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I feel I missed out on a normal labour


41 replies to this topic

#1 imamumto3

Posted 12 October 2012 - 06:57 PM

I love watching birth shows on tv, but while I watch I feel like I have some how missed out on a 'normal' birth.

first was a caeser.  then #2 &#3 were fast labours, no pushing and using gas and tens.  I didn't really have pain until delivery so no need for dh to massage me etc.  then the gas i used during delivery made me feel like I was floating and out of it, almost like I was watching but not part of it.  

anyone else feel the same?

#2 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:00 PM

Did you have healthy babies? If so, does it matter how they were born ?

#3 Charli73

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:01 PM

You wanted to be in more pain??

After 12 hours of labour pains and then an emergency CS I was happy to skip that pain for bub number 2!!!

#4 Starrydawn

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:04 PM

Define normal? There is no such thing. It sounds like you did pretty well.

#5 Jenferal

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:06 PM

What is a normal birth?
I don't know how you'd describe a normal birth.
What do you feel you missed out on? hours of pain? Having an epidural or pethidine shot?
Weeks of painful prelabour pains?
Why would you feel like you missed out?


#6 mini mac

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:07 PM

I'm with old grey mare... It's only 1 day. I would be thankful, not feeling ripped off!

I had two straight forward natural drug free (but still painful!) labours which I am so glad to have experienced.

I know loads of friends and women that would have much preferred a c-section or quick drug free labours than the pain/complications/length of time they had with their labours....

Concentrate on the future and not one (or three) days from the past that really holds little importance in relation to your children and your relationships now

#7 imamumto3

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:14 PM

Maybe normal isn't the right word.  maybe it was just that my births were so fast and full on that it was a bit overwhelming and that it just doesn't seem to be what most people experience.  crazy I know

#8 jeska~and~her~secret

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:21 PM

I agree with the PPs that there is no 'normal' labour.

However, my first labour was as 'desirable' as they get - 16 hours, no pain relief, an hour of pushing, and a healthy baby delivered vaginally with no tears.

Would I do it again? Hell no! For my second labour I plan to have access to an epidural to control the pain. I had no idea it could hurt that much. I really don't need to experience that again.

So, OP, I envy your experience of short labours and minimal pain... Fingers crossed my next one will be similar.

ETA: when I say 'desirable', I mean desirable to those women who want to birth naturally and without interventions. Not desirable to those who know in advance that they don't want to be in agony. wink.gif

Edited by jeska~and~her~secret, 12 October 2012 - 07:23 PM.


#9 feralgreenthumbs

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:25 PM

I had a 'normal' labour for about 14 hours until it was decided DS was stuck. I was prepped for caesar, given a spinal block, then they managed to get him out with forceps.

I hated the feeling the morphine gave me. I felt so spaced out, all my emotions from that time are so false. I understand you feeling 'ripped off' as I guess that's how I feel because DS was ripped from me rather than me pushing him out. You can't control how you feel.

No advice, just 'I hear ya' sad.gif . Write your birth story, time will hopefully help.

#10 libbylu

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:27 PM

What is a normal labour?
Mine lasted 48 hours, I was delirious with exhaustion and after 2+ hours of pushing, he was stuck (posterior) and wouldn't come out. I ended up with an emergency c-section.
I think you just have to accept the experience you end up with, unless of course it was overly traumatic, in which case counseling can be a good idea.

#11 noonehere

Posted 12 October 2012 - 07:36 PM

No such thing as normal i believe but i will swap you my 36 hours posterior ending csection with 5 failed epis.

I could not even hold my DD as i was so dopped up.

#12 Jenferal

Posted 12 October 2012 - 08:18 PM

FIVE failed epis???
I thought one failed one was bad enough.

How can they stuff up 5??


#13 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 12 October 2012 - 08:31 PM

Kind of. I ended up being induced but had been looking forward to waters breaking and contractions and excitement of going to the Birth Centre but it didn't work out like that.

I never Had a problem with my labour though until I met a group of mothers who gave me sh*t for being induced and having an Epi, then I felt bad and questioned whether I had made the right choices, now I don't care again.

#14 seepi

Posted 12 October 2012 - 08:35 PM

I understand a bit. I had one bad back labour with hours of pushing and an episiotomy, followed by a very sick baby and a bad hospital experience.

next two were super fast labours. No time for DP to do massage, or for the midwives to work out my name, getme into a birth suite, let alone my birth preferences  etc. and scary pain, although over quickly.

In fact it is over so quickly it is like it never happened. I went into shock after number 2, and had a pethidine shot after he was out! I spent ages after number 2 was born asking DP about every detail of the birth, just trying to work out sort of what happened.

