Rafael
When we found out that we were having triplets the first thing I said to Jon while panicking and in tears was: “if there is at least one boy please let me call him Rafael?”
I always loved this name, since I was a little girl. Not to mention Rafael Nadal - I am a huge fan!
As we knew the babies positions in my belly, I was always talking to them by name and Rafael and I grew very close to each other during my pregnancy. He was the most active one, always kicking me... during meetings at my work, waking me up in the middle of the night or when his father was playing the guitar… what a cheeky boy Rafael was going to be.
I used to say to everyone that Rafa would be the ladies man, he would charm everyone with his South American charisma - and I was right. There was not one girl/nurse that met my little Rafael that was not in love with him and hoping his fight would end on good terms.
One special nurse, Meagan, stayed with him until his last breath of air, crying with us until the last minute (nurses are just amazing people! I asked her how could she choose such a tough job and she said: “to help nice people like you through moments like this”).
Rafael was the reason the cesarean had to be done two weeks ahead of schedule at 32 weeks. He was in distress due to TTTS (Twin to Twin transfusion syndrome). Which we had worried throughout the whole pregnancy - as this is the main danger of having babies sharing the same placenta (as it happens with identicals). Felipe was more protected from this kind of risk being a fraternal triplet with a separate placenta. At every ultrasound we celebrated that everything was okay.
The TTTS Rafa suffered was a very rare type and very severe, it took probably just a few seconds to cause much damage.
It impacted his kidneys but we were always very confident this little fighter would overcome that. We were encouraged by doctors saying that in most cases the kidney recovers. Everything was going to be all right.
However there was more bad news to come. I will never forget the day we got the results of his brain scan, it crushed our hearts. There was severe damage and Rafael would probably have disabilities in learning and motor areas. He also had risks of becoming deaf due to some medications he needed (the same I was taking to get rid of the extra fluids in my body).
It made me sick to think that the same medication saving me could be damaging my boys hearing, but I still thought he would overcome anything. Even severe brain damage, which could also result into cerebral palsy. I just don’t believe in the impossible, I never did. Everything is possible, I said this to Jon a million times during our saddest days.
We went to the Royal Children’s everyday with the highest hopes for our little baby boy. Most times feeling so small and exhausted, hiding our tears from little Rafa. Always getting energy from our love for this little boy to celebrate each day, each smile, or even just an opening of eyes. We sang and read him stories, we held hands and calmed his tears.
Its weird but even now that Rafael is gone we both seem to be still waiting for someone to say that he is alright and is ready to come home.
And he did fight for his place but it seems this wasn’t his time.
He was on dialysis to help his kidneys to work but they did not, there was a blood clot now on the damaged side, and the other side started to shrink which was very concerning.
Regardless whatever doctors would say, I never believed anything would stop him. Any disabilities, any physical damage, Rafael would be fine and would be helped by our love and the love of his two brothers. He would be an amazing man. We would make everything work. Disabled people do great things.
This time I was wrong. I remember a dream I had, an angel that came to my house telling me that Rafael was really proud of us but couldn’t stay. It felt so real it kept me strong in the tough times to come.
After one month and one day of battles, Rafael left us. He was a tough and cheeky boy, who battled kidney damage everyday, and still found time to enchant many nurses along the way.
We still feel blessed for the experiences we had (and have), especially the beautiful month we had with Rafa. So many amazing days, so many loving moments, we even had the chance to get all our boys in the same room for an hour or so…
On top of that, one day before Rafael left, because he was no longer on dialysis or with any tubes, we were able to give him a lovely bath (some babies love baths and our boy was no different, spent the whole time looking into our eyes and enjoying the water).. After that we took him to a beautiful garden where he enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air. Best day ever and that’s why we didn’t imagine everything would happen so quickly – although we knew it could happen any day. Somehow in our hearts we always expected a miracle, we never lost hope.
In the end, Rafael left very peacefully and quickly in our arms without any pain. We chose to be sit in an open veranda in the hospital, facing a green field so he could feel the sun once more, the fresh air, the smell of the green grass…
We still feel happiness in our hearts for our beautiful 3 boys, and we are still full of joy for the 2 ones we will be raising. We simply deeply miss our little fighter a lot and will carry him in our hearts forever. Rafael is now our little angel that will look after us all.
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