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What does your husband do?
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#1 bryce's-mummy

Posted 12 November 2012 - 10:52 PM

We have been married for 4 and a half years. I have been unhappy the last three years that I can remember sad.gif Mainly because I feel like he takes me for granted, does very little around the house to help and is very snappy at me (I often feel more like a sister than his wife as that's how he treats me).

I am unsure of how I feel about our marriage (or even if I love him) as so many other people (friends, family, counsellor, psychologist) have given different advice and opinions. I am tired. I am over it all!

Every time we have an argument he has major attitude. At our next counselling session (about every two - four weeks) he will admit that he was more than half the problem. I am not pretending I am not part of the problem - I know I am far from perfect and at least he admits fault which I give him credit for- but that doesn't seem to change anything. I am trying hard to support him- but it all blows up in my face and I now feel like I have no more energy left to give. I am just exhausted.

Just a little scenario that happened over the weekend: I was tired as me and the kids had been to DS's schoolfriends bday party at the park (30 plus degrees), I had also cleaned the house, cooked tea and I had got DD bathed and in her PJ's. I merely asked DH after tea if he could wash the dishes for me, saying something like "please Hun can you wash the dishes for me?". He answers back quite sternly "No!" So then we argued- again! Not about the dishes. But at the fact that he doesn't do anything to help me (including picking up his dirty laundry off the floors, tidying up his own mess etc). I do EVERYTHING! Even stuff that was agreed were "his jobs"- mowing lawn, picking up dog poo  sick.gif , he rarely does. I am now at a loss for what to do.

Some people suggest doing absolutely nothing for him (in the past I have let his clothes build up to the size of Mt Everest)- doesn't bother him in the least but yet makes our bedroom look like a dump. A family member suggest I don't cook him any meals- but I don't think that is fair. Plus when I mentioned this to the counsellor he said that by [not] doing these such things would be seen as a negative in DH's eyes and could make things even worse for us. But I really don't know what to do.

What does your DH do- and what can I do from here? I am losing all hope.

Edited by bryce's-mummy, 20 November 2012 - 08:24 PM.


#2 ChickenortheEgg?

Posted 12 November 2012 - 11:13 PM

Walk out the door with the kids and stay with family / friends for a week.

#3 *LucyE*

Posted 12 November 2012 - 11:16 PM

QUOTE
What does your DH do- and what can I do from here?

My DH treats me with a lot of respect and consideration, but due to his work, most of the time he does very little domestic chores/tasks.

He isn't unwilling so much as just not physically present.  Or when he is, he is often preoccupied with work, or exhausted.  He helps when he can though.  And I know that he does appreciate all that I do for our family.

In practical terms, that means I do all the washing/drying/ironing/folding/putting away.  All the meal planning/prep and shopping.  Most of the household cleaning (other than the once a week cleaners).  Nearly all the children related school and extra curricula activities is up to me.  All the baby care.  Until we got some help, I also did most of the yard maintenance (and for a while, that included mowing).  I am still the only person who does the dog's poo patrol.  

The difference is, that we are working together.  We just have different jobs and roles in our partnership to make it work.  We have a shared long term plan and we have steps that we need to take to reach it.  Not everyday is fun and filled with unicorns.  It's hard, it takes effort but it does feel worth it.

I don't know what advice to give to you, but from the sounds of it, it's less about your DH but how YOU feel.  What do you want out of life?

#4 Ducky*Fuzz

Posted 12 November 2012 - 11:16 PM

My husband does an awesome job - he does a hell of a lot around the house, mostly because he's a neat freak and piles of stuff don't bother me.  I know where everything is and it reminds me to finish things.

I know it doesn't sound very constructive but do him one last thing and pack his bags.  Sorry but I don't think he's going to change.

Edited by ~*MESS*~, 12 November 2012 - 11:17 PM.


#5 galba

Posted 12 November 2012 - 11:25 PM


TBH he's zoned out of the relationship - I can't think of any occasion where a family member/friend/child/husband has said 'No!" when I've asked them to help me do something  

Does he want to continue the relationship?  He's going to counseling but what does he want out of it?  