I did a bit of reading for precipitate births before number 3 - I was worried how quick it might be and how I would handle it. Anyway - the shock, and the endless questioning of anyone else who was there about details are apparently common.

Calm birth says the idealish labour is around 6 hours of gradual build up - you can get used to the pain gradually, and work on your techniques like swaying and visualising and vocalising.

You feel like an absolute twit swaying and vocalising when you aren't in much pain yet - but then once it hits like a truck with a precipitate birth it is too late.

Still - I have come to terms with mine. Not a lot of people get the perfect 6 hour labour with a lovely midwife, a nice birth suite, a bath and nice masage etc.

ps - you didd better than me - they never even offered me any gas. A big thing with a precipitate birth is that the midwives are caught out by it, and instantly snap to focus on the unexpected baby, and forget about the mother altogether.

Edited by seepi, 12 October 2012 - 08:39 PM.


#15 elmo_mum

Posted 12 October 2012 - 08:53 PM

be grateful for a safe arrival after your birth

i was 8 hours, just gas...
i never got skin to skin, or to hear my baby cry...
he was taken straight to nicu and spent 4 months there...

my first real hold was at 5 weeks...
skin to skin never really happened till he was 2 months...


so yea, i was ripped off in the birth stakes

btw, bubs was born at 24 weeks, so i also missed my pregnancy...i now have a healthy happy 7 month old
i feel blessed that i have a healthy bub, and dont focus on my "bad experience....."

#16 imamumto3

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:02 PM

QUOTE (seepi @ 12/10/2012, 09:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I understand a bit. I had one bad back labour with hours of pushing and an episiotomy, followed by a very sick baby and a bad hospital experience.

next two were super fast labours. No time for DP to do massage, or for the midwives to work out my name, getme into a birth suite, let alone my birth preferences  etc. and scary pain, although over quickly.

In fact it is over so quickly it is like it never happened. I went into shock after number 2, and had a pethidine shot after he was out! I spent ages after number 2 was born asking DP about every detail of the birth, just trying to work out sort of what happened.

I did a bit of reading for precipitate births before number 3 - I was worried how quick it might be and how I would handle it. Anyway - the shock, and the endless questioning of anyone else who was there about details are apparently common.

Calm birth says the idealish labour is around 6 hours of gradual build up - you can get used to the pain gradually, and work on your techniques like swaying and visualising and vocalising.

You feel like an absolute twit swaying and vocalising when you aren't in much pain yet - but then once it hits like a truck with a precipitate birth it is too late.

Still - I have come to terms with mine. Not a lot of people get the perfect 6 hour labour with a lovely midwife, a nice birth suite, a bath and nice masage etc.

ps - you didd better than me - they never even offered me any gas. A big thing with a precipitate birth is that the midwives are caught out by it, and instantly snap to focus on the unexpected baby, and forget about the mother altogether.

I was given the gas as soon as I got in the delivery suite.  then the midwives left thinking first time labour it will be a while.  not long after they left I remember telling dh I can feel something coming out, he went and got the midwife, who casually strolled in the door saying "well lets have a look", like we were wasting her time, to yelling " OMG, I need a witness here" as she caught the baby coming out!

btw, this is not something I think of every day & I am grateful that I have (fairly) healthy kids and safe deliveries, but when I watch these birth shows it just gets me thinking

#17 Feral-Lausii

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:04 PM

QUOTE
However, my first labour was as 'desirable' as they get - 16 hours, no pain relief, an hour of pushing, and a healthy baby delivered vaginally with no tears.


Im sorry but I'll take my average 2-3 hour labour over 16!!! Omg 16 hours would have seen an epidural for sure.. biggrin.gif

OP, mine are fast and furious too. I often have laid there after and felt like I've run a marathon. My quickest was 50 minutes and I remember being shaky after that one due to just how damn quick he made his way into the world! I don't think there is any normal labour, and I am thankful I have given birth to all 5 children safely and easily without any issues.

And a lot of those birthing shows would cut a lot out too!

#18 Gumbette

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:05 PM

I had 2 fast labours, 1st was 45 minutes with just gas, 2nd was 3 hrs with an epidural so no pain at all, both were healthy babies.  What can I say - I'm so grateful - I cringe when I hear about long labours. I don't understand p*ssing competitions when it comes to labour - natural, caesar, epi, gas, stitches, tearing, no tearing - who cares. Millions of women won't ever be able to fall pregnant, and of those who do many don't get to take home a healthy baby - as a woman who struggled with infertility for years I'm just happy I finally got to be a mum.

