Kids are so fun but we all know they are secretly f**king with us. There are some universal truths in parenting and, much like Murphy's Law, the rule of thumb is: anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
1. The day you boast to your mothers' group that your child is an amazing sleeper is the day your child begins a sleep regression that lasts until they are three.
2. The more desperately you need your child to nap, the more rigorously your child will refuse to nap.
3. Your child will, however, sleep like the dead on the day you need to leave the house at a certain time.
4. As you carry your gravely ill child into the doctor's office they will undergo a miraculous recovery.
5. The more expensive and educational the toy, the more your child will hate it.
6. The amount of love and attention you put into making a meal for your child is directly proportional to the athleticism they will display as they throw it across the room.
7. The quieter the child, the more permanent the damage they are causing.
8. You will celebrate the day your fussy eater declares a preference for a certain food by buying a year's supply of that food. Your fussy eater will then declare a violent and physical repulsion for that food before you've finished unpacking the groceries.
9. Your child will wet themselves exactly two minutes after they promise you they don't need to go potty.
10. They will also wet themselves exactly five kilometres after you make a family pit stop on your road trip.
11. Your car-hating child will fall asleep two minutes before you arrive home. You will attempt The Transfer but you will fail. That two minute nap has now given them the energy of a thousand angry men.
12. The more excitement and planning involved in a rare girl's night out, the more heartily your child will start spewing the hour before your departure.
13. The more exhausted you are, the more enthusiastically they will tap dance on your last nerve.
14. Your child will want nothing to do with a toy until another child touches it.
15. The importance of the event and/or guests is directly proportional to the shittiness of your child's behaviour.
16. Your child will receive a self inflicted black eye, fat lip or ragged nail scratch to the face the day before the important event at which you planned for your whole family to be photographed.
17. After forty minutes of reminding/nagging, your child will wait until you are reversing out of the driveway to tell you they're not wearing shoes.
18. The exact thing you don't want your child to say will become their favourite phrase.
19. In a room the size of Narnia the only place your children will find to sit is on you.
20. The first night your baby sleeps through, you will suffer an attack of insomnia.
21. You will spend all day playing and building and crafting and feeding but the second daddy walks through the door you are a villainess who most likely beats her children with a stick.
22. Your children will happily entertain themselves until you step into the shower.
23. The more you boast about your child's special skills and talents, the more stupidly they will act in front of your friends.
24. The more devastating the carnage inside your child's nappy, the greater the death roll they will perform as you try to change them.
25. The satisfaction you feel after cleaning a room is directly proportional to the speed with which your child will appear to destroy it.
26. Your child will refuse to come into the house until you have freshly mopped your floors.
27. The more you treasure that sweet outfit they're wearing, the more permanent the stains they'll inflict upon it.
28. Your child will refuse water all day but bedtime will bring a thirst no water can quench.
29. The more deadly/ dangerous/ poisonous the item, the easier your child will locate it and/or put it in their mouth.
30. Your child will pour a full bottle of water over themselves on the one day you didn't pack a change of clothes.