Essential Baby blogger Amity Dry
A few months ago I saw an interview with writer Louise Sloan, discussing her book ‘Knock Yourself Up.’ Louise is a single mum who, after finding herself 38 and childless, made the decision to take matters into her own hands and have a child through sperm donation.
Watching the interview I was reminded of a debate I had a few years ago on that very topic during a family dinner party. It was at the end of a long night, many wines had been consumed, opinions clashed dramatically and things got very heated.
Interestingly it was mostly the men at the table who were so vehemently opposed to the concept of single mothers by choice, as though it ruled their existence unnecessary. They all felt it relegated their roles to nothing more than sperm donors and discounted the importance of a father in children’s lives.
But, while I completely agree in the vital importance of a father figure in a child’s life, I argued just as hard that if I found myself in my late 30’s and without a partner I too would have done everything I possibly could to have a child on my own. For me, the thought of never experiencing motherhood, simply because my relationship status wasn’t conducive, was unimaginable.
Besides that, as I pointed out, how many women end up being single mothers through no choice of their own anyway? Is it better for them to have gone into parenthood in love and unawares, only to have their partners leave them and end up raising their children alone, than it is to start out alone and prepared? I know you could argue that at least those children would know their father, be able to have a relationship with them. But, again, how many fathers are absent from their children’s lives through choice? Does it make it any less tough for that child than having a father who was never there to start with?
The men that night argued that it was selfish, that the mother was only thinking of herself. But aren’t we all thinking of ourselves when we embark on parenthood? If you think about it, there are many different reasons why people choose to become parents but almost all of them are selfish.
I have to admit, the idea of picking out a sperm donor you essentially know nothing about and then creating a life with that person is daunting to me. I know you can find out vital statistics, but you can’t determine the essence of a person through their height and hair colour. Are they are good man? Do they have a generous heart? Are they the type of person you would ever consider having a child with if you met them in person?
Using a sperm donor was against nature, the men argued. But, to that point, I asked them whether they would have been more comfortable with a women deliberately picking up a stranger in a bar with the specific intention of conceiving and raising his child, without him ever knowing. Or, worse still, with them knowing and being against it but having no choice in the matter. That point had them shuddering at the thought.
I watched a very interesting documentary once called Maverick Mother, about a woman who did exactly that in her quest to become a mother. While debating the idea of using a sperm donor to fulfil her dream of motherhood film-maker Janet Merewether met a man at a concert and they had a one-night stand. As she told the camera she offered him the choice of wearing a condom and he refused, therefore accepting the chance that a baby could potentially be conceived. It was and she had that baby, tracking down the stranger from the concert a year later to tell him he was a father.
Interesting, perhaps saying a lot about humans in general (or maybe just women in general) when he declined the offer to be part of his child’s life Janet was still hurt. She had made the choice to have the child alone, without his knowledge or permission, but I guess a part of her still dreamed of achieving the happy ending, the complete family.
I can’t imagine how challenging it must be to be a single mum, to cope alone in all those tough moments, to have no one to share the precious ones with. It must take an incredibly strong woman. But I know I’d do it if I had to, just as all women who find themselves in that situation do. And I think that anyone who fights against the odds to bring a child into this world because they want them so desperately probably appreciates them even more for it. And how can that be a bad thing for a child?
What do you think? Is it right for women to become single mothers by choice? What do you think the impact on their children will be and would you do it? Comment on Amity's blog.
Watching the interview I was reminded of a debate I had a few years ago on that very topic during a family dinner party. It was at the end of a long night, many wines had been consumed, opinions clashed dramatically and things got very heated.
Interestingly it was mostly the men at the table who were so vehemently opposed to the concept of single mothers by choice, as though it ruled their existence unnecessary. They all felt it relegated their roles to nothing more than sperm donors and discounted the importance of a father in children’s lives.
But, while I completely agree in the vital importance of a father figure in a child’s life, I argued just as hard that if I found myself in my late 30’s and without a partner I too would have done everything I possibly could to have a child on my own. For me, the thought of never experiencing motherhood, simply because my relationship status wasn’t conducive, was unimaginable.
Besides that, as I pointed out, how many women end up being single mothers through no choice of their own anyway? Is it better for them to have gone into parenthood in love and unawares, only to have their partners leave them and end up raising their children alone, than it is to start out alone and prepared? I know you could argue that at least those children would know their father, be able to have a relationship with them. But, again, how many fathers are absent from their children’s lives through choice? Does it make it any less tough for that child than having a father who was never there to start with?
The men that night argued that it was selfish, that the mother was only thinking of herself. But aren’t we all thinking of ourselves when we embark on parenthood? If you think about it, there are many different reasons why people choose to become parents but almost all of them are selfish.
I have to admit, the idea of picking out a sperm donor you essentially know nothing about and then creating a life with that person is daunting to me. I know you can find out vital statistics, but you can’t determine the essence of a person through their height and hair colour. Are they are good man? Do they have a generous heart? Are they the type of person you would ever consider having a child with if you met them in person?
Using a sperm donor was against nature, the men argued. But, to that point, I asked them whether they would have been more comfortable with a women deliberately picking up a stranger in a bar with the specific intention of conceiving and raising his child, without him ever knowing. Or, worse still, with them knowing and being against it but having no choice in the matter. That point had them shuddering at the thought.
I watched a very interesting documentary once called Maverick Mother, about a woman who did exactly that in her quest to become a mother. While debating the idea of using a sperm donor to fulfil her dream of motherhood film-maker Janet Merewether met a man at a concert and they had a one-night stand. As she told the camera she offered him the choice of wearing a condom and he refused, therefore accepting the chance that a baby could potentially be conceived. It was and she had that baby, tracking down the stranger from the concert a year later to tell him he was a father.
Interesting, perhaps saying a lot about humans in general (or maybe just women in general) when he declined the offer to be part of his child’s life Janet was still hurt. She had made the choice to have the child alone, without his knowledge or permission, but I guess a part of her still dreamed of achieving the happy ending, the complete family.
I can’t imagine how challenging it must be to be a single mum, to cope alone in all those tough moments, to have no one to share the precious ones with. It must take an incredibly strong woman. But I know I’d do it if I had to, just as all women who find themselves in that situation do. And I think that anyone who fights against the odds to bring a child into this world because they want them so desperately probably appreciates them even more for it. And how can that be a bad thing for a child?
What do you think? Is it right for women to become single mothers by choice? What do you think the impact on their children will be and would you do it? Comment on Amity's blog.
