Kylie Orr
It was farcical to think I had escaped the perils of high school on that last day of Year Twelve. Those exclusive groups – the Cool Group, the Nerds, the Jocks, the Hippies, the Goths, the Brainiacs, the Arty Farts etc – reappear in my life as a parent. Thankfully, they have matured.
Parenting can be a cliquey game. I had no idea until I tried to squeeze into that mould of a perfect parent and found myself hanging over the sides. I’m still a little vague on what that template is but I've concluded it is women who conceive easily, birth naturally, breastfeed for an acceptable amount of time but not too long, have a child of each gender who are well behaved and smart and cute. These parents are patient and balanced and always well dressed. They return to work but only a couple of days a week and their children are minded by angels with halos who float around cleaning their house and making excess dinners to store in the freezer.
In our clear-headed minds, we all know they are fictional characters but for some reason, they feature strongly in the minds of many new mothers. Unfortunately this can be a contributing factor to the widespread apprehension about attending a Mothers' Group.
The concept of being thrown in with a pride of people we've never met but apparently share common ground, is foreign and somewhat unappealing as many of us are just getting used to this whole baby caper. Parading our inexperience in front of strangers is less than enticing.
My initial reaction to a Mothers' Group was "no way, sista!" Perhaps the 10am meeting time was the deterrent. I was lucky to be out of bed by 10am - no thanks to a beautiful baby that slept in until ten, but from one who was awake the entire night and exhausted by mid morning. Trying to be ready and out the door, showered, dressed and respectably presented by that hour of the morning with a two-month-old baby was well, unattainable.
Busting my crack to socialise with a group of Stepford Mothers who would probably make me look like Courtney Love on a bad day, was not at the top of my priority list. However, I was lured by a session run by the Maternal and Child Health Nurse on "settling your baby" - clearly I had failed that natural instinct so I turned up, miraculously dressed and on time. I even managed to remember the baby. I was astonished to find a group of friendly women, much like myself, who looked slightly frazzled and relieved to be in a room of similar apprentices. To bombastically assume I was the only intelligent career woman who had dented her confidence bone when her first baby arrived, could have well cheated me of some incredible friendships.
I was wary not to involve myself in any topics of sleeping babies because I knew I'd be off like a honeymooner's nightie if anyone mentioned their child was "sleeping through". Thankfully, I didn't get the high school wannabes. I got some local mums who were in the same boat as me. Some were older, some were younger, some had boats with leaks, others seemed to have yachts that sailed somewhat smoother. There were no superiority complexes or perfect parents. We all agreed to continue meeting once the information sessions that brought us together had ended. A couple dropped off along the way - natural attrition - but for the most part, we retained the original crowd.
Almost seven years on, we are still going strong. Fewer get-togethers but the connection is still there. Some have returned to work, some have had more children, some have moved interstate. Our gatherings are now not so much about nappy contents and best prams, but broader life, usually involving wine and conversation while the kids stay home with their fathers.
I have heard some frightening accounts of Mothers' Groups where women formed subgroups within weeks, excluded certain parents, entered the ultimate competition of who had the best baby and other horror stories. Maybe I got lucky? I am a real advocate for Mothers' Group because I firmly believe you can meet a great group of people that can offer you support and understanding at a time when you are fumbling around in the dark. If you join a group that has a bad vibe, or members who throw nasty looks or are overly forthcoming with their judgemental comments, I implore you to look for another clan. Don't give up on them so soon. It may not be fashionable, modern or something you would normally do, but involving yourself in a compassionate group of women may be just what gets you through those potentially rocky first months with a new baby. And who couldn't use another wine buddy?
Were you or are you part of a Mothers Group? Has your experience been positive or negative? Share your story on my blog in the Essential Baby Forums.
