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New group of girlfriends
But the dynamic might be wrong

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#1 blondie82

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:25 PM

Hi all,
I'm not really sure how to exactly word this but I have a small dilemma.

I have been getting together with a new group of lovely ladies and their kids and we have met up a few times and on the whole we all get along and can have a bit of a laugh etc but there is this one girl (who I will call 'J') who doesn't seem to be clicking quite right.

I basically had some of the ladies over today and I bought out a nice bottle of bubbly for us to share along with some nibbles. We finished the bottle and thought we would then casually move onto coffee but J then decided to head down the street to pick up some more. I thought 'righto, I'll just roll with this' but this second bottle basically ended up being her demise and everything snowballed form there.

The were some pretty wild comments made from J about certain things and the afternoon ended with her clambering all over my husband when he arrived home and me driving her and her young DD home as she was in no state to operate a vehicle.

I feel for J as I think there are some deep seated issues in her life but I'm just not sure if I can take on her on?

#2 Awesome101

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:40 PM

A group of you against one of her and yet you all did what she wanted instead of what the rest of you wanted? Simple, just say "no thanks" to the second bottle and have your coffee.

#3 Feral Becky

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:44 PM

Were you fit to drive, OP?

#4 TheGreenSheep

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:49 PM

What did she say exactly? Surely if she drive there, she had to think about staying under the limit to drive her DD home.
And what did your DH make of it? (I'd be none too impressed by that) and what did your other friends make of it?

#5 blondie82

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:00 PM

I was totally fine to drive. I had 2 glasses over a 5 hour period so I was fine.

I'm not sure what her thought pattern was in terms of getting herself home? That's a very good question. DH was giggling like a school girl when she was mauling him but then later confessed he was a little uncomfortable about it.

She was arguing a point with another lady about the difference between 'getting' a child to hold their urine intake when toilet training and she was also quite rude when she tried to give a little boy a flower (there were 5 girls and 1 boy) and he said no. She was banging on about gender stereotype and the like.

#6 Feral Becky

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:04 PM

Does she have a hubby OP?

#7 blondie82

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:13 PM

She's got a partner. She met him 4 months before she got pregnant. He's a little older than her (he's 60 and she's 36) and they do sleep in separate bedrooms and she also confessed she's in a 'sexless' relationship.

It just seems that this is alot to take on in a new group?

I know the other 2 ladies were a bit taken back by her. As one of them was leaving, J ran across the road, stole some flowers from my neighbors garden and proceeded to give them to the 2 little girls as they were being loaded into the car. It was lucky that one of the other ladies was there to intervene and 'shoo' the swarm of bees that were still attached to the flowers at the time......

Edited by blondie82, 09 November 2012 - 09:14 PM.

#8 Feral Becky

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:19 PM

She sounds like a nutter, TBH

#9 EsmeLennox

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:25 PM

I think it sounds like she's deeply unhappy, and perhaps a bit desperate for friends she can reach out to. do you know if she has much of a social circle or family otherwise? If she doesn't it might be that she is unloading on you guys becaus she doesn't have anyone else.

That said, I wouldn't be impressed with her behaviour around your DH, even if it can be put down to drinking too much. I would also cringe at the irresponsibility with drinking when she knew she had to pick up her child.

Only you will know if you can be a friend to her, I think I would find it difficult.

#10 kidwrangler

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:31 PM

Seems to me like she needed to blow off some steam and made a stupid mistake. All the mentioned behaviour occurred after she'd had too much to drink didn't it? I'm not sure it's fair to hold it against her. We've all made silly mistakes.

It is a bit sad that she wasn't able to think about her children and moderate herself. Again, possibly a one-off silly mistake. She may be too embarrassed to hang out with you again anyway.

Hopefully, you can give her the benefit of the doubt, not place too much judgement and be a real friend who supports someone if they need help... your post does sound like you are asking permission to cut her out of the group though. Maybe she felt out of place and judged so had too many drinks to get past it?

#11 TheGreenSheep

Posted 10 November 2012 - 07:21 AM

Well in the light of day she may be embarrassed by her behaviour. I'd be worried if she wasn't at all.

I guess it is up to you if you want to keep in touch with her. I'm sure if you were able to roll with it then so can your friends. So if there is alcohol around every time and she gets legless and argumentative then Id slowly back away. Goodluck!

#12 Weirdly Sane

Posted 10 November 2012 - 08:02 AM

Jemstar, Kidwrangler ; what lovely people you both seem to be.  Your posts seem full of compassion.

