Jump to content

Would you be annoyed?
or am I having an 'off' week


  • Please log in to reply
29 replies to this topic

#1 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 01:55 PM

A bit of background: I don't get on overly well with my family and really wouldn't have anything to do with them if I didn't have children. One of my brothers cut me loose as soon as we got my son's diagnosis. My parents are also incredibly racist (this bit will make sense soon)

My middle brother has a partner who is Indian and my parents can't stand her and do everything they can to avoid time with her. My family, brother and his partner all live in Adelaide. Partner's family lives very close to us in Melbourne.

Here comes the problem LOL: every time she comes to Melbourne she calls me. No problems there but it's always a 'I'm here come and catch up now' type text. My son has a complex medical condition and I have another child too. Every time she does that we have something on that literally can't be moved. For complicated reasons, she can't always come to us and we can't always just catch up quickly for a coffee. (I am being brief to get to the issue). So, last week she gave me a whole week's notice that she was coming over and that she would be around on Sunday afternoon. We are free this afternoon and this week I got a few offers of 'lets get together' from various people. Nope, keeping Sunday afternoon free. Yesterday I texted her to confirm that we were catching up. No reply. I called a couple of times this morning and left messages. No reply

Now, I am really miffed because we have been stuck home today waiting on a call and I am also annoyed because my brother pulled the 'Partner thinks you don't like her because you are never available' card. That is simply not true. I am not  my parents and don't care that she is Indian. My not catching up with her has nothing to do with that. I am annoyed though that there has been a total lack of communication from her end

So, wise people of EB flame away and tell me I am being silly original.gif



#2 sandgropergirl

Posted 11 November 2012 - 01:59 PM

No flames here, I would be narky too

#3 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:05 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'd probably explain to your brother and his partner how you feel, maybe they will understand a bit more? I think it's incredibly rude and frustrating that you had something planned and she has stood you up, and then your brother says they feel you don't like her for no other reason than because you have a life?

I had family that thought the world revolved around them (amongst other things) and the best thing I ever did was cut them loose. You touched on the fact that that's something you'd like to do but can't because you have children, in my case personally that gave me even more reason to cut them loose. Something to think about I guess, everyone's situations are different.

#4 opethmum

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:09 PM

I would tell your brother that you have made every effort to be available to her but due to lack of commitment and communication it makes it difficult to catch up. Also explain to him that due to your son's complex medical needs you will not be able to be spontaneous in catch ups not now or ever. Explain that you like said partner and love that you are with them and that poor communication on her part is the problem here. Leave it at that and if he has a tantrum about that then that is his choice. You cannot change your brother's partner and her lack of communication with you. You are not in the wrong here. Go about your life and if she decides to create drama and be a drama llama then so be it.


#5 JustBeige

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:21 PM

No flame here either.

I think I would be trying to call my brother to find out where the heck she is.   That way to, when you leave a message for him, he cant pass the blame all back on to you.

If he tries the 'Partner thinks you don't like her because you are never available' card., tell him that you do actually like her, but wont if she keeps trying to make herself more important than your very ill child.   I find reminding them bluntly that someone is actually dealing with real life and death crap helps.

#6 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:24 PM

QUOTE (opethmum @ 11/11/2012, 03:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would tell your brother that you have made every effort to be available to her but due to lack of commitment and communication it makes it difficult to catch up.



You are assuming I am dealing with rational people biggrin.gif  My family lives in a world where it is all about them all of the time. It's exhausting which is why I limit contact. To clarify with the PP who mentioned cutting my family loose I am loathe to do that because I have uncles and aunties I don't know because my parents cut family members loose over trivialities and I don't want that for my children

Well, she just called and said that she was really busy and could we meet after school tomorrow so she could see the kids. Of course that is a reasonable request but after school really really doesn't suit me nor does catching up later in the evening. She tried to put the guilts on me which I ignored but to say that I am a bit annoyed is an understatement!

