Jump to content

Am I being unreasonable?


  • Please log in to reply
64 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:06 PM

We are on a tight budget as it is but yesterday my DH got made redundant.

On Monday a group of us from work were meant to go to lunch for a friend's birthday lunch.

However, now I don't feel I'm in a position to go as we literally need to save every last dollar.

I've let her know that due to finances I can't come and she has offered to pay. I'm not comfortable accepting this as do not like people paying for me and I'm not sure when we will be in a position to pay her back. I already owe her some money for some items she purchased on my behalf have already budgeted and arranged to pay her back for ths).

She has said that I'm not putting in any effort for her birthday and am being selfish. I did get her a present prior which I will of course give her on Monday. To be frank I'm not really in the greatest head space as am stressed out and worried so I could quite possibly be being a selfish t*at and not know it.

Meals at the place we are going are all $20 and above and even though it doesn't sound like much, it's a lot to us at the moment.

So do you think I'm being selfish? My friend believes I should have accepted her offer to pay and because I declined I'm therefore being selfish.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:49 PM.


#2 Lady Garden

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:08 PM

No you're not being selfish, how ridiculous. I can't say the same for your friend though. Is she an adult?

#3 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:10 PM

QUOTE (FluffyOscar @ 10/11/2012, 02:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No you're not being selfish, how ridiculous. I can't say the same for your friend though. Is she an adult?


LOL yes definitely an adult, she feels I should have accepted her offer to pay and am selfish not to.

#4 jayskette

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:12 PM

We had one income for the past 8 months due to a redundancy too. I used to attend work lunches frequently. Over the past 8 months I made a rule of telling people what I am willing to spend on and if they really want me to go to something I don't have money for either they shout or I borrow from them until next payday... worked out well so far

#5 Ianthe

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:13 PM

She is being a big sooky baby. But it is ok to accept the offer too original.gif

#6 eilca

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:14 PM

If it was a genuine offer, then yes, she may feel slighted.  I can completely see where you are coming from, as it is hard to accept kindness such as this offer.  Perhaps she really does want you to be there and is not at all bothered about shouting you lunch.  I would re-approach her and explain how you feel and accept if she re-offers.

#7 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present

#8 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

I work 2 days a week and my income won't even cover the mortgage and I'm not comfortable having people shout me or pay for me, if I can't afford to go I don't think I should attend.

#9 ms flib

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

If she wants you to go and is willing to pay for you then swallow your pride and go.

#10 julz78

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

Your friend is being a d***head, talk about acting like a spoilt brat. She is a grown woman not a 5 year old, not putting in effort for her birthday... really? Is she serious? Sounds like if you did take up her offer it would end up biting you in the bum anyway. I would just let her get on with it.

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:17 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 10/11/2012, 02:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It is a tough one. When she offered to pay, she probably didn't expect to be paid back, she just wanted her friend to be there with her.

From your perspective I can understand not wanting to be in a position where you feel that you owe her.

I must admit I don't tend to buy adult friend birthday presents unless it is a significant birthday / party, and then most are "no presents". Maybe she is not expecting you to have spent money on a present


We always buy each other presents for birthdays and Christmas and usually have lunch to celebrate.

#12 Lady Garden

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:18 PM

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 10/11/2012, 02:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
LOL yes definitely an adult, she feels I should have accepted her offer to pay and am selfish not to.

No, I don't think so. Perhaps your friend should look outside her own circumstances and develop some compassion. Totally understand that you need time to take stock of the change to your life and are not willing to spend money on, nor to become indebted to someone else over something so trivial.

#13 Missy Shelby

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:24 PM

OP you are not being selfish at all, I can so totally understand how stressed and worried you must be.

I am a SAHM and I also would be like you tightening the belt as who knows when your DH will get a job again, it could be next week but I think you are being smart at cutting out unnecessary expenses.

I think if you are close enough friends maybe accept her offer of paying.  I know that certain friends I have I wouldn't even think twice in paying for them and vise versa.

Hope your DH gets a job very soon and then you can repay the favour to her original.gif

#14 désir d'amour

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

If she wants your presence, and has offered to pay, I can understand her being a bit miffed that your pride is getting in the way.

I would have accepted the offer gratefully and graciously.

#15 Feral Nicety

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I'd offer to pay for you and never think of it again or consider that you owed me anything.

While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.

#16 WYSIWYG

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:25 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable, however she probably feels that low finances is just an excuse for you to get out of going, now that you are also declining her offer of shouting your meal for you.

#17 Alacritous~Andy

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:27 PM

Could you compromise, have lunch before hand, turn up a bit late, and just have a pot of tea, or something, rather than a meal?  

That's what I used to do when we were broke, but friends wanted to catch up out somewhere.  original.gif

#18 Feral_Mumma

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:28 PM

What an odd place EB is. If OP's friend had said oh yeah you better not come, people would be crying out that she's not a good friend because she didn't offer to shout OP.

It's her birthday let her sulk if she wants to, she obviously wants you there. Just explain why you don't feel comfortable and let her know you appreciate the offer. Or suck it up and take her up on it and have a nice lunch with your friend.

#19 LookMumNoHands

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:34 PM

If it means that much to her for you to be there, then I think you should take her up on the offer and go. Isn't that what friends are for?

I'm sorry to hear your DH has been made redundant. Fingers crossed he'll find something else very soon  original.gif

#20 Oriental lily

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:37 PM

You would think she would have some compassion for your situation and how stressed out you must be. Dinner with friends that you can not afford or want to be shouted would hardly be on your priority list!

What a inconsiderate time for her start to sulk.

Op for some people it's all about them. A good friend would suggest a catch up with coffee and have understanding of your difficult situation.