#19 jennywin

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:16 PM

oh you poor poor lucky thing!

#20 dulcinea

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:24 PM

Sorry to hear you feel you missed out. I also have fast and furious labours, but they do have their upside and I have made my peace with the way it seems to work for my body.

As with anything, things don't always work out the way we expect them to. That's life, and everyone is different. Maybe have a chat to someone about it? Ask the hospital to go over your notes with you? Or ask an experiences doctor or midwife to explain what happens at a precipitate birth, in terms of the physiology. For myself, I find "knowing" helpful.

And to those who say birth and feelings don't matter: I am calling BS! Of course it matters. How would you feel if you were grieving/sad and someone told you it didn't matter. She's entitled to her feelings and it is absolutely legitimate to feel ripped off, even by your own body. I swear if I hear that "healthy baby" line one more time I'll scream!

#21 rosiebird

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:33 PM

QUOTE (dulcinea @ 12/10/2012, 09:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Sorry to hear you feel you missed out. I also have fast and furious labours, but they do have their upside and I have made my peace with the way it seems to work for my body.

And to those who say birth and feelings don't matter: I am calling BS! Of course it matters. How would you feel if you were grieving/sad and someone told you it didn't matter. She's entitled to her feelings and it is absolutely legitimate to feel ripped off, even by your own body. I swear if I hear that "healthy baby" line one more time I'll scream!


But in what way did she miss out? The OP describes having two drug-free uncomplicated vaginal births - that seems to be the gold standard for avoiding post-birth disappointment. Is there some magic number of hours of labour pains you need to endure before you can claim the perfect birthing experience? Sorry, but this doesn't make sense to me. I completely understand being upset by a "healthy mother, healthy baby" comment if the birth was traumatic, but not if it just didn't fit a stereotyped image of what you think labour should be.

#22 Feral Nicety

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:38 PM

Precipitate labour is hard emotionally for most women who have it.  It's devastating quick and not how we expect to experience labour.

A good friend of mine delivered her baby in 15 minutes from the time she realised she was in labour.  I knew someone else who delivered all 3 of her babies in 30 minutes (and had home births).  They both talked about how violent they found the process of such quick births.

You're perfectly entitled to have the feelings around your births OP just as all the people taking pot shots are entitled to their feelings (the pot shots are uncalled for though wink.gif ).

#23 dulcinea

Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:55 PM

QUOTE (rosiebird @ 12/10/2012, 10:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
But in what way did she miss out? The OP describes having two drug-free uncomplicated vaginal births - that seems to be the gold standard for avoiding post-birth disappointment. Is there some magic number of hours of labour pains you need to endure before you can claim the perfect birthing experience? Sorry, but this doesn't make sense to me. I completely understand being upset by a "healthy mother, healthy baby" comment if the birth was traumatic, but not if it just didn't fit a stereotyped image of what you think labour should be.


Sorry, but since when do other people get to decide what is meant to be a disappointing experience for a particular individual? Precipitous births can be very traumatic actually, because it happens so quickly.

I had a very fast labour with DS, and in many ways I wish it would have gone differently. For starters I would have liked some help instead of having to catch him myself. There was no one there. The first 10 minutes of DS life were a mad scramble for help. Not a pleasant feeling. Also there was no lovely bonding experience as with DD's birth (which was on the faster side but fairly normall). No photos either. I love looking at the one's of DD's birth, and I would really love to have some of DS's birth. sad.gif And as much as DS and I were perfectly healthy and well, I still would rather have had a longer labour with a skilled assistant.

It doesn't matter what side of "normal" you feel you are on, it's still valid to feel you missed out.

Although I do agree with some of the PP, mass media have a lot to answer for when it comes to what most people regard as a normal birth.

#24 kay11

Posted 12 October 2012 - 11:08 PM

Do you feel depressed about it?

I just wonder and sorry if it's completely off the mark, but back in the 'dark ages' when PND was not described and certainly untreated, my mum was very very focussed on her births and her 'unnecessary c-sections'. I agree she had poor care, but the depression really hit hard and she really focussed on the one day. All of my siblings and I were born healthy.

It's fair enough to look at how your expectations weren't met around birth, but after a while if you're feeling down about it maybe speak to a GP and get checked for PND. If you're several years after the birth and still feeling enormous sadness and anger about care at birth might be more significant then just a bad birth experience. Just my experience with things anyway.

#25 OneProudMum

Posted 12 October 2012 - 11:28 PM

I've experienced both extremes and the only thing I disliked about my easy birth was the 3 injections in my clitoris post birth. It was a b**ch.



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