Remember when all you had to do to leave the house was slip on some footy shorts, a pair of thongs and shut the door behind you? Remember when you could watch music videos on a Saturday morning without feeling a little bit pervy and outraged at the same time? If any of this is in the dim recesses of your mind it's a good sign you've got a dose of fatherhood. Here are some other surer-fire signs:
- The clothes you wear at home are just older versions of the clothes you wear to work.
- The only time you get new clothes is on Father’s Day.
- You find it hard to enjoy yourself at the pub because you’re constantly outraged by the high prices and loud noise.
- Your dream car is now any vehicle that won’t get scratched when a child rides a bicycle into it. Or any car that doesn’t have stickers on the passengers’ windows, smeared chocolate on the seats or more seats than cylinders.
- You strongly suspect that you have started smelling like your own father.
- You love mowing the lawns because the mower scares the kids away.
- You wake up one day and find you relate to the people who call into talk-back radio.
- You volunteer to pick the kids up from parties so you can have first dibs on the lollies they don’t like in their lolly bag.
- After finishing your own meal you’re presented with everyone else’s leftovers.
- You start using the phrase “back in my day” without any hint of irony. Likewise “I don’t know how my parents coped”, “I don’t ever remember being like that when I was a kid” and “we never had that when I was young and we got by just fine”.
- You get oddly emotionally moved by ads about superannuation or financial planning, but not enough to make you do anything about it.
- You have to stop yourself from asking teenagers on public transport from being quieter and hitching their pants up higher.
- You slow down when you see hard rubbish on the nature strip.
- You consider any music released in the 1990s as ‘recent’.
- Being warm is more important to you than being fashionable.
- You identify more with Homer than Bart.
- The longest uninterrupted conversation you’ve had with your wife was in the car.
- The last time you went to see a band you left before the encore to beat the traffic.
- You can’t help answering Dora’s questions before the kids do.
- You know that to have any chance of getting some action the house must be completely tidy, you have to have been attentive for at least two hours in the last week, you have to be clean shaven and MUST be in bed by 10.30pm AT THE LATEST.
This post is a response to Bianca' Wordley's article, 'You know you're a mum when...'
Do you have any extra points to add to Joseph's list? Comment below!