Are there any sparks there that you think you can rekindle?  Do you want to?  If he was to turn around and help you - would that be enough or do you want more than that, something that he's unable to give you.

I wouldn't be leaving until I had given the relationship a chance to change - only you will know when that time is.



#6 WYSIWYG

Posted 12 November 2012 - 11:28 PM

DF does quite a bit - laundry (including ironing), vacuuming and mopping, cleans the cars, all the yard work (except mowing, we hire someone to do that), he washes dishes when/if he is home, washes the shower/toilet/bath/sinks. He is really good, but lived alone for a number of years so has had a lot of practice.

It sounds like you can do a lot better, and that you deserve a lot better. You seem to already know this, and you don't sound like you are happy at all. I wouldn't stick around any longer. I'd either get him to move out, or you move out with the kids.

#7 mumto4boys

Posted 12 November 2012 - 11:34 PM

I really think that you need to increase the frequency of your counselling sessions.

Knowing just a little of your story and how much you have been through over the last ten years, the extra stress you have both faced, it is no surprise that thing are rocky.

The death of a child would have to be one of the worst things any parent could go through. Losing your darling Bryce, well, just getting out of bed would be a challenge many days.

I say this not to excuse his laziness, but the way that you two have lost your connection and need to find it again, it is beyond the ordinary husband and wife battle over housework.

I know that finances are also an issue but if there is any way you could see the counsellor more often then I'd be trying that before walking out.

I truly hope that you can both find your way back to each other.


#8 ~shannon~

Posted 12 November 2012 - 11:53 PM

I agree with mumto4boys. More counselling may help, as well as some time out for just the two of you (if you can get a babysitter or if you have relatives who can take the kids for a weekend) to try and reconnect again.
It sounds like he is stewing with resentment or anger, or something, to not even want to help you and is snappy at you. That's not a healthy relationship.

In my younger days I would have said "give him a taste of his own medicine" but I don't believe that anymore. Fighting fire with fire won't work. There has to be some better communication between you both to be able to see where the problems lie and to work on them. This is where the counsellor can help by giving you both an unbiased viewpoint as well as help you work out the issues without it ending in an argument (which is what may happen at home when you're trying to work things out on your own).

Good luck OP... it's a tough place you are in right now, but try not to lose hope.

#9 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 13 November 2012 - 12:32 AM

I pretty much agree with Tamm.  I'm not sure that I would be busting a gut to fix this.  He needs to up his act.  Both of you lost a child.

#10 Mum2TwoDSs

Posted 13 November 2012 - 12:57 AM

My DH does housework, even though he rather sit around and watch tele or use the computer. He actually does a lot - take the trash out, lots of them, we have got many bins around the house, mow the lawn, feed the dog, pick dog poo, feed the worm farm, bathe our elder boy when asked, load n unload dishwasher, read to our elder boy, change bubs nappy, feed bub, clear the table after meals, buy grocery, wash the car occasionally, water the garden, feed the fish, vacuuming, mopping, fixing things here and there at my asking etc etc etc...show this to your hubby.

He still doesn't like to make his bed. I think I shouldn't complain now.

I just taught him how to wash n sterilise milk bottles (got him rolling his eyeballs though), put clothes into the washer, sort out some laundry.

My elder boy is expected to help with some easy chores too.

Everyone in the family should.

Maybe get the children involved then get them to get their dad involved? But if you stop doing things it feels revengeful to me.

Edited by Mum2TwoDSs, 13 November 2012 - 12:59 AM.


#11 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 13 November 2012 - 02:23 AM

my DH well and truly does his share around the house (the 'rule' is noone relaxes until everything is done) and with the kids.
he has his moments, but I think they are largely due to depression as he lost his mum after a long illness recently.

If counselling isnt helping Id consider leaving

#12 LookMumNoHands

Posted 13 November 2012 - 04:51 AM

How much longer can you live like this?

