourself,  a nice person.  I would imagine it would be incredibly hard to be 13 and dealing with a step-dad.  Not an excuse to treat him poorly, but I don't imagine you did everything perfect either.


The other three kids dealt with being 13 and having a step dad just fine, including her sister. At no time did their attitude towards him get anywhere near hers. And you don't know the circumstances so you don't get to judge.

And no, I don't want her to come back and live with me. I'll be the first one to stand up and say that I did not enjoy being her parent for all of her teen years and at least two before she became a teenager.

#17 jadeann

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:43 PM

Currently bus to and from school is not an option, beleive me if it was she would be on that bus. It is a small school with students coming from all areas of the region that has been deemed too small to warrant a bus service, hopefully next year they will provide one, we are all lobbying for it.

Other than that she does get a lot of freedom, we let her out and about doing stuff with her friends on their own. She does occassionally cook and we are happy for her to do so any time she likes. Allowing her to and getting her to do things she loves is not a problem, its doing the other things she hates to do but are necessary. Its like her priorities are all stuffed up at the moment. Surely its not hard to spend 5 mins unpacking dishwasher then go enjoy a book without mum or dad nagging at you.

#18 unicorn

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:43 PM

Your post makes me sad, if this is the attitude you put across it's little wonder you are having dramas with her. You call her names, she's stroppy and b**chy, a smart a*se, a liar, lazy and she's not worth it, not to mention ungrateful and deceptive. Ouch. Time to take a step back and re evaluate your behaviour and see how that helps.
I have seen so many people whine about the problems they have with their teens, yet they seem to think being a parent is like winning some kind of battle. You guys are at war sad.gif Rubbing in how lazy she is and how much you do for her isn't doing you any favours.

Someone mentioned PET, great book. Worth looking at.

QUOTE (jadeann @ 14/11/2012, 12:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Long time member gone anon for privacy reasons...

I'm at my wits end with my 13 year old dd. I just don't now what to do with her behaviour and her bad attitude and would appreciate any advice.

She is lazy, will not complete chores and she only has one basic chore that is to unpack dishwasher, other chores are punishments and she doesn't do them. She doesn't pick up after herself and this morning dh discovered her sanitary bin overflowing with dirty pads shoved behind it, we have a toddler ffs this is not on! She has exams coming up doesn't bother studying, regularly doesn't do her homework. Everything is such an effort for her, she has no work ethic. She has forever got her head stuck in a book.

She is a smartarse, mouthy, stroppy and b**chy. Always mouthing off at her younger brother, yelling at him calling him a moron and will yell at me when I pull her up on it. She often hurts her 6 year old brother lashing out at him seeing it as her duty to punish him. Yes he does antagonise her and I do my best to deal with it but it is hard to punish him when shes has decided that if he hurts her she will hurt him 10 times worse and I am dealing with a crying injured 6 year old.

She is a liar, I swear she thinks we are stupid she lied about cutting her hair, she lies so much I have lost any trust I had in her.

She is ungrateful, the amount of time and money we spend on her activities is well quite a lot and we get it thrown in our faces. She goes to a private girls school which she hates because they are really strict and she wants to go to a school with boys because she wants a boyfriend she thinks it is tragic she is 13 and still not had a boyfriend. She does a lot of sports and youth group and has plenty of contact with boys just "no hot ones". We don't want her going to the local public high school it is very rough and their are girls she had issues with in primary school attending that will in their words 'make her life a living hell" I spend 10+ hrs a week just doing the school commute for her. Add another 15 - 20 hrs of chauffering her ungrateful a*se around to her sports and activities and take in to consideration my other 2 kids and it is fecking exhausting.

She is sneaky and deceptive, she will be sent to bed at 9pm and reads for a while and knows its lights out by 9.30 but she has been known to be up well past midnight on her phone or reading and when she is busted she will lie about it. She goes onto websites she is not allowed to and again lies about it. She is always staying up too late and as a result waking up with too little sleep and being an even more tired and cranky b**ch than usual.

She is defiant and rebellious, she will deliberately break school rules or rules at home just to see how far she can push it.

That is a brief summary of her behaviour, I could keep going on and on....I am just over her. We do so much for her and make sacrifices for her because she is our daughter, we love her and think she is worth it. We still love her but starting to think she is not so much worth it now. We have been disclipling her, tried many approaches. I have tried sitting down and having a mature talk to her, have tried letting her choose her own punishments, have tried to reward good behaviour. We have given her various punishments at different stages including;

Taken away her smart phone and given her a 'dumb' old style that does nothing but make calls and sms no internet.

Taken away her pc and internet access, changed our router password so she can no longer access it only under strict supervision for school work.

Taken away her tv.

Refused to take her to certain activities using the excuse 'I can't be bothered' or 'I have better stuff to do' giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Given her extra chores, eg. if shes doesn't unpack dishwasher then she will have to load it as well.

Grounded her.

Taken her door off the hinges.

Nothing seems to work she will behave for a while to get what she wants then revert back to her bad behaviour and attitude. No matter what we take from her she will find something else to distract herself with. It is not unusual for her to when she is supposed to be doing something take a book and go lock herself in the toilet for an hour here and there. I just don't know what is left to discipline her with. I can't see many options left, I could take her books and activities away but is that a bit too harsh? Even prisoners get to have these. I've even broken down in front of her and completely lost it. That changed her behaviour that night... until the next day. I'm on the verge of pulling her our of her school enrolling her in the local high school and telling her here you go this is what you wanted now fend for yourself. I've thought of cutting out all her activities and telling her you want to go then you take yourself there and pay for it yourself. I've just had enough mad.gif I love my daughter but don't like her very much at the moment.



