Essential Baby blogger Amity Dry
I overheard a group of fathers talking the other day, trying to organise a catch up. When discussing dates one of them ruled out a night with the response "Can't do Saturday. Wife's going out so I'm babysitting the kids." And it took all my strength not to politely point out to him 'You can't baby-sit your own kids. That's called parenting.'
Lately my life has been consumed with the subject of marriage and parenthood, with the launch of my new musical 'Mother, Wife and the Complicated Life.' My days have been spent either writing about the topic, acting it out or doing interviews about it. And one particular article discussed the re-release of the book 'The Art of Being a Well Dressed Wife.' This often quoted book was published in 1959 and is more recently known as a joke gift for bridal showers, to serve as a reminder of all the things we won't be doing for our new husbands. The advice it offers now seems ludicrous to modern women, the pressure to look and act like the perfect Stepford Wife in order to keep our spouse happy.
However when I started to think about, particularly in the area of parenting, I had to wonder whether things had really changed as much as we'd like.
Read any 'study' on the share of domestic duties in the home and they will report the vast majority of women still take the greater load. Let's be honest, the vast majority of women could have told those conducting the study that and saved everyone a lot of time and money. We also could have also told them that, despite this generation of fathers being far more engaged with their children than previous generations, there is still a long way to go before it's equal.
However, another recent study argued that it should not be equal, that children are better off when their fathers spend time playing with them rather than helping with the drudgery and chores that goes with their care. I know when I read that article I quietly ripped it out of the paper before my husband got to it, lest I give him any support for that line of thinking.
So how much have things really changed since 1959?
Of course things have come a long way for women, with more of us than ever working both inside and outside the home. And fathers are undoubtedbly playing a greater role in their childrens lives, as opposed to the bit players they often were in the 50's. But, despite that, in most households it's still mothers who carry most of the responsibility in caring for their children, in addition to their own workloads. Modern fathers may now be capable of changing a nappy, running a bath or throwing together a stir-fry when required, but it is still us mums who give the most of ourselves.
Undoubtedly there are exceptions to this rule and I know plenty of dads who do share an equal role. But in most cases mothers seem to naturally put our children's needs ahead of our own more than fathers do. And I've never heard of Father Guilt.
My friends and I discussed this subject at a recent girls lunch in honour of a new baby born into the group. As we relaxed and enjoyed the bliss of a few hours of 'me' time we joked that it felt like a guilty indulgence, doing something purely for ourselves. I doubt that line would've been uttered at a boys lunch! Then, at the end of an unusually (and fantastically) long lunch we switched to coffee and water, so we would all be able to drive home and be there for the dinner/bath/bed routine. And we noted that if had been a dads lunch that's when they would have ordered the next round and decided which pub they'd head to next.
Because the difference is, no matter where we are or what we're doing, for a mother our kids always come first. If we're not with them we are thinking of them, what to cook them for dinner, whether their uniform is washed for tomorrow, whether they've had enough sleep, whether their homework is done, whether they've had enough stimulation, whether they've had too much stimulation – it never ends! I don't think dads think like that and I'm not sure if they ever will.
But maybe that's just how we're wired and it will never change? Maybe it's unrealistic to expect any different. Maybe the fact that women were designed to be able to do 400 things at once was for a reason?
Things have come a long way from 1959, but there's still a way to go. We may not have to put on our lippy and a smile before our husbands walk in the door but we still run around like mad keeping our lives running and our families happy. But wouldn't it be nice if in 2061 it was completely equal and our daughters simply took that for granted? Then again, that's probably as likely as me putting on my heels and an apron and serving my husband beef wellington when he gets home tonight. Thai take-away anyone?
Are things equal in your home or does one spouse take the greater share? Are you happy with the arrangement or does it frustrate you? And do you think things will ever change or that's just how it's supposed to be?
Comment on Amity's blog.