If your marriage has been like this for three years, and counselling hasn't been working to improve it, then I would be leaving him.



#13 CupOfCoffee

Posted 13 November 2012 - 05:16 AM

I would also be concerned if counselling has not worked and these behaviours have continued for such a long time.

While my husband rarely notices that chores need to be done (drives me crazy sometimes) he does do them when I ask.  (If he is busy at that time, he will tell me he will do them after he is finished).

I hope you find a way through and there is a good outcome soon.  3 years is a long time to be unhappy.

#14 MrsLexiK

Posted 13 November 2012 - 05:35 AM

Are you having separate counciling? I'm not trying to make excuses for him at all but I agree with mumof4boys that he sounds angry at life and who could blame either of you. I haven't been around here long but have read some I'd your posts in that time. When a child is seriously ill and dies it changes the goal posts from "normal relationship household chores war" The hardest time for people I know have gone through this isn't up to a few months like with a lot of deaths. It is the 6 months, 12 months when each parent is still aching even more and needs their spouse to grieve they way they are. Watching others go through this there seems to be a lot where one half of the parent needs to be away from the family unit, to distance themselves from the hurt. The other half needs to be around the family unit to help them through.

I don't think me saying my DH does most of the work around the house (as he gets home earlier) with agreement that when I am home I will do it. Because my DH and I are not trying to work through that grief as well.

#15 BeakyHoneyButt

Posted 13 November 2012 - 05:36 AM

It's pretty much 50/50 here.We both work part time, our youngest isn't in care. It's never something we set up. Whoever is home does housework if we are home and looks after DD, does school bus duty etc etc.
Before that i was a SAhm, and DH worked FT, i did most house/kid stuff then, but he would still help cook, hang out washing sometimes etc etc. I feel very lucky  original.gif

#16 jai*

Posted 13 November 2012 - 06:01 AM

At the next counselling session - be honest and tell him that you've had enough. That he either accepts his share of responsibility around the house (and does something about it) and helps to work on your relationship, otherwise you are both just wasting each other's time and happiness. Not to mention how it might be affecting the kids.

I've definitely gone through the "feeling like a sister" phase, just living with each other and going through the motions and bickering - and every time I've sat DH down and said this is how I've been feeling for a couple of weeks, he does a complete 180 and works on fixing things (and I do too!).

There is no excuse for him just flat out saying no when you clearly need some help/a break.

#17 Clorox_Girl

Posted 13 November 2012 - 06:32 AM

My husband does anything and everything. And works long hours.

But I would never be with a man that wasn't like that in the first place.

Did he ever pull his weight around the house or has he always been lazy?

#18 Dylan's Mummy

Posted 13 November 2012 - 06:34 AM

Mine doesn't do much around the house. He has tunnel vision when it comes to these things.  He used to do the washing up after dinner but rarely does any more, sometimes when I start doing the washing up he will call (from using the iPad n the lounge) that he will do it, but he doesn't and I end up having to do it later, which I hate.  

I have to me the one who has to tell my SS what to do all the time because husband is just using the iPad or his mobile.  He never notice that it is SS bed time or that SS goes to bed without cleaning his teeth or going to the toilet, I have to be the one to do this. He never notices that SS is doing things he shouldn't be and never notices that he hardly ever uses cutlery whEn eating dinner. It's very frustrating and SS just argues with me when I have to be the one to tell him what to do all of the time because he never sees his Dad telling him what to do so he must think it's ok to just do whatever he wants.

When ever I dare to suggest that husband do something he just says "I've been at work all day"  ( I'm currently on maternity leave) and I say that I don't get to relax until about 8pm yet he gets home and sits around playing with his phone/iPad.

Just this week hs has washed up twice. A few weeks ago he actually acknowledged that being at home looking after a baby isn't just me sitting around doing nothing, it's exhausting, but it hasn't changed his attitude at all. He also has copped a bit of the attitude from his son (mySS) and gets really angry at him, I just say "this is what I put up with every day".

