Jump to content

Am I being unreasonable?


  • Please log in to reply
64 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:06 PM

We are on a tight budget as it is but yesterday my DH got made redundant.

On Monday a group of us from work were meant to go to lunch for a friend's birthday lunch.

However, now I don't feel I'm in a position to go as we literally need to save every last dollar.

I've let her know that due to finances I can't come and she has offered to pay. I'm not comfortable accepting this as do not like people paying for me and I'm not sure when we will be in a position to pay her back. I already owe her some money for some items she purchased on my behalf have already budgeted and arranged to pay her back for ths).

She has said that I'm not putting in any effort for her birthday and am being selfish. I did get her a present prior which I will of course give her on Monday. To be frank I'm not really in the greatest head space as am stressed out and worried so I could quite possibly be being a selfish t*at and not know it.

Meals at the place we are going are all $20 and above and even though it doesn't sound like much, it's a lot to us at the moment.

So do you think I'm being selfish? My friend believes I should have accepted her offer to pay and because I declined I'm therefore being selfish.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:49 PM.


#2 FluffyOscar

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:08 PM

No you're not being selfish, how ridiculous. I can't say the same for your friend though. Is she an adult?

#3 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:10 PM

QUOTE (FluffyOscar @ 10/11/2012, 02:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No you're not being selfish, how ridiculous. I can't say the same for your friend though. Is she an adult?


LOL yes definitely an adult, she feels I should have accepted her offer to pay and am selfish not to.

#4 jayskette

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:12 PM

We had one income for the past 8 months due to a redundancy too. I used to attend work lunches frequently. Over the past 8 months I made a rule of telling people what I am willing to spend on and if they really want me to go to something I don't have money for either they shout or I borrow from them until next payday... worked out well so far

#5 Ianthe

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:13 PM

She is being a big sooky baby. But it is ok to accept the offer too original.gif

#6 eilca

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:14 PM

If it was a genuine offer, then yes, she may feel slighted.  I can completely see where you are coming from, as it is hard to accept kindness such as this offer.  Perhaps she really does want you to be there and is not at all bothered about shouting you lunch.  I would re-approach her and explain how you feel and accept if she re-offers.

#7 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present

#8 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

I work 2 days a week and my income won't even cover the mortgage and I'm not comfortable having people shout me or pay for me, if I can't afford to go I don't think I should attend.

#9 ms flib

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

If she wants you to go and is willing to pay for you then swallow your pride and go.

#10 julz78

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

Your friend is being a d***head, talk about acting like a spoilt brat. She is a grown woman not a 5 year old, not putting in effort for her birthday... really? Is she serious? Sounds like if you did take up her offer it would end up biting you in the bum anyway. I would just let her get on with it.

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 10/11/2012, 02:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present


We always buy each other presents for birthdays and Christmas and usually have lunch to celebrate.

#12 FluffyOscar

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:18 PM

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 10/11/2012, 02:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
LOL yes definitely an adult, she feels I should have accepted her offer to pay and am selfish not to.

No, I don't think so. Perhaps your friend should look outside her own circumstances and develop some compassion. Totally understand that you need time to take stock of the change to your life and are not willing to spend money on, nor to become indebted to someone else over something so trivial.

#13 Missy Shelby

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:24 PM

OP you are not being selfish at all, I can so totally understand how stressed and worried you must be.

I am a SAHM and I also would be like you tightening the belt as who knows when your DH will get a job again, it could be next week but I think you are being smart at cutting out unnecessary expenses.

I think if you are close enough friends maybe accept her offer of paying.  I know that certain friends I have I wouldn't even think twice in paying for them and vise versa.

Hope your DH gets a job very soon and then you can repay the favour to her original.gif

#14 d├ęsir d'amour

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

If she wants your presence, and has offered to pay, I can understand her being a bit miffed that your pride is getting in the way.

I would have accepted the offer gratefully and graciously.