#7 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:34 PM

QUOTE (Lyra @ 11/11/2012, 12:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To clarify with the PP who mentioned cutting my family loose I am loathe to do that because I have uncles and aunties I don't know because my parents cut family members loose over trivialities and I don't want that for my children

That's fair enough original.gif my parents did the same with some of my uncles and aunts, its only now that I've cut my parents out that I have been 'allowed' to have a relationship with my aunts that I never got to know, and respectively my cousins. It's a tough decision to make, I guess the fact my parents are sociopaths made it somewhat easy to do. Anyway, I'm going off topic blush.gif

I'd definitely have a good chat to your brother and his partner, tell them how it is, and that its nothing personal.

#8 Frockme

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:42 PM

Yeah I'd be annoyed about this arvo! But I'd listen to her reason. It is nice of her to try to see you though (excluding her lack of contact this time)given your family issues

Is she just not understanding fully the reason you can't just drop everything and do as she pleases and when she pleases? I'm guessing she doesn't have kids, some people can be completely oblivious to the day to day stuff when they haven't been through it. Your situ sounds even more complex!

I'd probably say," sorry but tomorrow's not good bc of ....... I'll explain more when I talk/see you. Lets hope we can get together sooner rather than later! "

Edited by Malaya, 11 November 2012 - 02:42 PM.


#9 Starrydawn

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:52 PM

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. They know that you can't do things without pre planning and it being the right circumstances. If they ignore that they have no right to get snarky.

I can't believe one of your brothers cut you loose over your childs diagnosis. That is very self absorbed and sad.

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 November 2012 - 03:15 PM

Yeah, that would give me the sh*ts too.

#11 HerringToMarmalade

Posted 11 November 2012 - 03:23 PM

Yes, I would be annoyed. I can understand her worry that you may be trying to avoid her like your parents do, but I don't see why she'd be ignoring your texts/calls when you've arranged to meet up.

#12 opethmum

Posted 11 November 2012 - 03:42 PM

original.gif  Perhaps like a pp if it possible talk to both of them on the phone or F2F and get them to see your point of view. Tell them and reiterate you cannot under any circumstance be accommodating on spur of the moment catch ups and his illness is not temporary, it will not get better with time and is a permanent fixture and really drive it home to them. Tell them you love them and that they are important to you but your son's needs are paramount and need their consideration  too.
I guess some people think that medical issues are short term and in the future it might change with time but in essence fail to realise the permanency of your son's issues.
Tell them that if they plan to be in Melbourne that your door is always open to them but they have to have the decency to give you as much notice as they can and when they say they are going to do something with you have the commitment to follow through. If they don't follow through expect some few terse words and reiterate that it takes a lot of time and planning to plan around your son's needs and it is not fair on your children to be jerked around by them.
I do hope they come through and actually have the insight and empathy to understand where you are coming from.


#13 Funwith3

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:02 PM

Yeah it's annoying that you wasted a Sunday waiting around for her. Very annoying actually, given that its such a lovely day and you could have been doing plenty of fun things. But sh*t happens.

She's tried to work out another date and it doesn't sound like you're willing to budge now. Are you sure you don't have an hour after school to see her tomorrow? Even though its not convenient for you, maybe just put yourself out, inconvenience yourself and then your brother can have no bad words to say about the effort you made.

Maybe think if it was one of your really good friends or someone you really really liked who'd come from interstate, and you only had this one chance to see them, would you be making the effort? Probably.

