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What would you do in this situation?
nasty putdowns


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#1 liveworkplay

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:36 AM

Just want a few ideas on handling this situation. For a while now dd1 has been told by a classmate that she doesn't go to a real dance school as she doesn't do eisteddfords/competitions. I have told her to ignore said child as she is learning to dance and likes what she is doing. Now a classmate of dd2 is telling dd2 that she doesn't go to a proper swim school and that hers is for babies. Now our swim school is run by one of the top coaches in our area and the only reason my  friend (girls mother) pulled her kids out and put them in the YMCA was due to scheduling of her kids classes.

I just want to mop it in the bud now before it gets to the point of having and adverse effect on my kids. at the moment they are not too upset about it.

#2 Ianthe

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:40 AM

Just tell your daughter it doesn't matter what they think. They are entitled to their (petty) opinion. This to me would be an opportunity to talk to my daughter about true friends not being people that point score.

#3 katpaws

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:42 AM

Often children bully or taunt others so get a reaction, to get attention. If they don't get the reaction they are seeking - tears, anger, hurt etc - that can help them to stop it. It's hard explaining this to children. Not engaging in any dialogue with the bully/taunter can help.



#4 CountryFeral

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:49 AM

I would explain to my daughter that this girl is only doing this because she is jealous of you - otherwise why on earth is she interested?

People who aren't happy with their own situation try and ruin someone elses.

The last thing she wants to do is lower herself to this girls level so if she can a short "I hope that you like your swim/dance school, because I like mine - I think that is all that matters.."

#5 liveworkplay

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:56 AM

I do just tell them it's jealousy. Dd1 is good at ignoring it but dd2 is only 6 so finds it a bit harder. the trouble is that they have to socialise with these girls as dd1 is good friends worn the twin sister of her taunter and then play hockey together and dd1 is best friends with the brother of dd2s taunter plus we do lots of stuff.with that family.

I know it's just girls stuff but dh is finding it hard to deal with when.org happens on his watch.

#6 idignantlyright

Posted 09 November 2012 - 08:59 AM

There was a girl DD18 went to primary school with. They both played on the school pssa soccer team. This other girl kept putting DD down and telling her she wasn't good enough, that she couldn't play at the level she did. DD made a team at the same level this girl did about 2yrs after this girl, but the nastiness didn't stop.
It finally stopped when DD made it onto the state team for indoor soccer/futsal and this girl didn't. Then when DD went on to make it on to a tour of the US.
The other girl finally got hers when the club she said wanted her sooooo badly, got rid of her because she was not good enough.
Now DD is being asked why she isn't playing. Which is actually health reasons, because her body needs a break and they cannot figure out what is wrong with it.
So tell your DD to not listen to this other girl and stay strong and do what she wants and feels is right. Girls like this other one always get caught out in one way or another.

#7 JustBeige

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:03 AM

I think its better to give your kids tools to deal with this type of behavour in a positive way as its never going to go away. Even in adulthood you get people who put others down to make themselves feel better.

I find that if my reaction is "meh" then they tend to take that onboard more and do the same to the child.

When they come to me to talk about personal interaction issues, I always ask them "Why does it matter what this child thinks?"   Most of the time, they go "oh yeah" and its like they then feel they have permission to just ignore this person.  Other times we talk about how true friends treat you and care for you.

My youngest has had to deal with bullying/meaness more through his years and he finds the best course of action (when someone is doing the 'you're not good enough because of xyz') is to ask them why they care.    He just recently said to someone "you dont like me, I dont like you, so why do even care what I do?"     This worked for him as they just flounced off and apparently a teacher who overheard was also happy with his handling of the situation.

#8 liveworkplay

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:11 AM

justbeige, I never thought to tell them that. I do say just ignore it, you know they are wrong, they're just jealous, but telling them to ask the other person why they care is a great one, thanks.

#9 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:12 AM

We try to explain the other childs motivation for being this way to our child.  So I might try to explain that the other child obviously feels threatened and therefore feels the need to put down my childs experience.  We ask our child to try and ignore it and not engage the child.
It will continue right throughout life so it's a good skill for your dd to learn now.

#10 liveworkplay

Posted 09 November 2012 - 09:12 AM

dp

Edited by liveworkplay, 09 November 2012 - 09:13 AM.


#11 Anemonefish

Posted 09 November 2012 - 10:01 AM

QUOTE (JustBeige @ 09/11/2012, 10:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think its better to give your kids tools to deal with this type of behavour in a positive way as its never going to go away. Even in adulthood you get people who put others down to make themselves feel better.

I agree with this. I always tell my DD to ignore mean comments and not worry about what people think of her or say about her.

