A letter from Baby Complaints Department: 'Our product is not broken'

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 Photo: Getty Images

Dear person with Baby,

Thank you for choosing Baby.

Baby has been an extremely popular product for many years.

That said, it was brought to our attention yesterday that many 'owners' of Baby have had difficulty with our product.

It is true that we have not yet been able to install an 'off switch' for Baby.

We attempted to install Baby with 'flight mode,' but this proved unsuccessful as well. (While some Babies are at ease in this mode, we have found that many Babies do not adapt well to high altitudes.)

We installed Baby with a capacity to Snooze. However, this setting is unable to be utilised when most desired, such as when a parent wishes to eat, shower or sleep.

There have also been many reports of Baby having difficulty with its Control Centre. This has led to issues such as overflow, both from its oral orifice (also known as its 'mouth') and from its rear end.

We would also like to acknowledge your disappointment in some of Baby's 'ringtones'.

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While Baby is reported to be delightful when 'babbling' 'cooing' or 'laughing', less desirable tones such as 'crying' 'screaming' and 'howling' have been noted.

Another common complaint lies in Baby's Privacy settings. We have been told that as soon as a parent wishes to engage in anything remotely Private (such as using the bathroom, or having 'alone time'), an Alert is issued to set off Baby's howling tone.

Instead of Wi-Fi, Baby comes equipped with its own patented technology known as 'Why-Cry?' (Baby's answer to this question is almost always, 'Why not?').

Please note, Why-Cry also cannot be switched off.

Those who brought Baby home over a year ago have also begun complaining that Baby does not stay Baby forever.

While we clearly state that in our informational packages, it almost always comes as a shock to those who chose Baby.

It is true, Baby will soon become Toddler. (Unfortunately, Toddler also has a few, ahem, 'kinks' in the system.)

Also, as many people have pointed out, once you bring home Baby it cannot be returned.

(We have been asked to firmly emphasise that this also applies to our Toddler range.)

Due to a combination of these issues, many people are concerned their Baby is 'broken' or 'malfunctioning'.

We would like to take this opportunity to reassure you these are common, and that they often resolve with time.

On the plus side, Baby is programmed with a new version of Adobe known as 'Adorableness'. We have found this feature helps people tolerate some of Baby's less desirable settings.

Baby also features a new version of Bluetooth, known as 'No Tooth'.

No Tooth smiles are particularly effective at making those who spend time with Baby smile, too.

Another popular feature of Baby is Carrier mode. When wrapped up in a bundle and carried in your arms, Baby fills you with megabytes of love.

We would like to tell you that we stand by our product and believe Baby will be a worthwhile addition to your life.

Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience caused by Baby. We reassure you we are doing our best to address these complaints.

Many thanks,

The Complaints Department at Baby Inc.

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