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Am I being unreasonable?

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#1 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:06 PM

We are on a tight budget as it is but yesterday my DH got made redundant.

On Monday a group of us from work were meant to go to lunch for a friend's birthday lunch.

However, now I don't feel I'm in a position to go as we literally need to save every last dollar.

I've let her know that due to finances I can't come and she has offered to pay. I'm not comfortable accepting this as do not like people paying for me and I'm not sure when we will be in a position to pay her back. I already owe her some money for some items she purchased on my behalf have already budgeted and arranged to pay her back for ths).

She has said that I'm not putting in any effort for her birthday and am being selfish. I did get her a present prior which I will of course give her on Monday. To be frank I'm not really in the greatest head space as am stressed out and worried so I could quite possibly be being a selfish t*at and not know it.

Meals at the place we are going are all $20 and above and even though it doesn't sound like much, it's a lot to us at the moment.

So do you think I'm being selfish? My friend believes I should have accepted her offer to pay and because I declined I'm therefore being selfish.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:49 PM.

#2 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:10 PM

QUOTE (FluffyOscar @ 10/11/2012, 02:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No you're not being selfish, how ridiculous. I can't say the same for your friend though. Is she an adult?

LOL yes definitely an adult, she feels I should have accepted her offer to pay and am selfish not to.

#3 jayskette

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:12 PM

We had one income for the past 8 months due to a redundancy too. I used to attend work lunches frequently. Over the past 8 months I made a rule of telling people what I am willing to spend on and if they really want me to go to something I don't have money for either they shout or I borrow from them until next payday... worked out well so far

#4 QueenIanthe

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:13 PM

She is being a big sooky baby. But it is ok to accept the offer too original.gif

#5 eilca

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:14 PM

If it was a genuine offer, then yes, she may feel slighted.  I can completely see where you are coming from, as it is hard to accept kindness such as this offer.  Perhaps she really does want you to be there and is not at all bothered about shouting you lunch.  I would re-approach her and explain how you feel and accept if she re-offers.

#6 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present

#7 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

I work 2 days a week and my income won't even cover the mortgage and I'm not comfortable having people shout me or pay for me, if I can't afford to go I don't think I should attend.

#8 ms flib

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

If she wants you to go and is willing to pay for you then swallow your pride and go.

#9 julz78

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

Your friend is being a d***head, talk about acting like a spoilt brat. She is a grown woman not a 5 year old, not putting in effort for her birthday... really? Is she serious? Sounds like if you did take up her offer it would end up biting you in the bum anyway. I would just let her get on with it.

#10 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 10/11/2012, 02:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present

We always buy each other presents for birthdays and Christmas and usually have lunch to celebrate.

#11 Missy Shelby

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:24 PM

OP you are not being selfish at all, I can so totally understand how stressed and worried you must be.

I am a SAHM and I also would be like you tightening the belt as who knows when your DH will get a job again, it could be next week but I think you are being smart at cutting out unnecessary expenses.

I think if you are close enough friends maybe accept her offer of paying.  I know that certain friends I have I wouldn't even think twice in paying for them and vise versa.

Hope your DH gets a job very soon and then you can repay the favour to her original.gif

#12 Beanbag Warrior

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

If she wants your presence, and has offered to pay, I can understand her being a bit miffed that your pride is getting in the way.

I would have accepted the offer gratefully and graciously.

#13 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I'd offer to pay for you and never think of it again or consider that you owed me anything.

While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.


Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable, however she probably feels that low finances is just an excuse for you to get out of going, now that you are also declining her offer of shouting your meal for you.

#15 Alacritous~Andy

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:27 PM

Could you compromise, have lunch before hand, turn up a bit late, and just have a pot of tea, or something, rather than a meal?  

That's what I used to do when we were broke, but friends wanted to catch up out somewhere.  original.gif

#16 LoudMuffin

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:28 PM

What an odd place EB is. If OP's friend had said oh yeah you better not come, people would be crying out that she's not a good friend because she didn't offer to shout OP.

It's her birthday let her sulk if she wants to, she obviously wants you there. Just explain why you don't feel comfortable and let her know you appreciate the offer. Or suck it up and take her up on it and have a nice lunch with your friend.

#17 LookMumNoHands

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:34 PM

If it means that much to her for you to be there, then I think you should take her up on the offer and go. Isn't that what friends are for?

I'm sorry to hear your DH has been made redundant. Fingers crossed he'll find something else very soon  original.gif

#18 Oriental lily

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:37 PM

You would think she would have some compassion for your situation and how stressed out you must be. Dinner with friends that you can not afford or want to be shouted would hardly be on your priority list!

What a inconsiderate time for her start to sulk.

Op for some people it's all about them. A good friend would suggest a catch up with coffee and have understanding of your difficult situation.

#19 Jembo

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:41 PM

Your friend probably offered to pay because she is a friend and wants you to attend her birthday, and probably felt in light of the situation you could do with a bit of a nice time out.

It's what friends do. I would get over my uncomfortableness and be thankful I have friends that see I am in a not good situation and offer to shout me lunch.

#20 CourtesanNewton

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:48 PM

I would have taken your friend's offer and gone to lunch.  I'm guessing from her reaction that she thinks you just don't want to spend time with her, given that you gave the reason for non-attendance as finances, but then when that reason was removed you STILL didn't want to go.
And yes, I have been that person with no money who has dined out through the kindness of friends. I never felt like I was under an obligation afterwards, if I did it wouldn't be much of a friendship. I usually did return the favour when finances allowed though.
While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.

And what Balzac said. She probably felt like she was doing something nice and had it thrown back in her face (doesn't mean she's right, just that it might be how she feels)

#21 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:50 PM

Thanks everyone for your views original.gif

I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.

ETA: If the situation was reversed I'd be happy to pay for someone else and wouldn't think they are sponging, but when it comes to me personally I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:55 PM.

#22 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.

A friend buying you lunch is a friend being nice and wanting your company, not you sponging off others.

That I think where the disconnect with your friend has occurred.

#23 Miss 50s

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your DH's redundancy that sucks. I can see both sides of this one. She obviously reakky wants you to be there if this is something that has been happening for awhile and I think maybe you should set asidde your pride this one time. I do agree with others that the way she has gone about this is very immature.

#24 HRH Countrymel

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:57 PM

I'm with the PPs who think she may have thought you were making excuses after she offered to pay and you still declined.

I've been the 'poor' friend pretty much my whole life.  My more wealthy friends don't give a toss if I 'pay them back' or not.

As my darling friend said once "I want YOU there, I want YOUR company, an extra $100 (it was a flash restaurant) means diddly squat to me - but not having your there - that would be awful..."

This is the same friend who would spend $100s on my birthday presents and has received in return - homemade jams or something nifty I found at Vinnies.

Friends love you for who you are - it isn't a tit for tat financial exchange.

#25 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:58 PM

Great post countrymel

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