Jump to content

Am I being unreasonable?


  • Please log in to reply
64 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:06 PM

We are on a tight budget as it is but yesterday my DH got made redundant.

On Monday a group of us from work were meant to go to lunch for a friend's birthday lunch.

However, now I don't feel I'm in a position to go as we literally need to save every last dollar.

I've let her know that due to finances I can't come and she has offered to pay. I'm not comfortable accepting this as do not like people paying for me and I'm not sure when we will be in a position to pay her back. I already owe her some money for some items she purchased on my behalf have already budgeted and arranged to pay her back for ths).

She has said that I'm not putting in any effort for her birthday and am being selfish. I did get her a present prior which I will of course give her on Monday. To be frank I'm not really in the greatest head space as am stressed out and worried so I could quite possibly be being a selfish t*at and not know it.

Meals at the place we are going are all $20 and above and even though it doesn't sound like much, it's a lot to us at the moment.

So do you think I'm being selfish? My friend believes I should have accepted her offer to pay and because I declined I'm therefore being selfish.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:49 PM.


#2 Lady Garden

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:08 PM

No you're not being selfish, how ridiculous. I can't say the same for your friend though. Is she an adult?

#3 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:10 PM

QUOTE (FluffyOscar @ 10/11/2012, 02:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No you're not being selfish, how ridiculous. I can't say the same for your friend though. Is she an adult?


LOL yes definitely an adult, she feels I should have accepted her offer to pay and am selfish not to.

#4 jayskette

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:12 PM

We had one income for the past 8 months due to a redundancy too. I used to attend work lunches frequently. Over the past 8 months I made a rule of telling people what I am willing to spend on and if they really want me to go to something I don't have money for either they shout or I borrow from them until next payday... worked out well so far

#5 Ianthe

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:13 PM

She is being a big sooky baby. But it is ok to accept the offer too original.gif

#6 eilca

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:14 PM

If it was a genuine offer, then yes, she may feel slighted.  I can completely see where you are coming from, as it is hard to accept kindness such as this offer.  Perhaps she really does want you to be there and is not at all bothered about shouting you lunch.  I would re-approach her and explain how you feel and accept if she re-offers.

#7 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present

#8 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

I work 2 days a week and my income won't even cover the mortgage and I'm not comfortable having people shout me or pay for me, if I can't afford to go I don't think I should attend.

#9 ms flib

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

If she wants you to go and is willing to pay for you then swallow your pride and go.

#10 julz78

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

Your friend is being a d***head, talk about acting like a spoilt brat. She is a grown woman not a 5 year old, not putting in effort for her birthday... really? Is she serious? Sounds like if you did take up her offer it would end up biting you in the bum anyway. I would just let her get on with it.

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 10/11/2012, 02:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present


We always buy each other presents for birthdays and Christmas and usually have lunch to celebrate.

#12 Lady Garden

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:18 PM

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 10/11/2012, 02:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
LOL yes definitely an adult, she feels I should have accepted her offer to pay and am selfish not to.

No, I don't think so. Perhaps your friend should look outside her own circumstances and develop some compassion. Totally understand that you need time to take stock of the change to your life and are not willing to spend money on, nor to become indebted to someone else over something so trivial.

#13 Missy Shelby

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:24 PM

OP you are not being selfish at all, I can so totally understand how stressed and worried you must be.

I am a SAHM and I also would be like you tightening the belt as who knows when your DH will get a job again, it could be next week but I think you are being smart at cutting out unnecessary expenses.

I think if you are close enough friends maybe accept her offer of paying.  I know that certain friends I have I wouldn't even think twice in paying for them and vise versa.

Hope your DH gets a job very soon and then you can repay the favour to her original.gif

#14 d├ęsir d'amour

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

If she wants your presence, and has offered to pay, I can understand her being a bit miffed that your pride is getting in the way.

I would have accepted the offer gratefully and graciously.

#15 Feral Nicety

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I'd offer to pay for you and never think of it again or consider that you owed me anything.

While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.

#16 WYSIWYG

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable, however she probably feels that low finances is just an excuse for you to get out of going, now that you are also declining her offer of shouting your meal for you.

#17 Alacritous~Andy

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:27 PM

Could you compromise, have lunch before hand, turn up a bit late, and just have a pot of tea, or something, rather than a meal?  

That's what I used to do when we were broke, but friends wanted to catch up out somewhere.  original.gif

#18 Feral_Mumma

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:28 PM

What an odd place EB is. If OP's friend had said oh yeah you better not come, people would be crying out that she's not a good friend because she didn't offer to shout OP.

It's her birthday let her sulk if she wants to, she obviously wants you there. Just explain why you don't feel comfortable and let her know you appreciate the offer. Or suck it up and take her up on it and have a nice lunch with your friend.

#19 LookMumNoHands

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:34 PM

If it means that much to her for you to be there, then I think you should take her up on the offer and go. Isn't that what friends are for?

I'm sorry to hear your DH has been made redundant. Fingers crossed he'll find something else very soon  original.gif

#20 Oriental lily

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:37 PM

You would think she would have some compassion for your situation and how stressed out you must be. Dinner with friends that you can not afford or want to be shouted would hardly be on your priority list!

What a inconsiderate time for her start to sulk.

Op for some people it's all about them. A good friend would suggest a catch up with coffee and have understanding of your difficult situation.

#21 Jembo

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:41 PM

Your friend probably offered to pay because she is a friend and wants you to attend her birthday, and probably felt in light of the situation you could do with a bit of a nice time out.

