Justine Davies
"I have a question that I would like reader feedback on, but also a professional opinion as well.
The situation – we have been trying to have a baby for several years now. We’ve pretty much run the A – Z of fertility treatments, but because of various medical factors that I won’t go into detail about, we’ve hit the brick wall. The one option left to us now would be an overseas adoption, which I think sounds great but which my hubby isn’t sure about. He doesn’t think that he would feel the same way about a child that wasn’t biologically his.
I should say, he is desperate to have kids – he probably wants children even more than I do – so he’s not making a snap decision against adoption. He has thought about it quite seriously and it is a genuine fear that he has.
What I would really like to know from other peoples’ experience is: how important is biology? Does it really make a difference to the way that you bond with your baby?
Thanks,
Tammy."
Hi Tammy, I have to admit a bias with this subject as I'm adopted and FWIW couldn't imagine a stronger bond than I have with my parents, or them with me. Certainly, my bond with my parents is a strong as my bond is with my own (biological) kids, if that makes sense.
However that's just my personal experience – I have also asked the professional opinion of Jennifer Newbould, counsellor and manager of ARCS - the Adoption Research and Counselling Service - and this is her advice:
"Interestingly, this fear is a common one which men in particular seem to have," she says. "Often, men become really anxious that they might not be able to bond. However the good news is that while it is a common pre-adoption fear, it's also an unfounded one. It would be a tiny percentage of men who don't then go on to bond very successfully with their adoptive children – for the vast majority it's a fear that just melts away."
After all, as Ms Newbould points out, we love our partner deeply without being biologically related – so why not a child as well? "Love is something that develops over time through shared experiences – it certainly isn't dependent on a biological connection," she says. "But it is great to openly discuss these sort of issues both together and with others so that you can work through any worries and concerns before you start the adoption process."
And Tammy, in many ways being open to the idea of adoption after your own attempts to conceive have failed is similar to being open to a new relationship after one has ended – in both instances you have to be able to let go of that previous situation before you can start a new chapter. If you haven't let go yet it can cause a fear of moving on (or perhaps, in your husband's instance a fear of being able to bond).
"It's important to allow yourself time to let go of that dream (of having a biological child) and to give yourself time to mourn that loss," says Ms Newbould. "That is difficult - both men and women can feel a sense of betrayal – that they are betraying their potential child by giving up. But being able to let go helps you to see an adopted child as their own entity – not as a replacement. That's very important."
So Tammy – perhaps consider some counselling. Or meet some families with adopted children to get the 'warts and all' perspective from them. And best of luck, I hope it all works out!
Do you have any advice for Tammy? Comment on Justine's blog.
