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over the top or suitable punishment


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#1 imamumto3

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:20 PM

the in laws were minding the kids last night at our house.

at bath time mil got dd2 out and then told dd1 that she was next, then ds.  dd1 (4) not wanting ds to be last out pulled the plug and hid it under toys so that ds would have to get out at the same time.  ds got upset (he was tired as he had been at a party all day) and cried.  mil told dd that she was a very naughty girl for doing that, dressed her and put her to bed without a story and would not leave her light or radio on or give her the favourite toy that she always takes to bed.  

ds told me this morning that dd was crying throughout it all and she was still upset this morning.  mil is meant to be having the kids tomorrow while I'm at an appointment, but dd is saying she doesn't want to go to her.

I think the punishment was a bit harsh, but WDYT?  also do I give in and see if I can get someone else to mind the kids tomorrow or do I make dd go to mils?

#2 -*meh*-

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:24 PM

i think the punishment was harsh....

if it had of been bed without a story then it would have been fine..

but if your daughter normally sleeps with her toy with a light on then that is cruel...

i would explain to DD that she needs to go to MIL's but that you will talk to MIL that it won't happen again.

#3 ~~~

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:25 PM

At first glance, and knowing 4 year olds, I would have skipped the story but the other things sound like they are security things for bedtime, so seems a little OTT. Have you spoken to your MIL about it or do you both normally have similar discipline ideas?

#4 mad madam mim

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:25 PM

I would still take her to MILs but just ask that she not be so harsh next time, I think no story and straight to bed would have been plenty, not letting her have the light on (especially if she is scared of the dark) is too much, she needs a consequence yes but scaring her shouldn't be one of them.

#5 Swahili

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:27 PM

No story is reasonable, not allowing a night light or favourite toy is not.

#6 Splodge83

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:30 PM

QUOTE (Swahili @ 12/11/2012, 01:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No story is reasonable, not allowing a night light or favourite toy is not.

Agree with this

#7 2xpink

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:30 PM

I would have a word to mil - my six year old DD would be inconsolable if she was made to go to bed without her security toy and a night light.  She would cope without a story - that is a common punishment in our house if they mess around at bed time.

I don't believe children should be made go without the things that make them feel secure.  

I would take her to mil - because if she gets to go somewhere else it might build her aversion to going to mil's.  Explain to her that you will ask mil not to do this again.

#8 belindarama

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:30 PM

No story is fine. That is standard consequence at our house for monkey tricks with bath or dressing before bed. It is hard wrangling 3 at once by yourself. I do this sometimes when my 2 year old niece comes to us so you need some way to keep them in line at that time as it has potential to be dangerous.

However, sleep associations are off limits to me. For the most part we are the ones who have created those habits they are reliant on. It is cruel to take then away and expect the child to moderate their reaction and emotions when distressed by their removal.

#9 mumto3princesses

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:33 PM

QUOTE (Swahili @ 12/11/2012, 01:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No story is reasonable, not allowing a night light or favourite toy is not.


This.

Even one of my 9yr old twins still needs a security toy for bed and likes the bedside light on for a short time.

#10 meggs1

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:34 PM

QUOTE (belindarama @ 12/11/2012, 01:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
However, sleep associations are off limits to me. For the most part we are the ones who have created those habits they are reliant on. It is cruel to take then away and expect the child to moderate their reaction and emotions when distressed by their removal.


I agree.

#11 steppy

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:40 PM

I would still take her to MIL but say to MIL that you don't want your daughter to go to sleep frightened so could she please not turn the light off in future. (And I would not tell her this in your children's hearing)

Edited by steppy, 12 November 2012 - 12:41 PM.


#12 nom de plume

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:49 PM

I kind of admire your MIL for following through with all the punishment.  My kids would have gone ballistic if they didn't get night lights, etc.  No one would have got any peace.

Whilst I think the punishment was a little excessive, I would just tell my DD that that was MIL's punishment and if she plays up at her house then she's got to accept the consequenes.  Grandma's house - Grandma's rules (within reason of course).

I personally would be careful about undermining your MIL's methods, especially if you want the bonus of her minding your children.

#13 Tobias'smum

Posted 12 November 2012 - 12:56 PM

no story is ok but as for the light and the security toy its like telling an dult that they have to go to bed with all the doors and windows of the house open no adult would feel safe sleeping like that so why should a child .

I agree punishments t grandmas house can be different but there are guidelines that you set that should be followed ie what is off limits

#14 Fluster

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:07 PM

QUOTE (nom de plume @ 12/11/2012, 12:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I kind of admire your MIL for following through with all the punishment.  My kids would have gone ballistic if they didn't get night lights, etc.  No one would have got any peace.

Whilst I think the punishment was a little excessive, I would just tell my DD that that was MIL's punishment and if she plays up at her house then she's got to accept the consequenes.  Grandma's house - Grandma's rules (within reason of course).

I personally would be careful about undermining your MIL's methods, especially if you want the bonus of her minding your children.


