'All my dreams of becoming a mother are slowly fading away'

I cannot express the feeling of trying time and time again with no results.
I cannot express the feeling of trying time and time again with no results.  Photo: Getty Images

I am over every month ending up with me being bedridden with pain, unable to go to work or do my usual day activities.

I am over the pain I am in everyday, regardless of what my 'time of the month' is.

I am over everyone asking me when we are going to have a baby, when we know it may not happen for us.

I am over the disappointment every month when we realise it hasn't worked, and seeing the disappointment in my husband's face.

I am over being on fertility treatment that makes me feel nauseous everyday, have hot flushes, feel bloated, emotional, and have heightened depression and anxiety.

I am over being told "just be positive" and "it'll happen when the time is right".

Most of all, I am over feeling like I am not enough of a woman to be able to conceive.

I have lived with endometriosis for as long as I can remember, however doctors did not believe me and just said it was bad periods. I would be crippled with pain, at random times of the month. I had bowel issues, pain during intercourse, and always felt low and tired, although my iron and other blood results were all fine.

It took years for one doctor to listen and give me a referral to a specialist. Finally I had surgery and received a diagnosis of endometriosis.

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This bought mixed emotions. I now had an answer but was worried what this would mean for my future. Would I ever be able to have kids?

We spent a year trying to conceive and after wondering why it wasn't happening for us, with us still being in our 20s, we received another blow. I was barely ovulating. While a normal woman's ovulation count is around 40, mine was 11.

I then had friends tell me to "relax", "remain positive" and at least I still had a "slight chance".

This did not help at all. It made me feel even more alone as they do not understand the grief we are going through.

All my dreams of becoming a mother are slowly fading away from me. While I still have a few options ahead, this isn't always enough to keep me feeling positive.

I am scared, I am grieving for something I don't have and may never have, but most of all I am worried my husband will end up leaving if I cannot conceive.

I cannot express the feeling of trying time and time again with no results. Sex is no longer fun, it is business and has become "scheduled".

After six months of having the 'clomid crazies' I am now on a new fertility treatment for another six months. While the side effects are not as bad, they are still there and will be for months if this does not work.

I envy women who get pregnant so easily. I feel bad that I feel hatred towards women who get pregnant when they don't want children, or don't want to care for them, when this would mean the world to me.

I am writing this in hope that other women who suffer similar feelings, pain, or are worried that something is not right, find a GP who will listen and take time to help them.

Please do not leave it if you feel that something is wrong, or wait until it's too late. Seek other opinions if your doctor does not listen.

I am also writing this in hope that women going through the same thing may be able to provide advice and share their opinions on coping strategies that have worked for them, to help other women out there who are also feeling alone.

* The author's name has been withheld at her request in the interests of privacy.

- Stuff NZ