Essential Baby blogger Amity Dry
‘Is motherhood really that hard?' asked TV reporter Jacinta Tynan in last weeks Sunday Life magazine, and in turn started a hot debate in online forums across the country. Many mothers-to-be thanked Jacinta for writing about the positive side of motherhood, rather than putting them off with all the doomsday promises of a life forever changed. However just as many mums responded angrily, frustrated by her insinuation that if motherhood wasn’t a piece of cake for you, you were doing it wrong.
So, which side are you on? Do you think we have all become too quick to talk up how hard it all is? Or do you think Jacinta is a smug mum of one easy baby who will learn soon enough it’s not as easy as she thought?
For the first few paragraphs I was in agreement with Jacinta, as she wrote…
‘There is one thing nobody warned me about when I became a mother: what a breeze it would be. I was warned about everything else. All I had been told since I became pregnant was to prepare myself for the toughest job of my life. For years of sleep deprivation, boredom (yes, boredom) and my life not being my own. I was bombarded with tales of cracked nipples, all-night vigils and vomit on the carpet. I was more than mildly worried, as a result, about how on earth I would cope. I am someone who needs my sleep and had a decades long habit of calling my own shots. Would the requirement to be at the beck and call of a little one – even my little one – do my head in?
So, I got the most pleasant surprise to find that being a mum is one of the most seamless, joyful, intuitive things I have ever done. Yes, there are sleepless nights (many of them, in a seemingly endless row), but there is nothing difficult about being up all night with the love of your life.’
Now, I don’t know if I’d use the word ‘breeze’ but I also found early motherhood less of a challenge than I anticipated. I too was surprised by the fact that I was so in love with my son I would literally bounce out of bed for night feeds, just to see his smiling face. Jamison was not a good sleeper by any accounts, but I found I was able to function on very little rest and not resent him in the slightest for the imposition. I was equally thrilled to find how naturally mothering came to me and amazed that I could spend an entire day doing nothing but looking at him and feel completely content.
However, as she went on, she lost me. As she wrote….
‘I know I only have one child who is healthy and I, thankfully, escaped the cruel curse of postnatal depression, but still I can't see what all the fuss is about.
Ask me if I have another, but from where I stand motherhood is a cinch. Yes, it is tiring, and yes, it is time-consuming with showers and emails a sudden extravagance. But it is not hard.’
A cinch? Not hard? Are you kidding me?
Motherhood is bloody hard. However, it is also, as Jacinta states, ‘exhilarating and rewarding.’ But can’t it be both? For me it is. I have moments where the love I feel for my son is so intense it is euphoric. And I also have moments where he frustrates me so much I can feel my blood boiling (my baby girl is all euphoric at this point!) On the days when everything is going right it is the easiest, most rewarding, job in the world. But then everything goes to sh*t and I want to run out the door screaming. The two experiences are certainly not mutually exclusive for me and I expect most mothers would feel the same.
Yes, your child is the funniest, most gorgeous, entertaining, inspiring person in the world and taking care of them is an absolute privilege. But when they are sick, screaming, disobedient, destructive, dangerous and down right exhausting they can be seriously hard work.
Jacinta admits she has an easy baby and that has obviously influenced her opinion. But she is still clear on the point that us mothers should look on the bright side and be thankful for the experience, rather than begrudging the tough aspects of the role.
Now I would suggest it is a rare parent who isn’t profoundly grateful for the gift of their children. But that doesn’t discount that taking care of them can be tough, especially when they aren’t so easy. How could Jacinta possibly understand how soul destroying it can be dealing with a baby who screams day in and day out, pushing you to breaking point?
With both my babies I have been lucky enough to find breastfeeding relatively ‘easy.’ But I would never ever write a piece about how much of a ‘breeze’ it’s been, because I know I am in the fortunate minority. I have seen too many other mums battle through difficulties breastfeeding to ever presume that my experience should be universal. Nor would I ever want to appear as though I was smug about it, making those who have found it tough feel even worse.