I agree.

#15 kreme

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:08 PM

I think it is completely OTT. I wouldn't be happy about any "punishment" for that behaviour at all. I would expect the carer to tell my child they had behaved unkindly and that it was disappointing.
Removing security items and the nightlight is cruel and mean.

Edited by kreme, 12 November 2012 - 01:08 PM.


#16 Great Dame

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:22 PM

Way OTT.  That sort of behaviour wouldn't even be blip on my radar.  If you dole out such harsh punishment for one small deed, what on earth do you do for the big stuff?

Grandparents shouldn't be doling out punishment anyway.  They are for spoiling only.  I feel sad for your dd.

#17 tothebeach

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:33 PM

QUOTE
Grandparents shouldn't be doling out punishment anyway. They are for spoiling only. I feel sad for your dd.

If anyone is responsible for my child - daycare, grandparent etc, then I accept that they need to be able to discipline then to the extent that enables them to get cooperation.  In terms of grandparents, they are in loco parentis, if I have left the children with them so they have the same rights as I do to apply consequences.

In this case, I think that punishment is too harsh.  However, I would backup MIL to the kids and talk to her in private.  I would not make a big deal of it.

#18 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:33 PM

Why did she need to be punished in the first place? What your DD did is hardly worthy of punishment in my books. I would have just told her, her behaviour wasn't appropriate and left it at that.

But whatever, no story, fine. However, not letting her have her toy or night light is cruel and over the top.

#19 JustBeige

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:41 PM

QUOTE (Swahili @ 12/11/2012, 01:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No story is reasonable, not allowing a night light or favourite toy is not.

Agree.

I would also follow up with a conversation with DD about Grandmas house = grandmas rules.

TBH, It sounds like an 'end of tether' moment, especially if your MIL is normally really laid back with them.    

I would be having a conversation with her. I would tell her that bed without story is a suitable punishment, but you dont want her to take away the night time security things from the children.

#20 Great Dame

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:45 PM

What happened to the EB mantra "My child, MY rules"?  

I thought that was rule # 1 when dealing with mother-in-laws.

#21 Heffalump

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:46 PM

For a 4yo that is way over the top.  sad.gif  Even my 7.5yo would have just lost her bedtime reading time for something like that, and then only if it wasn't the first time she'd pulled a trick like that.  

I would have expected her to apologise to DS though and explain why what she did was wrong.

#22 MrsLexiK

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:48 PM

QUOTE (nom de plume @ 12/11/2012, 01:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I kind of admire your MIL for following through with all the punishment.  My kids would have gone ballistic if they didn't get night lights, etc.  No one would have got any peace.

Whilst I think the punishment was a little excessive, I would just tell my DD that that was MIL's punishment and if she plays up at her house then she's got to accept the consequenes.  Grandma's house - Grandma's rules (within reason of course).

I personally would be careful about undermining your MIL's methods, especially if you want the bonus of her minding your children.

I have to agree with this, but then I wasn't a child that needed a particular toy or light on to get to sleep.  Perhaps I would speak to my MIL if I had been one of those children (but I would still tell my child the above)  I know that if I was told no or punished I would just cry or beg "please, please no I will be good" once everyone stopped giving into me it didn't take me long to figure out no amount of begging, or crying would get me out of the punishment. The only thing that would irk me is if I had asked them not to smack my child and they said "ok" but did anyway.

#23 brangisnotaword

Posted 12 November 2012 - 01:58 PM

I don't know your MIL or the kind of relationship she has with your kids.  Plus I don't know how 'sensitive' your children are.

So, if I insert MY kids and MY MIL into the scenario then I'd be inclined to say:  "When in nanna's house, do what nanna says, and mind your manners".  Because they have a great relationship and she worships them and I know that that sort of incident wouldn't damage them, or their relationship in any way.

I'm not saying this from the point of view of a daughter in law who absolutely loves her MIL either.  She's nice enough, and we get along on a superficial level, but we're different, and not particularly close.

#24 Livsh

Posted 12 November 2012 - 03:33 PM

It's a real hard one...on one hand, she was at MIL's house and it's really up to MIL to decide on how she will manage them...on the other, it was a little mean!

I'm with others, I'd tell DD that when she is at MILs house she needs to do what is asked and then perhaps have a quiet chat with MIL about the nightlight issue. It's OTT and she does need to know that...perhaps you could say that DD told you she was too scared to go to MILs house because of the incident, that way it doesn't look like you are interferring!


#25 mum201

Posted 12 November 2012 - 03:51 PM

Personally I think the punishment was way OTT for a 4 year old. I definitely wouldn't have removed her security items as I agree with pp who said it's like forcing an adult to sleep with everything unlocked. Personally, I believe in gentle discipline and natural consequences, so mil's attitude wouldn't work for me.
Sounds like grandma had an adult tanty, lost her temper and finds coping with 3 at a time difficult.
Personally, I will go against the grain and wouldn't force her to go. I would encourage but not force.




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