Nothing happens in this house unless I make it happen, I have to think for everyone and remind them of what to do.

The thing is that husband complains that we don't have sex as often as we used to, I just say I'm tired. But he just doesn't get it. If he just pulled his weight a bit, I wouldn't feel so exhausted and would have more energy for other things. Sometimes I just feel a bit resentful towards him.

I know how you feel about feeling like a sister. I feel like a house keeper or nanny, or perhaps his mother.

Edited by Dylan's Mummy, 13 November 2012 - 06:38 AM.


#19 ~spirited~

Posted 13 November 2012 - 06:39 AM

My DH does his fair share. On top of working long hours (he is usually gone 7-7 on weekdays) he clears up after dinner (does dishes/stacks dishwasher), looks after all the outdoor maintenance (gardening, mowing, cleans up after chickens), washes the car, and all the handy man stuff. This leaves me with all the inside cleaning, shopping and cooking, and washing, and all the baby care mon-fri (he does weekend baths and nappies and meals). I open the mail and give him the bills, he pays them, I file them away.

Moving from a 2 bed 1 bath unit to a 3 bed 2 bath house with a big garden has increased both of our workloads. He used to do more inside in the unit (bathroom and sweeping). But if I have had a long, hard day with DS he will cook me dinner, or go and get some take away, and if I ask him to do something for me he does it.

Neither of us make the bed, and he still leaves his dirty washing lying around (or in his bag). I've given up on that one. At least it's generally in our room now, not the bathroom.

Him saying no to you, after you've had a hard day, it really not cool. A marriage should be a partnership, and it doesn't sound like he is much of a team player at the moment. Either he is just a lazy sod, or he is depressed. Either way, 3 years of counselling, and no progress on the matter, is concerning. He needs to change is behaviour, and to do this he has to want to change it.

It doesn't sound like a happy place for you to I hope things change, OP, or that you do what's best for you xx

#20 JustBeige

Posted 13 November 2012 - 06:45 AM

Honestly, I would leave.
but it would be based on his answer to my question of Why.

When he says No to my request, I would ask Why? If he shrugs; walks away; says because I dont want to..... anything like that then he or I would be gone.  

If he says, I'm in the middle of doing xyz for work and it was true,  then I might cut him some slack.

TBH, I'm a 'go to counselling ' person, but from what I have read of what you both have gone through over the last few years, you do sound like you would both be happier apart.

GL

#21 Sancti-mummy

Posted 13 November 2012 - 06:57 AM

BM, it doesn't matter what our husbands do or don't do in the grand scheme of things - we all have different lives and expectations.

That being said, you deserve respect and support, and in the instance that you used as an example, he gave you neither.

What outcomes do you get from the counselling?  Are you both given homework?  Does he do his, or is his going to counselling an act of begrudgement?

Perhaps it is time for both of you to work on your "expectations/desires" lists, and see if either of you have anything to offer on the other one's lists - perhaps it will, and this is the corner that you two needed to turn - or maybe it won't, and you can use counselling to move apart amicably.

But the bottom line is, together or separating - you BOTH deserve respect and support, and for your children's sakes the moves forward from here should have them as underlying tenets.

(Oh, and to answer the question - my husband is just finishing the washing up (1 stock pot) that he told me to leave last night as he was going to finish it.  I knew he would forget it last night - it is a recurring MO - so my decision to do so was more about the fact that I couldn't be bothered.  It used to upset me, now I am far more "in the grand scheme of things"...)

#22 Holidayromp

Posted 13 November 2012 - 07:00 AM

There is only so much counselling you can do.  If a marriage is dead it would be like flogging a dead horse and obviously a complete waste of time.

However I do like a pps suggestion of bringing up how unhappy you are in the marriage and that you have had enough and take it from there.  If there is no change beyond the counselling session then you are both wasting your time and happiness and it is time you both moved on from the the relationship (not that there is any anyway).

As for not washing his clothes - just buy a clothes hamper or some other storage option and throw all the clothing in there.  

