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Would you be annoyed?
or am I having an 'off' week


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#1 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 01:55 PM

A bit of background: I don't get on overly well with my family and really wouldn't have anything to do with them if I didn't have children. One of my brothers cut me loose as soon as we got my son's diagnosis. My parents are also incredibly racist (this bit will make sense soon)

My middle brother has a partner who is Indian and my parents can't stand her and do everything they can to avoid time with her. My family, brother and his partner all live in Adelaide. Partner's family lives very close to us in Melbourne.

Here comes the problem LOL: every time she comes to Melbourne she calls me. No problems there but it's always a 'I'm here come and catch up now' type text. My son has a complex medical condition and I have another child too. Every time she does that we have something on that literally can't be moved. For complicated reasons, she can't always come to us and we can't always just catch up quickly for a coffee. (I am being brief to get to the issue). So, last week she gave me a whole week's notice that she was coming over and that she would be around on Sunday afternoon. We are free this afternoon and this week I got a few offers of 'lets get together' from various people. Nope, keeping Sunday afternoon free. Yesterday I texted her to confirm that we were catching up. No reply. I called a couple of times this morning and left messages. No reply

Now, I am really miffed because we have been stuck home today waiting on a call and I am also annoyed because my brother pulled the 'Partner thinks you don't like her because you are never available' card. That is simply not true. I am not  my parents and don't care that she is Indian. My not catching up with her has nothing to do with that. I am annoyed though that there has been a total lack of communication from her end

So, wise people of EB flame away and tell me I am being silly original.gif



#2 sandgropergirl

Posted 11 November 2012 - 01:59 PM

No flames here, I would be narky too

#3 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:05 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'd probably explain to your brother and his partner how you feel, maybe they will understand a bit more? I think it's incredibly rude and frustrating that you had something planned and she has stood you up, and then your brother says they feel you don't like her for no other reason than because you have a life?

I had family that thought the world revolved around them (amongst other things) and the best thing I ever did was cut them loose. You touched on the fact that that's something you'd like to do but can't because you have children, in my case personally that gave me even more reason to cut them loose. Something to think about I guess, everyone's situations are different.

#4 opethmum

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:09 PM

I would tell your brother that you have made every effort to be available to her but due to lack of commitment and communication it makes it difficult to catch up. Also explain to him that due to your son's complex medical needs you will not be able to be spontaneous in catch ups not now or ever. Explain that you like said partner and love that you are with them and that poor communication on her part is the problem here. Leave it at that and if he has a tantrum about that then that is his choice. You cannot change your brother's partner and her lack of communication with you. You are not in the wrong here. Go about your life and if she decides to create drama and be a drama llama then so be it.


#5 JustBeige

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:21 PM

No flame here either.

I think I would be trying to call my brother to find out where the heck she is.   That way to, when you leave a message for him, he cant pass the blame all back on to you.

If he tries the 'Partner thinks you don't like her because you are never available' card., tell him that you do actually like her, but wont if she keeps trying to make herself more important than your very ill child.   I find reminding them bluntly that someone is actually dealing with real life and death crap helps.

#6 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:24 PM

QUOTE (opethmum @ 11/11/2012, 03:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would tell your brother that you have made every effort to be available to her but due to lack of commitment and communication it makes it difficult to catch up.



You are assuming I am dealing with rational people biggrin.gif  My family lives in a world where it is all about them all of the time. It's exhausting which is why I limit contact. To clarify with the PP who mentioned cutting my family loose I am loathe to do that because I have uncles and aunties I don't know because my parents cut family members loose over trivialities and I don't want that for my children

Well, she just called and said that she was really busy and could we meet after school tomorrow so she could see the kids. Of course that is a reasonable request but after school really really doesn't suit me nor does catching up later in the evening. She tried to put the guilts on me which I ignored but to say that I am a bit annoyed is an understatement!

#7 FluffyOscar

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:27 PM

Wow, that is really self-centred of her OP. I think that the racism your extended family has shown her has prevented her from being considerate of you and your family needs (even though I would be just as annoyed and am not dealing with the same challenges as you are).