#21 Jembo

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:41 PM

Your friend probably offered to pay because she is a friend and wants you to attend her birthday, and probably felt in light of the situation you could do with a bit of a nice time out.

It's what friends do. I would get over my uncomfortableness and be thankful I have friends that see I am in a not good situation and offer to shout me lunch.

#22 PigNewton

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:48 PM

I would have taken your friend's offer and gone to lunch.  I'm guessing from her reaction that she thinks you just don't want to spend time with her, given that you gave the reason for non-attendance as finances, but then when that reason was removed you STILL didn't want to go.
And yes, I have been that person with no money who has dined out through the kindness of friends. I never felt like I was under an obligation afterwards, if I did it wouldn't be much of a friendship. I usually did return the favour when finances allowed though.
QUOTE
While I would not have made the you are not making an effort remark, I would have felt that doing something nice for you at this stressful time is just how I would want to be.

And what Balzac said. She probably felt like she was doing something nice and had it thrown back in her face (doesn't mean she's right, just that it might be how she feels)

#23 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:50 PM

Thanks everyone for your views original.gif

I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.

ETA: If the situation was reversed I'd be happy to pay for someone else and wouldn't think they are sponging, but when it comes to me personally I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Edited by Sunnycat, 10 November 2012 - 01:55 PM.


#24 JRA

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE
I'm not throwing anything back in her face, I'm just not comfortable having her buy lunch for me especially as it is in front of a group of people. Yes my pride is getting in the way but I find it embarrassing to sponge off others.


A friend buying you lunch is a friend being nice and wanting your company, not you sponging off others.

That I think where the disconnect with your friend has occurred.

#25 Miss 50s

Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:56 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your DH's redundancy that sucks. I can see both sides of this one. She obviously reakky wants you to be there if this is something that has been happening for awhile and I think maybe you should set asidde your pride this one time. I do agree with others that the way she has gone about this is very immature.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Share the little things that make you smile

We're giving away a Mountain Buggy nano, the ultimate travel stroller - and here are some of the great entries so far.

Toddler pleads for return of "stolen" nose

A two-year-old's reaction to a game of "got your nose" shows it doesn't take much to make a toddler cry.

The 15 photos new parents share (and five they don't)

From the first scan photo to the baby covered in cake at their first birthday party, there are 15 photos most parents seem to share - and some they don't.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

Breastfeeding friendly café goes viral

A photo of a breastfeeding-friendly sign in a cafe has been posted to Facebook and shared by hundreds of mums around the world.

First look at the Bugaboo Bee3

The newest Bugaboo Bee ? the Bee3 ? offers a variety of improved features, including a much asked-for bassinet and a rainbow of colour combinations.

Childcare costs, not paid leave, the real issue for parents

Given the choice between maintaining their wage for six months to have a child, or having a reduced rate of pay for a time but a better deal on childcare when returning to work, there are no odds on what most working parents would choose.

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

We lost three babies in two years

Our first pregnancy ended the way we all expected it to - with a healthy, happy baby in our arms. What a true blessing he was, for we were not to know the heartache we were about endure.

Family turned back from doomed flight MH17

'There must have been someone watching over us and saying, 'You must not get on that flight,' says mother who narrowly avoided boarding the Malaysian Airlines flight which exploded in mid-air over the Ukraine last night.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Adorable Skeanie loafers for kids

Your little toddler or preschooler can now get their nautical on with a new range of classic loafers by Australian show brand Skeanie.

My baby is hypermobile

For months, I have been telling myself not to worry that Jasmin isn't crawling or walking. This week I heard the term hypermobile for the first time.

When you don?t bond with your baby

They say that there is no bond greater than the bond between a mother and her child. But for some women, the mother-baby bond takes more time and effort to develop.

Yumi Stynes: Having a baby after a 10-year break

After a long break, Yumi Stynes gets a reminder of the pain - and the pleasure - of giving birth.

Grieving father asks for help to Photoshop his daughter's image

When Nathan Steffel's daughter Sophia died from a liver condition at just 6 weeks old, he reached out for someone to create a beautiful image of his little girl.

Raising kids in a 'low media' home

Can you imagine a life without TV or computers? Some parents are opting for a low-tech, screen-free life for their kids.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

The beautiful moment a baby was born at the side of a road

It's not where she expected to give birth, but mum Corrine Cinatl is delighted that her daughter's roadside arrival was captured in a series of beautiful photos.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

The Nappy Collective starts new drive

It's that time of year when the dedicated volunteers at The Nappy Collective do their bit to help out mums and children in need - and they need your help.

Baby shower cake wrecks

From misshapen cake babies to questionable text, from odd colour choices to internal organ recreation, these are the baby shower cakes that taste forgot.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

Pregnancy progression photo ideas

Want to record your pregnancy as your belly grows? Here are some creative, fun ideas for photo shoots along the way.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Tin can craft and DIY ideas

Got a few old formula, Milo or coffee cans around the house? Use these fantastic upcycling ideas to create items for around the house and yard.

Dads meet their newborn for the first time

Emotional photos of two fathers meeting their newborn son have resonated with viewers worldwide, attracting thousands of Facebook likes and shares.

Skin safety isn't just a summer worry

Lax about the slip slop slap with your kids as weather turns cooler? Here's a reminder as to why we have to remain vigilant for our children?s future health.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

Creative sleeping baby photoshoots

See how some parents and photographers have captured sleeping babies in unusual positions and using different props.

DIY kitchen and food hacks

DIY your way to a better kitchen and make cooking easier with our clever hacks. (Some content reproduced with permission from mashable.com.)

Winter warmers for babies and toddlers

Your baby or toddler will be nice and snug in these beautiful and fun winter pieces. Most are hand-made or knitted, and they're all designed to keep your little one toastie - and adorable!

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.