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Do you think this is rude?

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26 replies to this topic

#1 luke's mummu

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:14 PM

My Mum, dad and I were invited to a family friend's 40th birthday. My husband and kids were not invited, so I have decided no to go (weekends are very rare for us all to be home together).

My Mum asked what she would write on the RSVP card. I said just that I am unable to attend.My Mum and dad both said "How rude! We have to write a reason". I said no I have had several kids birthday parties over the last few years were people have declined and not given a reason. So she wants to lie on the card and say I am working when I am not.

Unlikely the birthday girl will find out but who is right? Is it rude to decline an invite and not say why?

#2 bluedragon

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:16 PM

Nothing wrong with just stating you're unable to attend, why does the host need to know the reason?

It will be far worse if your parents lie and the host finds out about the lie!!

#3 FeralFerretOfDoom

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:17 PM

No, I don't see why you need to justify yourself.

#4 casime

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:17 PM

No reason needed, as long as you actually RSVP.

#5 bakesgirls

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:18 PM

Not rude at all IMO. If the answer is no, then it's no. Knowing the reason isn't going to change the outcome. Your reasons are nobody elses business.

#6 Dionysus

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:19 PM

Agree with the others.  No need to give a reason.

If your mother is hell-bent on giving a reason, though, tell her to tell the truth

#7 Z-girls rock

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:22 PM

I think it is fine to just decline.

BUT that easy to do if you are declining and then not going.

your mum and dad are worried because YOU are declining and THEY are going. now all night people will say "oh where is luke's mummu?" or "is luke's mummu ok? we thought she would be here..." etc etc
So I guess they figure they will need to say something at some point anyway.

I agree it is rude to lie about why you are not there. But  guess they dont want to be put in the position of saying "she just didnt want to come"

#8 mivimummy

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:23 PM

I have never included a reason on an RSVP card.  

Maybe if I see or speak to the person I will let them know my reason, but otherwise, I always thought a simple attending/not attending was all required.

#9 PrincessPeach

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:28 PM

I actually think it is odd that they only invited you, but not your DH at least (i kind of understand the no kids).

However it is not rude to decline an invitation without a reason.

#10 Littleone84

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:28 PM

If your mum feels the need to give a reason, just tell the truth.

"my daughter has been busy and would like to spend some time with her family".

#11 Guest_- Poppy -_*

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:28 PM

I dont think its rude at all.

Id just say thanks for the invite, I am not able to attend.

Not RSVPing now that is frickn rude!!

#12 fionah

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:29 PM

No reason required when RSVPing but why wouldn't they just say that you were spending a rare weekend at home with your immediate family? That's not rude.


#13 mum201

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:31 PM

You aren't being rude at all. Never heard of having to state a reason. If your mum wants a reason then get her to write the real reason
Personally I think it's far ruder not to include the invite to someone's spouse

#14 MrsLexiK

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:32 PM

QUOTE (Z-girls rock @ 13/11/2012, 04:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it is fine to just decline.

BUT that easy to do if you are declining and then not going.

your mum and dad are worried because YOU are declining and THEY are going. now all night people will say "oh where is luke's mummu?" or "is luke's mummu ok? we thought she would be here..." etc etc
So I guess they figure they will need to say something at some point anyway.

I agree it is rude to lie about why you are not there. But  guess they dont want to be put in the position of saying "she just didnt want to come"

If DH and I both don't go we don't normally provide a reason (though sometimes will) if only one goes we will say why the other is not going for.

#15 JKTMum

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:38 PM

I just had a family wedding to attend a few weeks ago. DH and I were invited, the kids were not, and all our extended family was invited (my parents and sisters and their spouses, their kids are all adults, not invited but dont live close by, DH has no family living closer than 5 hours drive away). As it was a Sunday afternoon/evening wedding on a long weekend we didnt have anyone to mind the kids (DS would have been fine on his own, but DD1 has additional needs and requires adult supervision, leaving her with DS would have resulted in WW3 and a lot of stress for both  rolleyes.gif . she needs to know and trust who she stays with, this particular weekend, no-one suitable was available). In the end I replied that I would be attending but DH would not be due to having no-one to mind DD1 and DD2. I suppose I wouldnt have given a reason if both of us werent attending, but I did because only I was attending and DH was not.

#16 Tigerdog

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:46 PM

now all night people will say "oh where is luke's mummu?" or "is luke's mummu ok? we thought she would be here..." etc etc

How will they?  I find it odd that a grown woman with a family of her own would be invited to a do with her own parents and not her own family in the first place.  Much odder if she were to go than if she weren't - how would any other guest even know she was invited anyway, wouldn't they just assume either a) she wasn't on the invite as she's now branched off and had her own family or b) her whole family was invited (ie. hubby and kids too) and none of them could make it.

I'm with the OP on this one, once you make a family of your own you're a package deal, it isn't on to just invite one person and not their partner at least and kids if it's a kid-friendly event.

#17 bryce's-mummy

Posted 13 November 2012 - 03:51 PM

No you don't need to give a reason. On wedding returns you just usually tick a box. There isn't a section to say "reason why not attending"!!

If they want to know why- they'll ask. Other than that- no ones business wink.gif

Edited by bryce's-mummy, 13 November 2012 - 03:51 PM.

#18 jessie123

Posted 13 November 2012 - 04:03 PM

I have never even thought about writing a reason I don't think it is expected. The only time I would give a reason is if I was speaking to the person directly.

#19 vanessa71

Posted 13 November 2012 - 04:24 PM

I have never known anyone to state a reason for why they can't attend an event, it's definitely not rude. What is rude and poor etiquette is not receiving your own invitation, which should have included your husband.

When I sent out my weeding invitations, I could have sent one to the entire XYZ family, however, I didn't, one went to the parents and as the children were both over 18 (even though still living with mum and dad) they each got their own invitation.

#20 Kwyjibo

Posted 13 November 2012 - 04:32 PM

Your parents are being unreasonable.

#21 frizzle

Posted 13 November 2012 - 04:34 PM

Can you do one RSVP for your parents and one inability from you, separate replies. Then just do your own and tell your folks not to worry you have taken care of it.

#22 CallMeFeral

Posted 13 November 2012 - 11:04 PM

Not rude in that case.
If it was my best friend not making it to a major milestone birthday or something, I'd expect a bit more than 'can't come', but not in just a normal situation.

#23 Swarley

Posted 14 November 2012 - 06:31 AM

Not rude at all, and if they get asked... They could just go with the truth which isn't at all offensive either!

#24 blenheim

Posted 14 November 2012 - 06:38 AM

I'd just RSVP on your own and tell your Mum you've already said you're not going - and you def don't have to give you a reason - ask your Mum if she's ever seen an RSVP note with a section for a reason?

#25 chic mummy

Posted 14 November 2012 - 07:13 AM

not rude an RSVP (to me) is a simple " i can make it see you there" or " sorry i have to miss this one"

no need for a reason. if it makes you feel better my mum has the habit of just wanting to let other people know our lives so if we can't go somewhere its not just a usual they were busy, or they had something else on it usually is a full on detailed explanation of why we're not their and what else we were doing mad.gif


p.s maybe your mum is a like mine and feels the need to have to explain everything in fear she'll look bad.

Edited by misslizzie, 14 November 2012 - 07:15 AM.

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