#8 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:34 PM

QUOTE (Lyra @ 11/11/2012, 12:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To clarify with the PP who mentioned cutting my family loose I am loathe to do that because I have uncles and aunties I don't know because my parents cut family members loose over trivialities and I don't want that for my children

That's fair enough original.gif my parents did the same with some of my uncles and aunts, its only now that I've cut my parents out that I have been 'allowed' to have a relationship with my aunts that I never got to know, and respectively my cousins. It's a tough decision to make, I guess the fact my parents are sociopaths made it somewhat easy to do. Anyway, I'm going off topic blush.gif

I'd definitely have a good chat to your brother and his partner, tell them how it is, and that its nothing personal.

#9 Frockme

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:42 PM

Yeah I'd be annoyed about this arvo! But I'd listen to her reason. It is nice of her to try to see you though (excluding her lack of contact this time)given your family issues

Is she just not understanding fully the reason you can't just drop everything and do as she pleases and when she pleases? I'm guessing she doesn't have kids, some people can be completely oblivious to the day to day stuff when they haven't been through it. Your situ sounds even more complex!

I'd probably say," sorry but tomorrow's not good bc of ....... I'll explain more when I talk/see you. Lets hope we can get together sooner rather than later! "

Edited by Malaya, 11 November 2012 - 02:42 PM.


#10 Starrydawn

Posted 11 November 2012 - 02:52 PM

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. They know that you can't do things without pre planning and it being the right circumstances. If they ignore that they have no right to get snarky.

I can't believe one of your brothers cut you loose over your childs diagnosis. That is very self absorbed and sad.

#11 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 November 2012 - 03:15 PM

Yeah, that would give me the sh*ts too.

#12 HerringToMarmalade

Posted 11 November 2012 - 03:23 PM

Yes, I would be annoyed. I can understand her worry that you may be trying to avoid her like your parents do, but I don't see why she'd be ignoring your texts/calls when you've arranged to meet up.

#13 opethmum

Posted 11 November 2012 - 03:42 PM

original.gif  Perhaps like a pp if it possible talk to both of them on the phone or F2F and get them to see your point of view. Tell them and reiterate you cannot under any circumstance be accommodating on spur of the moment catch ups and his illness is not temporary, it will not get better with time and is a permanent fixture and really drive it home to them. Tell them you love them and that they are important to you but your son's needs are paramount and need their consideration  too.
I guess some people think that medical issues are short term and in the future it might change with time but in essence fail to realise the permanency of your son's issues.
Tell them that if they plan to be in Melbourne that your door is always open to them but they have to have the decency to give you as much notice as they can and when they say they are going to do something with you have the commitment to follow through. If they don't follow through expect some few terse words and reiterate that it takes a lot of time and planning to plan around your son's needs and it is not fair on your children to be jerked around by them.
I do hope they come through and actually have the insight and empathy to understand where you are coming from.


#14 Funwith3

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:02 PM

Yeah it's annoying that you wasted a Sunday waiting around for her. Very annoying actually, given that its such a lovely day and you could have been doing plenty of fun things. But sh*t happens.

She's tried to work out another date and it doesn't sound like you're willing to budge now. Are you sure you don't have an hour after school to see her tomorrow? Even though its not convenient for you, maybe just put yourself out, inconvenience yourself and then your brother can have no bad words to say about the effort you made.

Maybe think if it was one of your really good friends or someone you really really liked who'd come from interstate, and you only had this one chance to see them, would you be making the effort? Probably.

#15 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:26 PM

Funwith3 it's not actually about budging. My son has respite on a Monday after school and I am using that respite time to take boh the kids to the library. If I don't return the books tomorrow it is quite difficult to for me to get into a library later on in the week. It is so much easier to get in and out and around with a child in a wheelchair if you have an extra set of hands. My daughter is doing a school project and I can help her research and know that he is being looked after. If she had originally told me Monday after school I could have jiggled the respite (as annoying as jiggling respite is)

And, I am making the effort. I actually have a mass of stuff I need to get done tomorrow without kids in the house and I am giving that up to go out for a coffee. It's just that she really wants to see the kids and I appreciate that but if you make a time and then change your mind there's really not that much I can do about it

I also left out some key points in my OP which are actually important  blush.gif Two of her three daughters have a genetic disorder (not the same one as my son) and have special needs too. Their SN are not quite as complex as my son's but still not an easy road either. So, you think she would get the whole SN thing! Maybe because she has lived with it for so long she has kind of forgotten what it is like when they are younger

#16 M1B2G

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:27 PM

I can see that perhaps your extended family's treatment of her has probably clouded her way of perceiving your actions...