#14 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:26 PM

Funwith3 it's not actually about budging. My son has respite on a Monday after school and I am using that respite time to take boh the kids to the library. If I don't return the books tomorrow it is quite difficult to for me to get into a library later on in the week. It is so much easier to get in and out and around with a child in a wheelchair if you have an extra set of hands. My daughter is doing a school project and I can help her research and know that he is being looked after. If she had originally told me Monday after school I could have jiggled the respite (as annoying as jiggling respite is)

And, I am making the effort. I actually have a mass of stuff I need to get done tomorrow without kids in the house and I am giving that up to go out for a coffee. It's just that she really wants to see the kids and I appreciate that but if you make a time and then change your mind there's really not that much I can do about it

I also left out some key points in my OP which are actually important  blush.gif Two of her three daughters have a genetic disorder (not the same one as my son) and have special needs too. Their SN are not quite as complex as my son's but still not an easy road either. So, you think she would get the whole SN thing! Maybe because she has lived with it for so long she has kind of forgotten what it is like when they are younger

#15 M1B2G

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:27 PM

I can see that perhaps your extended family's treatment of her has probably clouded her way of perceiving your actions...

In all honesty you have been repeatedly difficult to nail down for a catch up....  While you have valid reasons at some point people can take repeated declines as an indication that they are not important to you...  

While she may have been rude I would be annoyed but if I could accomodate them tomorrow I would..  Can you not ring up and ask the library for a week's extension on the books...

Edited to alter update in response to last OP...

Edited by Mumof1B2G, 11 November 2012 - 04:31 PM.


#16 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:30 PM

Can she go to the library with you all?

#17 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:34 PM

I have extended the books online, it's the ones that I have had all my extensions on that I need to get back. And I still need to get some books for my daughter's project. We have exhausted the internet (in her mind) and we need some physical books. I had thought of inviting her along to the library but respite is very tight on time and she is very flexible. The times we have met up she has been up to two hours late!

QUOTE
In all honesty you have been repeatedly difficult to nail down for a catch up.... While you have valid reasons at some point people can take repeated declines as an indication that they are not important to you...


which is why I kept this afternoon completely free! As soon as I told my husband that we had a week his first reaction was 'don't accept any other offers for Sunday!'

#18 Jenferal

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:35 PM

Meet at the library? Chat while, the kids browse the books?

I hardly ever see my family. Just because we're related doesn't mean you HAVE to like them, or see them. Quite often friends and partners become more like family than real family.
But my family kinda sucks so I'm biased lol

#19 M1B2G

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:38 PM

At least make the offer stating your time restrictions.  If she does not rock up in time than the fault will be with her and you would have tried to accomodate her...

#20 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:42 PM

QUOTE (Mumof1B2G @ 11/11/2012, 02:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
At least make the offer stating your time restrictions.  If she does not rock up in time than the fault will be with her and you would have tried to accomodate her...

I agree, tell her "We will be at the library from xyz time, please come along" and then the ball is in her court. If she is late and misses you, her fault, and you can say you made the effort.

#21 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:48 PM

QUOTE (Mumof1B2G @ 11/11/2012, 05:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
At least make the offer stating your time restrictions.  If she does not rock up in time than the fault will be with her and you would have tried to accomodate her...


I might just put that to her tomorrow at morning tea. I was also really p*ssed off that I didn't even consider Tuesday as my son doesn't have kinder or any other commitments on Tuesday morning so at the very least she could pop around then and see him

I have been taking all your suggestions on board and it is good to get some other perspectives

#22 Funwith3

Posted 11 November 2012 - 06:18 PM

QUOTE (Lyra @ 11/11/2012, 05:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Funwith3 it's not actually about budging. My son has respite on a Monday after school and I am using that respite time to take boh the kids to the library. If I don't return the books tomorrow it is quite difficult to for me to get into a library later on in the week. It is so much easier to get in and out and around with a child in a wheelchair if you have an extra set of hands. My daughter is doing a school project and I can help her research and know that he is being looked after. If she had originally told me Monday after school I could have jiggled the respite (as annoying as jiggling respite is)

And, I am making the effort. I actually have a mass of stuff I need to get done tomorrow without kids in the house and I am giving that up to go out for a coffee. It's just that she really wants to see the kids and I appreciate that but if you make a time and then change your mind there's really not that much I can do about it


Ok... Fair enough. Can she come over after the library and have dinner at your house?