#15 Feral Nicety

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I'd offer to pay for you and never think of it again or consider that you owed me anything.

While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.

#16 WYSIWYG

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable, however she probably feels that low finances is just an excuse for you to get out of going, now that you are also declining her offer of shouting your meal for you.

#17 Alacritous~Andy

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:27 PM

Could you compromise, have lunch before hand, turn up a bit late, and just have a pot of tea, or something, rather than a meal?  

That's what I used to do when we were broke, but friends wanted to catch up out somewhere.  original.gif

#18 Feral_Mumma

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:28 PM

What an odd place EB is. If OP's friend had said oh yeah you better not come, people would be crying out that she's not a good friend because she didn't offer to shout OP.

It's her birthday let her sulk if she wants to, she obviously wants you there. Just explain why you don't feel comfortable and let her know you appreciate the offer. Or suck it up and take her up on it and have a nice lunch with your friend.

#19 LookMumNoHands

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:34 PM

If it means that much to her for you to be there, then I think you should take her up on the offer and go. Isn't that what friends are for?

I'm sorry to hear your DH has been made redundant. Fingers crossed he'll find something else very soon  original.gif

#20 Oriental lily

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:37 PM

You would think she would have some compassion for your situation and how stressed out you must be. Dinner with friends that you can not afford or want to be shouted would hardly be on your priority list!

What a inconsiderate time for her start to sulk.

Op for some people it's all about them. A good friend would suggest a catch up with coffee and have understanding of your difficult situation.

#21 Jembo

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:41 PM

Your friend probably offered to pay because she is a friend and wants you to attend her birthday, and probably felt in light of the situation you could do with a bit of a nice time out.

It's what friends do. I would get over my uncomfortableness and be thankful I have friends that see I am in a not good situation and offer to shout me lunch.

#22 PigNewton

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:48 PM

I would have taken your friend's offer and gone to lunch.  I'm guessing from her reaction that she thinks you just don't want to spend time with her, given that you gave the reason for non-attendance as finances, but then when that reason was removed you STILL didn't want to go.
And yes, I have been that person with no money who has dined out through the kindness of friends. I never felt like I was under an obligation afterwards, if I did it wouldn't be much of a friendship. I usually did return the favour when finances allowed though.
QUOTE
While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.

And what Balzac said. She probably felt like she was doing something nice and had it thrown back in her face (doesn't mean she's right, just that it might be how she feels)

#23 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:50 PM

Thanks everyone for your views original.gif

I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.

ETA: If the situation was reversed I'd be happy to pay for someone else and wouldn't think they are sponging, but when it comes to me personally I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:55 PM.


#24 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE
I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.


A friend buying you lunch is a friend being nice and wanting your company, not you sponging off others.

That I think where the disconnect with your friend has occurred.

#25 Miss 50s

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your DH's redundancy that sucks. I can see both sides of this one. She obviously reakky wants you to be there if this is something that has been happening for awhile and I think maybe you should set asidde your pride this one time. I do agree with others that the way she has gone about this is very immature.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

10 things they don?t tell you about being pregnant

As I slowly waddle my ever-changing pregnant body towards the finishing line of my due date, it?s becoming increasingly clear there are a lot of things they just don?t tell you about pregnancy.

Overcoming a fear of the dark

A toddler's fear of the dark is very normal, but there are ways parents can help children through this stage in their development.

Kids, TV and movies: how young is too young?

It seems you don't have to throw the TV and iPad out the window - it all boils down to moderation, supervision and interaction.

Video: Baby's first birthday is a special day for mum, too

?A baby?s first birthday is also mum?s first birthday.?

The day Supernanny came to tea

Prince William's favourite celebrity child trainer Jo Frost puts Bryony Gordon and her toddler through their paces.

Tales from the homefront

When you're at work you sort of assume that your house is basically just sitting there quietly doing nothing until you return. However, since spending my days at home, I've learned this couldn't be further from the truth.