I have also been fortunate enough, like Jacinta, to have babies who were mostly happy and uncomplicated. My first was a shocking sleeper but neither of them have suffered through painful colic or unexplained periods of screaming, so I’ve had a pretty good run when they were newborns (touch wood). Because of this I also experienced a little of the ‘guilt’ that Jacinta referred to when talking to other mums. I remember well my first mothers group meeting, when we went around the room to share how our first few weeks had been. I was deliriously happy and ready to share how wonderful it all was, but by the time it came to my turn the other mums were all so frazzled, their experiences so stressful, that I actually lied a little so as not to stand out.
According to Jacinta I shouldn’t have had to, I should have celebrated how easy I was finding it. But I was celebrating in my own time, I didn’t need to do it there and make those other wonderful women feel bad. Their experiences were real and hard and they had every right to whinge as much as they liked without feeling like they should ‘find the joy.’ So I said a silent thank you for being so lucky and stayed quiet for a while (not something I do too often!)
Fast forward six months later and most of those mums were back to their happy selves, enjoying uninterrupted sleep with their now settled babies. I, on the other hand, was getting up to my little treasure every hour at night and now it was my turn to feel frazzled and whinge!
Further to that, I have found mothering a headstrong preschooler WAY harder than a baby, as Jacinta may well find. Babies are delicious. They never speak back, tell you they hate things, refuse to get dressed, throw tantrums, hit their siblings, whine incessantly and generally push your buttons so hard you have to give yourself a time out. I wonder if she will change her mind and find motherhood hard then?
However, there are a few things I absolutely agree with Jacinta on. Sometimes, you can choose whether to find something hard or funny and that decision can completely change both your perspective and your attitude. As she wrote,
‘Wiping spew off your jacket before bolting out the door to a meeting is funny, not a drama.’
I totally agree. There are many moments where you walk a fine line between laughing or crying and choosing to laugh can make all the difference.
So perhaps at times we should try harder to find the joy in the day to day, to remember how longed for our children were, how lost we’d be without them. But some days the joy is simply hard to find. And admitting that doesn’t make us ungrateful, it just makes us human.
Were you offended by Jacinta's article or do you find motherhood easy too? Comment on Amity's blog.
So, which side are you on? Do you think we have all become too quick to talk up how hard it all is? Or do you think Jacinta is a smug mum of one easy baby who will learn soon enough it’s not as easy as she thought?
For the first few paragraphs I was in agreement with Jacinta, as she wrote…
‘There is one thing nobody warned me about when I became a mother: what a breeze it would be. I was warned about everything else. All I had been told since I became pregnant was to prepare myself for the toughest job of my life. For years of sleep deprivation, boredom (yes, boredom) and my life not being my own. I was bombarded with tales of cracked nipples, all-night vigils and vomit on the carpet. I was more than mildly worried, as a result, about how on earth I would cope. I am someone who needs my sleep and had a decades long habit of calling my own shots. Would the requirement to be at the beck and call of a little one – even my little one – do my head in?
So, I got the most pleasant surprise to find that being a mum is one of the most seamless, joyful, intuitive things I have ever done. Yes, there are sleepless nights (many of them, in a seemingly endless row), but there is nothing difficult about being up all night with the love of your life.’
Now, I don’t know if I’d use the word ‘breeze’ but I also found early motherhood less of a challenge than I anticipated. I too was surprised by the fact that I was so in love with my son I would literally bounce out of bed for night feeds, just to see his smiling face. Jamison was not a good sleeper by any accounts, but I found I was able to function on very little rest and not resent him in the slightest for the imposition. I was equally thrilled to find how naturally mothering came to me and amazed that I could spend an entire day doing nothing but looking at him and feel completely content.
However, as she went on, she lost me. As she wrote….
‘I know I only have one child who is healthy and I, thankfully, escaped the cruel curse of postnatal depression, but still I can't see what all the fuss is about.