I don't give a crap about negativity with regards to not doing things for him.  He acting like he is staying in a hotel.  He doesn't care.  Stop cooking him meals and sometimes a rumbling belly may be the catalyst to stir action.  I would not be prepared to do a damn thing for someone that couldn't care a fig about me or getting off his fat a*se to help out.  I don't care that he may have checked out of the marriage that does not give him the right to treat you like a slave.



#23 LookMumNoHands

Posted 13 November 2012 - 07:19 AM

QUOTE (suziej @ 13/11/2012, 07:57 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
BM, it doesn't matter what our husbands do or don't do in the grand scheme of things - we all have different lives and expectations.

That being said, you deserve respect and support, and in the instance that you used as an example, he gave you neither.

What outcomes do you get from the counselling?  Are you both given homework?  Does he do his, or is his going to counselling an act of begrudgement?

Perhaps it is time for both of you to work on your "expectations/desires" lists, and see if either of you have anything to offer on the other one's lists - perhaps it will, and this is the corner that you two needed to turn - or maybe it won't, and you can use counselling to move apart amicably.

But the bottom line is, together or separating - you BOTH deserve respect and support, and for your children's sakes the moves forward from here should have them as underlying tenets.

(Oh, and to answer the question - my husband is just finishing the washing up (1 stock pot) that he told me to leave last night as he was going to finish it.  I knew he would forget it last night - it is a recurring MO - so my decision to do so was more about the fact that I couldn't be bothered.  It used to upset me, now I am far more "in the grand scheme of things"...)


Couldn't agree more with the bolded bit of suziej's post.

Some women are quite happy taking on all the household chores, and wouldn't even ask for their husbands help. Others are the total opposite.
That's why I didn't post all the things my DH does around the house. Reading what other husbands do is not going to make you feel any better  sad.gif .

What it boils down to is what YOU need from the relationship. A marriage should be based on mutual respect, amongst other things. Is he showing you the respect you deserve? Is it possible that he will ever change?

I really feel for you OP, and I hope you can find some happiness  bbighug.gif




#24 Kay1

Posted 13 November 2012 - 07:32 AM

MY DH also works very long hours in a demanding job. He does minimal house work. But he would never say no to something I ask him to do. He accepts that he just doesn't notice when things need to be done and, particularly on the weekend, I will just ask him.

We have discussions about this regularly. He has said that he needs specific jobs that never change as that's just how he works. So we agreed on a few things he will do, a couple of daily chores, some weekend jobs etc and he now does them. Makes me feel much better as I'm not doing 100%.

But it sounds like there are much, much bigger issues at play here and frankly it sounds like you've gone to a lot of effort to improve things to no avail. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, it must be very lonely for you. sad.gif

#25 unicorn

Posted 13 November 2012 - 07:46 AM

QUOTE (LookMumNoHands @ 13/11/2012, 08:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Couldn't agree more with the bolded bit of suziej's post.

Some women are quite happy taking on all the household chores, and wouldn't even ask for their husbands help. Others are the total opposite.
That's why I didn't post all the things my DH does around the house. Reading what other husbands do is not going to make you feel any better  sad.gif .

What it boils down to is what YOU need from the relationship. A marriage should be based on mutual respect, amongst other things. Is he showing you the respect you deserve? Is it possible that he will ever change?

I really feel for you OP, and I hope you can find some happiness  bbighug.gif



Absolutely, it's what works for you. My DH doesn't do much in the way of domestic stuff, he can't manage to get his dirty clothes in the basket or put his clean ones away, and yes he leaves his dirty plate on the table. That is just how he is and I can whinge and b**ch until the cows come home but that isn't going to get me far so I don't let it bother me, he compensates, he pays for a cleaner each week, he does the outside work, he keeps the cars going, he makes sure there is enough money to pay the bills each week. BUT it works for us, there is no stress, we both get our needs met, it wouldn't suit a lot of people but we are for the most part happy with it.
If you feel that he isn't willing to meet your needs then I think you have your answer. You have enough on your plate without carrying him too.





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