#23 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 07:10 PM

QUOTE (Funwith3 @ 11/11/2012, 07:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ok... Fair enough. Can she come over after the library and have dinner at your house?



she could except I really really dislike cooking for other people. Cooking in general is not something I enjoy and I really have to work hard and just cooking for my family. The thought of cooking a meal for four extra people I don't know really well  exacerbates my anxiety issues. It might sound silly but there you go

edited for grammar issues

Edited by Lyra, 11 November 2012 - 07:35 PM.


#24 Emby

Posted 11 November 2012 - 07:31 PM

She can bring the dinner. Least they can do! just a thought...

#25 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 07:35 PM

QUOTE (Emby @ 11/11/2012, 08:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She can bring the dinner. Least they can do! just a thought...


I know but I feel weird asking

Far out! No pleasing me is there LOL




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

WIN a $500 Visa debit card

Are you a parent? Simply take our survey for your chance to win a $500 pre-paid VISA debit card.

Breastfeeding doesn't make you a better mum - feeding your baby does

Given my immense dislike of Hopkins and her opinions, I was genuinely shocked to discover that last week she actually said something that I agreed with.

'Toni, another baby has died': the anguish of watching governments fail our babies

It has been six years since whooping cough claimed the life of four-week-old Dana McCaffery. Her parents are angry that lessons learnt weren't enough to save other babies.

Longer breastfeeding linked to higher IQ

A study of 3500 infants has found that babies who are breastfed grow up to be more intelligent and wealthy.

The 2015 flu vaccine: what's new, who should get it

For certain members of the community, catching flu can lead to severe illness or death. A vaccination can be lifesaving.

Dealing with a nappy escape artist

I hear about the tots that have a penchant for ripping their nappies off and the odd one that even smears the brown stuff on the walls and fine home furnishings, and I shudder.

Hospital apologises for 'traumatising' baby mix-up

St Vincent's Hospital has apologised "unreservedly" for a baby mix-up that left one new mum traumatised.

Tips for flying with a baby

Travelling with kids requires a whole other set of skills - ones that I have learned through (sometimes unfortunate) trial and error.

How to stay calm in an emergency

I’m not expecting you to be as calm as you might be right now. What I mean is that if your panic levels are through the roof during a stressful situation, let’s bring them down to just under the ceiling.

Toddler gets 'drunk' after cranberry juice mix-up

A toddler was taken to hospital after a waitress served her sangria instead of cranberry juice at a US restaurant.

We need to stop using this word when we talk about childbirth

Is it shaming to point out that women are often being let down in birth?

The certificate helping parents deal with pregnancy loss

For some people, this certificate will offer a sense of validation that their child was acknowledged as being here and now gone, and will help them with life post-loss.

Grieving families give warnings after toddler deaths

Two Queensland families are grieving the loss of their toddler sons after the boys drowned in separate incidents last week.

The phenomenon of phantom pregnancy kicks

'Phantom pregnancy kicks’ are encountered by many mums months - or even years - after their pregnancy is over.

The health insurance advice you can't afford to ignore

There's one simple switch that could save you hundreds of dollars a year in private health insurance.

4D scans show how smoking affects babies still in the womb

The harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy on unborn babies may be seen in tiny movements in their faces using 4D ultrasound scans, research has found.

How to babyproof your job interview

Once upon a time, I was a fan of job interviews. That all changed after I'd switched careers, had a baby and decided to spend the first year at home with her.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

The most dangerous toddler food trends

Pete Evans' paleo cookbook for kids caused a storm, but there are plenty of other unsafe food trends for babies and toddlers.

Infection killed new mum of twins

Modern medicine could not save 19-year-old Sophie Burgess who died 48 hours after giving birth to twins in the UK.

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

The place just for dads of multiples

When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.

Brave mum calls for domestic violence law reform

A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.

Why I had the new test for Down syndrome

Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

2015: the year of the sheep

According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.

Breakthrough genetic testing now available in Australia

Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

Family kicked off flight after toddler seatbelt drama

An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.

Stolen baby found after 17 years

A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.