Some people fall instantly in love with their baby. For some it’s a gradual process.
A dear friend of mine is expecting her first child soon and when we caught up the other day she peppered me with last minute questions on everything from the birth and breastfeeding to wrapping, sleeping and pram assembly. And it brought back to me how I felt in the lead up to my first baby, how new and scary everything was. So I thought I’d write down some advice for her, my own little guide on the first few weeks.
AMITY’S ADVICE FOR EXPECTANT MOTHERS
1. Yes, labour will hurt, as much as you’re expecting and possibly more. It will feel as though your body is being turned inside out and someone is giving you a vaginal chinese burn. But once you have your baby in your arms the pain melts away and is replaced by an incredible rush of euphoria that makes it worth it. Yes, really.
2. During the labour, when you feel as though you can’t go on anymore, when you’re begging for drugs even though you wanted a drug free birth, when your body and your mind want to give up - you’re probably in the transition stage, which means it’s nearly over. Hang in there! But if you choose to have pain relief, never feel like a failure. It is not a competition, everyone who gets a baby at the end wins!
3. Some people fall instantly in love with their baby. For some it’s a gradual process. Don’t feel bad if it takes some time to develop a bond with them, after all, you’ve only just met. It will come. And when it does it will astound you with its ferocity.
4. Your baby will probably be ugly when it comes out, but you will think it’s the most beautiful looking creature you have ever seen. When you look back at photos in years to come, free of the hormones and new mum love goggles, you will realise that everyone was humouring you when they agreed with your assessment. But you will appreciate that they did.
5. The first time you bath your baby they will feel tiny and slippery and breakable and you will feel nervous and overwhelmed and breakable. You will think the midwife thinks you’re incompetent because you ask obvious questions like ‘how often do I change their nappy?’ But they won’t, everyone is equally as overwhelmed and clueless at the start.
6. All midwives have their own style of swaddling and think theirs is the best. You will try and copy it but yours will never stay together or look the same. But, fear not, after doing it four thousand times you’ll be pretty good at it too.
7. Some midwives are divine creatures who will go out of their way to make you feel cared for and special. Others are grumpy and condescending and will make you want to cry. With any luck you’ll remember the good ones more.
8. In the first few days you will cry at some stage. It’s normal, go with it. If you are feeling tired, pressured or overwhelmed put a sign on the door and tell your visitors to stay away. They can see the baby when you get home but you will never ever get this time back. Savour it.
9. Breastfeeding can be one of the most beautiful experiences you will ever have in your life and has many benefits for you and your baby. But it can also be bloody hard to get right and for some it doesn’t work no matter how hard they try. Read up about it beforehand , seek the advice of a lactation consultant, focus on getting the attachment right, be patient and be persistent. But if all that fails, be kind to yourself if you need to let it go. A bottle-fed baby with a happy mum trumps a breastfed baby with a depressed mum.
10. Good days and bad days are normal. Bouts of crying and feeling overwhelmed are normal. Feeling like that every day with no joy in between is not. Tell someone if you feel like that and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
11. The amount of fluid that comes out of a tiny baby is astounding. They will spew on you as soon as you’ve changed out of your pyjamas and are feeling half decent and they will reserve the up the back poos for when they are in their best outfit and you are walking out the door to go somewhere special. It’s just the way they’re programmed.
12. Buy a copy of Baby Love, by Robin Barker. You will refer to it constantly and what’s not in there probably isn’t worth knowing.
13. Take your pram out for a trip before the birth and practice getting it in and out the car. The first time you do this with your baby, take someone with you. You would think, as a competent adult, that this shouldn’t be that hard. You’d be wrong.
14. There will be days when you don’t shower, brush your teeth, eat anything decent, get out your pjs, or do anything but have your boob out and pace the floor with an unsettled baby. Remember the mantra, this too shall pass.
15. In the beginning you will hand wash their clothes and bedding in lux soap flakes before they go anywhere near your baby’s delicate skin. After a while you will rip the tags off and dress them straight from the Target shopping bag. Enjoy this domestic goddess smugness while it lasts.
16. Everyone you meet will have advice on every choice you make. Particularly where, when and how your baby should sleep. Routine or no routine, in their room or co-sleeping, falling asleep in your arms or self-settling in their cot. Listen to their advice, thank them politely and then do what feels right for you.
17. You will learn to exist on less sleep than you ever thought possible. But you will sleep through the night again, I promise.
18. You will buy, or be given, a million different products to entertain, stimulate, soothe and occupy your baby. Most of these will be outgrown 12 months later, so don’t waste your money. However, you can never have too many books. Read to your child from birth, every study shows it makes them smarter, so you can take the credit when they graduate.
19. Trust your instinct, it is always right.
20. Although it feels like your life has been hijacked and you will be tired forever, this stage will over in a heartbeat and you will be celebrating their first birthday wondering where on earth the time went. Enjoy them being tiny and helpless and reliant on you, they will be running away and giving you attitude before you know it.
21. If you are worrying about whether or not you’re doing a good job, you probably are. If in doubt, a baby can never be loved, cuddled or kissed too much. Your child will not look back and remember how clean the house was, what they were wearing, how gourmet their meals were or how many toys they had, they will remember you being there, dancing around the room and laughing with them. Everything else can wait.
So there you go, I think that pretty much covers the basics for me. I would love to hear what your advice would be, based on your experiences. We could put together our own little Essential Baby Expectant Mother Manual! Share your advice on the EB forums.
Amity Dry is a writer, composer, singer and mum of two. She blogs for Essential Baby and is the writer and composer of ‘Mother, Wife and the Complicated Life,’ a new musical that takes a raw and honest look at marriage and motherhood. Follow Amity on Twitter.
