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3.5yr old not coping with newborn
5 replies to this topic
Posted 10 November 2012 - 10:46 AM
DS is 3.5yrs, DD is 7.5 weeks. At first we thought he had taken being big brother in his stride, fast forward 2 weeks & we start getting some poo accidents, didn't make a fuss as I have heard of this being a big area they regress in after a new baby. A few weeks of rewarding poo's on toilet & getting his old potty back out so its easier to go & he was preferring the big toilet no issues, still an occasional accident but not one everyday so thought things were getting better until last night when we had a big oh sh*t hes not coping moment! He asked for a bottle when it was bed time, he has not had one since he was 21 months! When we went through that with him & hes a big boy he started telling us no hes not a big boy hes a little boy It broke my heart to see him saying this & getting upset about being a big boy, I tried asking him why he wants to be a little boy but he wouldn't answer. I have had a rough few weeks of DD not sleeping very well through the day or growth spurts so just wanting to feed, I have a feeling me being with her so much is what has brought this about, so my question is what can we do to help him get passed this? He dotes on her most the time, will pat her when she gets upset, gives her a dummy, snuggles in bed of a morning, tells us he loves her. Its hard to spend 1 on 1 time with him as DH works quiet a bit as we are self employed but I'm guessing I really need to find a way to do it. I would love to hear others thoughts on how we can help him adjust, he is at daycare 3 days a week & he had 2 accidents on Friday (which he hasn't had an accident there for a long time) they rang me about it because it was so out of character, I'm going to have a chat to his room leader so they know whats happening & I was thinking of asking if they can maybe do some kind of activity about how being a big brother or sister is good, maybe they can share stories of their new siblings? Any ideas, I'm just feeling so lost & upset that he is feeling like this
Posted 10 November 2012 - 01:53 PM
Hi, can you find some time to take DS out without your baby? Do you have relative or friend who can watch bub while you and DS have 'special time' - even if it's only 1/2 hr? I understand it's hard but it sounds like he sees bub getting all your attention (whereas previously he got it) and is regressing a little. Also is he involved? ie. he can help getting nappies/wipes etc and you can say 'thank you' from baby.. so he feels important and appreciates being a 'big boy'. Good luck.
Posted 10 November 2012 - 02:33 PM
DD was 2.5 when I had DD2.
We went through something similar for a while. DD would get jealous of her sister and would tell me to take her back to the hospital. It didn't last long luckily.
We praised her when ever she would help me with her new sister (getting a bib / nappy or 'shhing' her). I'd remind her what a wonderful big sister she is being. I'd try fit in lots of cuddles with her whenever possible. I'd remind her of all the things she can do now she is big 'Seeing as you are such a big girl now - lets bake some cakes together'. I'd try to squeeze in as much one on one time as possible (usually while DD2 was napping).
DD got a bit upset that she had to go to daycare while I was at home with her new sister. So I would try to turn it around and ask if she's like to show off her sister to her friends at drop off and pick up? All the little ones would crowd around and she got to declare that it was her new special sister. I'd tell her that I'm only leaving to do boring things, and her sister is going home to sleep, but she gets to stay and play fun games with her friends!
Also, when trying to settle DD2, I'd get DD to sing her a song. When DD2 would finally fall asleep, I'd tell her that it must have been her wonderful singing that got her sister to sleep and I couldn't have possibly done it without her.
She'd always be very proud of herself.
Now DD is 4 years old and DD2 is almost 20months. When ever DD2 hurts herself or gets upset - she always calms down when DD sings to her. It really is so sweet to watch. While they still have their arguments they get on the majority of the time.
Posted 10 November 2012 - 09:57 PM
Mine were closer together in age, but same issues of splitting attention between the two.
There were times when DD2 was crying and so was DD1, where I'd say "DD2, it's DD1's turn for a cuddle right now. You need to wait your turn." My theory was a 3 week old isn't going to be bothered by being left for half a minute while the older one is given a cuddle, but it helped the older one immensely. She continued to feel important and attended to. I would also give her cuddles with one arm as she sat next to me while I fed DD2.
Posted 10 November 2012 - 10:32 PM
Thanks for the replies. So far everything is pointing towards what I was thinking, DH is home by 3.30pm tomorrow so he is going to have DD while me & DS do something special together which is probably going to become an every Sunday thing Unforatuanatley (or not depends who were talking about) we have no immediate family other that BIL who would not be up for a 7 week old, hes great when they are older though I started today getting him to come help change nappies, didnt think he'd be interested but he was! He helped pull pants off, spray the cloth so it was wet to wipe & put socks on DD had a 1.5hr nap today so we played cars, even kept playing while I fed when she woke up so he was happy to tell Daddy about that when he came home. He was a lot better come bedtime tonight He has a few days not wanting to go to daycare, sometimes its more he doesnt want to stop playing, Ivee been to scared to play the show off your sister card incase it makes it worse, I will try it at least next time & see, even saying we are only doing boring things may work (although he did call our bluff one day when we said he had to stay in his room were werent prepared for 'ok' lol).
Posted 11 November 2012 - 05:08 PM
I think you are doing all the right things to help him adjust. When we had DD2 we were lucky DD1 who was nearly 2 seemed fine except for a few days at the beginning where she wanted the bottle, wrap, capsule, dummy etc. after battling her for a few hours we just gave in and let her have all those things. Once she realized she could have them she didn't a want them anymore. She drank a few sips from a bottle of formula and said yuk. She sat in the capsule for a while and then forgot about it.
It soon all passed! Now DD2 is 3 and DD1 just loves her to bits. This phase for your DS will pass once the baby settles in a bit more.
We have number 3 on the way and I think DD2 might react the same way as she has been the baby for 3 years. It takes time to readjust where everyone fits in the family.
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