Ask me if I have another, but from where I stand motherhood is a cinch. Yes, it is tiring, and yes, it is time-consuming with showers and emails a sudden extravagance. But it is not hard.’
A cinch? Not hard? Are you kidding me?
Motherhood is bloody hard. However, it is also, as Jacinta states, ‘exhilarating and rewarding.’ But can’t it be both? For me it is. I have moments where the love I feel for my son is so intense it is euphoric. And I also have moments where he frustrates me so much I can feel my blood boiling (my baby girl is all euphoric at this point!) On the days when everything is going right it is the easiest, most rewarding, job in the world. But then everything goes to sh*t and I want to run out the door screaming. The two experiences are certainly not mutually exclusive for me and I expect most mothers would feel the same.
Yes, your child is the funniest, most gorgeous, entertaining, inspiring person in the world and taking care of them is an absolute privilege. But when they are sick, screaming, disobedient, destructive, dangerous and down right exhausting they can be seriously hard work.
Jacinta admits she has an easy baby and that has obviously influenced her opinion. But she is still clear on the point that us mothers should look on the bright side and be thankful for the experience, rather than begrudging the tough aspects of the role.
Now I would suggest it is a rare parent who isn’t profoundly grateful for the gift of their children. But that doesn’t discount that taking care of them can be tough, especially when they aren’t so easy. How could Jacinta possibly understand how soul destroying it can be dealing with a baby who screams day in and day out, pushing you to breaking point?
With both my babies I have been lucky enough to find breastfeeding relatively ‘easy.’ But I would never ever write a piece about how much of a ‘breeze’ it’s been, because I know I am in the fortunate minority. I have seen too many other mums battle through difficulties breastfeeding to ever presume that my experience should be universal. Nor would I ever want to appear as though I was smug about it, making those who have found it tough feel even worse.
I have also been fortunate enough, like Jacinta, to have babies who were mostly happy and uncomplicated. My first was a shocking sleeper but neither of them have suffered through painful colic or unexplained periods of screaming, so I’ve had a pretty good run when they were newborns (touch wood). Because of this I also experienced a little of the ‘guilt’ that Jacinta referred to when talking to other mums. I remember well my first mothers group meeting, when we went around the room to share how our first few weeks had been. I was deliriously happy and ready to share how wonderful it all was, but by the time it came to my turn the other mums were all so frazzled, their experiences so stressful, that I actually lied a little so as not to stand out.
According to Jacinta I shouldn’t have had to, I should have celebrated how easy I was finding it. But I was celebrating in my own time, I didn’t need to do it there and make those other wonderful women feel bad. Their experiences were real and hard and they had every right to whinge as much as they liked without feeling like they should ‘find the joy.’ So I said a silent thank you for being so lucky and stayed quiet for a while (not something I do too often!)
Fast forward six months later and most of those mums were back to their happy selves, enjoying uninterrupted sleep with their now settled babies. I, on the other hand, was getting up to my little treasure every hour at night and now it was my turn to feel frazzled and whinge!
Further to that, I have found mothering a headstrong preschooler WAY harder than a baby, as Jacinta may well find. Babies are delicious. They never speak back, tell you they hate things, refuse to get dressed, throw tantrums, hit their siblings, whine incessantly and generally push your buttons so hard you have to give yourself a time out. I wonder if she will change her mind and find motherhood hard then?
However, there are a few things I absolutely agree with Jacinta on. Sometimes, you can choose whether to find something hard or funny and that decision can completely change both your perspective and your attitude. As she wrote,
‘Wiping spew off your jacket before bolting out the door to a meeting is funny, not a drama.’
I totally agree. There are many moments where you walk a fine line between laughing or crying and choosing to laugh can make all the difference.
So perhaps at times we should try harder to find the joy in the day to day, to remember how longed for our children were, how lost we’d be without them. But some days the joy is simply hard to find. And admitting that doesn’t make us ungrateful, it just makes us human.
Were you offended by Jacinta's article or do you find motherhood easy too? Comment on Amity's blog.