It's what friends do. I would get over my uncomfortableness and be thankful I have friends that see I am in a not good situation and offer to shout me lunch.

#22 PigNewton

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:48 PM

I would have taken your friend's offer and gone to lunch.  I'm guessing from her reaction that she thinks you just don't want to spend time with her, given that you gave the reason for non-attendance as finances, but then when that reason was removed you STILL didn't want to go.
And yes, I have been that person with no money who has dined out through the kindness of friends. I never felt like I was under an obligation afterwards, if I did it wouldn't be much of a friendship. I usually did return the favour when finances allowed though.
QUOTE
While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.

And what Balzac said. She probably felt like she was doing something nice and had it thrown back in her face (doesn't mean she's right, just that it might be how she feels)

#23 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:50 PM

Thanks everyone for your views original.gif

I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.

ETA: If the situation was reversed I'd be happy to pay for someone else and wouldn't think they are sponging, but when it comes to me personally I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:55 PM.


#24 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE
I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.


A friend buying you lunch is a friend being nice and wanting your company, not you sponging off others.

That I think where the disconnect with your friend has occurred.

#25 Miss 50s

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your DH's redundancy that sucks. I can see both sides of this one. She obviously reakky wants you to be there if this is something that has been happening for awhile and I think maybe you should set asidde your pride this one time. I do agree with others that the way she has gone about this is very immature.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

'Tired' mum dies of undiagnosed diabetes

New mum Nicky Rigby thought her exhaustion was due to the demands of looking after her baby. But the 26-year-old was seriously ill with diabetes, and died due to her condition not being diagnosed.

20 signs of a great relationship

The secret to a perfect relationship is admitting you are wrong after an argument, five kisses a day and sex twice a week, a new survey suggests.

Video: emotional 60-second Robin Williams tribute

Take a minute to remember some of the greatest films of your childhood ... and have a few tissues close at hand.

The realities of escaping domestic violence

?Why doesn?t she just leave?? is the common question people ask when trying to understand domestic violence. For many, leaving the relationship is far from straightforward.

Home truths: the DIY dos and don'ts

A professional renovator gives advice on which jobs you should do yourself, and which you should outsource.

Parenting lessons I?ve yet to learn

Instead of writing about the stuff I do know since becoming a mum, I thought I'd share some of the things I don't. These are the lessons that motherhood hasn't taught me.

Will I be wrecked 'down there' after birth?

Did you worry about how you would look "down there" after giving birth? This mum-to-be found plenty of women willing to share their knowledge.

The new weekend playgroup for working mums

Playgroups are great for kids and parents alike - but the downside is that they often meet during the week, leaving working mums out of the loop.

Letting your toddler be the boss at bedtime

Sick of spending hours trying to get your toddler to sleep? These experts say giving your child more of a say at bedtime might be the answer.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

Ezra's tragic death not in vain, mum says

Little Ezra was a "Harry Houdini" who loved trying to escape the family home. Now, after his tragic death, his parents are doing what they can to help others.

Consulting 'Dr Google' when you're pregnant

We're all guilty of turning to the internet for a quick answer when we need medical advice, but Dr Google should be approached with caution - especially when you're pregnant.

16 ways to tie a scarf

Scarfs are the perfect winter accessory. Whether you're freezing at soccer training or wanting to add a splash of colour to a monochrome top, the right scarf will sort you out in no time. Just ask Nina Proudman.

Video: When adults act like children

Ever wondered what would happen if adults were allowed to act like children? This dad's hilarious video clip will give you an idea of what life would be like.

The simple way to support other parents

We may be raising children of different ages and sexes, with different personalities, but we, as parents, aren't that different - we all have similar struggles, fears, doubts, responsibilities.

Seeing the big picture when it comes to parenting

Sometimes it feels like hundreds of tiny cracks are spreading across the surface of our lives, creeping slowly into the foundations and threatening to make them crumble. How do we hold it all together?

How to spot a lactaboobiephobia sufferer

Lactation consultant Meg Nagle refused to stay silent when Facebook removed two photos of her breastfeeding. Instead, she coined a term to describe those who don't recognise breastfeeding for the natural and non-sexual act that it is.

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Do you suffer from Precious Firstborn Syndrome?

Testing ?no more tears? shampoo in your own eyes, warming cucumber sticks so they're not cold straight from the fridge, waking a sleeping baby to check they?re still breathing: these are all symptoms of Precious Firstborn Syndrome.

Ezra's tragic death not in vain, mum says

Little Ezra was a "Harry Houdini" who loved trying to escape the family home. Now, after his tragic death, his parents are doing what they can to help others.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

Video: When adults act like children

Ever wondered what would happen if adults were allowed to act like children? This dad's hilarious video clip will give you an idea of what life would be like.

Mums hit hardest as flu cases skyrocket

The number of confirmed cases of influenza in Australia has doubled the number for the same time last year - and women are 25 per cent more likely to get it.

The mum who had four babies in nine months

Feeling exhausted due to the demands of caring for a baby? Imagine the life of this mum, who gave birth to three boys and one girl in just nine months.

Everything baby at Big W

Lowest prices on everything baby, only at Big W. Sale starts August 4 and ends August 20 2014.

Smiggle is painting the town red!

We have 3 Red Smiggle prize packs to give away! Enter by posting a photo of something red to your Instagram.

Mum gives birth at school

Most kids have their own personal brand of oddity. Others, like these 10 weird habits, crop up again and again.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.