In all honesty you have been repeatedly difficult to nail down for a catch up....  While you have valid reasons at some point people can take repeated declines as an indication that they are not important to you...  

While she may have been rude I would be annoyed but if I could accomodate them tomorrow I would..  Can you not ring up and ask the library for a week's extension on the books...

Edited to alter update in response to last OP...

Edited by Mumof1B2G, 11 November 2012 - 04:31 PM.


#17 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:30 PM

Can she go to the library with you all?

#18 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:34 PM

I have extended the books online, it's the ones that I have had all my extensions on that I need to get back. And I still need to get some books for my daughter's project. We have exhausted the internet (in her mind) and we need some physical books. I had thought of inviting her along to the library but respite is very tight on time and she is very flexible. The times we have met up she has been up to two hours late!

QUOTE
In all honesty you have been repeatedly difficult to nail down for a catch up.... While you have valid reasons at some point people can take repeated declines as an indication that they are not important to you...


which is why I kept this afternoon completely free! As soon as I told my husband that we had a week his first reaction was 'don't accept any other offers for Sunday!'

#19 Jenferal

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:35 PM

Meet at the library? Chat while, the kids browse the books?

I hardly ever see my family. Just because we're related doesn't mean you HAVE to like them, or see them. Quite often friends and partners become more like family than real family.
But my family kinda sucks so I'm biased lol

#20 M1B2G

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:38 PM

At least make the offer stating your time restrictions.  If she does not rock up in time than the fault will be with her and you would have tried to accomodate her...

#21 WYSIWYG

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:42 PM

QUOTE (Mumof1B2G @ 11/11/2012, 02:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
At least make the offer stating your time restrictions.  If she does not rock up in time than the fault will be with her and you would have tried to accomodate her...

I agree, tell her "We will be at the library from xyz time, please come along" and then the ball is in her court. If she is late and misses you, her fault, and you can say you made the effort.

#22 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 04:48 PM

QUOTE (Mumof1B2G @ 11/11/2012, 05:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
At least make the offer stating your time restrictions.  If she does not rock up in time than the fault will be with her and you would have tried to accomodate her...


I might just put that to her tomorrow at morning tea. I was also really p*ssed off that I didn't even consider Tuesday as my son doesn't have kinder or any other commitments on Tuesday morning so at the very least she could pop around then and see him

I have been taking all your suggestions on board and it is good to get some other perspectives

#23 Funwith3

Posted 11 November 2012 - 06:18 PM

QUOTE (Lyra @ 11/11/2012, 05:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Funwith3 it's not actually about budging. My son has respite on a Monday after school and I am using that respite time to take boh the kids to the library. If I don't return the books tomorrow it is quite difficult to for me to get into a library later on in the week. It is so much easier to get in and out and around with a child in a wheelchair if you have an extra set of hands. My daughter is doing a school project and I can help her research and know that he is being looked after. If she had originally told me Monday after school I could have jiggled the respite (as annoying as jiggling respite is)

And, I am making the effort. I actually have a mass of stuff I need to get done tomorrow without kids in the house and I am giving that up to go out for a coffee. It's just that she really wants to see the kids and I appreciate that but if you make a time and then change your mind there's really not that much I can do about it


Ok... Fair enough. Can she come over after the library and have dinner at your house?

#24 Lyra

Posted 11 November 2012 - 07:10 PM

QUOTE (Funwith3 @ 11/11/2012, 07:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ok... Fair enough. Can she come over after the library and have dinner at your house?



she could except I really really dislike cooking for other people. Cooking in general is not something I enjoy and I really have to work hard and just cooking for my family. The thought of cooking a meal for four extra people I don't know really well  exacerbates my anxiety issues. It might sound silly but there you go

edited for grammar issues

Edited by Lyra, 11 November 2012 - 07:35 PM.


#25 Emby

Posted 11 November 2012 - 07:31 PM

She can bring the dinner. Least they can do! just a thought...




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