#19 miriams

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:47 PM

She didn't say that she is calling her daughter those things to her face though. Just venting about those characteristics here to us. I don't think it's unreasonable to call her ungrateful, stroppy etc if she is actually being those things.

#20 Rosie R

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:47 PM

This sounds very similar to what DH and I experienced with DSD when she was 12/13 years old.  You certainly have my sympathy.  They can be really horrible and it is really difficult when they start being violent towards their siblings.  Unfortunately, it all sounds pretty common for her age.

It sounds like she has it pretty good and I identify with your frustrations of providing her the best you possibly can just to have her be very ungratful.

We don't allow phones or electronic equipment to go to bed with the kids.  We don't think they need it.  If they have their phone, IPOD, PC available 24/7 when is their wind down time?  I'm not sure if you've noticed the anxiety attached to those devices when your child (or even an adult) is waiting for a message etc.

I'm not sure what kind of books she's reading but if you approve of the content then I'd be letting her read till her heart's content. My DSD buries herself in books often and when it comes down to it, they may not be communicating so much with you but at least they are doing something constructive and while they are reading they aren't being mean to anyone.

Sounds like she could do with a little more responsibility.  I've got 2 kids under 10 in our house and they unpack the dishwasher and they each have another chore appropriate to their ages.  

As for the extra curricular activities, I understand that it's difficult to see that money get spent on someone that is so ungrateful, but if she wasn't doing these activities what would she be doing?  Possibly either doing your head in at home or hanging our down the street or at the park with other kids and getting into mischief.  I tend to think the busier they are the better.  

Private school means a lot of money for someone who isn't making the most of the education but she is only 13 and she has a couple of years before not doing homework is really going to impact whether she passes or fails.  You can only keep on her about her homework and set good examples and hope she will come out the other side of this stage understanding where she needs to pick up.  

Stay strong, keep believing in yourself as a parent.  At the end of the day, you are the parent, she is the child and as much as she thinks she knows everything, she doesn't.  

Good luck!  bbighug.gif

#21 steppy

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:52 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 14/11/2012, 01:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So you're going to punish her for the rest of her life?


How is it 'punishing' a 23 year old to not want to live with her anymore? Sometimes people just don't get on living together - probably more of a punishment for this girl to live at home than to not.

#22 FiveAus

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:52 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 14/11/2012, 01:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So you're going to punish her for the rest of her life?


I'm not punishing her. I just don't want to live with her. She is 23, she has her own very busy and fulfilling life and I'm sure she wouldn't want to live with me either.

#23 Yomumma

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:56 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 14/11/2012, 01:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We cheered when she moved out, and now at 23 she is actually a really nice person. And has complete memory loss of what she was like as a teenager. I haven't though, and under no circumstances do I ever want her living back with me.


Off topic but that's a bit harsh! You said she is a nice person now? I know I was like the Op's and your daughter as a teen but we rarely stay that way!

Edited by Yomumma, 14 November 2012 - 01:16 PM.


#24 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:57 PM

Agree with Badcat.
It sounds like you've given her way too much - tv's, smartphones, pc and internet access, chauffering her around everywhere, she probably expects it, doesn't appreciate it and knows she can act any way she likes.  You said yourself that you take the stuff away, she's okay for a bit then reverts to the same behaviour when she has them back.

Those things are all privileges in our house, they do the right things by the family (treat each other with respect, treat their belongs with respect, look after their pets etc) then they get to use those things in moderation.

Keep in mind teens need your love most when they least deserve it, be kind and friendly but firm, stand your ground and she will have to start respecting things and you a little more or she simply wont get what she wants.  She's 13 not 19 she's a child, so you have to stand up and parent in a tough loving way, you can't brush it off as 'teen behaviour' and let her get away with it.




#25 steppy

Posted 14 November 2012 - 01:02 PM

OP, your daughter has no idea how to appreciate anything at the moment. I think what you have done so far is fine and I would stick with it. Don't take her books away, but don't give her pocket money either. There is such a thing as a library at her school. Take her smart phone and keep it for yourself or bury it in your shed or wardrobe - your daughter can earn those kinds of things back over time when she is showing herself to be more responsible. Give her a prepaid and just don't give her money for it when she is misbehaving. Same with internet - no internet if she is misbehaving.

She has a lot of privileges. If you sit and negotiate with her, negotiate for what she will do to get things back, not what she will do to get MORE things.

Don't be her friend. You are doing a good job and doing a lot for her that friends just do not do or care about. She needs a parent - she's probably got plenty of friends. I think your biggest problem really is that she has so much without having to do anything to get it and the power is going to her head. She needs to learn how to rein those feelings in. I would be looking into your student exchange program if you can afford to do that.

Edited by steppy, 14 November 2012 - 01:08 PM.





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Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

Win with The Boxtrolls

To celebrate the release of The Boxtrolls on 3D Blu-ray, DVD & Digital with UltraViolet, we're giving you the chance to win a Boxtroll stationary package and DVD.

 

School Term 1

Get after-school care sorted

Wait lists too long at OSHC? Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
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