The words I hated hearing as new mum

It was less than a week after my son was born that I first heard it - from my mother.

To the pharmacist who sold me baby formula

On the rare occasion I catch sight of you at school, or around town, I think back to our earliest exchange. I?m sure you have no recollection of it at all.

Babies may benefit from autism therapy

Children showing signs of autism don't usually receive early intervention until well into toddlerhood or later, but a new study suggests infants with symptoms of the developmental disorder might benefit from therapy from as early as six months.

Knatalye and Adeline born with an everlasting bond

Knatalye Hope and Adeline Faith are a lot like any other identical twin girls, but there is one dramatic difference: they're joined at the chest and shares several internal organs.

The question this dad wishes he'd asked his wife

I should have seen that my wife wasn't the same person I'd fallen in love with, but we were both too focused on simply trying to get by.

Why we should talk about the deaths of the Hunt children

The deaths are too horrible even to think about. Yet we owe it to the children - Fletcher, Mia and Phoebe Hunt - to think long and hard about it all.

Baby dies of meningococcal weeks after vaccine application denied

A six-month-old girl has died from meningococcal disease just weeks after an application for government funding of a vaccine for the most deadly strain of the virus was rejected.

Finding the right balance when playing with your kids

Being too involved in our children?s play and not allowing our kids enough free time for unstructured activities can mean our kids miss out on the value that play offers.

Creative DIY light shades

The Pop Light light shade comes in a flat pack already made - it's up to you to design it as you'd like.

The battle of iParenting versus imagination

Have we forgotten how to be imaginative, resourceful parents?

Why movement is so important for your baby's growth

Letting your child move as much as possible in the early years ? using all senses, engaging in the real world, preferably outside ? will help them grow up healthier, smarter, calmer and stronger.

Video: Toddler not keen on clean-shaven dad

This little girl thought she was taking part in a standard game of peek-a-boo, but her dad had a surprise for her.

When will I feel like myself again?

At some point I became 'me' again, but not the same me that I was ... and that?s not a bad thing.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

Win a House of Magic prize pack

To celebrate the release of the new movie House of Magic, we have 10 double passes and magic sets to give away just in time for these school holidays. Enter Now for a chance to win!

Losing yourself to motherhood

While watching your baby grow into a unique little person is exciting and wondrous, the intensity of meeting everyone else?s needs can ever so sneakily overtake your own needs for self-care.

Tearing during delivery: the facts

Almost all women will experience bruising, grazing or tearing after a vaginal birth. Depending on the degree of tearing, there are various treatments available.

6 tips for a day out with a baby and toddler

Outings can be lots of fun with the kids, but there are inevitable challenges. Here's some information about days out to help you be a little more prepared.

Why I invited a dozen people to watch my son's birth

I sent invitations on burgundy scrapbooking paper stamped with a field of poppies, and told each person why I wanted him or her there. I warned that there would be nudity.

Getting labour started: tips for a natural induction

When your baby?s due date comes and goes without so much as a pop - let alone a bang - it can be disheartening. Mums and a doula share their stories of natural inductions.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

That's my boy: a dad's diary of the first 4 months

Unbearable anxiety, unspeakable joy, constant exhaustion and bouts of frustration ... The many shocks of first-time fatherhood resound in a dad's diary of his son's early months.

One of the most important things a new mum can do

Finances may not be as cute as a newborn, but with many women?s working arrangements changing post-baby, monetary matters need attention too.

Couple's bucket list for unborn baby

Jenna and Dan Haley know their baby's time will be limited, so they're packing in a lifetime of memories before he's even born.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Reader offer

2 FOR 1 TICKET OFFER

For Shopping, For Advice, For Baby & You. Enjoy a special day out with fabulous shopping from over 200 brands, leading parenting experts offering advice on a range of topics, and amazing children?s entertainment

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.