It's not just a girl thing. And often it comes from their parents. I overheard one of DD's closest male friends telling DD that he got his bag free from school because his school was better than hers because his parents pay for it (private school, it was a school bag, his parents would have paid for it), and he told DD, "You're not going to the same school as me because your parents can't afford it". Because they are such close friends, and I'm close friends with his mum, I mentioned it to her, and she admitted that she'd been trying to get him to behave better at school and pay more attention so she had told him that he was going to a very good school that they had to pay for and that my daughter couldn't go to because we couldn't afford it, in an effort to make him appreciate his school. I think she had also been telling him how well my DD had been doing at school to encourage him to try harder, but I think it just made him feel jealous/resentful, hence his comments to my DD.

#12 Therese

Posted 09 November 2012 - 10:09 AM

QUOTE (JustBeige @ 09/11/2012, 10:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think its better to give your kids tools to deal with this type of behavour in a positive way as its never going to go away. Even in adulthood you get people who put others down to make themselves feel better.

I find that if my reaction is "meh" then they tend to take that onboard more and do the same to the child.


I agree with this. It is tricky I know especially when they are little but I keep reminding myself that learning how to deal with it now should hopefully help them throughout life.

#13 Guest_~Songbird~_*

Posted 09 November 2012 - 11:50 AM

I always break out the talk on mean people and nice people when these situations pop up. I tell my child that there will always be mean kids and adults, some people are just mean and some are nice and you ignore or put the mean ones in their place and hang out with the nice ones.

They have to learn sooner or later that not everyone is nice and even in the adult world you have petty immature behavior (just look at EB).

#14 Propaganda

Posted 09 November 2012 - 11:58 AM

This is going to continue for the rest of her childhood (maybe even beyond that), so you may as well start teaching them not give much thought to what other people say.

#15 ubermum

Posted 09 November 2012 - 12:14 PM

QUOTE (liveworkplay @ 09/11/2012, 09:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I just want to mop it in the bud now before it gets to the point of having and adverse effect on my kids. at the moment they are not too upset about it.

You want to what?

#16 Guest_CaptainOblivious_*

Posted 09 November 2012 - 12:53 PM

My DD1 is in a class with a few girls like that. I've told her that she needs to ask herself whether what they're saying is true, and if it's not, it's probably that they don't know any better so she should just ignore them.

It's very clear from some of the behaviours, that it's a deliberate attempt to crap on her so I've also told her that some kids are nasty and spiteful and they will try and make you feel bad to make themselves feel better because they're jealous of you, so she should just feel sorry for them because their parents haven't done a very good job in teaching them how to be a good friend.

Normally when she's telling us about something that these kids have said (you're stupid, you can't write neatly,your colouring in is horrible, noone likes you)  I'll just say 'really? Is that right?' and she'll say 'no' and I just remind her that since it's not true, it doesn't matter. She's gradually learning to cope with it.

We're also teaching her the teenage eyeroll and 'whatever' under strict instructions that it's never to be used at home or with teachers specifically to try and take the power out of the things these kids say.

#17 zogee

Posted 09 November 2012 - 01:14 PM

QUOTE (Anemonefish @ 09/11/2012, 11:01 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I agree with this. I always tell my DD to ignore mean comments and not worry about what people think of her or say about her.

It's not just a girl thing. And often it comes from their parents. I overheard one of DD's closest male friends telling DD that he got his bag free from school because his school was better than hers because his parents pay for it (private school, it was a school bag, his parents would have paid for it), and he told DD, "You're not going to the same school as me because your parents can't afford it". Because they are such close friends, and I'm close friends with his mum, I mentioned it to her, and she admitted that she'd been trying to get him to behave better at school and pay more attention so she had told him that he was going to a very good school that they had to pay for and that my daughter couldn't go to because we couldn't afford it, in an effort to make him appreciate his school. I think she had also been telling him how well my DD had been doing at school to encourage him to try harder, but I think it just made him feel jealous/resentful, hence his comments to my DD.

Wow that was a bit of a judgement fail on  the mum's behalf  ohmy.gif at least she confessed to saying it!
OP my daughter is only 4 but I think there's some great suggestions here. I want my dd to be resilient and learn to ignore that kind of behaviour (something I was never very good at!)


#18 liveworkplay

Posted 09 November 2012 - 01:32 PM

QUOTE (ubermum @ 09/11/2012, 01:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You want to what?

laughing2.gif I'm on my phone at work. it was meant to say nip it in the bud wink.gif

#19 Anemonefish

Posted 09 November 2012 - 04:11 PM

QUOTE (zogee @ 09/11/2012, 02:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow that was a bit of a judgement fail on  the mum's behalf  ohmy.gif at least she confessed to saying it!

This friend is a little snooty about certain things, and she & I have opposing views about private vs. public schools (also hospitals). She often bags out both the public school system and public health, and while I usually try to not respond, sometimes I can't help myself. Both our kids are in Grade 3 and I recently found out that the Grade 3s at DD's school had the best overall scores in Naplan out of all the schools (both public and private) in our town. I'm going out with a group of girlfriends tonight, including this friend, and I'm a bit nervous I have too many wines and blurt this out in front of her!




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