I agree, sounds like she isn't terribly happy to be behaving like that.
OP it depends on the background and how you've met this group and whether they travel in a pack IYKWIM.  I think I would be keeping an open mind but be a little cautious of enmeshing my whole life with the group (or with her) too quickly.  GreenSheep's recommendation is spot on.

#13 Therese

Posted 10 November 2012 - 09:48 AM

I am guessing she would be embarrassed too. If this is the first time it has happened I think I would just put it down to one of those things that can happen when too much alcohol is involved wink.gif

Of course if it continues to happen then it's probably worth distancing yourself from her but from what you have said I don't think I would be doing that right now.

#14 3plusme

Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:17 PM

I think "j" was in the wrong.  She was at someone's house with a responsibility to look after her  own daughter.  Getting drunk and having to be driven home is not being a good role model or a responsible parent.

Op if you don't want that to happen again.  Don't bring out any booze!

#15 ms flib

Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:23 PM

Give her a chance...

#16 Silly Sausages

Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:24 PM

I would give her another chance or maybe 2 but if she does the same thing again then that is pretty indicative of her behaviour.

#17 rainycat

Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:45 PM

I feel sorry for her too.  Maybe it was just a one off and she is really embarrassed today.
Give her another chance and perhaps you could call her to see if she is okay today.

#18 mandarins

Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:56 PM

QUOTE (rainycat @ 10/11/2012, 01:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I feel sorry for her too.  Maybe it was just a one off and she is really embarrassed today.
Give her another chance and perhaps you could call her to see if she is okay today.

But if she continues to behave similar in further situations then I would distance myself.

#19 --binda--

Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:57 PM

I'd feel sorry for her. Sounds like she has no real friends, and a sh*tty "partner".

#20 starfire

Posted 10 November 2012 - 02:26 PM

I'd give her one more chance.

I did something similiar once (not in a situation like this but was a new circle of friends) and it was very out of character for me (I just got carried away) and I was very embarassed by my actions when I realised the next day (while nursing a very bad hangover ph34r.gif ) and never did this again. I was very grateful that the group did not judge me too harshly by my behaviour. blush.gif

Give her a ring and see how she is going. If she does do this again on more than one other occassion, maybe give her the flick as it would indicate more than just an one off incident.

#21 Coffeegirl

Posted 10 November 2012 - 04:02 PM

QUOTE (blondie82 @ 09/11/2012, 10:13 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She's got a partner. She met him 4 months before she got pregnant. He's a little older than her (he's 60 and she's 36) and they do sleep in separate bedrooms and she also confessed she's in a 'sexless' relationship.

QUOTE (--binda-- @ 10/11/2012, 01:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd feel sorry for her. Sounds like she has no real friends, and a sh*tty "partner".

How did you get sh*tty partner from that?  Because he's older?  Maybe it's her choice to have a sexless marriage and seperate bedrooms.

OP - I think you need to give her another chance.  She may just be really stressed in her personal life and needed to 'let her hair down'.  Unfortunate that it was in those circumstances.

Give her a ring and see if she's okay.  She may just need someone to talk to.

#22 Funwith3

Posted 10 November 2012 - 09:21 PM

Maybe she was nervous and felt the need for more alcohol so she could relax. Some people are socially inept. I wouldn't abandon her just because she had a bad episode and made a silly decision to drink too much.

#23 paod

Posted 10 November 2012 - 09:30 PM

This sOunds like a women I know. I have had to cut ties completely because of the bad behaviour and inappropriate conversation topics

Good luck op

#24 blondie82

Posted 11 November 2012 - 07:46 AM

Just to update, I sent her a text yesterday asing if she feels better and I also thanked her for coming over etc etc. She in turn sent a long email explaining how embaressed she was and that she can't control her alcohol intake and is something she needs to work on. she also apologized for her behaviour towards my DH and she also hopes that thenother ladies don't hold her behavior against her.

She sounded very remorseful and I would imagine our next catchup will be a little uncomfortable for her but I am so glad she wrote that email.

I had no intention of 'cutting' her from the group (so to speak) immediately but did want some perspective on her behaviour and how I should handle it.

#25 His Boy Elroy

Posted 11 November 2012 - 08:02 AM

I would run....run for the hills OP.

We had a similar situation with a mum from school and it ended very messily.  Embarrassing us all and the school (small private school).

She had deep seeded issues and was a danger to all and sundry.

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